the 5 year plan revisited

While poking around in the 12 years worth of blog posts (!) a few months ago, I found this post from August 2012 and smiled and laughed my way through it. In that post, I had written to myself five years younger (24 year old Tabitha) to tell her about all the things she would be surprised to know had happened in only five years time. Then, I had written a list out to future Tabitha for five years from then (Tabitha of 34 yrs) and guessed, hoped, dreamed at how our life would change in another five years. 

Since I didn't uncover it until this year (seven years later!), I smiled as I checked off the list while astonished, as always, at how time slips by; ya blink, man, and ya almost miss it. Tabitha from 2012 had written these thoughts for five years in the future: 

• we will have added to our human family by 2 - yes! plus (almost) one more than that!
• we will NOT have moved again - yes!
• we will have traveled to Europe - no
• we will still be doing 12 months of kindness - yes, but loosely - we just try to live with kindness and give our own personal gifts out as generously as possible
• i will be working with kids again - yes! 
• my kids will be bilingual - hahha, no. they tell me to "just talk regular" 
• b and i will have renewed our vows - no, but our whispered declarations of love and gratitude to each other in the small moments of hectic life of raising up kids carry so much more weight than any ceremony or party could ever
• i will be a published writer - ugh, no. although I did write my first short story and Brandon blew it up 300% size and framed it and hung it in our dining room

Seven years ago, I was 29 (oh, how precious!) with two kiddos aged 3 and under. I was right in the beginning states of understanding there is no way to figure this mom'ing gig out; just scratching the surface at the realization that there is no right way, fix-all, or perfect in raising up kids. Gosh, how I wanted there to be one though - because I am a researcher and planner and tryer-outer and I was determined to overturn every darn rock to discover the way to do this thing the right way. How sweet and ambitious of a young mother she was - how tired and frustrated she was; mostly with herself. 

I had learned so much in three years of mom'ing, but I had so much to go yet - so much experience, so many more kids (hah!), so many more mistakes and successes that needed to come through to get me to where I am now...still not knowing what I'm doing, but finding solace in recognizing that it's a good thing to get to continue to try better and grow each day. To see that what works today and is beautiful right this moment might only last for just this moment. And what is a chaotic, messy disaster today will be something we laugh about tomorrow. Because, girl, this is a damn circus. But it's our circus and we have our favorite freaks in our freak show and we wave that flag loud and proud, baby. 

Sweet, ambitious, beautiful, exhausted, brilliant Tabitha of 29. My darling, you will be surprised to find out that in the last seven years, these things have happened: 

• you are back in the classroom teaching high school Spanish (for 3+years now) and you are the Spanish club adviser, prom committee adviser, and Project Lit book club co-founder
• you're in college again (online) while teaching full-time and pregnant to take one class that the department of education is requiring you to take to be PA certified (after passing all the PA Praxis tests last year)
• you were a stay-at-home mom for three years and it was the best and loneliest job you have ever had
• Brandon took a huge pay cut and changed jobs for a much more balanced work-home life and a healthy, hearty beard and you could not be more grateful
• Brandon was a varsity basketball coach for six years at your alma mater
• you have not traveled out of the country in over five years
• you and Brandon coach youth sports almost year round (you: youth cheerleading and soccer and Brandon: youth football, basketball, and baseball)
• you started running and have run and finished many 5Ks, a 10k, and a half marathon
• you read real books again, like a lot of them (20+ a year!)
• you started a small book publishing business with your best friends that create and sell outdoorsman related children's books
• loved, prayed, weathered, and researched through a year and a half of pancreatic cancer treatments for Gigi
• you lost your final grandparent, pap, and carry the heaviness in your heart of being a grandparentless grandchild
• you and Brandon took a long weekend trip to the Adirondacks to celebrate 10 years of marriage (!) and it was incredibly blissful and memories of that little window of just the two of you helps you stay grounded when our normal life is so loud and busy
• you said goodbye to both of your cats who live in cat heaven with cat Jesus now
• Brandon has most of his fish still - Big Daddy the catfish lives on still!
• you currently have 7 chickens
• Bullet is still the biggest pain in the butt of the family. Trixie still only wants to sleep and snuggle
• in there, we've also had hermit crabs and a hamster (rest in peace with hermit crab Jesus and hamster Jesus)
• you and Brandon eat high school lunch together regularly during the school year because you work in the same school district now
• you drive a mini van; her name is Sheila. We are pretty sure she has a mouse living in it #kidsnacklife and we call him Marvin and say he's Sheila's pet 
• you still have pink carpet up the steps and that tile that you hate in the kitchen
• your oldest son has gone to kindergarten (such a traumatic momma milestone, you cried and then survived and now thrive), broken his wrist when he was staying with cousins three hours away, would choose hunting and fishing over you (hah, but seriously), plays every sport with the athletic freak genes he possesses, and is almost a decade old
• your oldest daughter has gone to kindergarten (still heartbreaking but with much less trauma because - girl you been here before), struggled in school academically, has best friends that are 2-3 years older, carries a deeply empathetic heart around each day that needs regular caring and tending to, and fought for human rights by teaching classmates that "flesh" is not a color of crayon and telling kids on the bus that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls
• your middle daughter has registered for kindergarten, kissed a boy (!), has special powers that might include seeing the future, almost drown last summer, and has dimples when she smiles mischievously 
• your second son does not stop talking, has the sweetest lisp you've ever heard, whiplashes between a cherub angel and a demon, eats chocolate and chips for his main nutrition, and can not wait to be a big brother so he's not the littlest
• your baby boy, Studer #5 (!) is scheduled to arrive in 6 days with your first c-section due to a low lying placenta and possible cord prolapse...in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic. his life will be no doubt be full of adventure. 

29 year old Tabitha,

I love you for your ambition and hopes and dreams. Thank you for using moisturizer, and trying crazy pinterest things when you had the time, money, and energy. Thank you for hanging in there when the first swing at motherhood is so shocking and scary and hard - so so hard is that first time out of the gates! I get to live this life today because you lived that life seven years ago and I am so grateful for this life today - in all it's loud, messy, madness. I am proud of you and thankful for you. 

And to future Tabitha - 42 year old Tabitha out there. I cannot even imagine, nor do I want to even go there yet thinking about the life you lead with bigger kids and bigger problems - teenagers! all five kids in school! boyfriends/girlfriends! permit drivers! 

omigosh, I can cry just considering it. But maybe if you make me do it - I hope these things might be true about our life in five years: 

• you will not have moved but found a way to make this home and space more of what you want
• you will have more farm animals (goats? sheep? ducks?)
• you will WRITE THE DAMN BOOK
• you will have taken some/all children on a volunteering trip
• you will still be teaching
• you will have stuck to your guns on the no cell phone until 8th grade rule
• you will still be making Family Yearbooks

Good luck out there future Tab. I love you, I trust you. 

Do this life; this loving your handsome bearded husband, this raising up kids, this teaching students and coaching kids, and giving generously with an intentional, grateful heart. 

It's all going to be okay - and if we're lucky - it's all going to be imperfectly wonderful.