Rustin James at six years old

 My Rustman,

Six years old and headed off to kindergarten this year. Aw man, buddy - what the heck happened to time? I am so excited for you to head out into the world and make your own friends and get on your own sports teams - you've been dragged along for so long now with your older siblings, I know you've been anxious to finally get started on your own growing up and out. But dude, I just want to keep you in my pocket a little longer because you are such a life-giving, hilarious yet wise burst of joy to my soul. 

My little Gemini baby - the sweetest, most authentic, creative, incredible sweetheart of my life most of the time....but sometimes with a Hulk-level angry streak that needs to be talked down from the ledge of vengeance (Rust, you are not alone on this - all the Geminis out there reading this are nodding their head in recognition). Your vocabulary is extensive and makes you so charming when it comes out of your six year old mouth in the right context. You have that curly hair, that sweet smile, and those eyes - aw man, the world is just not prepared for someone that looks like Hollywood but does not care at all about any of that bogus stuff. You just want to play and make friends with all the people and run around wild and free and not emerge from the woods until you are fully dirty, scraped from head to toe, and in need of a snack.

You are a night owl so our no-bedtime-summer suits you perfectly. You are always the last one to fall asleep and then also the last one to wake up in the summer mornings - sleeping sometimes until 11:30a or noon while everyone has been stomping and shouting all around you all morning. You don't care about missing breakfast either, because you just wanted a pb&j sandwich anyway - your favorite! You'd like to survive on solely pb&j, mac & cheese, and pumpkin roll if possible. You think "kid wine" (sparkling grape juice) and root beer in bottles are both hilarious and delicious. 

You have an imagination that is as big as all the world. You slip in and out of make believe with the smoothest of transitions - it is really something to behold. You still love pretend fighting in all kinds of styles (martial arts, superhero style, with play weapons or with imagined weapons). The fighting is enhanced by your wide range of sound effects and you can pretend so well that I need to observe close enough to see how your arms are both fighting your invisible opponent while your arms are also the arms of the invisible opponent fighting you back. You love a good comeback storyline, so most often your invisible opponent really has you in an impossible situation - just totally beat the crap out of you and you are nearly fake dead on the ground before you rise with one last burst of energy to defeat the enemy. It really is something to see you be fully immersed in make believe while we are out here in this boring reality. I have said for a long time that I think maybe you should grow up and be a stunt double in action movies. 

You and Violet are besties; we call you 'the meatballs,' still to this day even though you are both less tiny and round than you used to be when we gave you that name as toddlers. You two spend a lot of time together finding ways to play in a world of make believe - and since you are so easy going and imaginative that make believe world can be a land of all kinds of things: pretend school, pretend library, barbie dolls, baby dolls, superheroes, spies, and pretend city (you guys set up a place of work, a home, a gas station, and the babysitter's house). The messes you make (!!?!), I keep trying to remind myself that I can either have creative kids or a clean house. It makes me so grateful that you and Vi have each other - two peas in a pod - you rarely argue with each other and love each other for exactly all your weird, interesting, (wonderful) quirks. 

You and Grey have different personalities and interests, but the two of you like playing catch, fishing, and wrestling each other. You two will get there, the 6 year gap just feels very big right now. You and Gem are my two sensitive sweetie pies and if either of you need a shoulder to lean on- you come to each other's rescue. Roie will never let anyone hurt you, buddy - and I know you will do the same for her. I pray everyday that your two beating, giant, loving hearts will be safe from this too harsh world but powerful enough to make it softer for everyone else. You are really the most patient big brother to Red and Olive - how very grateful they are to have you to learn from. You are constantly giving up the toy or book that you are using because one of them want it now (only because they see how much fun it is because you have it!) You hug and kiss them, carry them around, help them when they are too little to reach something, and always have time to stop mid stride to tell them they are "so cute." 

You like the smell of my face lotion and tell me to tuck you in after I wash my face and put my lotion on so that it will be the last thing you smell. I love that, Rust. You are so sweet and notice the tiny, small things that end up actually being all the biggest things. I wish I could translate your facial expression most of the time - you almost always have the relaxed expression of someone about to laugh because they know the punchline; they are just waiting for you to realize it. I think maybe you understand the punchline of life, buddy. That we shouldn't be taking it too seriously, that with just a little imagination you can dream up any reality you want, that being with the people you love best of all and telling them you love them and that they are 'so cute' is important enough to pause whatever busy thing you were doing. You are a magical being, Rustman. You breathe life into my heart when I need picked up and that is not your responsibility at all buddy. It's just the truth - by simply existing and being exactly you - that is the power you have.  

I will forever be grateful that we kept you home this year and that I got to be home with you. Just me and you and all those babies. It was magical and healing for my battered, tired, weary soul. I can't say anything else about it because I will cry too much from gratitude.

Mr. Handsome,

I love you so much; you tender-hearted wildling. 

You make me laugh every single day with your wit and humor.

You are fearlessly and brazenly YOU and I hope you always are.
My Rustman, my sweetest boy, who we thought was the baby 

but turned out to be the most incredible, loving, and patient big brother.

I can't believe I get to be your momma.

I will be loving you forever and ever

even when you are so big and still so handsome

momma.