it all still counts

I have a tendency to be very self critical.
it's my own voice in my head, but she's mean and she knows how to play dirty

'you should be in better shape she says.'
'those clean clothes have been in that hamper for three days'
'seriously? frozen pizza for dinner again?'
'do we have to be late for everything always?'

the point is, she's not nice. and she makes me feel bad about myself.
and I would bet that I'm not the only one that has that voice whispering terrible little nothings

but today as I was bringing the dogs back home from a quick walk
fueled up by the crisp, clean winter air
i told that voice to be quiet.
because sometimes days are hard
I told her - I reminded me -
sometimes whole seasons of life are hard
sometimes you can just do what you can do
and that's okay

maybe someday I'll feel like I have it together
maybe someday we'll have a better bedtime routine
maybe someday we won't be late to everything always
maybe someday i'll dedicate consistent time for myself to write and exercise and take a bath
but that day does not appear to be today.
probably not tomorrow;
or likely not for this season of my life.
because we have these small humans with so many needs
and i have my students, also, with so many needs.
and this handsome, kind husband who reacts to that mean voice in my head with exasperated pleading, "babe why are you like this? I wish you could see you like I see you."

and all of this 'not quite who i want to be' version of me;
the one i am today;
who could definitely be better
but is also doing the best she got with what she got right now.
she's okay.
she's not perfect,
this life is not perfect,
not even close by a long shot
but it counts.
it is my life right now.
and there are small dazzling little moments of perfect
like when I caught that glimpse of our windows lit up from the path today
and my veins were flooded with the meaning and the feeling of four precious letters: home

wherever you are right now;
maybe on the right track,
maybe you've 'made it'
maybe you're not even in the same zipcode of where you think you should be
maybe it's currently unrecognizable
maybe all we can do right now is what we can do this one day.
one foot in front of the other
just do what you can do.
and that's okay.
wherever you are right now,
know that this counts too.