Rustin James, 9 years old

 Rustman, 

9 nine years old. What words are there to describe you - truly - the essence of you? You are gentle but wild. You are contemplative but slapstick funny. You are so deeply sweet and sensitive but explosive. You are remarkably thoughtful but consistently forgetful. My Gemini baby, my two sides of the coin boy. I love both sides with all my heart. 

At nine years old, you are still ten toes down in imagination. You will not give up the line and I love that for you. You come home from school, drop your backpack in the yard and jump right onto the trampoline to beat the holy heck out of your stuffed wrestling dummy, shouting, "Mom, watch this" as you do a Superfly Jimmy Snuka across the trampoline. You fight zombies with nerf guns alongside Reddy, will sit patiently as a student for Olive the teacher, and you still want to believe in all the magic of holidays so much that you convince yourself to hold on for a just little while longer, even as you hug and thank me and Dad for all your gifts never once mentioning the big man with the red suit. 

You haven't quite figured out which sports you love the most, although you do love being on teams. We've encouraged and supported you to try lots of things (more than any other kid!) and you still don't know which ones you like the best because you still hate practice and being on a schedule. (Although it does seem like after your first year of tackle football, you are locking that one in!) You want to just play all day and never have a clock exist and you'd also just like to show up on game day because you hate practice. You probably could actually just show up on game day because you are so strong and athletic anyway, but babe, practice is important. We will keep trying to convince you. 

It's that way with most things actually, you like hunting and fishing just fine but you're not committing all your time to them. You like reading Harry Potter, and watching NFL, and building legos, and boxing, and watching pro wrestlers, and playing Madden on the Xbox - but you're not making anything your whole personality. You just bounce all through the different things that everyone else is choosing to be their schtick and trying them out and not ever really wanting to pick any single thing. And honestly, good on you, Rust. 

You love sleeping in and staying up late (one of my night owls - you and Olive). You can sleep through the craziest stuff; talking, shouting, literally jumping over top of your body like a hurdle on the couch while Reddy plays solo football. Of all the things that we own, the trampoline is your favorite thing. You like sloppy joes and mac and cheese and are still pretty picky about food, but you are slowly getting better at trying new things and I'm grateful for that. Henry Danger is still your favorite show.

The age gap between you and Grey still feels vast which  means you guys can have fun together for a little while and then it turns into teasing and arguing. I say many times a day - "just give each other space?!" The two of you are different enough that you feel absolutely zero pressure to follow in his footsteps or try to compete with him. Literally, never once have you shown that you are worried about that. Good grief, that is such a relief to my soul. Because Rusty, you never do have to compete with him -not for your sake or his or me and dad's or literally anyone's - but that is a hard thing for brothers to know and I am so grateful that you DGAF what he is, has, or ever will do because somehow you already understand you are you and he is he and we can all let that shit be. 

You, Gemma, and Olive are my kind hearted, sensitive, skips (skip a kid in birth order). Gemma dotes on you and knows that if she needs help with something that you'll do it even begrudgingly, you'll still help her. You baby Olive and she knows it; the girl never wants for a thing because her knight in shining armor Rusty already has it ready to hand over. All three of you take care of each other and take care of the rest of us in kind words, and thoughtful gestures, and sweet hugs. I love the trio of my sensitive skips. 

Violet is the left hand to your right. My two meatballs in the middle of this family. So much of your life has been lived side by side, you two. Many of your friends are the younger siblings of Violet's friends. You share similar humors and interests. You have spent so much time together, you are the best version of compromising between siblings - you find a way to make it right for both of you in sharing and playing. Reddy is so lucky to have you as a big brother. A big brother who has older sisters (like you) is a brother who has rounded corners; who can tease you right up until the crying - who will accidentally elbow you in the mouth while wrestling but then say sorry and mean it (instead of, "it wasn't that hard!") The two of you buzz around this house like a little cyclone of nerf guns, foam swords, footballs, and boxing gloves. It is wonderfully chaotic. 

Honestly, no one has as many friends as you. Like on this Earth. Every where we go, kids are always calling out to say, "Hi, Rusty!" I look at you and say, "Who even is that?" You tell me that its some kid who you played with at an older siblings' game three weeks ago...ya know, so and so's brother that you've seen literally once in your life but apparently you made an impact of friendship on them. 

You really are a friend to all - older kids, younger kids, kids your age. You are kind and patient with adults who want to yap with you and you stand there and let them speak and then answer thoughtfully back when they ask you questions. You can hang with the big kids because you are tough and strong and so freaking funny. You go all in on games with kids your age always everyone's first pick on their kickball or recess football teams. And you are the most silly big kid when you are with little kids - they love playing with you because you act so goofy and make them feel like the main character in your life. All your little cousins say, "Where's Rusty?" first thing when they walk into our house because they want to play with you most. 

Dude, you will probably grow up to be a politician or a stand up comedian because the charm comes off of you in waves. Aura (as the kids say these days), you've got it my Rustman.

Rust, your laugh. I love it so much. 

You have lots of a laughs because you are such a chameleon among people (you get that from your Dad). But there is a real laugh that doesn't come for free and it can't be faked. 

You are sensitive and always reading between all the lines of situations and conversations. You are very good at reading a room and a vibe and I think that means that maybe you know the world can be a little brutal out there. You are always ready to be the one to pick someone up with a kind word or an offer to play. You hug me multiple times a day just to say, "love you mom" and when I ask you if you had a good sleepover or playdate you say, "it was great, only thing was - I missed you." and you don't even really mean that (LOL) but you say it because you just wanted to be a sweetie and remind me that even when you are not with me, I matter to you. (how did I get so lucky to be your mom?) Like somehow you know the world is lonely and harsh and we need to remember to tell each other we're not alone. You get that because you are brilliant and kind and soft hearted and no one deserves you (not even me, baby). 

But, when you find something truly funny and you are honestly surprised and delighted in the humor of the world - your laugh comes from the deepest part of your belly; so genuine and fully rounded and good. I can hear it from the front seat of the car when you're in the third row. I can hear it from the kitchen when you're in the living room. It is like a honing signal that grabs my attention and says - it's all going to be okay. It gives my heart a jolt of relief and joy to hear that real laugh come out of you. One of my favorite sounds on Earth, Rustman. 

Love you forever and ever
even if you make me crazy
even if you forget a million things
even when you are so much bigger and stronger than me
forever and ever and ever
I love you, Mr. Handsome,
Momma

Olive Irene, 4 years old

 Loopy Lou, 

Four years old and still everyone's little baby girl. You are the cherry on top of the ice cream of our family. Anyone who sees you, smiles because you are all of our love and joy and cuteness aggression rolled up into our girly-pop. 

You love to pretend that life is a musical and you sing, dance, twirl, and make hilarious facial expressions acting through all the little moments of our days. The youngest of six, a Coach for a Dad, and a teacher mom who loves to read...you should hear the vocabulary you throw around all in correct context. People all the time are double checking your age - because the way you speak and make commentary is disorientating for a four year old. But you have so many people that you are parroting all day. 

You like playing babydolls which mostly means putting a million random things in mini backpacks and making huge messes all over the house (just like your big sisters used to do!) Speaking of making messes - you are a little sneaky thing getting into everyone's everything: Grey's fly fishing stuff, Gemma's make up, Violet's art supplies, Rusty's legos, and Reddy's stuff (literally anything Reddy has, you want). You sneak in, play and mess around with it, and then incriminate yourself by leaving it all in a mess - not even hiding your tracks! Little sisters need to be more sly, Loopy girl; you better get it together so you can blame someone else - but you aren't fooling anyone right now! 

When I went into your preschool classroom this year for you parent-teacher conference I giggled the entire time like a lunatic at hearing your teachers talk about you. They went on and on about how you follow rules and raise your hand and help classmates. How you do your worksheets and clean up the toys, gently encouraging classmates and being patient with friends who need extra help or time. I sat there mesmerized and giggling because who even is that? You are so much the baby at our house that it is so hard to imagine you being your own little person out in the world. You're an independent good girl out here in the world?! What an incredible gift it was to hear your teachers talk about you in this version of you that I don't know (yet). I am so proud of the girl you are when you are free to be you without the triple safety net of baby of the family that we force on you! Apparently you are totally fine and cool despite the smothering we provide! 

You know how to play the baby of the family card (literally saying, "but I'm the baby of the family!" if we ask you to do a chore). We are doing a lot of work on acting like a big girl and using words to talk about what we want and how we feel instead of just whining and crying. It will be a long road, but we persist and continue to try to give you opportunities to be a big girl and we are all trying very hard to avoid giving in when you baby girl it up. 

You are Grey's 'best girl' and love when he dotes on you telling you are the 'prettiest baby girl' but he also is astounded at your sassiness telling me regularly that I would have never let him and Gemma get away with the stuff that you do. Gemma is your 'girly pop' which is what you call each other and you two girly-girls are peas in a pod. You love going through her make up and talking like her and all her friends. Violet and you are learning how to play together and are enjoying each other's company more and more. You like learning all her cheers (you cannot wait to be a cheerleader some day!) and she is patient with you while you play babydolls and Barbies. She recently made Barbie clothes out of old socks for you which you both loved doing together. You are so lucky to have a big brother like Rusty who is so patient and generous with you. He always includes you in his imaginative play and secedes to your hopes and wishes on how the game goes. Reddy is your right hand man - you two bopping around like twins but you are the one in charge. He watches you with mostly an amused look on his face like 'get a load of this girl' while he follows your whims and hopes. You baby him if he feels sad or hurt and will stand up to anyone in our house in his honor.

You love your cousins so much and can slip seamlessly in the world of pretend with them; deep in imagination with Wells and Heath. You love to mother baby Blairy, even wanting to carry him around and take care of him (although he is nearly as big as you). You are initially shy around new people but once comfortable you are eager to include them among your friends and be your full on sassy pants self. The best friends of your older siblings are all your friends too now that you're comfortable with them and you will jump into their arms for a spinning hug when you see them - they all say, "Loopy!" when they see you.

The hardest part of being your momma, Olive, is letting you grow up. That's true for all my babies, but especially for you. Because as my baby, all of your firsts are all my lasts. 

There are some things I am looking forward to growing out of like car seats and a hamper full of tiny clothes since little kids change their outfits several times a day. I'm ready to say hello to all kids who can shower independently and reaching the minimum age of children's over the counter medicine. 

But I am not ready to say goodbye to many more things. You still hug around the neck and want to snuggle on the couch. You like to hold hands and prefer to sit on laps than in your own seat. You still speak creatively while learning language, saying things like "yesterday's yesterday" (the day before yesterday), and "I think it is 52 o'clock." Your delight reminds all of us that the world is magical and beautiful as long as you're willing to pay attention to it. You point out flowers and the moon. You tell everyone they look fancy and giggle fiercely if we even act like we are going to chase you. Resetting your whole mood is as simple as a twirl and a hug. 

I will try my best to give you the space you need (and deserve) to turn into the incredible YOU that I know you are. There's a lot of hopes and wishes we all have for you - what a gift to be the baby of the family; all of us out here (parents and siblings) trying to give you the best of what we all have because we've been through it before and we think we know anything about anything. But it can be a lot of pressure, I imagine; carrying all those hopes and dreams and wishes. My baby girl, I am so grateful for that sassiness inside of you that gives you the strength to look us all in the face and give us a piece of your mind - we are going to need it occasionally. Although you are the tiniest of us, it appears that you are the mightiest. 

I love you forever and ever
even if you get to be the sassiest Boss girl this side of the Mississippi
and even when you aren't a little squishy baby girl
you'll still be MY baby girl
no matter how grown you get
forever
I'll always be loving you,
Momma.

Redland Adams, five years old.

Dear Reddy, 

My sketti man, impossibly five years old already. 

You did a great job in preschool at St. David's this year making friends (Jeremiah and Pippa as your best friends) and learning your letters. You can write your name and you love to write things as we spell them out to you. You won the Respect Award at the end of the year for having manners and listening and being a good friend and student. You make us so proud, buddy! If I sit down with a children's book, you will drop whatever you were playing to come sit nearby to listen (I love that). 

You love to play sports (soccer, football, basketball, baseball) and we can usually find you on the trampoline with Rusty play fighting or throwing the football to each other. You got to play on a 5U AYSO soccer team this year (with Olive and Coach Mom) and you would run a million miles per hour and then crash into the ground with wild boy delight. You had a cast on your fractured arm / dislocated elbow at the beginning of soccer season from a bounce house injury and could care less as you continued to play like a wildling even in a cast!

You have the most contagious laugh in our whole family. It is absolute gold and comes bubbling out from deep down in your belly and no one is immune to smiling when you start going. And as are our resident hambone at the dinner table, this is problematic because you can almost never make it through a meal without almost getting sent to timeout from being too silly and food flying out of your mouth and snot coming out of your nose from laughing so much. Something about having all your siblings sitting front row to the Reddy Sketti dinner comedy show is irresistible to you. And every time I tell you to calm down, it only makes you ham it more and continue with your bubble laughter which makes the big kids sit with shoulders shaking trying so hard not to laugh too so Mom doesn't lose all of her ever loving mind on everyone.

Oh, my baby - you are the perfect fit in this chaotic circus family. Thank you for being exactly the silly, hambone, laughing extraordinaire that you are! 

This year you found your love of fishing and could barely control your emotions over wanting to be fishing at camp. You fished and fished until you were so cranky from being tired and hungry; we had to drag you back to a chair and make you eat with your eyes half closing. When everyone else had the rods, you found a long stick - had Uncle Kevin tie a line and a hook to it and sat on the bank fishing with that homemade rod with 'double waxies' on it. If there is an option between swimming or fishing - you pick fishing (very grateful you have a Dad, Grandpas, and brothers who will never tire of taking you fishing as you grow up!) 

You finally(!)  sleep in your own bed on the bottom bunk of Rusty (in a room with Violet and Olive in another bunk bed). I think having your siblings nearby with their relaxed breathing helps make you feel safe.  You would choose fruit, veggies, chippies, gogurt, and bahsekti (spaghetti) as your favorite foods. You are particular about your clothes and socks; you know what you like to wear and will insist on picking them out for yourself. You like watching fishing channels on Youtube and love to sit around with Grey and his friends listening to them talk about fishing or sports. 

You remind me so much of your big brother Booboo in the way you move your body when playing sports, the conversations you like to have, and the questions you ask. But there is a softness to your edges because you have older siblings that is unique to just to YOU. You have a gentleness to you from your big sisters who have snuggled and spoiled you, a confidence in you from your older brothers teaching and playing with you, and a loyalty in you from having a little sister so close in age. 

You look up to Grey so much and want nothing more to be around him and his friends. Gemma is your soft place to land and she will still baby you if you need a little extra snuggles. You like to be challenged and to laugh with Violet (your weird little humors are just about the same). Rusty is your best friend and the two of you head off into imaginary lands that I will never get the chance to see the heroes that you are - fighting bad guys and saving all the babies. Olive is your other half; the two of you always in sync and aware of each other. You fight occasionally, but mostly just want the other to be okay - only a month shy of Irish twins; you really do act like twins and everyone always mistakes you for them in the way you treat each other and the way you look. I am so grateful that you two will go through school together side by side. 

Five years old! That's technically a big kid, but lucky for you as the youngest son in our family - we still look at you like a little kid. I have the wisdom of a momma who already did this age before (4 times before!) and I can see that even though you are bigger and more independent, you are still just a little kid actually. What a blessing that is for both of us; the space to still be little but also get more responsibilities and freedoms. It will probably never be the exact right balance because you are my youngest son and a part of my heart will always want to baby you - but you are gracious with me as I try to figure out how to both push you forward and let you relish being my youngest boy. 

You are so easy right now, Sketti. It is so clear to me what makes you happy and what makes you frustrated and what you are thinking all day (because you tell me willingly and freely no matter how insignificant) and how to help you reset if you are upset. 

You can do so many things independently and you are very good at finding ways to have fun without needing entertained. You play imaginative games, you ride your bike, you get your own snacks and drinks, you are agreeable when playing with siblings.  You like hanging out at home and don't fuss about wanting to go places. You eat almost anything we have for dinners, you don't mind hygiene, and are pretty cool about doing chores too. You just be chillin' and living your best life.

What a glorious age to be your momma; it's probably the easiest stretch right now. It was tough before because you needed me so much and it will get tough again when I will no longer be the one who can fix all your frustrations (and don't know what you are thinking every moment), but for now - it's me and you in the very easy breezy stage of five to eight years old and I plan to soak up every moment as best as I can; my sweet babyiest boy. 

love you forever and ever
even when you get bigger than me
even when we get back into the tricky part of being momma & son
forever, 
and ever and ever,
momma.

Gemma Rose, thirteen.

 Dear Gemmi, 

My gorgeous girl (you know the voice we say that in). A real teenager now and so full of all the very best parts of girlhood. Every day you fill our home with outbursts of laughter, hearty eye emojis, and dance moves. But the best part of girlhood is through shared connection: eye to eye, sharing the daily updates from our lives, randomly bursting out inside jokes, and little pick-me-ups throughout the day: a candle lit, the laundry already switched, a hot drink delivered. 

My Roie, everyday I can't believe I get to be your mom. I can't believe I get to be your mom. I can't believe I get to be your mom. 

You love specialty coffees, yogurt parfaits, and snack plates, but are always willing to try new foods. You have so much rhythm and a spontaneous dance party is always just on the brink of breaking loose if you are around with a speaker nearby. Music blasting and you twirling and moving like you've been trained in contemporary dance all your life. You love Meghan Trainor for all her self love lyrics (I Want to Thank Me, and Been Like This). But you also listen on repeat to love songs that make you heartsick for all the great loves and breakups of your future. Your obsession for romcoms can easily compete with mine and you dive into tv series and movies that have you floating through the house with big ideas of love and grand gestures. You've especially loved Gilmore Girls, New Girl, My Life with the Walter Boys, and The Summer I turned Pretty. 

Now that you have your phone it has been so fun texting with you and seeing the Youtube shorts you think to send me. Most of them making fun of mom and daughter relationships with you captioning, "but why is this us though" with a crying laugh emoji. Your text exchanges almost always include a "love you" , or a random lengthy update, or a perfectly selected gif.  Maybe that's not a huge deal - but after texting with your brother and his one word responses for two years  - I can assure you texting with you has been a delightful revelation! 

As a sister, you are top tier. You consider Grey; buying him his favorite ice tea if you get to run errands and texting him to make sure he knows the schedule. You attend his games and are so proud to be his little sister - but always trying to stay on the right line of 'not embarassing him' (hah). You help Violet with her hair and give her outfit suggestions and share food. You find ways to connect with her even though you are so different from each other. Rusty, Reddy, and Olive are babied by you quite a bit - knowing they can look at you with puppy dog eyes and get you to do just about anything; from making them something to eat to doing their chores for them. You shower them with hugs and kisses and compliments and they will grow to be so self confident in your adoration. (thank you for that).  You are always willing to 'stay home with the babies' and it feels like a new level in parenting when I can run to the grocery store without buckling car seats and carrying both bags and kids! You are a great big cousin too and fawn over your little cousins always asking if Aunt Uch needs a babysitter. 

You are an awesome teammate and friend. You talk through the whole game - giving positive affirmations when a teammate does well or shouting encouragement when the going gets tough. You encourage teammates to run off the field or court; to keep their heads high; you dole out high fives constantly. Lots of people are always telling me and dad about how good of an athlete you are, but we are most proud when parents and coaches from the opposing team have regularly come up to us to say, "I love how your daughter talks during the game - she is such a force of positivity for her team!" You have the heart of a leader through the manner of believing so much in everyone that your teammates have no choice but to believe in themselves and rise to the expectation you have inspired in them. 

Already, by seventh grade, you are involved in a lot of things and you love being given responsibilities and trust. You played defense for the jrhigh soccer team, you played forward for the jrhigh basketball team, and you're preparing for a 14U AYSO soccer season, and a 15U travel soccer season. You attend confirmation year1 classes and volunteer opportunities at church, you take yearbook photos, you are a member of jrhigh student council, and you assist the trainer during Varsity football season. After a home playoff game, you cleaned up the bleachers without anyone asking- earning you a personalized thank you note from the superintendent. Your teachers send you to complete little errands or trust your notebook as an example for students who were absent the day before. If me and dad need a chore done, we rely on you (too often!) because we know you'll do it as good (or better) than we would. 

You love being the one asked to help, 

you love to do the helping and meet or exceed expectations, 

you love being the one to come up with the idea on how to help. 

and, GIRL. 

It is sometimes so dizzying to look at you and see a mirror - not just in the way we look - but in the way we find validation for our worthiness. 

I want to celebrate that in you because you ARE so trustworthy and responsible. 

The world actually does need you and YOUR (very specific Gemma Rose) help. 

But I am also determined to find a way to let you know that you don't need to be helping to prove your worth. 

My baby girl, 40+ years and I am still trying to internalize that to be true. 

One of my greatest hopes for you is that you learn that so much sooner than I have. 

That you can know deep in your bones and full in your heart of how incredibly valuable and worthy and amazing you are without having do to a single thing. 

Because, my gemmi - you ARE incredibly valuable

and worthy

and amazing

exactly as you are,

laying in your bed under comfy blankies watching 18 hours of romcoms 

or sneaking out your stash of sweets in the pantry hidden where your siblings can't find them

or blasting music and dancing around the backyard shaking your booty like a 1990's music video

or face mask drying with your hair in curlers sipping chai tea

or room covered in a clothes explosion (honestly, how?!) asking to borrow my sweater

or mud on your face and straw in your hair chasing down the goats in the yard

you are valuable and worthy, my darling girl.

always, always, no matter what.

love you forever and ever
and ever.
never being done of ever.
through space and time and tears and laughs.
forever loving you, Roie girl.
Mum

Redland Adams, three years old

 Reddy, 

My littlest guy is three years old. Our sweet, funny little man is climbing up that toddler ladder and coming into his ownself. What a long while we waited to hear and understand what you had to say about the world - and man, oh man...is the wait ever over. Your speech cleared up right before you turned three and now all you do is chatterbox all day long! It is when, and where, and how, and why why why. It is 'watch dis', and 'look at that', and 'can I do it?' It has been such a joy to learn more about you through what you ask and want to tell stories about (mostly dinosaurs, hunting, fishing, sports, and nature).  

It consistently makes me laugh that you think being everyone's favorite little dude is normal. With all your siblings, every time we go anywhere where they have friends you are like an instant celebrity. Everyone is always high fiving you and playing with you and laughing at your jokes. The self confidence that you have that has come from years of this has really encouraged you to be brave and friendly. 

 

You are an outdoor kid (you spent most of your first year of life outside!) so you always prefer to be outside; jumping on the trampoline, zipping around on your Strider bike, or checking all our flowers. This summer you became a lightening bug catching expert. You don't like swimming in pools, but you love lakes or public pools that have walk in access. As long as you can touch the bottom, you are so full of joy in the water. The way you shriek and laugh while you jump and splash makes me so happy.

At three, you love dinosaurs (T-Rex best of all!) and superheroes (Spiderman best of all!) You would spend the whole day play fighting with Rusty; sometimes you are enemies and sometimes sidekicks - but there are always sound effects. You love sports (baseball, football, soccer, and basketball) and you like to dress appropriately for your big siblings' practices and games (cleats, tall socks, and mini jerseys. 

You want to be independent and do things yourself (getting dressed, getting snacks, opening yogurt so it dumps all over my kitchen, putting on shoes, etc) but you also like to baby brother it up (telling everyone you can't do something because your legs hurt or you need to sit down right now; hah!) You love helping me in the kitchen and you are always the first to volunteer to stir or mix ingredients, and lick the spoon (obviously.) You love chips and gum and cookies - but your favorite things to eat are super healthy stuff like fruits and vegetables; you love salads, yogurt parfaits, and sweet potato breakfast hash. You still like to have a "macheet" at bed/naptime which is just chocolate milk but we might always call it macheet now because of you. 

Each of your siblings brings out a different shade in you. You idolize Grey and he thinks you are Him and tells everyone so (#teenageboyslang) Gemma is patient and encourages all the YOU in you. Since you like dinosaurs, she'll play dinosaurs. If you want to color, she'll print you pictures. It's the teacher's heart in her and what a blessing you get that kind of support from her. Violet pushes you and expects independence out of you in play and chores. I am grateful that at least one family member in this house does not baby you - it will help you grow and learn! Rust loves having a little shadow to teach and play with. He is such a patient and generous big brother, I am so grateful you have him to watch and imitate. Olive is your little pretend twin (only 1 month over from being Irish twins?!) You play and fight and play and fight - literally over and over again all day long. You have funny little inside jokes together and sometimes you just look at her and giggle because she can be such a silly, bossy, wackadoo. 

You're in the rough boy stage; which can last anywhere from 18mo to 18 yrs. It's 1 part curious, 1 part brave, and 2 parts destruction. Luckily for you, we've already done this twice with your brothers so when you were sitting on the back porch breaking a water gun into a million pieces by hitting it with a hammer in an inquisitive and focused way  - Dad and I were just like, "huh...look at him go." (hah #bigfamilywisdom) If we've learned anything from being parents to boys, we've figured out that often times it takes breaking something for you all to figure out how it works and why it was important in the first place. That's why we make sure to allow for opportunities to break things that are replaceable like toys and papers and why we try build in a multitude of experiences in being gentle and careful with valuable things like people and animals and hearts. 

I think you and I may always have a little special knot - my only c-section baby + covid quarantine newborn closeness and my youngest son; it gives you and I an extra tether between us. You still always prefer me to be close to you; during the day, at bedtime, when we are out and about. You are my kid who get sick the most (finger sucker & c-section baby) so there is always a part of my mind that is reserved for general (unnecessary!) worry about your health. 

In a big family, I think it gets tricky to feel singular when so much of life is part of a whole. You are fifth in the group - a solid life so far of being "one of the Studer kids" But, my boy - know that you are uniquely and wonderfully exactly what the world needs. You have your own sweet thoughtfulness with the flowers you pick for me or the whispers at night that you have a surprise for me tomorrow (and the surprise is a hug). You are very silly and funny in a way that no one else in our family is - your comedic timing almost perfect and you leave the whole dinner table laughing so hard we have food flying out of our mouths. I hope you find that being from a big family will always be a blessing to you, but you are just YOU too. And I will forever be grateful that YOU are part of US.

My Reddy, 

I love being your momma. 

You find a way to make me smile every single day. 

You are smart, and strong, and growing so big!

You are funny, and thoughtful, and give the sweets hugs around the neck.

I love you so much

forever and ever

even when you are bigger than me!

momma.

Gemma Rose, eleven years old

Roie,
Eleven is silly, huge smiles, and bursts of laughter. It's the Mamma Mia soundtrack on the Alexa while you make up dances to every song with your siblings. But, eleven is also having big talks about the birds & the bees, and moon cycles, and internet safety. It's hating to see in real time how the world tries to tell you what is beautiful; how I already need to reassure you that strong is just as pretty as any other body type and calories on the label of that breakfast bar aren't important, and telling you that your natural smile is more beautiful than any fake head tilt/half tongue out pose that all the girls are doing in selfies these days. 

Eleven is sharing the same blanket and snacks on the couch with your head on my shoulder and it's also an eye roll across the dining room table when I ask if you've done your chores for the day. Eleven is teetering on the edge of my glittery-twirling-giggle-filled-little girl and my legs-up-to-your-chin-those-shorts-are-too-short almost-teenager. Gosh, it is so close to the cliff, I feel dizzy most days.  

At eleven, Roe, you've found your stride in school. You were on the honor roll all year (the first time in elementary school) as your learning development has finally caught up to your peers and you are confident using all the techniques and strategies you've learned from teachers and eye specialists and support staff over the last few years. You have grown so much, sweetheart; my heart soars to know that you feel proud and capable in your classes in a way you haven't yet up until this point. (I am so proud of you for never giving up!) 

You are the epitome of a role model student in terms of behavior and trust. You were responsible for getting multiple teachers mail, it was your second year on student council, and you are the bus 'mother' to many students. I know so many adults depend on you to guide and lead your peers. Grown ups are always stopping me to randomly say, "I'm so thankful my kid had Gemma to help them" on any given instance that I had no clue about because helping people is not something you even think to tell me about. You just do it second nature and move on with your day. Thank you, Gemmi, for always stepping up to that role.

Your room is always a mess - clothes thrown everywhere, trinkets piled high on dressers, and a bed that is never made. You are notorious for losing your sports jerseys (basketball and soccer this year!) and we have to scramble to find a replacement on the day of games?! But frequently, you get the overwhelming urge to deep clean and rearrange whole rooms; pushing furniture here and there until it is unrecognizable, loading up garbage bags with trash, and lighting candles and you call Dad and I in for a big reveal. 

You love cereal, yogurt parfaits, and salads. You are a great, adventurous eater - so although I don't like to share my shrimp, brussels sprouts, and cauliflower - I am grateful you let your taste buds fall in love with food that have been in the past reserved for the grown ups in the house. You are the kindest and most patient big sister. Olive and Red sometimes prefers you over me (especially when I'm trying to teach them independence) as you will hold, snuggle, and sneak them treats as much as they want. Rusty and Violet are your two little partners in fun- making up hilarious dances and elaborate pretend games. They will keep you little and I am endlessly grateful for that. You and Grey are so close in age that you mostly annoy the living crap out of each other (and your bickering annoys the rest of us!), but I also know that the two of you would defend each other to the ends of the Earth; in the way you ask about the other quietly to me and dad and how you both watch and cheer at each other's games. 

You have friends everywhere we go - classmates your age, teammates older than you, Violet and Rusty's friends younger than you, random kids at the fields that gravitate to you because you smile and wave to them with a this-is-obviously-a-babysitter kind of way. A friend/teacher said to us the other day, "Well, my son joined the rest of the entire fifth grade boys in being in love with Gemma, and I told him, 'you don't have a chance honey! She's like a 20 year old- she doesn't have time for you silly boys!" LOL...accurate though. 

Gem, I hope you always have kindness in your heart, and a friendly smile on your face, and no freaking clue that you look like you look! You are so cluelessly gorgeous it is almost laughable. Your style is comfy/sporty with sneakers on your feet. (To find a dress for you to wear to promotion was a feat of feats!) You like what you like and it's mostly tshirts, gym shorts, and some hair ties or woven bracelets around your wrist. You're taller than me now and sneak cardigans out of my closet and wear my crocs out that door even while I'm asking everyone if they've seen them so I can wear them. 

You are selfless to the point of martyrdom; always giving away your fancy pens, your last piece of gum, and the good seat to whoever looks like they need it - your friends, teammates, or siblings.  This makes for a great post in basketball, which you play fearlessly and tough; rebounding like a gosh darn queen. And also for an incredible defender on the soccer field, using your whole body as a shield and protecting our goal. You have the heart of a protector and care giver - so often teachers have said to me, "that girl has the heart of a future special ed teacher," because you have this patient, loving, and protecting heart that believes everyone deserves a fair shot. I am so proud and grateful for that, Roie - but I know you often times forget that YOU deserve all the things too. I will do everything I can to always make sure I am someone who defends and rebounds in life for your fair shot. 

When I sent your end of year photo to my best friends, Karpy said, "I want Gemma to be my BFF." and that really is your vibe. I love that you are the kind of a girl that everyone wants for a friend and every parent wants for a babysitter and every teacher wants for a student and every kid wants for a sibling. You are so likable, my darling. Not because of some gift from above (although probably a little bit of that) but mostly because of the way you make people feel when they are with you. Someone you want in your corner, someone you want to laugh with and share stories with, someone who is on your team (both metaphorically and literally), someone you want to stay up half the night watching rom-coms with and then waking up the next morning working side by side to clean up the mess of blankies and smashed popcorn kernels. 

Right now in time, I'm your momma and I have a boat load of lessons to get into your heart, and boundary lines to draw as you grow, learn, and mature. But my Gemmi Ro, I can't wait until you're grown up and we can just be friends. Because you are the actual nicest person I've ever known and I am so very grateful I get to be your momma.

Gemmi, 
I am so proud of you.
I am so inspired by you.
I am so very thankful for you.
Dad and I say daily - we couldn't get through a day without Gem.
That is actually true. 
I love you, my darling, 
forever -
even though you're already taller than me.
forever and ever,
xxox momma.

Violet Mary, eight years old.

Va-vi, 

Eight years old. How wild when your dimple smile and contagious laugh always holds you at three years old in my heart. My Vially! Getting so grown, it seems impossible but here we are. 

You are really something, Vi; my little magical unicorn of a child. You are unapologetically you and it is inspiring to most people who know you. You are my little artist with a creative eye who can make interesting art out of literally anything. Once, you designed a wearable tank top out of a plastic grocery bag! You are a competitive perfectionist. We had to have a talk this year about how important recess is because you were skipping it several days this year just to beat a classmate's AR book count. Girl, have some fun, you do not always have to be the winner in everything. 

You are freakishly self-assured, In the three years you've been in school not once have you come home worried that someone isn't your friend anymore. You literally don't care...because you know you have other friends, or you have siblings, or screw all of ya'll you have yourself and you'll go climb up in your bed loaded down with 16 cozy blankies and 85 stuffed animals and read until you finish several chapter books above your grade level and drift off into blissful sleep. How I aspire to be the level of DGAF you are Vi; unbound by what other people think of you - girl! the freedom! 

You idolize Grey and look for his approval in almost everything you do. His friendship is so important to you (how grateful I am that you two have that bestie bond). You have a sister bond with Gemma that reminds me a lot of my sister bond with Kitty. You are obsessed with each other; giggling hysterically, making up dance routines, playing multiple-day overlap sessions of teachers/barbies/library - or you are both annoyed with all the ways you are different from each other and need space. (how thankful I am that you have a big sister who will love you loyally no matter how sassy you may be and you are the little sister who would literally punch someone in the face if they wronged your sensitive big sis). 

You and Rusty are 'the meatballs' and sometimes it's hard to know where one of you ends and the other begins. So much sneaky mischief, so much getting out of chores together because you're younger than the big kids, so many inside jokes. People are always asking us if you two are twins (you have a year and 8 months difference). I'd say twin souls might be pretty accurate. Just like Gemma, I know you will protect Rusty if he ever needs it and that gives me so much peace (thank you Vi; my little security guard for your siblings' feelings).

With your limited patience, your relationship with the babies are still growing. You think they are absolutely hilarious when they are being naughty and you dote over their cute faces everyday. But you also don't have time to wait around for them to catch up, so it's a quick hug and a kiss and you're off doing whatever it was you wanted to do at full speed. It makes you crazy how they use your things or want what you want (girl, middle child probs). 

You are classic "she likes what she likes," and as your mom that is both inspiring and frustrating. You were the only girl on the flag football team and literally ran boys over as the running back. You are considering playing tackle football next year, but could just as easily put on a cheer uniform and dance, clap, and tumble to your heart's content (I've seen you do and love both here at home, so whatever you pick is fine with us - as long as you pick what YOU want...I know a lot of people are rooting for football, but you will have fun and be awesome in either one). You devour books when you're in the mood, otherwise you are making enormous, impossible messes with your siblings that take up multiple rooms. You pick your own clothes (my little Punky Brewster who never matches and wears insane layers, like pink jean shorts over top black & silver starred leggings with a baseball cap). 

This year in second grade, you love Social Studies and Science. You almost never need help with homework or studying, you just do what you know you need done and then shove any papers in my face that need signed. You have friends all over the place (different ages, genders, personalities) - you like who you like and if you don't like someone, I am grateful that you are very good at tolerating people in a kind and generous way. You are honest to a fault but you are doing much better at figuring out the things you should say aloud to someone's face and what maybe your bite your tongue for out of kindness.  

You are so good and adaptable, Vi. This is so comforting to me, as a mom. You've never been very needy - even as a little baby; you just go with the flow. I was late to the bus stop the other day and you and Rusty had to go the whole way back to the school for me to pick you up. You reassured Rust that it was fine, and then hung out in the office, then barely gave me any grief about it, you actually laughed about it and said you got to see a friend's house since you stayed on the bus that long. You are just good most of the time; you figure it out and move on. Which means I don't often find you on my late-at-night list of worries of the things that I need to check in on. 

But then that it is what I worry about, my girl. Because it's always the squeaky wheel that gets checked and we are so very different from each other in a lot of ways - except this one thing. We are both good and adaptable and we aren't squeaky wheels - even if we are flat and slipping off the rim. 

You are my hot air balloon child; floating high up in the sky with the most beautiful view, barely waiting to be untethered to explore the whole damn world. Your ladder sways in the wind; dangling down to me while I hustle and bustle between all the people and things that are shouting for me down here on the ground. I know you are good up there; making friends with all the birds, sketching the sunrises and sunsets, hanging upside off the edge, throwing water balloons at your siblings, and probably pulley-system supplying yourself with candy and snacks. 

But my darling, I know I need to climb that ladder more often and come to you. We can sit in your hot air balloon basket surrounded by too many blankies and stuffed animals and read books together and snuggle up and laugh. I know you are good, baby - what an absolute relief it is to me to have a magical, self-assured, bad-ass, artist, fierce child. But you are still my child and no matter how good you are, I am here for you and I promise to climb the ladder to your hot air balloon and meet you where you are - even if you don't ever have to call down for me to come up. 

I am so thankful and relieved that you are adaptable and good, my sweet Violet.
but that doesn't mean you always have to be.
I promise to give you grace for all the times you might not be good
I promise to remember to check in on you even when you are good.
The whole world is yours for the enjoying, honey. And what a beautiful blessing it is to know I get to hear all your stories about the wonderful, magical, beautiful, and wild path you blaze in it. 

My Vially,
I am so proud to be your mom it is dumb
I am so thankful I get a front row seat to your incredible and unique journey
You are truly the coolest person I know
and I will be loving you and cheering you on forever
no matter where your hot air balloon takes you in life,
I want to come up and see the view with you
love you forever and ever,
my peanut darling
forever,
momma

Rustin James at six years old

 My Rustman,

Six years old and headed off to kindergarten this year. Aw man, buddy - what the heck happened to time? I am so excited for you to head out into the world and make your own friends and get on your own sports teams - you've been dragged along for so long now with your older siblings, I know you've been anxious to finally get started on your own growing up and out. But dude, I just want to keep you in my pocket a little longer because you are such a life-giving, hilarious yet wise burst of joy to my soul. 

My little Gemini baby - the sweetest, most authentic, creative, incredible sweetheart of my life most of the time....but sometimes with a Hulk-level angry streak that needs to be talked down from the ledge of vengeance (Rust, you are not alone on this - all the Geminis out there reading this are nodding their head in recognition). Your vocabulary is extensive and makes you so charming when it comes out of your six year old mouth in the right context. You have that curly hair, that sweet smile, and those eyes - aw man, the world is just not prepared for someone that looks like Hollywood but does not care at all about any of that bogus stuff. You just want to play and make friends with all the people and run around wild and free and not emerge from the woods until you are fully dirty, scraped from head to toe, and in need of a snack.

You are a night owl so our no-bedtime-summer suits you perfectly. You are always the last one to fall asleep and then also the last one to wake up in the summer mornings - sleeping sometimes until 11:30a or noon while everyone has been stomping and shouting all around you all morning. You don't care about missing breakfast either, because you just wanted a pb&j sandwich anyway - your favorite! You'd like to survive on solely pb&j, mac & cheese, and pumpkin roll if possible. You think "kid wine" (sparkling grape juice) and root beer in bottles are both hilarious and delicious. 

You have an imagination that is as big as all the world. You slip in and out of make believe with the smoothest of transitions - it is really something to behold. You still love pretend fighting in all kinds of styles (martial arts, superhero style, with play weapons or with imagined weapons). The fighting is enhanced by your wide range of sound effects and you can pretend so well that I need to observe close enough to see how your arms are both fighting your invisible opponent while your arms are also the arms of the invisible opponent fighting you back. You love a good comeback storyline, so most often your invisible opponent really has you in an impossible situation - just totally beat the crap out of you and you are nearly fake dead on the ground before you rise with one last burst of energy to defeat the enemy. It really is something to see you be fully immersed in make believe while we are out here in this boring reality. I have said for a long time that I think maybe you should grow up and be a stunt double in action movies. 

You and Violet are besties; we call you 'the meatballs,' still to this day even though you are both less tiny and round than you used to be when we gave you that name as toddlers. You two spend a lot of time together finding ways to play in a world of make believe - and since you are so easy going and imaginative that make believe world can be a land of all kinds of things: pretend school, pretend library, barbie dolls, baby dolls, superheroes, spies, and pretend city (you guys set up a place of work, a home, a gas station, and the babysitter's house). The messes you make (!!?!), I keep trying to remind myself that I can either have creative kids or a clean house. It makes me so grateful that you and Vi have each other - two peas in a pod - you rarely argue with each other and love each other for exactly all your weird, interesting, (wonderful) quirks. 

You and Grey have different personalities and interests, but the two of you like playing catch, fishing, and wrestling each other. You two will get there, the 6 year gap just feels very big right now. You and Gem are my two sensitive sweetie pies and if either of you need a shoulder to lean on- you come to each other's rescue. Roie will never let anyone hurt you, buddy - and I know you will do the same for her. I pray everyday that your two beating, giant, loving hearts will be safe from this too harsh world but powerful enough to make it softer for everyone else. You are really the most patient big brother to Red and Olive - how very grateful they are to have you to learn from. You are constantly giving up the toy or book that you are using because one of them want it now (only because they see how much fun it is because you have it!) You hug and kiss them, carry them around, help them when they are too little to reach something, and always have time to stop mid stride to tell them they are "so cute." 

You like the smell of my face lotion and tell me to tuck you in after I wash my face and put my lotion on so that it will be the last thing you smell. I love that, Rust. You are so sweet and notice the tiny, small things that end up actually being all the biggest things. I wish I could translate your facial expression most of the time - you almost always have the relaxed expression of someone about to laugh because they know the punchline; they are just waiting for you to realize it. I think maybe you understand the punchline of life, buddy. That we shouldn't be taking it too seriously, that with just a little imagination you can dream up any reality you want, that being with the people you love best of all and telling them you love them and that they are 'so cute' is important enough to pause whatever busy thing you were doing. You are a magical being, Rustman. You breathe life into my heart when I need picked up and that is not your responsibility at all buddy. It's just the truth - by simply existing and being exactly you - that is the power you have.  

I will forever be grateful that we kept you home this year and that I got to be home with you. Just me and you and all those babies. It was magical and healing for my battered, tired, weary soul. I can't say anything else about it because I will cry too much from gratitude.

Mr. Handsome,

I love you so much; you tender-hearted wildling. 

You make me laugh every single day with your wit and humor.

You are fearlessly and brazenly YOU and I hope you always are.
My Rustman, my sweetest boy, who we thought was the baby 

but turned out to be the most incredible, loving, and patient big brother.

I can't believe I get to be your momma.

I will be loving you forever and ever

even when you are so big and still so handsome

momma.

Olive Irene at a year old

 My Livy,

It seems impossible that we've already had a year of you, Olive. You have always been such a joyful little thing even from the very beginning. People regularly ask us if you ever cry (I can assure you, you do - but not often). Your white blond curls always have strangers commenting and your toothy smile makes your Dad dizzy with love. Daddy says all the time, "Have you ever in your life seen something as cute as Liv?' (the answer is no, never). 

You have this hysterical voice you use if you are really frustrated, it's like there is a bubble in your throat and you get a really deep, throaty sound. We think you mean for it to sound angry, but it comes out sounding silly (like you're doing a character voice in a book), and it makes us laugh and swoon. You still use a binky at bedtime and you are an excellent sleeper/napper as long as we are at home. Because you prefer your crib and have trouble sleeping anywhere else (remind me to tell you someday about sleeping in a hotel room with you at one year old ...and by sleeping I mean- I got none). 

You can walk confidently and you have a little tippy-toe run that you do with your arms spread wide and look of terror mixed with excitement on your face. You have a bit of fearlessness in you when it comes to swimming, climbing on top of tables and chairs, and animals. We are trying to work through this with you, because it's not such a terrible thing to be a little cautious, baby girl, but I do love that you are adventurous and tough - you will need to be in life. 

I love you honey, but you are the grossest child we've ever had. You squeeze cheese balls until they are sticky, cheesy liquid all over your hands and then you touch everything and everyone. You are covered hair to toes after you finish eating anything, and you eat any food off the ground or dirt joyfully. You do not care about being clean at all - you are always in puddles or dirt or sand or mud or playing with the toilet bowl brush. You've tried to eat dog food, pinecones, worms, rocks, and chicken poop. Our wildling girl. I have to change your clothes 3-4 times a day because you are constantly covered in all.the.things. You haven't worn a pair of shoes a day in your life.

You love most foods: spaghetti and meatballs probably at the top of the list but cookies right below that. You are a little thief and love stealing things and carrying them around like you have so many things to do. Your favorite activity at your siblings' games is to take my purse and drag it on the ground while you look like you have important meetings to get to. You have a few baby dolls that you like to hold, but most of all you like whatever toy Red has at any given moment (as little sisters do). You have started to be interested in sitting on laps to listen to books and you could not care less about watching screens (although you love carrying phones around because of all your important meetings). You only want to go outside and wander around in the wide open space barefoot like the little wildling that you are. 

You love your brothers and sisters; smiling so big when you see them. Grey and Gem are your favorites, probably because they dote over you so much. They carry you around and kiss you a million times and give you bites of all of their food. Violet and Rusty still spend a lot of time in imaginative play, but they will both stop in their tracks if they see you to give you a kiss and a hug. You are starting to realize more that Reddy will be a playmate and the two of you already have a sneaky little smile that you share when you wake up in the morning or from a nap. It's kind of like,"oooh yes, what kind of trouble and fun can we get in to together?" 

You prefer being with me (mom), but dad is a close second. Gemma and Grey are your next two preferences and then you aren't too fond of many other people. Your grandparents, aunts, your godmother Heather, and Gemma's friend Peyton are all 'okay' to you, but only in short doses and as long as you don't make eye contact with your mom. You are a little bit of a bully to your cousin Wells (stealing his bubbas and binkies) but you two are learning how to recognize each other in play and it is the cutest thing. I love imagining you two growing up and getting into all kinds of fun and memory-making together. 

You have a big personality for such a young age. I've even asked Dad if maybe we let you grow too big for your britches too fast. You get so much free play and outdoor time and so much love and attention. Everywhere we go, people are always talking to you and showering you with compliments and adoration. Maybe we are making a monster of a child out of you - like a Veruca from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - but I will do my best to help mold all that baby-of-the-family-overwhelming-love-and-attention into confidence (instead of arrogance) and gratitude (instead of entitlement) and kindness (instead of narcissism). We will have to work together through that challenge because girl! - are you ever comfortable right now on your throne as Queen baby girl. 

I'm guessing like your biggest brother - you will get the best and the worst of your parents. We've been around the parenting block a time or two (or five) and now have a better idea of what to get worked up about and what's not worth the fuss. How lucky you are to follow behind your big brothers and sisters and have parents who have learned through the various ages and stages of childhood. This makes us both more patient in some ways and less patient in other ways.  And baby girl, I am sorry but you also get the most tired of us and the oldest version of us as your parents. Dad and I are determined to stay healthy, energetic, and playful for you as you grow up. You are an incredible motivation, thank you for that Louie. 

You were a surprise, no doubt -a wish that was made on a star when your momma was seven years old and loved babies and told everyone that someday she would have six kids! How thankful I am for my seven year old self who had a heart full of love and ambition to make that wish because you really are a dream come true, my Livy.

Livalou,

you are stardust and cupcakes and honey butter

you are all the joy that exists into the world smooshed together

everyone who sees you feels instantly happier

my spoiled little baby girl child

you deserve all the love and attention you get

because you serve it right back to all of us in your smile and laughter

my little dumpling; you are the sweetest thing

and I will be loving you forever and ever

and always be so grateful that you are our baby. 

momma.