Rustin James, three years old

my sweetest Mr. Handsome,
Our babiest babe is three.
How in the world does time work?
You bring so much light into our family.
We all laugh and smile as your eyes light up with joy and amazement at all the things we are already taking for granted - even your siblings get to see the world anew, and for that my baby - I am infinitely grateful that you can give that to them.

You are fully in the Question words stage "Who? What? Where? When? Why, why, why?" It is endless questions from you and an "I don't know, buddy" will not suffice as an answer; you'll just come up with a new similar one. We are so happy you are getting all your thoughts in after so long of not hearing what you had to say. You completed 10 months of speech therapy with Ms. Kristin and you have come such a long way. You still drop a lot of your ending sounds and can't say some other sounds (most blends, and /s/, /v/, /g/, /z/) but you are getting your point across and now will not.shut.up. (no complaints, but sheesh dude) You have a distinct "RustyLanguage" that we are all becoming incredibly fluent in.

You are persistent and know what you want; it can be exhausting for this momma of yours. That baby of the family in you has already taught you that if you keep on asking on down the line, someone is going to give in - sometimes just to get you to please for the love all that is holy, man, stop repeating yourself!? 

You are also very sensitive and can tell right away when someone is upset or sad. If we are play fighting and you fake stab me (ha #boymom) and I pretend to cry, you give me a hug right away to revive me back to full health (just to stab me again, but still). You are sensitive too when you think someone is upset with you. You don't do your 'fainting goat' move as much now but you often cross your arms in front of you, stick out your bottom lip, and hang your head. 

You have the sweetest little laugh when something surprises you - it makes everyone near you laugh too. I hope with all hopes that you never lose that. 

You are such a stinkin' trooper man. You get carted to all the places for every other person in our families activities and events. You make friends and find stuff to do and cheer on the teams and are your brother and sisters' teams' honorary little dude. It's hilarious and endearing to watch how all your siblings friends see you and shout, "Rustman!" I love you so much and am so grateful Rustman that you just come with us and deal - even if it's just for the concession stand food and Silverbell Ice Cream - seriously, Rust, I love you for that. 

You have your siblings totally figured out and know exactly who you want in any situation. Grey is the coolest dude you ever met and you try to copy everything he does. You love that you get to wear Grey's hand-me-down clothes ("Dis Grey's but now mine") and you take his advice on how to hold a bat or play a game better than you listen to me or dad. Grey got in big trouble the other day and after I got down yelling at him and sent him to his room, you bawled your eyes out and then went up to your bed too so Grey didn't have to be alone. 

Gemma is such a sucker for you. Oh.my.gosh - that poor girl. She babies you more than me! She carries you around if you ask her to pick you up, she helps you get ready, she rubs your back, she sneaks candy and snacks for you. It's honestly ridiculous how wrapped around your finger she is. She loves you fiercely and protectively. Let no person ever cross her Rusty, because there will be a severe price to pay. You two are very much alike too; our sweet skips. You both wake up almost at the same time - it's kind of weird. Some days it you two sleeping in late, others days you two are the first two up naturally. And you two are both our snuggle masters. 

And Violet is your bestie. The games you two weirdos play together make me laugh so much; two little cannonballs bouncing around the house and yard together. When you play house together you are the Dad and she's the Sister and she sasses you and says she's going to school/work and then you yell at her and put her in pretend timeout. You call her Wiley and she can translate your Rusty Language to anyone if needed. You repeat her so often (especially in the car; if she asks me something and I answer her - you ask me the same exact question and want the same answer immediately after her). She never gets annoyed or upset about that repeating thing; it's almost like she understands that you need the practice and she's happy to give you phrase to try out. You two are going to be an awesome little team. 

Your hair, dude. it is a part of you and your personality and that's just the way it goes. People can barely keep themselves from touching it constantly and you give them your signature stink eye sometimes saying, "I don't like you" but because it's in RustyLanguage, they don't understand (thank goodness #mortifiedmomma) I have seen old ladies literally stop mid conversation to comment to each other about your hair and everyone asks if we've cut it yet (or warns me never to cut it). It is a conversation starter everywhere we go. 

You love the movies Jurassic World, Peter Rabbit, and Monster Trucks (Santa brought you your own 'creech'!) You love looking at picture books and having them read to you. If I sit down and pick up a book, you come and dead weight plop right down on my lap. Your favorite toys are play weapons like guns, swords, and anything that even remotely resembles a gun or sword (pool noodles, bubble wands, sticks, serving utensils). You love play fighting and play dying dramatically (hah!) 

You are a little picky with eating; you'd prefer to eat chicken nuggets or pizza more than anything else. You love 'chippies' (potato chips) and 'chowkit' (chocolate in any form). You call a sipper cup a 'bubba' and when you need to relax you ask for it. You dip everything in ketchup, including your pizza and noodles. 

My Rusty James, 

You bring so much joy and love with your sensitive and caring heart

You bring so much silly and wild with your adventurous and brave soul

how did we get so lucky to be your family, my darling?

I will be loving you forever and ever

even when you get way bigger than me 

my Mr. Handsome baby boy

your momma

Rusty James at two

my RustMan,

my littlest darling, you are two and you are having so much fun destroying everything in your path. You are our Wreck-it Rusty all day, everyday. After your two sisters, I had nearly erased the memories of toddler boy mayhem from my mind (when your big bro was this age,  I was inspired to write 25 rules for moms with sons because I thought I was actually losing my mind!) and then wreck-it Rusty came out in full force and I was like, "aw crap, here we go again."

It's a step up worse this time because you have a giggling, disbelieving audience at your beck and call. Grey is daily holding his belly in laughter as he watches (and eggs you in) all your naughtiness, while Gem lets you get away with near murder because you're the baby, and Violet is on the receiving end of your antics almost all of the time. You are the most popular person in our family RustMan, there is no doubt about that and boy do you eat up that spotlight, sideways grinning and checking to see how many siblings are giggling at you.



You are such a perfect example of your zodiac sign, the Gemini; giving us constant whiplash as you swing back and forth between the sweetest, cherub faced, curly haired angel who wants to hug us all the way around our neck to an actual demon stealing things from our hands, biting, squeezing, and pinching until we cry out and send you to time out where then you do your 'fainting goat' move and fall to the floor in a heap of tears. Oh RustMan, we will figure out how to balance this emotional seesaw together!

your most favorite thing is Daddy's tractor. You love going for rides and helping us mow the grass. You love saying hello and goodbye to the tractor. When you want to join the conversation, you can formulate phrases most easily by talking about the tractor. "Daddy's tractor outside," "that's Daddy's tractor," "no Mommy's tractor, that's Daddy's tractor." A few days ago you were hand-me-downed two John Deer PowerWheels tractors and I don't know that you'll ever be delighted in your whole life as you were when you saw those. Every morning since, you've woken up and informed us, "tractor mine, outside, go"

You are finally starting to talk after what feels like forever. I guess as the fourth child, who needs to talk when you have bigger siblings who can read your facial expressions and know your secret language of grunts, points, and squeaks. But finally, we are understanding you and you're quite funny. You had me laughing out loud the other day while we were laying in Grey's bed and I was trying to get you to take a nap. You said, "mum, eat" and held out your empty hand. I said, "buddy, lay down." and you said "no, eat" and then you continued to pinch imaginary snacks out of your empty hand and put them in your mouth and fake chew them up. You little weirdo, we were both cracking up.

Your hair, buddy. You haven't had a haircut yet because I'm almost a little too afraid to see what you would look like without that full head of the sweetest curliest ringlets. At this point, your hair is now part of your personality and we've figured out how to (mostly) manage it - so they stay indefinitely. You did have a partial first haircut the other week, when Violet did some experimenting on you with the scissors, but luckily it didn't cause any visible damage. Your hair is certainly the first thing everyone notices about you ("omigosh! look how beautiful" as people pull down your ringlets gently to watch them bounce back into place, hah) but it isn't the only thing they notice about you which makes me happy. Your hair can draw people in, but it's your silly personality and sweet smile that makes them want to stay.

You are quick-moving, curious, and fearless which is the trifecta of dangerous boys. We often find you in perilous situations where we need to act as crisis negotiators; stay calm, smile, distract. Your bigger siblings have caught on that it when it comes to danger with you, it is safer to react calmly than it is to show any sign of distress because you will act out recklessly just to watch us squirm.

You have each of your siblings figured out already. If you want to play rough, you seek out Grey - if you need loved and snuggled and babied, you find Gem (many times calling out "Demma!" from wherever you need rescued - poor girl, she is such a sucker for you!) and when you feel like playing pretend (or bullying) you find your "Dially." You still prefer me only slightly to Dad and I'll be holding on to that for as long as possible - because if you are anything like your big bro, it will be short lived and soon you'll be all Dad, all the time.

You love talking on our 'hellos' (phones), and eating 'chippies' or 'chawkit' (potato chips or chocolate chips). Your favorite animals are cows but you also love Grey's hamster 'Pike!' (Spike) You have a little tricycle motorcycle that you love, you don't use the peddles yet, but you can get around so fast on that thing by moving your feet. You love taking baths (not washing your hair though) and if you could be naked all the time, you would be. You sleep in a toddler bed, you are about fifty-fifty when it comes to potty training already, and you love learning to be independent (putting on your own shoes, buckling your car seat, feeding the dogs..)

Yesterday while I was standing at the oven making dinner, the dogs started barking at something outside and startled you from where you were playing on the other side of the kitchen. You hopped up and ran over to me and grabbed a hold of my leg and half hid behind me. And because you're the baby, I had my chronic nostalgia flag go up in my heart, "remember this momma, he'll be the last one to do this." Everything with you gets cherished just a little bit more because you, our baby, are like rose-colored glasses come to life.

RustMan James,
I will be loving you forever.
Even when you, my baby, get so big
even bigger than me!
my babiest babe forever
i will be loving you.
momma

Rusty James is One

My Rusty James,
In the impossible nature that is time itself, you have grown a whole year's worth of it now.  You've celebrated all the holidays once and all seven seasons (the four natural seasons and then also football, basketball, and baseball seasons which include enduring practices and games along with us like a champ).

You've learned to smile, to feed yourself, to point and demand something, to reach your arms out to be picked up.  You've learned to roll over, then do the giddy up crawl (one leg bent, one foot on the floor), and then walk - now, nearly in a run with arms outstretched.

You've learned how to navigate the dogs' swinging tails that are inconveniently yet perfectly parallel to your eye level. You can sign to us certain words to get your point across (hungry, sleepy, outside, play) or you've found other ways to get your point across (that high pitched screech you give all of us).  You give the sweetest, gentlest little gaping mouth kissas, then pull back and smile - making us all swoon.  You love to clap; a life encourager already, you are.

You're a sneaky little bugger, always getting into things you're not supposed to and wrecking the place as best as you can.  You give Violet a run for her money always trying to steal her snacks and drinks and toys because she's the only sibling who doesn't outright just hand whatever it is you want over to you.  You love chasing Lulu or toddling up to her and trying to pat her while she lays there with a sideways look on her face knowing she can't yet trust this human yet. 

And your Gemini zodiac is well ingrained in your personality already as you flash between polar opposite attitudes.  You are a sweet, smiling, independent playing, curious, little darling.  Or inconsolably mad, flailing your head back (and you've got quite the melon, dude) to demonstrate just how serious you are about your unhappiness.  I think back to those first few months of colic and often wonder if that wasn't just your Gemini sign shining through. (Gratefully, your 'nice twin' is the dominant one).

You give the most precious hugs and snuggles and at random moments in the day.  You'll see me sitting on the floor folding laundry and you weave over the piles, laboriously climb into my lap and bounce your feet as I organize your sister's shirts; as if to say - oh, yes, here's a good spot to sit and rest by momma for a few minutes.

You have a little ET-run that you do when you see your Dad and grandpas; unsteadily walking as fast as you can to get them to be lifted up high and in their big, strong arms.  You know that Booboo will play rough with you and joyfully smack him right off the forehead which delights Grey and sends him into fits of giggles.  Booboo loves calling you, 'Bad baby,' and it somehow comes out as the cutest term of endearment.  Gemma dotes on you like a little momma and you are so clearly confident in her abilities to hold you and care for you that it makes me laugh and also feel grateful that you two have each other.

And you and Violet...oh sheesh - the two of you make a hysterical little pair - both of you standing only so tall and needing me so much still.  You two often times stand in front of me, side by side, gazing up at me with big round eyes both wanting the same exact thing at the same time (a snuggle, a hug, to be held, a bubba, attention).

It's fun to see all the little pieces of all the branches of our family tree finding their little bits in you.  The tufts of curls at the base of your head, just like your great Grandfather Jim Adams.  The way you scrunch your nose up like he used to do too.  Gigi says you remind her of Daddy more than all the other babies have at this age.  And Abba says when you smile you look just like baby me.  Lots of people have noted how they think you look like Chum or Pappy.  You have those big eyes like Gemmi, and that crazy boy destructive mode like Booboo, and a go-with-the-flow attitude like Violet. But you are also distinctively and singularly YOU.  

You love opening and closing doors (cupboards, the wagon door, the door on the little red and yellow car), you like carrying around long, stick-shaped objects (markers, pens, pencils), and you are fascinated with rocks - the bigger the more intriguing.  You prefer Lola to the dogs and love eye contact and 'talking' face to face with people.  You haven't found your love of books yet, but you do like flipping board books pages and flaps (it's kind of like opening doors!)  And riding the tractor or taking a loop around the yard in the Barbie Jeep with your sisters are some of your favorite activities.  

RustMan, you are such a joy.  You are so obviously part of our family; one of us,  that to imagine us here before without you seems like a dream.  It breaks my poor momma's heart to see you growing and learning and becoming a toddler.  Everyday you gobsmack me with some new little thing you learned or figured out.  My babiest baby.  And maybe it's because you are you, or because you're the littlest and I'm fabricating it in my momma's mind - but I swear, even a year later, I can still smell the heaven on you, just like a new babe.  You are adored, RustMan, truly, by each of us.  You bring smiles to this whole house just because you are you.  

I'll love you forever and ever and ever.

Even when you get big

(and even if you grow out of your heaven smell)

your momma.

Rustin's Baptism

We celebrated our sweet Rustin James at his baptism two Sundays ago.  The kids had stayed up late the night before at our friends' wedding, so I was up by 5am buzzing around trying to get every possible thing together so that we could let the kids sleep in as long as possible before having to leave for 10am mass.  Grey had a baseball tournament that afternoon, and we had kickball that night, so there was quite a bit of organizing to accomplish.

By some miracle, we all were dressed and loaded in Sheila ON TIME and the only thing left to do was to get the dogs in the house....and Bullet is nowhere to be found.  hon.est.ly.  if it's not the kids, it's the animals - amirite!?

Brandon and I walked the perimeter of our yard (we have an invisible fence) and called out for him for about ten minutes - finally, B spotted Bully sitting in the tall weeds way down towards the fruit trees.  After that debacle, we strolled into mass about 5 minutes late (again.  hon.est.ly).

Immediately after mass, I hustled our little sweetheart into his Baptism gown (formerly Brandon's!) and we snapped a family picture before Grey headed out to his baseball game with Uncle Juice (thank you Uncle J for taking him!)

I was so incredibly touched that we had so many people there to witness our sweet boy's christening.  I sent a little prayer out to my Momma who had to stay home that morning (kidney stones are evil) and who I know was heartbroken she couldn't be there (no worries momma - you were in all our hearts!!)  

The ceremony was beautiful and Rusty did a great job - not a single cry the whole time! Meanwhile, Violet marched about (quietly, but still) the pews smiling and loving that most of her favorite people were there watching like a bonafide audience.  

Rustin's godparents are our dear friends Taryn and Matt (known to our kids as 'Siri & Dobber') We've know T since elementary school and then she and Bud went to college together, where they both met Matt - one of Brandon's basketball teammates.  We are so very grateful that they are in all of our lives, but especially connected to our Rusty's journey.  (thank you and love you). 

After the baptism, we all headed over to Pappy and Gigi's house for a picnic and pool party to continue to celebrate Rusty Man.  It was the perfect day for swimming and sunning and the food was delicious. (Thank you Gigi and Pappy so much for hosting!)  We had all afternoon to hang out with our family and friends chatting while Rustin made his way into just about everyone's arms for some snuggles. 

Greyson made it back in time to swim and play too (they lost their game, boo - but kind of win to be able to celebrate with us!)  The kids all had so much fun playing with their cousins and baby Claire.  It was a wonderful day and as always, a reminder of how grateful we are to be surrounded by people who love us.  

(so many parentheses in this post.  couldn't help myself.  HAH)

our Rustin James

Rustin, 

you're here.  finally. 

It was a long time to get you out into the world.  Actually, it felt like a really long time considering I was ready for you to be born at about the 32 week mark.  And then on the day you were to be born, I so hopeful that it would be quick and you'd be in my arms by lunchtime.  Alas, you had other plans and we ended up having to wait all day for you to arrive.  

In my rose-rimmed glasses of my mother's heart, I knew it should be special and cherished, this last go at labor and delivery.  And I really did want to hold on to each little piece of your birthday.  But I'll be honest with you, Rust, there were several times that it was just Dad and I in the room and I looked at him with tear soaked eyes and whimpered, "I just want this to be over.  I just want him to be here and to be done with this."

And then, like all hard things in life, suddenly the enduring part was over and the doing part had arrived...and then...

you were there.  

I cannot tell you the relief that washed over me when you were placed in my arms and I heard you cry.  I whispered over and over to you, "Just cry, Rusty." And, "It was hard for both of us, wasn't it?  But we did it.  You're here." 

It felt like getting to the finish line, Rust.
Like a sweeping feeling of accomplishment and relief and triumph and joy to have you out here in the world.

Not only to just get you here, out and into our arms where you belong, but that we finally had all of us was finally present and accounted for.

We, our family; our team -  we could all be together now. Cheering and encouraging each other, leaning into and comforting each other and facing this world that is sometimes paralyzingly scary, but most times overwhelmingly beautiful too.

And then it was time to bring in the cavalry.
I gave a you kiss and a quick warning, "Your family is coming now, Rustin, we're a little weird and loud and crazy, but they love you.  You'll get used to us."

And then the room blossomed with love and joy and giggles and palpable buzz of excitement.

Rusty, just as I've done at your siblings' births, I have etched the smiles of our family upon seeing you for the first time onto my heart to keepsake for all of time.

These people love you to the deepest pits of their bellies and there is nothing you could do that could ever take that out of them.  You are blessed and loved.  Don't ever doubt that.

And then, Rust, you were lovingly passed around and snuggled and kissed - gosh, how many times?!- and photographed, and admired far longer than the visiting hours allow.  We sang your first happy birthday song to you, snacked on chocolate cake, and hugged and congratulated each other on getting the chance to love you, another one of us; of our tribe, fiercely for the rest of our lives.  How lucky we all felt, still feel, will forever feel - to be a part of your life.

Your big brother told us each multiple times that it was a fact that his team had won their first baseball game this season just a few hours before in honor of his baby brother.  

And your big sister Gemma kept peeking at your face with shy pride and adoration asking over and over if I was okay and when we'd be home all together with her new baby brother.  

And your big sister Violet stomped about the room grabbing everyone's hands and dragging them over to see her "Baby!  Rusty!" giving you kisses on your forehead and taking inventory of your body parts while pointing to them; "eye.  nose.  ear...." 

And your grandparents smiled, and teared up, and hugged each other and passed you and your siblings around like real life baby dolls leaving kisses and tickles on each of your faces.  The gratitude that I feel that you have all four of your grandparents in your life is more than I could ever, ever explain.  You, and your siblings, will never be less than the brightest stars in the whole of the universe to those four people.  You bring a sparkle to their eyes simply by existing.  It is so wonderfully beautiful.

And your aunts smiled and giggled and made your tired mother laugh and smile while they circled the room.  Aunt Uch with her video camera and making sure to snap pictures of all the things I would want to capture for you (thank you), and Aunt Kitty being all weepy eyed over Facetime, weathering motion sickness from all the passing around of the phone and staying on so long that the phone battery died.

And your Uncle Juice swinging in full of life and goofy stories and making us all shake our heads and laugh. And our cousin Meg, also our midwife, who lingered in celebration with us telling everyone that I had done a great job (when really it is always she that does the great job), and letting too many people stay for too much time because to break up a first ever birthday party like that just didn't seem right.

And then because we are so blessed to be surrounded by infinite amounts of love and support; you, dad, and I holed up in our hospital room for two days snuggling up and talking in whispers while all three of us drifted in and out of sleep between the visits from our family and friends who peeked in on us to bestow us with hugs, kisses, and congratulations.  Your big brother and sisters were off having adventures with our family, and so it was just the three of us in what felt like time suspended while we stared at your sweet face and marveled at your big paw hands and tried to guess what it would be like when we were all at home together.

And we knew it was the last time to live in this little bubble of the first two days of a new baby cradled in the security and calmness of the hospital.  And that made it feel special, somehow less like the closing of a book, but more like the start of a new chapter.  

A new chapter for you, obviously, our sweet little darling getting your life started.  Thinking of all the things you'll learn and experience and who you will grow up to be - little by little.  We cannot wait to watch with pride and love - to learn about the good man you will be become. 

But a new beginning for us too, your mum and dad.  This is the part where we grow up with our kids.  We've been doing it all along with your siblings, but always with our foot on the brake because we knew we were holding out on growing our family bigger too.  And now, we've lifted that foot and it feels like a steady cruise into the next part of parenthood for us.  The growing up part.  The part where we watch the four of you turn into your own selves while we get a chance to turn back into our own selves a little bit each day too.  

It feels like we're all here now. 

And you did that for us, Rust. 

You both opened a door and closed one too. 

There will always be a little magic in you because of that.

You are so loved already, Rusty.  You've been so loved since the moment we knew you were growing.  And now that you're out here in the world - we are overjoyed at just the sight of you.  All of us.  Each of us out here that make up a part of the tribe that will surround you and encourage and cheer for you as you turn into whoever it is you are going to be. 

I'll ask, my sweet little darling, that you try your best to extend some grace and patience to your Dad and I as you grow through this life. You will be the last of all the things that mommas and daddas talk about with giddy smiles before they go to bed at night.  You'll be our last first word, our last first steps, our last baby to wear onesies, our last baby in a crib, our last baby to get on the school bus.  Forever, the mere sight of you will conjure up nostalgia, and that is just a blessed curse you'll have to bear because you'll be our family baby from here on out.  

Sorry for that Rust.

But also, thank you.  

my littlest love.

my last darling. 

who I'll love forever and ever. 

even when you get so big.

your mumma.