from my ancestors

We live in a time right now that feels so powerless; so out of our control. I have struggled this past year - two years? three years? few years? - feeling like I didn't have control over lots of things. That I was more scared, worried, and distracted than I was intentional, grateful, and focused. 

There's a lot that we have to manage and then we threw a global pandemic on top of it that just highlighted all the cracks in the façade that were always there but easier to ignore when the light wasn't shining directly at it. 

And then you're raising up kids and trying to be a good person and loving your family and friends and all the while wondering, "how am I going to hold this all together when I can barely hold myself together?" 

yeah. we've been living through some times. 

--

but, also...have we? 

have we been living through the craziest of some times? really really? 

because when I sit and talk with Brandon's grandma about what it was like to grow up 80 years ago, that was some freaking times, man. 

and when my sister reads me a letter from our great great uncle that is preserved on her ancestry.com profile - that was some freaking times, man. 

--

I watched a video recently of a scientist quoting what I assume is the James Taylor song - that the secret to life is to enjoy the passage of time.
That the impossibility of us even being alive;
our ancestors having survived and fallen in love
...our parents meeting and falling in love
...them procreating at exactly the moment they did for the exact sperm to meet that egg that made us, US happened at exactly that moment
...for all the growing and birthing, and living to have succeeded that we are here right now in this moment.
That is all actually statistically, ridiculously improbable. 

and yet. 

here we are. 

--

Sometimes when I think of the long line of people back, back, back all the way through my family tree I am stunned into deep gratitude and awe. Can you imagine? All of history, all of your ancestors who have conspired, worked, toiled, struggled, failed, and succeeded so that we could have this exact life. 

And then despite being a grandparentless grandchild - I look around at my life and see my grandparents; my children's ancestors everywhere still in my life. My grandparents all passed years ago - 16 years, 12 years, and 7 years; but they are still present in so many pockets of my daily life. The lives they led, what the taught me, how much their life meant in my life - still visible and valuable in the lives of my children who never had the opportunity to know and love them on Earth. 

from my grandma Helen

• my daughter's middle name: Violet Mary (the legend goes that my grandma and all her sisters were actually named Mary but they all went by their middle names which is why everyone knew her as Helen). 
• my propensity for baking
• the reason I own a hummingbird feeder
• taught me how to make perfect* french toast (quoted from my children)
• taught me to put hair in rags for super curl overnight

from my grandma Irene

• my middle name: Tabitha Irene
• my daughter's middle name: Olive Irene
• my propensity for storytelling
• taught me how to put little kids to sleep ("eyes")
• taught me to keep a tissue up my shirt sleeve all winter long
• shines through in the selflessness of our daughter Gemma 

from my grandpap Jim

• my facial bone structure
• my son's name: Red Adams (my pap was nicknamed Red because of his hair color. My maiden name is Pap's family name; Adams, and now my Redland's middle name). 
• my son's middle name: Rusty James
• my daughter Olive's red tinted hair 
• shines through in the humor, wit, and selective hearing (hah) of our son Rusty

from my grandpap Al

• taught me my favorite term of endearment for my kids; Sugarplumie
• taught me to cook the perfect* scrambled egg (quoted from my children)
• shines through the hand motions and sound effects of all my sons when they are telling a story

from my great grandmothers
two of the kindest compliments I've ever received came from comparisons to them:

• My dad told me once that I remind him of his grandma because I always seem to have enough love to go around for all the kids. (his grandmother had 21 children, one of them was his dad, my grandpap Jim). 
• My great aunt said to me once, "God sure knew the right women to give all the babies to - you and my mother." (her mom had 14 children, one of them my grandma Irene). 

--

and honestly, I'm not diminishing our freaking time, because for real for real - it is some freaking times. 

But, friends - may we remember that 

We are the middle names of our great great grandchildren. 

We are the cheekbones of our great nieces and nephews. 

We are making the recipes today that our grandchildren will teach to their grandchildren around kitchen tables we will never sit at. 

Stand tall, friends. 
our ancestors are behind us, bolstering us and giving us strength. 
we should live like the ancestors we will someday be 

those that are rooting and building for our family trees that have not yet sprouted. 

you are bigger than you. 

we are bigger than today 

both behind us and ahead of us. 

live that way. 

without fear or doubt

but with confidence, strength, and most of all hope.