the real deal

yesterday afternoon, the kids were jumping on the trampoline and the sun was setting behind them and it was just too perfect of a photo to not capture it.

but if you knew the truth, i was so so frustrated and just plain mad when i was taking this.  it was just such a hard day, and i had straight up indignation sloshing about in my insides when i took this idyllic photo in time.

so many times when i talk to people (in both real life and through the internet) they confess that they think everything in my life seems so perfect and easy. i believe it's mostly because i have a tendency to try to (borrowing Jack Johnson lyrics) 'take the picture from the pretty side' to remind myself that above all else, i have nearly everything to be grateful for.

but when people, other moms especially, say things like that - it can be frustrating and overwhelming because, I can assure you a thousand times over...it ain't.  every.single.day i reproach myself at one point (or twenty points), "why are you not better at this?!" "this" being a multitude of things ranging from being a mom, to reacting to disappointment, to tackling mess and clutter.

usually days are sprinkled with hard things but mostly seems fairly ordinary with the little magical moments of gratitude that keep my head above water.

but yesterday, no.
it was the fight with my husband followed by uncontrollable hormonal cryfest before he left for work and then the clutter (dear God, the clutter ev.ery.where.i.look.), and the 27 week pregnant belly in my way and makes nearly every activity uncomfortable, and my inability to ask for help, and the vaccine that made my arm muscle so weak and sort of numb, and the four year old who threw a stage5 meltdown at gymnastics after i had a stare down with trixie, our dog, to come in the house so i could load all three kids up in carseats to get them there while the whole of the gymnastics parents watched (or at least it sure feels like that, doesn't it? everyone's watching and waiting to see how your parenting unfolds during public tantrums) and our one year old literally ran out onto the floor and commandeered the gymnastics equipment.  and the dogs got in a fight with each other after barking for thirty minutes at the quad riders in the woods behind the house that i had to break up by throwing rocks at them (honestly, yesterday, sweet Lord.) and the baby wanted held all day, and our five year old talks in a megaphone voice constantly, and i was tired and pregnant and constipated and yet also so hungry, and i had kind of a runny nose which the sneezing only led to peeing my pants a little every single time, and the entire time my inner voice rolls her eyes at me and shouts, "YOU know other people have REAL problems, tabitha!" which instead of making me feel better and grateful makes me feel worse because it's like, seriously "why am i so sad and mad about things that are dumb when my life is beautiful?! i'm the worst."

for reals, you guys.

and i know some of my amazing friends and family are reading this right now calculating in their minds the ways they can reach out to me with kindness and help -and because you have that autoreflex of taking a moment of pause alone: please know that is why we are friends and why i hold you so close to my heart and in my life.

honestly this post is in no way meant to be some kind of cry for help.

me writing this is just a way to get all of this out so that it stops stirring about in my guts and bringing me down, man.  because today isn't nearly like yesterday, but all that yuck is lingering and i need to shed it out of me little by little (warm bath, reading, being outside, and tackling to do list items has each already contributed to combating the blues!)

and this post is also to tell whoever else out there who might be feeling sad and mad but also battling that incredible guilt that comes with holding gratitude in your heart for a beautiful life that really has nothing to be sad and mad about: me too.

so much, me too.

ps. seriously! don't text me or call me or send me food! i love you solely for reading this post and long distance high-fiving me because you too sometimes.

xxxox