Gemma Rose, ten years old

 My Gemmi, 

I can't think about you being ten because it makes me feel like I can't breathe. Ten! The last time you can do your whole age just on two hands. gulp, gulp, gulp forever. What's actually ridiculous is that no one in your life treats you like you are only ten. Ten is nothing for how mature you act, for how empathetic your knee-jerk reaction is, for how you care for your younger siblings, for how you carry yourself in public. 

But I know my Gemmi Ro who likes her fluffy pillows and likes to twirl to Justin Beiber songs and who still likes to snuggle on the couch while we watch cheesy chick flicks that we can tell within the first two minutes which characters will be kissing by the end. I know my Gemmi Ro who still wants to talk about her dreams while she's half asleep at the breakfast table with her hair in every possible direction while eating 17 bowls of cereal. 

My Gemmi Ro is ten and it both swells and breaks my heart. 

At ten, Gemma, you still love playing teacher and being the boss of everyone while also giving everyone encouragement and gold stars and all the books checked out of your pretend library in your bedroom. You love trying on outfits and putting on fashion shows for us while giggling and acting like you think it's so silly when literally everyone can see that you are obnoxiously gorgeous. I love that you have no clue, but also honey - it's okay if you have a little clue. I don't know how to make you see it, I hope it never matters that much - but I am a woman in the same world you live and I also know that it does. So I guess actually, I hope it never matters more than anything else. You are so incredible in so many ways that have nothing to do with your beautiful face, please Lord how I pray that you will always know that. 

You are our serial cereal snacker as you sneak bowl after bowl of cereal throughout the day. You are our best eater in terms of trying new things and we've made it to the point that the food that Dad and I could normally eat without any kids trying to steal our food (brussels sprouts, shrimp, hummus, etc), you will show up asking to join us and sit and chat too. You ask about our days, you are thoughtful in your actions, and genuinely want to learn how to be more helpful around the house (learning about farm chores, ironing, cleaning, etc) You are a homebody and love when we don't have any practices or games because coming home to play or just chill with your family suits you just fine. 

You like looking up hairstyles to try and I know you are secretly putting mascara on every morning before school (child, why do you think I'm dumb?) You finished 18 weeks of vision therapy to graduate (!) and Dad and I are so proud of you for all your hard work to get through sessions and homework. We've noticed a big improvement in your own confidence in yourself and you are now doing homework with almost no help from us, unless you are really confused. That's a huge change and I am so excited for you that you have so many strategies to lean into when you need it. 

You are a three sport athlete; cheer, basketball, and soccer. You love playing basketball best of all and play up with the fifth and sixth graders which pushes you to work hard enough to earn your spot. You are physically stronger than a lot of girls at your age and you say that you love being tall (you are 3rd tallest in your class and only about 4 inches shorter than me now!) but never want to be "skinny." Oh my darling, how much I love that you appreciate your body and it's strength. Yas, Queen. 

You are a friend to all but not really best best friends with anyone. Your best friends change depending on the sport season and I kind of love that. You do have a special friend who is a boy and even though you technically aren't "allowed" to have a boyfriend until you're 14 (because that's when I started dating and also what's actually the point of boyfriends/girlfriends before then?) you and this one boy are very good friends and so supportive of one other - truly. You talk and aren't weirdos around each other like most boy/girl friendships at this age and it makes me so grateful to know you two have this special bond. Maybe forever, maybe just for now - but I do know that it is very important and meaningful to you in this moment and I am so grateful to hear about every tiny detail. Please always know I will love to hear about the butterflies, and smiles, and inside squeals of all the things lovey-dovey-gooshy-mooshy because I am a romantic and girrrrrrlllll, don't even play.

We are very, very, almost scary similar Gemma; you and I. At least once a day, Dad says, "Do you know who that is?" after you do something and the answer he means is me. Your aunt Uch asked me the other week, "So how is it for you to be raising your exact self?" It is partially great to feel so connected to your feelings and reactions; sometimes it feels like I'm just watching old videos of myself at your age.

 

But my darling, hear and know this: you are not me. 

You are you. 

And I don't want you to think you need to be me; that you need to do anything I did, or dream my dreams, or follow in my footsteps at all. I see so much of me in you, but you know what else I see - someone better than me. 

Like by a lot. 

So don't do what I did because you think we are the same. You do what is in your heart - because sweetheart, you are incredible. I can't wait to see all the ways you are going to be exactly YOU and crush it.

Ro, I am so so proud of you. 

I know the road does not come easily for you but you put on the best freaking front I've ever seen. No one knows that you struggle, or work so darn hard, or sometimes just want to be a ten year old and not the example of behavior that literally every adult that interacts with you expects you to be so that all your peers will have a role model to emulate. 

but babe, I know. 

you have a soft place to land, here at home.

in my arms. 

it's hard to be the example. 

but we also all need you to be one too. 

and you can handle it. 

you are so talented at inspiring others

and pulling them up 

it's astounding.

I cannot believe I get to be your mom.

My darling Gemmi Ro, 

who has always been trying to grow too fast -

even when you were a tiny 10 month old walking all around our house

I do not care at all how much taller you get than me, 

I do not care how beautiful you continue to become

I do not care how sassy these next few years might make you

I do not care how weird, dumb, awkward, or sus you might think I am

I do not care how mature everyone else knows you are

I do not care how grown you think you are. 

You are my baby. 

still and always my baby.

forever and ever. 

i love you gemmi rose, 

momma