Redland is here.

Red, 

my little greatest showman. 

none of it went like I thought it would go

you have a mother that likes to make plans and calendar notes and check tasks off of to do lists

but you were born into a world that does not support plans and calendar notes and normal task lists

I wish I could write more at this time

but your momma has a lot of thoughts 

and processing 

and sorting out in her heart and mind to do

all there is to know is that

you are here. 

and you are perfect. 

and you are squishy. 

and you smell like heaven. 

and you are so teeny (your momma, she forgets every time how small babies are!)

and you bring so much joy to your big brothers and sisters

and you are strong

and that is all that matters in this time of uncertainty

the thing is
we miss our people.
we want hugs from our grandparents and friends
we want to pass you from arm to adoring arm
we want to coo and giggle and melt over your little expressions together
we want to share food and drink with those we love in celebration of your birthday
we want to set dates on the calendar for meet&greets and playdates

it feels too lonely and unsure
how long must we stay away from the physical closeness of the people that help us hold it all together?
there are so many hugs that are waiting to surround you
there are so many kisses that haven't been given to you
the heaven scent from the top of your head has not been inhaled by all of your people
you have not squeezed around the fingers of those that will cheer you on all your life
my heart aches to think of how much you deserve all of those things, Red.
my heart aches to know how much the people you love need to give you all those things, Red.
I know they will, as soon as they can safely
but the waiting hurts a lot

and you are definitely getting a lot of hugs and kisses and heaven scent inhales and fingers to squeeze from me and dad and Grey and Gem and Violet, and Rusty
you are so loved that all day long I have to say,
"we don't have to fight over who gets to hold Redland next! He lives with us now forever!"

when you are in my arms, Red,
everything that feels scary blurs out
and I can focus on just this one moment

I don't know how to be what the world needs me to be right now
I don't know how long this will last
I don't know if there is more scary, sad days ahead

but I know I can do this one thing
I can be your momma

I love you, Red.
you are the tiniest person in our family
but somehow the anchor
while the world swirls around in uncertainty outside our mountaintop
you hold us to this present moment
the beauty and simplicity of this moment right now
thank you, Red.
we are so lucky to be your family.