The egg roll challenge

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sometimes all you can do is laugh, because otherwise you'd be screaming...this is our life almost daily when it comes to Bullet.  He's out of his mind...I'm not exaggerating- ask anyone who has been to our house and they will confirm that there is something wrong with our dog's brain.  So, just as an example of the madness that we deal with on a regular basis, here is last night's debacle.

First of all, it rained all day yesterday, which means Bullet doesn't really go outside for any length of time except for bathroom breaks.  So his pent-up energy was at the highest level possible when B got home from work.

When Brandon walks in the door from work last night around 6:30pm, Bullet loses his mind totally.  He jumps all over B and then puts his paws up on the counter and starts pulling anything he can reach to the ground (bills, pens, a baby toy, dusting rag).  So Brandon spends about 5 minutes mauling him right back.  Literally mauling; Brandon starts falling all over Bullet and hugging him and precedes to crack his own back in about 8 different places.  At this point we're laughing pretty good because Brandon is in a suit and tie rolling on the floor (with a freshly cracked back) while Bullet is practically licking his ear off, all the while talking in a hilarious voice, "Oh Bullet, you're insane, but we love you, even though you act like a maniac," and so on. 

For dinner, we put Bully in the crate and eat in peace without anyone begging.  Afterwards, Bullet prances out to his bowl where he'll find a little bit of our dinner in his bowl (left-over chinese today!).  All seems calm after he eats and I go to the basement to switch the laundry.  As expected, Bullet follows me down to torment the cats.  He plays back and forth with Lola for a few rounds (this consists of getting his head as close as possible to the cat door and then flying backwards when Lola tries to scratch his face.  To imagine it more accurately, include dog panting and cat hissing noises).  As I'm in the laundry room (aka cat room) switching the clothes- I can hear Bullet running back up the steps where Brandon and Greyson are contentedly sitting watching tv.  Then Brandon calls, "Tab!"  followed by, "Bullet, drop it" 

"Bullet, Drop it" also happens to be the mostly commonly used phrase in our house.  In today alone I have already used it four times and it is only 11:30am.  He's already had the following in his mouth:  a Destin squeeze bottle, a burp cloth, Brandon's hunting socks, and a book.  Sometimes he drops it after the first request...he only wanted our attention anyway.  Sometimes it needs traded out of his a piece of table food for the item.  This is a fair trade for something more valuable like one of my necklaces or the baby's binkie.  Other times, where harm is possible, like aluminum foil or little bottles of couch cleaner, we have to chase him down -which includes tackling- and pry open the jaws of death and  dig it out of the back of his throat.  This is of course after we jokingly announce, "Go ahead and eat it-  I could use a break from your crap."

Laundry falls out of my hands and I go up the steps two at a time for fear that it is something valuable or dangerous that needs bribed from Bullet's mouth.  But alas, it is only the egg roll that Brandon asked me to save for him from my dinner.  B is seated on the couch with Grey in the same position that I left him in.  Bullet is perched on the foot stool with the egg roll, wrapped in plastic dangling from his slobbering mouth.  Brandon asks, "Is it closed entirely?  Cause I'll still eat it if there isn't slobber on it."  My response to this, "Why haven't  you moved from that spot?  I just almost broke my ankle jumping up the steps to help you and you're still sitting there."  Brandon gives me a 'come on babe, I just got home from work and I'm spending time with the baby which I know you think is adorable just get the damn egg roll out of his mouth for me please' look and I reluctantly attempt to do just that.

"Drop it" is obviously not working- so I move to the next step which is bribery.  But, Bullet already has human food in his mouth, so a trade with a dog treat doesn't work either.  Plus, with all of his pent-up energy from the day- he really is only out to play.  He leaps from the foot stool and runs along the other couch.  I try to pin him with my leg, but his slippery-like-an-otter coat allows him to slide right through while I'm left standing in a half lunge.  I chase him around the kitchen island twice; all the while Brandon is giggling and baby-talking to Greyson "Look at your crazy dog and mummy".  If you've ever chased a dog, you'll know what an idiot you look and feel like because its pretty much just running full speed while slightly leaned forward which makes you unbalanced so your just lurching all over the place.  And since you're only missing him by about an inch everytime there's enough hope and frustration to keep trying.  So there I am flying around the kitchen/living room like a madwoman half laughing-half screaming for Bullet to drop the egg roll that is miraclously still wrapped in plastic.

Bullet makes an escape down the basement steps and I look at B with a 'if you want me to keep trying I will because this is how much I love you, but seriously?' look and he lets out a laugh.  "It's alright babe, nice moves though."  At the bottom of the steps, where I am now headed back to finish changing the laundry, I catch a glimpse of Bullet happily eating the egg roll which has now been dislodged from the plastic.  He probably didn't even know it was food until it was finally exposed.  Once I get back upstairs, I shrug my shoulders and look at B, "sorry, he ate it."  The only thing left to do is give an exhausted laugh and shake our heads.  Another one bites the dust.

We figure that we either spend our days angry and frustrated for having such a crazy dog or we laugh at how hilarious our life is now that we have a dog with this much sure makes for a lot of opportunites to be a team and work together.  Team Brandon&Tab vs. Team Super Fast & Slippery Bullet   In any case, Bullet is helping us teach Greyson a very important lesson; You win some, you lose some.  Granted, generally Bullet wins, but its still a lesson learned :)

He does have his redeeming when he sleeps.  hah.

No Comments Yet, Leave Yours!