The five year plan, Part III

Impossibly and miraculously, I have made it past another five year mark in writing on the blog and it's time to revisit and revise the good 'ole five year plan.

Previous five year posts - gosh how I loved going back to hear my own voice in those posts captured right at that time in our lives. Seems like a different world but also certainly not five years ago - how time passes will never make sense to me. 

The five year plan: 2020
The five year plan: 2012

When I was 36 in 2020, I sent out these hopes for me and here's how they've shaken out: 

• you will not have moved but found a way to make this home and space more of what you want - yes! updated the living room, found private spaces for the biggest kids, re-did the basement into a den, added a basketball court outside! All projects I never could have even anticipated wanting or needing five years ago. 
• you will have more farm animals (goats? sheep? ducks?) - yes! currently at 6 goats, 30 chickens, 2 kittens, our 16 year old dog Bullet, and our guardian dog Osa! 
• you will WRITE THE DAMN BOOK - technically no, but theoretically yes....hahhaa, I am currently in the works of something on this! 
• you will have taken some/all children on a volunteering trip - no not officially but we do all volunteer regularly in our school communities all year long and we started taking proper family vacations again - both things that are important to me. 
• you will still be teaching - yes! in a new school!
• you will have stuck to your guns on the no cell phone until 8th grade rule - a little adjusted because motherhood is nothing if not being flexible. Our rule is phones at 13 and social media at 8th grade.
• you will still be making Family Yearbooks - yes!!

Content, optimistic, tired but hopeful Tabitha of 36 on the brink of having your fifth baby in the middle of a global pandemic. My darling, you will be surprised to find out that in the last five years, these things have happened: 

• You have six kids!! Five years ago, you were just about to have your fifth baby via c-section during Covid-19 lockdown with full intentions of being done. And then when that fifth baby was five months old you found out you were pregnant with number 6! A half dozen! It was clear that the wish on a star you made when you were 7 years old telling everyone you would grow up to have six kids really came true! 
• You took a year off of teaching to stay home with the three youngest and got to nanny your first nephew that year too. What a blessing it was to work for a school district, principal, and superintendent who gave you that gift. 
• You are an aunt to three nephews! Your baby sister Uch had three boys in three years and they are the sweetest squishems ever. Being an aunt is one of the greatest joys on Earth.
• Bullet is still alive at 16 years old! 
• You and Brandon both moved schools (no longer in the same district); it took some adjustments but B is with the kids at school and you have learned how to manage work-life boundaries and that feels like a step in the right direction.
• You teach elementary school students in the morning and high school students in the afternoon at your new school which means every day is a fast speed blur and you know about 500 students' names across the district (a much bigger school). But you feel proud of your financial contribution to our family, you love working in a department of two with your new Spanish teacher partner, you get to work with your dear friend Loni, and you've grown as a teacher and a person who knows their value. (proud of us). 
• Brandon is the Varsity football coach at Conemaugh Township and football season has become a family event! Three family members on the sidelines every Friday night and the rest of our crew and extended family and friends in the bleachers rooting for the team. (all your Tami Taylor dreams come true!)
• We got the driveway fixed with millings and you can barely remember now how bad it used to be!
• We have made changes to our home that match our growing family: paved a half basketball court behind the house, renovated the inner garage to be another tv room, converted the room near the attic door to be a tiny bedroom for our teen daughter, and bought a huge sectional couch for the living room that fits all of us! There are still a lot of projects and dreams that we have, but it feels like our home is growing up with us.
• You still have that pink carpet upstairs and the tile in the kitchen that you hate (LOL)
• You navigate the grief of losing your mother-in-law (over a year ago now, but still finding your footing regularly because grief is like that). You try to guide and support your husband, kids, and father-in-law through it as best and intentionally as possible and received so much patience, love, and support from family and friends. (miss you everyday, Gigi). 
• We said goodbye to our pitbull Trixie (13 years), all of Brandon's fish (we don't even have a tank up anymore!), a kitty Dwayne, and two guinea pigs Toffee and Queen Barb
• We started to raise goats and lots of chickens, we even have a guardian dog Osa who lives with the goats full time. We went through a breeding season of goats (what a stressful stage that was of being a goat grandma!) and we have learned a lot about animals (medicines, pregnancy and birth, wing clippings, castrations, midnight rescue missions, freezing temperatures, heat advisories, predators, electric fences, and stool samples!) We have loved and lost many farm animals in five years- What a lesson in life and loss and love we have earned from hobby farming. Who knew we were these people? 
• We have a 12 passenger van (Lucille the Studermobile) and Jillian the Honda Pilot, and we still have Ron Burgundy the Ford Truck. It was oddly sad to say goodbye to Sheila (our first van) and you even got a little choked up as we drove away from her on the lot. 
• You have a sourdough starter and her name is Celebrina. You feel proud to have it and make things from it but also kind of hate the effort it takes to maintain it. You definitely do not need one more thing to take care of but also get joy and pride from it so its worth it. A perfect example of you still trying to figure yourself out. 
• You are straddling a great canyon of parenting right now; a span from raising teenagers to raising a 4 year old and many ages in between. What a vast stretch of your body, mind, and heart it is. Trying to delicately balance the scale of raising big kids with big problems and little kids with little problems and the beautiful blur in the middle of independent young kids. In your wildest dreams you could not have imagined what a challenging yet incredible gift it is to be in the thick of parenting all these stages at one time.
• Grey is fifteen and half a foot taller than you and you play a game called "I bet he can't eat all this" while you try to give him two bagel breakfast sandwiches each with three eggs, meat, and cheese (spoiler alert: he eats them both and then eats a protein breakfast bar afterwards). He plays football, basketball, and baseball but still loves fishing and hunting the most. He is artistic too though and plays with his younger siblings and daydreams about driving a car and can concoct a delicious wing sauce.
• Gem is thirteen and 4 inches taller than you and reminds you so much of being a teenage girl it is disorientating almost daily. She plays soccer and basketball and is an assistant trainer on the football sidelines. She is president of jr high student council and takes photos for the yearbook and loves to fall deeply into rom com movies and tv series. Her heart is still wide open and she is empathetic to a degree that it is self-sabotaging. 
• Violet is ten and a half and though she be tiny, she is mighty. She and I have opposite personalities which makes for both fun and frustration for both of us. She cheers and plays basketball and soccer. She also is in elementary student council, on the scrabble team, and plays the flute. Her creativity and artist's heart has her wrapped up in projects and ideas (and messes) every day. But competitiveness is truly her driving force and she is determined to be the 'best' or the 'most' in all aspects of her life.
• Rusty is nine and a friend to literally everyone - everywhere we go people are calling out to him to say hello or to play. He is an incredibly patient big brother and an easygoing little brother. This year he played football, soccer, and competitive swim. Last year he also tried wrestling, next year he wants to try basketball and baseball. He is very athletic and strong - so I know he'll succeed in anything he tries if only he could get over the fact that all of the sports require practice (the part he dislikes the most - he just wants to play and have fun!) 
• Reddy is five and equal mixes of his big brothers with a heaping scoop of just him in there. He has the most contagious laugh and can get all of us going just by laughing himself. He played soccer this year and became absolutely obsessed with fishing. It has been so sweet to see him learn more about himself; figuring out how he is like the men and boys in his life (his dad, grandpas, his brothers, all his brothers' friends, the football players on Daddy's team) and who he is himself. He is still a little bit of a momma's boy and I will take it for as long as I can get it. 
• Olive is four and like a sparkler come to life. She is sassy and hilarious and so smart is it shocking. She loves dancing, lip synching, playing babies, and bossing everyone around. She played soccer this year and cannot wait for the moment that she can be a real cheerleader (she pretend cheers at all her big sibling's games). If ever there was a child who was meant to be the baby of the family, it is Loopy - she handles it with so much spirit, smiles, and sass. 
• You and B are solid with 25 years of love and learning between you (16 years of marriage). Every year brings its own challenges and obstacles to learn and grow through; to figure out how to talk and hug and kiss our way to the other side of money worries, parenting, job challenges, relationships with friends and family, and maintaining a home and farm. He is truly your best friend and most days the only person you even want to talk to about anything real. The hard parts will never cease as we move through life, but what a deep sighed relief it is to know at the end of each day you get to climb into bed and lay on his chest and rest in the safety of his arms.

36 year old Tabitha, 

Girl, I love ya. Thank you for being and doing all the things you did then - never getting settled in comfort and always trying to move towards the version of you that you see out there in 50 years from now. You were young and hopeful and more lighthearted then. I wish I could sit down with you and listen to you chatter on and on and steal some of that energy and optimism you have. I would love to give you a hug and let you know that you are on the right path and out here with all the kids ranging in an 11 year span is hard but mostly so fun and full of life. You are going to love it out here, keep going girl! 

46 year old Tab, 

Five years seems  like no time at all in my time - but you and I both know that our time does not match the speed of our kids' time. What do we care if we are 46? but if I'm 46 that means that we have a kid who has graduated high school and that seems impossible. I want to give you a hug out there - how are we doing? actually. Do you miss the snuggles of the little ones (because I can still scoop them up and shower them with a million kisses and they just giggle). Does your body feel like it belongs to you more than it does to them; less holding and carrying and being a lap to sit on? Do you ache for the slow mornings when you wake up before everyone else and you know that everyone is under your roof asleep in peace? Are you still performing magic out there at Christmas and lost teeth? Do the kids still tell you their dreams in rambling stories over cereal at breakfast? I'm back here holding on to that for as long as I can for us.

If I'm being honest though, I can already feel the chill in the breeze coming from the open door out there of the future of motherhood; kids grown and moving on and even youngest kids that are heading towards double digits. But I know there is more good coming too; good I can't even imagine. Do you still have a missing sock pile? What have you done with all the spaces that used to hold baby dolls and board books? Do you still have gogurt in the fridge? Do you wake up rested because you didn't have a kid's foot in your neck from kids who want to sleep in your bed? 

It's so good right now at 41 with all six kids under our roof (aged 15-4!) I wish you could come back here for a day and see how it is again to have everyone at home together. There are struggles (everything is broken, everyone is hungry, everyone wants to do all the things) - but every seat at the kitchen table is full, and it is mostly days filled with silly and funny and always a pop-up dance party. Best of all, I am still homebase for every single person in this family. 

I don't know what it will be like out there - both in motherhood and in life? I'm old enough now to see that life can knock you on your ass pretty quick and you have to relearn how to walk again as a person while also navigating your children through it as a Mom. I can't begin to imagine what's going on out there for you but I trust you and I know you are figuring it out and learning and trying to see and be the good.
You got this - I believe in you and I'm cheering for you.
Cheering for us.
Cheering for the kids wherever they are in life too. 

In five years, Tab - I wish for these things to be true for us: 

• the house is more organized and you have less stuff
• everyone in the family has a passport that has been used at least once
• you and B have renewed your vows and the kids were a part of it
• your writing is out there in the world and you feel proud of you
• you feel strong and capable in your own body

Around Here Week 25: 06/15 - 21

 A glimpse into what it is like to live in our home just this moment. 

photo cred: Kitty

photo cred: Kitty

photo cred: Becky C

when you scheduled the first offseason football practice but it's torrential rain

photo cred: Eva M

selfie cred: Gem

Intentional Outdoor Hours: 230+ hours (of 1000)
Great weather for walking most days although we did get two major downpours! The kids and I took a walk up the back way past the water tower to "the forest." We found a good swinging vine and they had fun testing it out (only a couple scrapes from thorn bushes below). We took Osa with us too so she could get some non-goat attention (hah). I also got some hours mowing and I figured out how to hang up the hammock on the back porch despite the rain spout - so now we're all happy about that. Reddy was in it the other day and called me out and wanted to talk about ants (he was watching them in the rock bed). 

Reading Good Material by Dolly Alderton. It is so well written and I am really enjoying it.

Listening to nothing because I need a little break from disassociation. LOL 

Haircuts for the boys on Father's Day! Thank you Lamont from Ambitious Cuts for always making my fellas look so good! 

Father's day at the Que which is becoming an annual tradition. I booked the camping site over near the dock and we set up with canopies and a hammock. Grey and Brandon loaded up the rowboat and the kayak so they could fish. I brought sandwich rolls and deli meats and cheese for Build-your-own-sub-sammies and we had lots of other yummy snackies too. It was kind of an overcast day, but the little kids still were happy to go swimming anyway. B did his annual #studerkidshoponpop photo and we celebrated the dads we love so dearly: Chum, Pappy, Uncle Kev, and Dadda. Happy father's day to all you daddas out there raising up kiddos with love and grace. 

Relishing my quiet mornings. My favorite part of the day is with my coffee and planner. With no-bedtime-summer in full swing over here - the kids sleep until 9a (Grey is at Strength & Conditioning until then) so from 6a until 9a I have peace to just do the little things that make me feel like the day is starting off right. Coffee, planner, starting chores (laundry/dishwasher/farm/breakfast). 

Summer food pick up program at the school. I am very grateful that our school is participating in the Student Summer feeding program that is organized by the state of PA (thank you!) Each Tuesday in the summer months, we can stop by our elementary school and pick up our food. 5 breakfast items, 5 lunch items, and a half gallon of milk PER KID (0-18yrs old). It's definitely enough to support constantly hungry summer time kids which is so appreciated in my heart and in our grocery bill wallet. Uncrustables, apples, muffins, and frozen mini pizzas are always the first thing eaten when we get home. You can check if your PA school district participates in the link above!

Time with friends and family! The little kids and I had the longest game of Uno ever where we had a fine balance of laughing and also being super competitive (always a challenge for us Studers). Violet had a birthday sleepover at Bria's house for her birthday party. Most of the kids and I took a little afternoon swim at Peyton's house. Gemma got dressed up and went out to dinner with Chum and Abba. Grey went out to post-lifting breakfast at Denny's with some of the football guys and also went fishing with his friends one afternoon. 

Cleaning out the freezer because of a leak. Something must have leaked from the pipes and then froze in the bottom part of the freezer and then melted because the fridge/freezer keeps leaking all over the floor. So I pulled everything out of the freezer which was actually helpful to go through and inventory everything that was in there. Then I ice-chipped underneath the bottom shelf (only sustained one injury, hah) and got everything wiped down and put back in a little more organized. A big, annoying job but glad it was done. Fingers crossed it holds up. 

Black snake situation. Second black snake we've seen around our house (or is it just the same one but moved? unlikely). We had one down near the garage in the retaining wall earlier in the week and then one on the back porch! I didn't even notice the one on the porch, Olive just said - "is that a pretend snake?" and it took me a minute to even look at what she was pointing at because I thought she was kidding. Thank goodness the solar panel guy was there to help us get it picked up and put way out in the weeds (hahha - he wasn't expecting that kind of fun at his visit today I'm sure). Black snakes are dangerous to us and they eat mice and keep other snakes away - but still nobody wants snakes this close to their house! 

Clearing out the bushes at the turn in the driveway which has been on my to do list for two years! Pappy came over to help B get everything chopped way back and we finally have clear sight lines through there!

Scary moment at Pappy's pool when Olive fell in the deep end. She pushed Rusty in playfully and then got caught in the wind behind him. Gemma watched it happened and shouted, "Olive fell in the pool" while immediately standing up. By the time I looked over, she and Brandon were both jumping in the pool (fully clothed with shoes on) and scooping her out of the water. Olive was actually sort of treading water with her face out (yay for kind of swimming!) It was scary but also a little hopeful that she knew how to kick her limbs to stay afloat. Everyone's clothes went into the dryer for a half hour so that we could attend Hannah & Eric's rehearsal dinner that night! 

Celebrating Hannah & Eric at their wedding. Reddy was the ring bearer (Ms Hannah is his godmother) and I was honored to do the readings at church. Red and I went to rehearsal on Friday night and then we all went to the rehearsal dinner at her parents' house that night (after the Olive pool rescue!) On Saturday, everyone was up and ready on time to get to the church. Ms Hannah was beautiful and all the bridesmaids and groomsmen were so sweet with Red, hyping him up before his walk down the aisle. Reddy did an awesome job as ring bearer and all went well with my readings. It was a perfect ceremony. We had appetizers at The Fifth in between the ceremony and reception and then danced our hearts out at the reception. Decorations were gorgeous (always a job well done by Little Details by Reese) and we had a blast in the photo booth. We love you Ms Hannah and we were honored to be part of your special day! (now we can't wait to hug and kiss that new baby in a few weeks!!)

The news has me very stressed. Gaza, ICE kidnappings, Iran it feels like a near constant onslaught of one awful thing after another. I am trying to stay aware while also maintaining my own peace and joy (which is in it own form of protest). Mommas, I am trying to raise people that will grow up and do better. We must take better care of one another; we must be able to look across the way and see humanity in each others' eyes. We are all on this one planet together; all people, all animals, all plants, all things we find beautiful and awe-inducing. We have each other, that's it and we are doing a shit job of having each other right now and it is breaking my heart every moment. 

Sporting with just the big kids. Gemma had one summer league basketball game and her last 14u AYSO soccer game to close out the season. She attended strength & conditioning MWF in the afternoon sessions. Grey is still dedicated to strength & conditioning and attended four AM sessions this week (7a-9a). He also had one Colt city league baseball game, one football practice, and three summer league basketball games. He left for team basketball camp at Juniata College on Friday morning until Sunday too. Coach Daddy was happy to get the boys back on the field with the first offseason football practice to get ready for the first 7v7 next week. It was pouring rain an hour before practice, but thankfully the skies cleared up and they got the practice in! 

Making baked deli pockets, taco pasta,  Korean beef with rice and green beans, copycat Olive Garden chicken pasta, For breakfast I made confetti muffins and we had a big breakfast with eggs and bacon and bagels for father's day. I made a quadruple batch of cowboy cookies (4 dozen for home and 4 dozen for Wednesday weight-room reward from Coach's wife, lol). The amount of baking I do is directly correlated to my anxiety levels...so that might be telling you something. 

Celebrina stuff: a loaf of discard sandwich bread and it was very good and all the kids like it (thank goodness! I've been waiting for a unanimous win!) 

Keto favs: roasted green beans with shredded parm, apple chicken sausage with cabbage, and baked salmon with mayo & parm on top

Miles Walked: 5