The gifts of an isolated day

I wake up to a quiet house with sunlight peeking through the curtains in our bedroom. A quick kiss to my bearded, sleepy husband's cheek as he rolls over to say good morning with his eyes still closed knowing full well that he isn't due to get up for at least another hour. I pad down the steps to see all four kids strewn about the living room tangled up in blankets and pillows after another consistent night of 'kid campout' while watching Netflix until who knows what time last night. The solace that fills my heart as I start the coffeepot knowing that every person in our family is right here in this house, under this roof, sleeping soundly is all my mother's heart can dream of.

I am still teaching, so I sip hot coffee while getting my google classroom announcements and assignments set up for the day; so grateful to still have any kind of contact with my students during this strange and scary time. I think of them at home bored, confused, worried and I wish I could see their faces and bring normal routine to their days - but at least for this tiny bit of connection despite distance. I start breakfast as my own kids stretch and yawn and lazily walk around in wrinkled jammies and bedhead. We get to start slow and kiss Daddy goodbye for his three hour modified work day.

we pull the homework cart into the kitchen and do some worksheets and the big kids help the little kids with cutting and everyone wants to show their work and Grey likes best to make worksheets for me that he can correct which is like homework backwards but still practicing he if he doesn't realize it. Gem likes to finish her school work with a read aloud to the babies while they sit on the floor and she can pause to ask comprehension questions and try out different voices for her characters.

We play outside a lot, breathing in fresh air and getting muddy shoes that track marks all through the house. Violet has adopted three pet worms that live in a tupperware container in our dining room that we feed vegetable scraps to as a makeshift mini compost bin. Rusty finds sticks that look like swords or shovels, Gemma brings the Alexa outside to dance and ride her hoverboard, and Grey moves his trailcam or takes his BB gun to the woods, or begs the other kids to play tackling games on the trampoline. We build fires in the firepit and carry around water bottles and share shoes, coats, hats, and snacks. It is a slow paced kind of life that stretches on and on. We break it up with lunch all together and then all pitch in to clean up the house a little bit before Dad gets home.

The kids are getting so much quality time with their Dad. He's always been a more kind of Dad; more silly, more fun, more relaxed, more hugs, more patience. But in normal life, he logs a lot of time with our biggest boy because of sports, outdoor hobbies, and ease of mobility. But now everyone is getting so much Daddy and if he wasn't already the favorite parent (he was), he is legendary at this point. Strong enough to lift a car said Rusty, Can fix anything broken said Violet, Can take a joke said Gemma and Greyson.

I answer emails and student questions, work through normal household chores, and even though I can't say that I'm ahead of laundry - it does feel like I'm on pace with laundry which is a practical miracle in itself. When I can feel the worries creeping in about those we love, and how and when this baby brother will be born, and what the rest of the school year will look like, and when anything might return to what normal used to look like - I find myself itching to bake and make something that will fill my family's bellies with sweetness and delight. It's more mess, but it makes me feel connected to my grandma who raised five kids. Planning out our meals, being creative with leftovers and what we have in the pantry, and making real food gives me a sense of control; no matter how false or small, it gives me something to hold on to while everything else spins around our home on this mountaintop.

We've been getting a rare, honest look into our kids. Life moves so fast and there is always so much to do that most days I collapse into bed going over which kid I held or looked into their eyes or asked a real question to about their days. And now, I feel like everyday holds little pockets of seeing our kids, really seeing and hearing and touching them. They are relieved and walk with a lightness, not just because it feels like one long string of playing hooky - but because there's no nothing to do for them and almost for their parents either. We are here and present and not distracted. We have no practices or games to rush to, no homework or studying that needs done by tomorrow that we forgot until the last minute, no rush through the weekend to try to make up chores that never got done during the week because we were too tired after work and activities.

I find kids napping in odd places and at odd times, I pick up socks from everywhere, there are knocks on the bathroom door while I'm in the shower, we put puzzles together and color and play board games. we remind about talking with our mouth full of food, and leaving dirty dishes all over the house, and putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Kids of all sizes squeeze in next to us on chairs and couches, the walk by with a rub of my belly and their baby brother. I ask Alexa to turn down the volume about 30 times a day.

Dinner is with everyone at the table, lots of times with kid hands helping to prepare. It is loud and it is messy. The kids almost always finish first which means Brandon and I get graced with a dinnertime show that has Alexa blasting music (I Feel Good by James Brown, and Roll On Big Mamma by Joe Stampley are the current favorites) and all four kids doing crazy dance moves or chasing each other around the circle of the house.

The kids bring down their sleeping supplies and stake out their spots in the living room. As they settle in for movies and sleep. Sometimes Brandon and I watch with them for a little. Most times Rusty finds his way up to our room to ask for 'someping to eat wike toast?' Each night, my pregnancy insomnia finds me downstairs in search of Tums and a drink of water and tucking little toes under blankets, turning off the tv that is still on despite everyone asleep, and pushing hair out of their faces that still resemble baby cheeks from years gone by too fast.

And then I'm back in bed, snuggled in close to this boy I've loved for so long with the knowledge that tomorrow will be clear of places to go and commitments to keep. It will just be these little people that need us to kiss booboos and refill cups and remind them to brush their teeth. Another day that stretches before us as far as the horizon.

It's life in a bubble here in our house filled with mess and sounds and giggles and tears and snuggles. It feels like a snapshot in time and I don't know how long we will get to live in this suspended life, but what a gift it is to my mother's heart to have all my children under this one roof within my reach and earshot. I get to spend my days listening to their whispers and giggles and answering questions that surprise me. It's all the things I love most about being a mom in a slow as molasses kind of a way.

by no means can I pretend this it is not an overwhelming and frightening time.
I understand how dire it has to be for this kind of upheaval to standard operating procedure of life. How unsure everything feels right now.
And yet, little blessings abound
and I am so grateful to get this opportunity to live it right now with this man, and these kids as we navigate it together.

I can already feel that someday we will look back on this time and remember how we all were trapped together on this mountaintop while the world fell to pieces
but it didn't feel like a trap
and the world found a way to take all the pieces
and make an even more beautiful mosaic of itself

---
this post title was inspired by one of my favorite momma books: The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison which I would always recommend. 

gratitude in the time of pandemic

There are plenty of things that are unclear in the world right now. I am currently at home after all PA schools were closed on Friday with our four kids and this 36 week pregnant belly. We are working on a very loose schedule for the morning and afternoon hours while I stay in contact with my students who are working virtually during this break. Our normally busy schedule has been wiped clear and if we are being as practical as possible - it's been an adjustment to this 'new normal' over the past few days if nothing else. 

My biggest concern of all is about the birth of this new baby brother. As the reports are coming in, it sounds as though the hospitals will be hit hardest right at the time this baby is supposed to be born which has me whiplashing through feelings that I hope he's born as soon as possible to get ahead of that surge and oppositely hoping he stays in there and isn't born until the end of April (past my due date) so he's as healthy and fat as possible to enter this world. 

--

But we are doing our best to do our part. We are staying at home and hunkering down. Brandon has been our gopher since he is still working (on a modified schedule). We stocked up on regular groceries for about a month and we've turned down family and friends for visits and sleepovers (it is heartbreaking to do but necessary to keep those we love safe). We have been strictly following the suggestion for social distancing, "You have to behave like you have the virus." 

At the end of the day, what will help all us through this, is to remember to seek out all the things you can be grateful for right now in this confusing moment. Here are some of the things that are bringing my peace and thankfulness. 

extra hugs and snuggles from little hands

kids sleeping in 

leggings and big tshirts over this 36 week pregnant belly

dirty, tired kids smiles after a day outside in the yard

a forced cleared schedule on our family calendar

hearing the kids tell family, "we are doing homeschool, momma is our teacher"

modified half work days for my husband

students who email, message, and check in and close their message with "hope you are healthy"

no screens until after 3p

navigating this life in limbo with my favorite person as an anchor (i love you, B)

nightly kid campouts in various rooms of the house

time to catch up on home projects that we've been meaning to get to for forever

kicks and wiggles of this new baby brother

my midwife and cousin Meg who has been so patient and gracious answering my questions

Rusty's funny personality that is shining bright these days

Violet's dimples with that mischievous smile

Gemma's momma bear-helpful tendencies coming out strong

Grey's inventiveness to create games and missions to combat boredom

text messages from friends and family

daily phone calls and video chats with family and friends for our long distance socializing time

sibling teamwork and inside jokes

Rusty singing "Red, White, and Blue" after the kids do the pledge before homeschool (their idea, hah!)

free resources from TeacherPayTeachers for the kids' homeschool hour

Gem and Violet delivering our chicken eggs to neighbors with a 'knock, run, & wave from the yard'

healthcare workers

essential business workers 

longer days of sunlight

slower paced days

sending love, patience, and good health wishes to all of you out there. 

find the good. 

be the good. 

xxox

Thank you November

Thank you November for...

Thank you for

• a great school celebration for Día de los muertos where students created and tried new foods while learning about a cultural holiday.
• a make-up trick or treating day to spend time with family and friends collecting sweets from neighbors. 
• A championship win (and undefeated season!) for Coach Daddy and QB Greyson. What a well deserved and hard practiced season by all players and coaches it was!
• Skilled doctors who can find problems and fix them for those we love
• an evaluation for Gemma with a neuropsychologist to see if we can get to the bottom of her struggles in school and ultimately found that although she has challenges in several spots, her overall scores did not point to any diagnosis which is great but also frustrating.
• A veteran's day breakfast and assembly at school that inspires me every year - but this year especially as my sister, Kayla, came to speak to the student body about her time in the National Guard. She did such a powerful job that students still mention and ask about her. I am so proud to be her big sister. (love you, Kitty).
• pregnant-friendly sushi
• a great partner in End-of-Season banquet planning (thanks Becky for all you did and all the calls you made!) The banquet went off beautifully and a good time and full bellies were had by all. The official close of the football and cheerleading season!
• our first Project Lit book club meeting at school with students to discuss Monster by Walter Dean Myers. We had snacks and great discussion and a mix of students from all different kinds of groups and grades. Oh I love books and how they bring people together. (thanks for organizing and encouraging me to do this, Renee! so grateful to work with you). 
• a perfect cozy birthday weekend getaway at Seven Springs to celebrate my dad (Chum) and his 60th birthday. The kids splashed in the hot tub, we took a walk, we all snuggled with Lady, and enjoyed great food and laughs. 
• a successful fundraiser for our Spanish Club and a few really productive prom committee meetings that finalized the raffle fundraiser and confirmed the venue.
• book club with ladies I love at a new-to-me restaurant that was incredible. 
• our two big kids who have been so kind and generous with helping with the chickens each morning (opening and closing the coop and taking down and bringing up the waterer so that it doesn't freeze). 
• a mini road trip for our family to Hershey to see Jurassic World Live and get an afternoon with our Gilmore cousins that always makes us happy.
• the start of basketball season for Grey and the NOT start of basketball season for Coach Daddy (yay!)
• the sweet melodic sound of the fourth grade recorder concert. (hah, but seriously I loved it and Grey was really proud).
• the ultrasound that told us we are having a baby brother! 
• our midwife (and cousin) who is honest and patient with me with news, questions, and updates about our newest babe as we passed the half way mark this month in pregnancy!
• a thanksgiving day with family that filled our bellies and our hearts
• the opening of rifle season (deer season continues!) I'm not particularly thankful for this, but I know my boys are - so my gratitude extends by proxy
• the arrival of our elf Marco and Christmas decorations lighting up our home and all the guilt-free hot chocolates and Christmas 'kissing' movies a girl can dream of

Thank you October

Thank you October for...

• The leaves and that crisp air. Gosh, October, do you ever bring peace to my soul. 
• the opportunity to see that if I let my students take on more responsibility in clubs, they can and with beautiful success which was the case for all planning and designing of our Spanish Club homecoming float. I was so stressed about getting everything together, but the kids took on the challenge and completely took it off my plate. 
• lots of quality time for Brandon and Greyson as archery season opened and I said goodbye to those two until December (end of deer season). At least they are together and both obsessed no matter how much I miss them and how crazy it makes me. 
• the only show that B and I consistently make time to watch returned to tv and gave us an excuse to make time to watch tv together (The Walking Dead...I know, we're like the last still watching but whatever).
• Nine and half years of our Greyson Rudy Booboo's relentless teasing and silliness.
• a productive and validating meeting with Gemma's teachers about her struggles in reading and appointment schedule with the neuropsycologist to see if Dyslexia is at the root of the problem
• The start of our Sunday school season and getting the chance to teach our own Grey for the next two years
• the sound of our sweet baby cinco's heartbeat at my monthly check up
• the day marking eleven years married to my favorite human on this Earth and the day celebrating the birth of that same person - October, no wonder you are my most treasured month of all. 
• a corn maze with friends on a beautiful fall day
• the success of another community event organized by my little sis who makes me so proud
• the end of regular season football and cheerleading season. It is always sad to say goodbye to all the sweet smiles and hugs from my little first and second grade cheerleaders, but also a sigh of relief to get weeknights and weekends off again after a long, busy season.
• a playoff football win for Coach Daddy and Greyson 
• 38 years of marriage to celebrate for my parents!
• Walmart grocery pick up, I love you. 
• Halloween school parties at the kids schools that make them so happy and the homeroom moms and preschool teachers who do all the planning and organizing (I am so grateful for you!)
• a new mattress for our aching backs and the adjustable base that brings so much happiness that it is borderline bizarre.
• canceling on trick-or-treating when the rain and wind was strong and bobbing for apples in our kitchen with the kids instead laughing and cheering each other on. It ended up being the perfect Halloween evening.
• My real life view of my live-like-the-seasons quote (100 small things) for fall "Notice how the trees do not cling to their leaves. Fall is about releasing the old to make way for the new." 

Thank you September

Thank you September for...

• a beautiful, colorful evening at the fair with grandparents and aunts that bring our kids so much joy - we talk about the fair literally all year long; such a simple but impactful childhood memory for our children
• Walmart pick up on Saturday mornings before 8a that makes me feel so efficient and powerful.
• my Spanish Club who has surprised and made me so proud several times this past month. They totally took charge at NS fántico night, painting faces and encouraging spirit while I just sat back and watched and then my officers completely organized our Homecoming float and it has been such a needed reminder that I can delegate and it all gets done and usually beautifully without me having to carry all the burden. love you guys, thank you! 
• a day to remember and honor first responders and that terribly tragic day 19 years ago
• two positive classroom observations that kicked off my first of two semesters of college to get this PA cert wrapped up (finally)! 
• conversations with Gemma's teachers that are moving us forward in a path that will help her be successful and confident in school. And all the incredible resources online (and friends who inspire me) that guide me in my own understanding of dyslexia
• Gigi's port out day! the last stop on this year long journey - she is a warrior!
• the chance to see our healthy little Studerbaby #5 who is growing and doing their thang just fine as our whole life swirls on in chaos. thank you to Meg, my cousin and midwife who is so patient and kind. 
• the healthy birth of our new friend, Tristan
• a fifth birthday for our peanut Vially Mary who brings so much life, love, and joy to our family and a birthday that celebrated her with people who love and appreciate all her artistic, silly quirkiness
• heartfelt, joyful, life-affirming reactions to our baby news - like the minor football team who already so fiercely love and protect Rusty and Violet that they all reacted like they too were getting new younger sibling. Honestly, the sweetest darn thing I've ever witnessed. 
• lots of homemade dinners again and getting back into the swing of meal planning (finally!)
• successful cheer and football seasons that help our kids grow in responsibility, relationships, and patience. 
• delicious dinner and conversation at our Books & Brews book club meeting
• the beautiful pink sunrises and sunsets that come with fall like a consolation prize for losing a little more daylight each day

Thank you August

this is an oak tree behind our house that I am completely in love with

Thank you August for

• another month of lots of outdoor time (over 135 hours!) which fuels my soul & mind with peace
• a family mini vacation to the Poconos that had the kids smiling on amusement park rides, waterslides, and feeding animals; I know they will be memories that they hold on to forever
• the Quemahoming dam and so many wonderful memories there this summer, especially the weekend of tent camping, fire meal cooking, kayaking, and moon lit nights over the lake. 
• my 18 cheerleaders who bubble up with giggles and smiles each week at practices and who are always offering hugs and sweet notes and kind words
• my mumma's birthday and her never-ending persistence to push through challenges; whether it be what life throws at her or 1000 steps trail on an incredibly humid summer evening. Love you mumma. 
• the boys that are our minor football team line men who keep my Quarterback son safe, and who I check in with before the first game of the season to look them in the eyes and say, "keep my baby safe" and who all answer back, "I will." honestly - I love you boys so much. thank you xxo.
• our hammock that provides my favorite reading spot
• a rooster free coop (!) and a husband will do the hard things I ask him to do because it's what is best for our family and pets (sorry and thanks babe!)
• a joyful, overwhelming, beautiful surprise
• a half birthday for our Gemmi Ro who is so helpful, thoughtful, and generous with her kindness, time, and hugs. We are so lucky to be your family Roie. 
• the start of a new school year that will help us all grow and be better
• all my students this year and my class schedule that feels exactly perfect for me (first period prep and ninth lunch!)
• another year on this Earth in a life that I feel so undeserving to get to live but so deeply grateful to have every single day.

thank you July

Thank you July for....

• the soul recharge that comes with over 140 hours of outdoor time logged this month alone!
• a weekend of tent camping with cousins that filled up our souls with fresh air, campfire scents, laughter, and memories. 
• our nation's birthday and sparklers
• the sunrise coming over the mountains and the fog lifting off the water on my two sunrise kayak trips on the Que and again on my early morning run with Loni
• fresh picked blueberries straight from the bush and baked into blueberry muffin bread, sprinkled on top of yogurt as an afternoon snack, or right into our mouths! 
• the two day sleepover at our house with my goddaughter Mallory
• Gemma's confidence that shined out of her as she spent the week rehearsing, dancing, and singing with new friends at her theater camp
• the way Violet smiled and beamed when Gemma taught her the dances and songs from her musical
• the magic of a drive-in movie on a summer night
• the ambition to register for two races this fall; the Que Classic 5K with Greyson and the End of the Road half marathon with Loni
• the 18 miles run on my own two feet this month for half marathon training
• our new hammock and the giggles and snuggles as the kids all take turns laying in with me as I read
• many trips to local spots with the kids, having mini adventures and coming home with sun-tanned cheeks and dirty feet
• friends and family who participated in writing secret emails to help celebrate the 40th wedding anniversary of Gigi and Pappy. How fun it was to surprise them after spending a lazy day at their house with them. (thank you all so much.) 
• the bittersweet ending to our volleyball season with these teammates we love so much. 
• the closing of all-star baseball for Grey; he learned so much and grew a lot in the sport, but it is also a blessing to finish up baseball season that lasted February (pre-season) to the end of July. I love you baseball, but #byefelicia 
• Miss Hannah, our very own Mary Poppins who our children adore and who is always so gracious about coming last minute and helping however we need her (we love you!)
• two family reunions where our kids got to spend the day playing with and talking to extended family who share the bone structure and mannerisms of my grandparents
• two weeks of pet-sitting Violet's bestie Hemelia the hamster and seeing how much joy that little creature brings to Va-vi
• watching Greyson's big brother instincts kicking in as he alternated riding both little kids on his bike spokes on the hiking trail when they were too tired
• visiting my classroom and the start of the back-to-school sensation in my veins that has me excited and inspired like only post-its, sharpies, and a new planner can give me

July, 

you were so bright

with your sun shining and blue sky days

you were also calm and awe-inspiring

with your star shining and ink black sky nights

You stretched out and allowed us to make memories

and bask in the freedom of little responsibilities

My quote to live like the seasons for summer is from John Mayer's' song Wildfire

"Cause a little bit of summer's what the whole year is about" 

and that was you, July. 

thank you for the memories

i love you

tab

Thank you June

Thank you June for...

• the peace and soul healing that comes with over 126 hours of outdoor time in this month alone
• our RustMan's third birthday, who is really coming into his personality and has us all belly laughing every day and feeling like the luckiest people on Earth when we get one of his hugs around the neck
• a month long challenge to try Keto for Brandon and I that had us preparing new recipes, trying new foods, really savoring each bite, and feeling better and more satisfied
• the end of the school year for our two biggest kids who finished up third and first grade 
• the long mornings of quiet that I get thanks to #nobedtimesummer. They've been filled with early morning chores, peaceful cups of coffee, reading on the porch, blogging, family yearbook creating, or organizing in my planner. These long, slow, quiet mornings have soothed my fractured soul more than anything else. 
• the bittersweet end of spring sports for our kiddos that taught them so much and introduced them to new friends
• the deepest breath of gratitude after a very scary moment with Violet in the pool
• a full day picnic at Greenhouse park with our family and friends
• an early morning, tranquil kayak trip with my Dad and little sister in the light rain
• the freedom of summer to be spontaneous in the afternoons with our time
• delicious, fresh, juicy strawberries picked straight from the plant 
• confirming the necessary steps to finalize my PA teaching certification; even if it was not the answer I wanted
• a successful shoulder surgery for my Dad
• a fun and much belated birthday party for our Grey at fishing camp with his buddies and little brother
• inspiring discussion board posts as I read along with other teachers in the Book Love Summer book club
• my new teacher planner already purchased and waiting in my new teacher bag
• our rooster who found his voice this month and crows the day awake each morning
• so many reasons to celebrate: graduation parties, birthdays, a pool party at a friend's house, and Juneteenth
• so many laughs and high fives at our volleyball games with these teammates we love so much, including two of my students who make me so proud each week
• another inspiring quarterly board meeting with You in Flood City
• the start of Grey's all star sanction little league baseball season and an incredible win in their first game after three extra innings at 10p at night. 
• looking out the kitchen window and watching the kids on the trampoline, the dogs enjoying the shade under them, and the chickens strutting all over the backyard 

Thank you May

 Thank you May for...

• another annual much-needed week without screens to unplug and remember what life and living is all about for our whole family
• the opportunity to host our first screen free week kid party at our house that led to a hilarious soap slip 'n slide and lots of tired and squeaky clean children. 
• the joy to chaperone both of the big kids' field trips and spend a whole day with them and their classmates out of the school exploring at the zoo and Camp Sequanota.
• perfect weather for the Rec the Alleghenies Expo that my baby sis works so hard to organize and is so good for our community. 
• a mother's day with lots of love from my own kiddos and hugs for my momma
• a trip to Hershey park with the thrill of riding rollercoasters and the Hershey Drop
• a surprise birthday party for that same baby sis who turned 30 this year and a touching video that hopefully reminded her of how amazing and inspiring she is
• a little sis (kayla) and Kevin who put together the surprise party that was so perfectly Uch. thank you for planning and directing and organizing - you two are hilarious and the best!
• amazing and thoughtful preschool teachers who love our babies during the school day and put on an adorable promotion/graduation program where we got to see Violet say the pledge and dance and sing her heart out.
• a birthday for our Gigi who had a tough year but worked through it like a champion. We all had tears in our eyes while singing Happy Birthday 
• watching my students shine after months of hard work on the stage at their musical
• another prom with my favorite date
• hugging the class of 2019 at graduation and sending all my good thoughts, hopes, and wishes with them; feeling so grateful I got to know and care about them before they go off into the world and do great things
• perfect weather to update our landscaping and our kids who found the patience and energy to help us all day ripping out overgrown bushes and putting down new mulch, there were some tears and complaints - but they helped the whole day and had the dirt and mulch stained hands to prove it
• our first official outdoor meal on the patio; it feels like the real start of summer!
• another last day of school where my students gave hugs, and some thoughtful and sweet gifts, and one incredible piece of artwork accompanied with notes that make every hard teacher day worth it a million times. we all need the summer to recharge and grow and mature - but I am already excited to see my kids again in the fall
• lots of baseball and soccer that make our kids proud, and tired, and motivated

Thank you April

Thank you April for...

• a clear scan for our Gigi who fought and beat Pancreatic cancer. Above all April, you brought us this news and that could have been it and you would have won for the whole year. 

but you also gave us so much more,

• a much deserved and needed fishing trip for b who got to spend several days with his best friend in their favorite element. I beamed at the pictures he texted of his happy, huge smile holding another great catch. What a gift it is share in the joys of someone you love. 
• another fishing season for our whole family; spending the whole youth mentor day at fishing camp watching our kids get dirty, tired, and wet while splashing through the creek and reeling in fish together and with their cousins. 
• a birthday for our Greyson Rudy who turned nine this year! He makes us proud and crazy and we are so very grateful for this silly, funny, thoughtful boy.  While we have a nine year old child that means we also have been parents for nine years now! 
• Lots of sleepovers and fun with friends this month that had us surrounded with people we love and who make us laugh
• another scf happy hour in the books with my sister. There is something so comforting about being with your sisters who finish your sentences and thoughts for you; who can understand without you having to say, and who will accept you no matter what crazy theory, thought, or memory you might throw into the conversation. xxxox scf.
• a beautiful family-filled Easter with extended families on both sides. How incredibly lucky our kids are that we have so many cousins, aunts, and uncles that sometimes they lose track of their names and who goes with who.
• the close of another year of teaching 4th and 5th grade religious education classes at St. Greg/Barnabas. 
• the strength it took to be bold to opt out of standardized testing for our third grader after a lot of research and reflection. So thankful for other moms who have gone before me and offered advice - it can be so hard to swim the other way - but I am so content with our decision. 
• the opportunity to volunteer officially as a Lector at church. It feels satisfying to use my own personal talents to help others in a way that in no way feels like extra work. 
• the extra student time this month at the Spanish club dance (where I learned a new game: Fort Knox) and acting as a Reading competition chaperone at their spring meet. Being with kids outside of school hours really makes for stronger bonds with the students which always spill over positively in the classroom. 
• the view of our #8 on the baseball field again this year at the pitcher's mound and shortstop. He loves the game so much and it is inspiring to see how much sports motivate him in all kinds of ways
• the incredible coach that my husband is; I am so grateful that young kids get to learn from him and see his reactions. He knows that a loss counts too and from losing and making errors is the way you grow and get better. That no matter the call, you keep your head high and your mouth shut and you work harder so that no game will ever come down to a questionable call. I could go on for days, but he amazes me and I am so proud of Coach Daddy.
• soccer season that has us all outside moving and learning. Gemma has grown leaps and bounds in understanding the game and Violet has surprised us all with her little spitfire attitude on the field. I am learning and growing as the U5 coach and keeping my little Mighty Muffin team focused, learning, and having fun too. 
• the arrival of spring; all of our chickens are so happy to be free range everyday, our pups are getting walks in, we are all getting extra hours outside, the trampoline is in full effect, and although our house is filled with mud and grass - the windows are open and the sun is shining in! 

April you came in like a lion 

...and still kind of finished like a lion actually (hah)

but like a lion you were loud and proud and breathtakingly beautiful

you roared to us the news we had all been praying for and holding our breath for

you roared us out of the house and got us moving and really living after a long, slow winter

you were brilliant, April 

I love you. 

Thank you March

Thank you March for...

• beautiful sunsets and sunrises
• a few perfect spring like days with a cool breeze and a sunny sky
• a fun and successful birthday sleepover for our Gemmi Ro
• little winter holiday traditions that our kids enjoy; eating King's Cake and finding the babies for Mardi Gras, setting up our leprechaun trap for St. Patrick's Day, and hanging up our Lenten countdown coloring sheets
• daylight savings time and more light in the evenings
• helping hands from our family who squeeze in and help when we get too busy
• reading two great books suggested by my students and starting #whatseñorastuderisreading on my teacher instagram account
• the opportunity to volunteer with our two biggest kids at our church's fish fry
• the meeting with the sweetest woman from our church who trained me to be a Lector
• lots of chicken eggs and six new sweet baby chicks to add to our brood
• the bittersweet end of a era for our family which has us excited to dream of all the possibilities that can come from one door closing and another one opening.
• Violet Mary's half birthday and her dimples that kill me every darn time
• big mugs of peppermint tea
• the start of our teacher weight loss and step challenge at school which amps up the competition and keeps my motivation to move at a peak level (down another 5.2 lbs this month!)
• My students' honest responses to "I wish my teacher knew..." activity
• the honor of being elected Secretary to a non-profit organization's board and the meeting with incredibly inspiring people who are going to bring about wonderful and impactful change

March, 

you took us down with your merry-go-round of sicknesses

but it seems like maybe that is necessary sometimes. 

nothing can make you immediately prioritize what is important 

like a few sick kids and a fever yourself. 

you realize that almost everything can wait when someone you love needs 

a bucket

or a snuggle

or another nose blowed

or another cup of hot tea or chicken soup

and even through all those belly, body, and head aches, March,

you still gave us plenty to be grateful for. 

thank you. 

Thank you February

thank you February for...

• multiple snow and ice days where our whole family stayed home together finding ways to pass the day without driving each other crazy. We taped down the floor in the living room and taught our kids to play four square, we baked and cooked together, and slid through the yard on our bellies and butts on the ice while giggling nonstop. 
• an amazing Wooly Week with my students that had everyone engaged, singing along, and bringing in Wooly inspired snacks and drawings.
• the close of another CV basketball season (the 6th!) and getting our Coach Daddy back home
• the inspiration from a student athlete that jump started my intentional focus on eating right and getting my steps in that led to 4.4 lbs loss this month
• Fitness Marshall videos on youtube (especially Taki Taki and Me too - the girls' and my favorites!)
• safe travels for my little sister who spent three weeks in Thailand with her very best friend
• a long awaited dream come true in filing some paperwork for my littlest sister 
• that frozen snow glisten from the sunrise in the morning
• our seven (!) year old daughter Gemma Rose's birthday and the staggering realization that years wait for no one, especially mommas.
• a 60th birthday for our Pappy - how lucky and blessed are we and our babies that we have him in our life. 
• learning with relief and joy that a treatment plan was shorter in length that we initially thought
• daydreaming about a fun summer getaway with my parents and the kids in the trees and the rivers (the mountains are calling, and we must go...)
• sweet little valentines scribbled in my kids' handwriting and lots of hugs around the necks and little kissas from sticky fingers and cheeks (the best kinds)

February, you were a blur.

a blustery, blowing, blur of a month. 

it all swirled together and I nearly forgot what even happened.

but then when I combed back through my planner and blogposts, 

I uncovered that you were full of special little moments. 

thank you, February, for bringing our Gemmi's birthday

for reminding us to hug and love those dear to us

and for being wonderful even when we're moving too quickly to notice sometimes

xxox, 

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thank you January

thank you January for...

• three days that were so cold that everything was cancelled and we had no obligations (or guilt!) to leave the house. just our family smooshed together in this messy chaotic house in cozy clothes and snuggled up. 
• the validating interview with a college rep
• a beautiful snowy day at Hidden Valley with Grey, my parents, sister and Kev
• three great books to read
• daydreaming about the future with B
• peppermint tea in the afternoons
• leggings layered under my dress pants every day for school
• cutie oranges that the kids all love and that bring a jolt of vitamins to my lunch
• playing scrabble on our bedroom floor with B (even though I lost, like usual)
• changing plans and giving my Spanish 1 students the challenge of reading their first novel in their second language (they are doing awesome and I am so proud!)
• the tea and mahogany candle in our bedroom
• Rusty trying so hard with the 's' sound (he sucks in air to make it but he's so determined)
• Violet so proud that she signed up for soccer and telling everyone
• Gemma so eager to learn about how to keep the basketball stats at Grey's games #likemomlikedaugher
• the multilayers of blankets and quilts we have on our bed that makes it so cozy its hard to get out of every morning
• watching the whole series of YOU with B on Netflix
• playing 'just dance' on youtube on our tv with the kids to get our winter energy burned

You were blistering cold and dark and mostly gloomy January, but somehow just what I needed to hibernate and re-energize my soul for the new year. 

thank you January

xxo

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the gifts.

While planning for Christmas this year and taking into account Brandon's new job that offer so many incredible perks to our life, it did also come with a significant decrease in pay.  It has been an adjustment in everyday life, but we knew it was going to be important to really make plans to make the holidays work within a budget.

So, we sat down and did some planning.  

I ordered our Christmas cards earlier than ever and with as many coupons as I could scrap together, we pared down our kids' gift list to a financially reasonable (and a they-don't-need-more-crap) amount, we budgeted our lists, shopped online with coupons and early, and tracked each spending closely to make sure we were on target.  But it was clear right from the start that we'd be forgoing presents for ourselves.  

Truthfully, we don't mind all that much because neither of our main love languages is gifts, but it did feel a little funny every time we checked in with each other like, "wait, really don't buy anything for me.  I'm not buying anything for you!" and "but seriously, nothing.  put the money in the white envelope fund!" 

In the end though, we did decide together that Santa would bring one gift for us.  

A letter left under the tree, addressed to Mum & Dad.

The thing is, 

we have so many gifts, 

so many blessings.  

Four healthy, kind kids.  

A comfortable, warm home.  

Family and friends who love, support, and encourage us. 

A Daddy who has more time to be with us.

Who needs gifts under the tree when you have a life like this?

So as we spend our Christmas Day bustling to four different homes today;

homes that throw open their doors and welcome us in with arms outstretched with the smell of delicious food floating in the air, and smiles on everyone's faces...we resolve to keep looking around.

All of today.

and tomorrow.

and all in the new year.

Because, truly, all the gifts we could ever want are already right here in front of us.  

Merriest season to you.  

Look around, friends.

There is so much good.

and so much love.

xxoxo tab

a mother's gratitude

I give thanks for this home that is more often than not disorganized and wrecked and a mess and broken and cluttered.  but also so obviously LIVED in and so obviously LOVED that we are forced to try our best to not let all the disorganized, wrecked, messy, broken, and cluttered parts get us down.

I give thanks for my kids' daddy, who heals any and all of our broken hearts and spirits with a hug,  who administers compliments and kindnesses like a Santa who needs no holiday, who has patience as vast as the sea for every single one of us in this home, and who leaves in the morning to work hard all day and returns each evening with his eyes beaming like a sailor who has returned to land; a Daddy who's favorite place in all the world is right here in our home with us.

I give thanks for this place that I can write and journal and lock away the memories of our life to be read later by me to laugh at how silly or beautiful or wonderful or meaningless or meaningful our tiny moments were all along.  For the friends I've made through this space, for all the support and the moments that made me feel like I wasn't entirely alone or insane in this weird journey of motherhood.  This space that someday, hopefully, our children will stumble upon and realize that their mother was more than just the cleaner-upper, laundry-folding, booboo-kissing, photograph-taking, rule-making, food-cooking blur in their childhoods - but actually like a real person who had thoughts and feelings and a life outside of the prism of Mom (well, only minimally since their arrival into the world, but still true.)

I give thanks for our family who show up without question and usually little notice to make things happen.  Who arrive with smiles and hugs and tool boxes and food and gifts and listening ears and support and a hand outstretched.  Who helped shape our memories as leading characters in the prologue, each and every chapter, and surely in the epilogues of our stories.  Who shrug off our flaws and love us despite (and sometimes because of) them.  Our family who can hear what we are saying before we even know what we are thinking.

I give thanks for our friends who still want to talk to me even though my text reply time is generally a 72 hour minimum.  Our friends who don't miss a beat even if the last time we talked without a child interrupting us has been years.  Friends who double our joys and share the burden of our worries.  Our friends who ask for no apologies, who forgive in spades, and who laugh along with us because life is hilarious and sometimes because the only way to get through it all is to laugh about it with someone you love.

I give thanks for the coffee, and the yoga pants, and clean bed sheets, and meal plans, and dependable wifi, and our van Sheila, and hot showers, and Netflix, and toaster strudel, and DVR, and working appliances, and for all the ingredients for dinner already in the house,  and glasses of wine (or bottles of beer), and scented candles, and cozy blankets.

I give thanks for naptime.

I give thanks for the phone camera roll filled with pictures of up-too-close selfies of flawless skinned faces that send my phone into 'storage almost filled' message alert fits, and the fridge cluttered and full of colorful drawings, paintings, scribbled names, and team pictures.  For our family yearbooks that hold memories of smiles that today's stresses have sadly pushed into the recesses of my mind.

I give thanks for the sweetest feeling in the deepest pit of my soul when little palms are placed on my cheeks with all the lovingkindness a child beholds.  For whispered, "i love you momma," and 'hold you,' For early morning snuggles with slow-to-wake kids that temporarily have forgotten that their 'too big' for snuggles from their momma.

I give thanks for these people who call me mum...they are little now, but someday they will be bigger than me, and though my gratitude list may look different in various ways, this one will remain.

I will never be done giving thanks for being their mum.

my darlings,
to be your mother
will always be
the greatest privilege
of my life.
i love you forever
even when you get so big,
mum




happiest thanksgiving to you are yours.
xxoxo
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the dazzling momentitos

this is going to be obnoxiously optimistic and flowery because i'm feeling so grateful and happy and inspired.  if you were to run into me after two glasses of champagne friends, this is how I talk, so you've been forewarned.  although I haven't had any champagne..and probs should - because life, man.

anyway-

it's been pretty hectic over here with the four kiddos, and greyson back to school and flag football practice/games, and a three month old who is learning so much and so fast, and an almost two year old (gasp!! how?!) and our gemmi ro who has all the drama of a fifteen year old squeezed into a four year old's body, and my part time working, and brandon's full time working....and life, man.

and honestly, it is so busy and plenty confusing and tiring - but so very very fantastic.  I don't know if its the awareness that comes with another birthday (whoot whoot 33!) or the perfect amount of time dipped into the adult world that my new job provides me, or doing something that I love and inspires me so much (teaching), or just life, man...but everything feels so wonderfully chaotic.

Even with our new schedules, it has felt that Brand and I have been rowing in sync along the great river of married life with each other - and if you've been married or together a very long time (going on year 17 for us!) you'll know what I mean and how that feels (and also how it feels rowing slightly out of sync...or when only one person is rowing or no one is rowing, hahha).

As always, there are these dazzling momentitos that remind me so fiercely that this wild, so very messy life that we have is one that is beautiful; so beautiful down to the root of the root and the bud of the bud.

here are some of my current dazzling little moments, just so I can remind myself if/when this elation wears off in the near future.

• Rusty's smile as soon as we make eye contact and his cheeks, and the smell of his head, and that squishy neck of his, and I can still get him into his 3 month footie pajamas but just barely.
• Violet's new favorite phrase, "Holy cow!" and her legs are currently covered top to bottom in washable marker and she painted her own toenails (read full toes) and vasoline in her hair - and she's so much the epitome of a stereotypical toddler these days that it hurts my bones in the best way possible
• Greyson asking for a bigolesnug daily for the past week and how excited he is about football and his friends and first grade and how obvious it is how much of a big kid he is and how that's going to be okay because he's mostly a good kid
• Gemma Ro saying everything is 'impressive' and making the biggest deal over my outfits for teaching like I'm the fanciest person on the planet and how she takes such good care of both violet and rusty and how the smallest gesture of kindness can completely turn her whole attitude around like getting twirled or holding her hand while we walk. 
• Brandon.  so much.
• the fog breaking on the hillside before McNally bridge when the sunrise is beaming through so strong and I literally (not.even.exaggerating) spread my arms wide open and soak up the rays for thirty seconds on my way to work in the morning. 
• green tea in my to go mug on my desk at work glancing over my day's lesson plan before the student's arrive
• the weather recently.  goodness, autumn is everything that's inside my heart.
• slipping into our bed at night with the windows open and the fan running and knowing everyone is in their beds and sleeping soundly 

sometimes I write in my gratitude journal in full caps:  REMEMBER THIS FEELING!! :) :) :) 

true story - once upon a time I responded to an email and the person that recieved my email meant to forward it to a colleague but accidentally pressed reply sending it back to me.  at the top of the email she wrote about me:

She! uses! a lot! of! exclamation! points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not even kidding.
and i just replied to her and said, "I think this was meant for" (the person she addressed it to).

no harm, no foul - because the thing was, she hadn't met me in person yet, so she didn't know that:  My regular voice is generally in exclamation points!

you gotta embrace your flaws friends.  hold tight to the circus that is your life.
because at the end of the day, it's YOUR circus in all its bold, beautiful dazzling momentitos of weirdness.

today feels like a gratitude journaling full of exclamation points and full caps.
xxoxx

what are the momentitos that you are loving right now?

a grateful heart

when I pray, I always include this plea, "help me to live each day of my beautiful life with a grateful heart, even when it feels difficult and frustrating.  help me remember to be thankful each moment."

it's easy to have a grateful heart when, in those rare moments, everything is going smoothly, like the other day when our whole family was awake uncharacteristically early for church and I had time to get the girls in the bathtub while I sipped coffee and gently rubbed my baby bump and Greyson and Brandon played basketball in the kids' room.  my heart whispered out, 'how lucky to be in this warm house while the outside is so cold with my three kids all perfectly content and all of us under this one roof and in no hurry right at this moment.'

sometimes a reminder to be grateful comes in the tiny hands reaching for mine, and the 'you're the best mom ever! thank you for letting me use the glue!' shouts of glee, the full on tackle hug I still get at the bus stop at afternoon pickup, and the welcome home kiss from my husband.  No matter what the day has brought, these little sparks of pure love stop my heart in its tracks for a moment to recognize, 'this is your perfect.'

often times, i have to dislodge it from my throat and try to choke the gratitude down in the difficult moments that make up a mother's day raising very young kids.  the messes that are twice the size of their bodies (we're raising creative and imaginative humans), the mealtime whining (we are lucky to not know what it means to really be hungry), the bedtime negotiations (they still need and want me around), the keys that are missing because he doesn't put them back where they go (we said for better or worse and he gets his fair share of my worst).

i try my best to extend a grateful heart to all the conveniences that we have and so many do not.  i whisper to myself in moments that feel frustrating, 'first world problems, tab.' and i remember to take a grateful breath.  so, i flip on the spigot and send a thank you for immediate clean water.  i send a thank you out to the 'hide' button on facebook when my newsfeed becomes particularly disheartening.  i thank the electricity for my nuked coffee for the third time today, for the food in the deep freezer, for the internet and the connections that it gives me to people i don't get to see everyday (or ever!),  for laundry baskets of clothes that, alas, need folded but are in fact clean.  my gratitude for certain luxuries i used to take for granted before becoming a mum that now are almost extolled in a ludicrous amount like an uninterrupted hot shower, and clean bed sheets, forgotten chocolate discovered on a difficult afternoon.

i try to look at the people that surround me and my family with a full and grateful heart. there are people who love us despite all of our flaws and frustrating habits.  people who answer our calls in the midnight hour of need.  those who show up, no questions when we are celebrating and when we are mourning.  we have people in our lives who bring practical help and a hand extended.  strangers that show up at just the right moment and offer help or advice just as we realize we need it.  people who give us nothing more than patience as we learn and grow and figure our way through this life.

and i extend my grateful heart to myself  when its difficult to be a part of a world in which it feels like so many other people are ungrateful or at the very least, unaware of the opportunities in which to be grateful.  i am in charge of me, i am in charge of my own reactions and emotions.  despite all else, i can find a way to go on with a grateful heart in this small little area that i occupy in the great big space and time of history.

when i'm feeling particularly gloomy or in a rut, i know that the first step to feeling right again is to dig deep in gratitude.  to take stock of this one, precious, beautiful life as it is right in this moment and I can put one foot in front of the other; feeling lighter and more joyful with each step.

thank a coach

I'm writing this from various different perspectives.  First, as a former athlete, I've played sports all through most of my young life - from elementary school up through college, mostly volleyball, but basketball and cheerleading sprinkled in there too.

 I loved the sport(s), I loved being on a team, I loved pushing myself to places I didn't think I could go for the sake of my teammates.  I may never have been the 'best' player on any of my teams, but I was certainly one of the most enthusiastic.  I have a journal from my senior year of college that I wrote in after a big win where I wrote in all caps, "NEVER FORGET THIS FEELING!"  That's where sports can get you:  to the upper highs of emotion.  It also can get you to the lowest of lows but then it taught me how to recover from those, making that 'brush yourself off and get back up' reaction stronger for the next million times that life inevitably knocked me on my behind in a thousand different ways.

The sum of what I learned from playing sports has always been greater than the parts, and I think most athletes would agree.

I'm also writing from the perspective of the wife to a Varsity coach.  My husband's team is considered part of our family all year, but especially during the season.  We wait for Daddy to come home to eat dinner, usually past bedtime, we travel to home and away games, and we all talk, worry, and cheer all season long. Our young kids know the players' names and numbers, get to know the players' parents, families, and girlfriends and then  pretend to be them when they play at home.  These teenage boys near celebrity status to our three kids as they give them high fives, knicknames, and ask them how they played after the games as though the opinion of a three year old was the most important thing they had ever heard.

And finally, I'm writing as a parent to kids that have their own coaches.  We have a strong belief that raising kids takes a village, and our kids' coaches are part of that village.  We write thank you notes at the end of the season, ask how we can support the team through volunteering our time or talents, and remind the kids to include them in their prayers at night.  Having their coach's familiar face at practice and the games gives our kids the confidence to believe in themselves.  These coaches, just as their teachers, become our partners in teaching our kids how to grow into their best selves.  We regard their opinion, advice, and suggestions highly because we fully understand that they get to know our kid, not better than us, but differently than us.

So, from those perspectives, I'm encouraging you, today, to Thank a Coach.

• Thank the coach that made you better than when you started.  Whether that was the little league coach that taught you the rules at the start of your career in the sport, the coach that cleaned up your game as you started in a higher league, or the coach that got you pumped up at the start of the second half of a game your team was losing.  

  

• Thank the coach that had to try to schedule practice fairly, who organized fundraising projects, and who threw in their own money when it ran out in the account and paid out of pocket for the pizza.  

• Thank the coach who gave you your knickname, or learned your team celebration cheers, or perfectly executed that dumb phrase you and your teammates made up - because to your coach, you all were much more to them than your jersey number.

• Thank the coach who had the difficult job of keeping you and your teammates under control during the season.  There's nothing quite like the bond that comes through long bus rides, common hatred of suicide drills, and post-win huddles.  Through the whole season, you and your team continue to get closer in friendship, but also weirder and sillier. Thank the coach that put up with you and your teammates' antics and goofball jokes.

• Thank the coach that gave you hope to come back again tomorrow to try again after a hard loss, a painful injury, or a difficult time in your personal life.

• Thank the coach who said to you, "I don't care what anyone else out there is saying, you are playing because I believe you are the best person for the job, so BE the best person for the job."  And then you became your best.

• Thank the coach who stood on the sidelines arguing with the ref about an unfair call in your defense.  The sight of their emotion and hand motions was a reminder that someone had your back.

• Thank the coach who showed up to cheer for you at your other activities.  The coach who shows up at your graduation party.  The coach that shows up through mailed notes of congratulations and encouragement as you move through life.

• Thank the coach that sacrificed their time.  Every minute spent at practice, traveling to games, in the office to meet with you, watching game film, taking phone calls from parents, making calls to colleges, talking with the newspapers, tallying up individual players' performances, printing programs, writing letters of recommendations, meeting with teachers about grades and discipline...every minute of that - they were choosing you over everything else.

• Thank the coach that celebrated with you after the wins and stood beside you through the losses.  Who was the first to say, 'here's how we're going to move forward from this.' Who encouraged your team to rally at the end of a close game or at the end of a difficult season.  The coach you looked at incredulously when it seemed impossible but there they were still over there drawing up crazy plays and shouting from the sideline, "You got this!" 

• Thank the coach who stops to talk when you see them around town and asks how your life is going - even though it's been a long time since they've been your coach.  Know it's fine if you still call them Coach, great even- because, to them, YOU will always be considering one of their 'kids' no matter how much time passes.

• Thank the coach who you reach out to for advice and encouragement someday when you become a coach and think to yourself, 'wow, I had no idea.' 

• Ya know what?  You can even thank the coach that you thought was unfair and unreasonable.  Thank them because when your boss at work is being unfair and unreasonable, you already have practice on the feelings of frustration and how to move past them.  

Thank a coach because just as all of those drills and practices paid off because 

you put in the time and effort to be a better athlete, 

your coach put in the time and effort to help you become a better person.  

happiness vs. wholeness

I recently read an excerpt from the book The Good Life by Hugh McKay (of which I plan to add to my reading list!) that had me nodding in agreement and reflecting on throughout the last few days.

"I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep” and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness.” Ask yourself, “Is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is."

For most of my young life, my Mum used the adjective 'bubbly,' to describe me to new people.  It is an adjective that I am proud of (thank you, Mum!) because it means light-hearted, animated, and lively.  I believe these are all accurate pictures of my personality, but not because I'm innately a 'happy person.'

Just like everyone on the planet, I'm not always happy; I experience regularly (daily...sometimes hourly!) frustration, anger, sadness, guilt, worry.  Instead of scolding myself for being unhappy though, I use these emotions to filter my feelings and then focus on gratitude.  It is important to preserve my bubbliness by having all of the emotions on a regular basis.  In that way, I am not surprised or caught off-guard by the regular unpleasantness of life, which allows me to experience it and then move on to the next one.

Happiness is not my end goal (although I enjoy quite a lot of happiness); but rather, as explained by McKay, I strive for wholeness.  Wholeness for me represents the ability to experience all of life's emotions while recognizing that each of those are contained within the same bucket of Gratitude.  I want to recognize that life is hard - for every person in different degrees and ways - and that no matter my current situation- gratitude is hidden in the moments that accompany every emotion; the pleasant and unpleasant ones equally.  When I am frustrated, I can be grateful for a lesson a learned for next time.  When I am disappointed, I can be grateful to have the extra boost to go for it again.  At the end of even the very worst days, at the very bottom of the barrel, gratitude still sits for all the small pleasures that we take for granted; a warm drink, a friendly smile, the chance to try again better tomorrow.

This description of striving for wholeness also describes the way that I feel about my role of parenting.  It is not my job as their mother to make sure my kids are always happy.  First, that's unrealistic and impossible, (you already know this if you've ever spent time with a two year old who whines about a cookie that broke in half).  Secondly, there will be endless amounts of time that my kids will be unhappy in their lives and that is something that they need to continue to learn how to overcome and experience again and again.

happy to be visiting puppies; disappointed to not keep any

My job as a parent is to make sure that my kids have experience in a full range of emotions and feelings so that when they encounter them in varying degrees as they grow up, they are not unfamiliar and scary.  They will recognize that feeling of a deep pit in their stomach when they are worried about a loved one and know how to respond in a way that doesn't derail their whole day.  They will flinch a little less with the pang of disappointment when the outcome isn't exactly what they expected.

I stand firmly in the parenting thought that being a little uncomfortable is good for the soul and for growing into a whole person.  We are lucky and acknowledge that we have a life in which our versions of being uncomfortable are chosen instead of endured out of necessity.  We regularly remind family, friends, and ourselves that it's perfectly fine for our kids to want and to not be perfectly comfortable all the time.   I love the line from The Descendants in which the father said you should "give your kids enough money to do something, but not enough to do nothing."  We try, as parents, to apply this concept to not only money, but all sorts of aspects; activities, parties, everyday life.  We look at our job as their parent to not give them everything they want to be happy all the time, but rather give them enough to experience, learn, and grow creatively and confidently;  and to support them emotionally through the all the feelings that come along with life and to help them see the gratitude that lies hidden in each of those moments.

Our strongest desire in parenting is to raise kids who are grateful and kind.  As their parents, that is the foundation we want to lay; all the other stuff can be dumped into it.  As they grow up, we and and other people (it takes a village, right?) will help teach and encourage them to be all the other things a person can be; imaginative, competitive, knowledgeable, curious...all that other stuff.  But we believe wholeheartedly that without the gratitude and kindness - everything else is too easily wasted.

Gratitude (thankfulness, appreciation, acknowledgement) is not the same as happiness (pleasure, contentment, satisfaction). Perhaps the issue with creating a fear of sadness (or other unpleasant emotions) in today's world actually comes from a misuse of the word happiness; that when people focus or list the things that made them happy - they actually mean the things that they were grateful for throughout the day.

I think a shift from focusing on happiness to gratitude could do a lot of good in a world that sometimes feels overly sad, scary, and frustrating.  A world where happiness appears to not reign supreme does not mean that it is a world where gratitude does not exist.  On the contrary, from the gratitude that we can recognize out of the unpleasantness that surrounds us, it creates abundant opportunities to imagine, envision, and dream about how each of us can grow, learn, and create a world in which we find a balance for both the pleasant and unpleasant emotions.  A world in which wholeness and gratitude shower each of us and the whole world in kindness.

a love letter to worms

Dear worms,

You  may recognize these two kids' faces.

These two children belong to me.  I am writing to say thank you for your patience as you bring much joy to the daily lives of my kids.  

You see, Worms, the reason you recognize these children's faces is because they are always searching for you and they are usually successful.  You frequently hear the sounds of their shovels, diggers, and delighted shrieks as they ramble on and on about how they will "find us some worms today, baby!"

It is with love of the purest kind that they seek you out, to hold you in their hands so that you can wiggle and tickle their palms.  Thank you for being so accepting of our relocation program (not that you have a real choice), but I believe you will find your new home in our kid-selected "Worm Box" comfortable and full of all of your favorite things; mainly dirt.



You can rest easy in our Worm Box, as these children who so lovingly hunt for, transport, and place you in your new home, also stand guard to scare away birds from the Worm Box.  They are your protectors; I found them shouting in unison, "Get away from our worms, Birds!" with a fervor that is usually reserved only for religious extremists and people suffering from severe road rage.

If my children gleefully discover you in any location that is not our home; and let's be honest here, they're always looking so this is a very common occurrence, they proceed to display you to anyone nearby with honest pride for all that is you.  It matters not if these fellow humans are complete strangers, family, or friends they just made 2 minutes prior and have a clear fear or distaste for creatures of your nature.  

My children are so infatuated with you that they incorrectly believe every single human on the planet should also want to hold and admire you too.  If the human politely declines, my children will force them to hold you anyway, gently placing you on the person's most stable body part (knees, feet, hand outstretched in the "ew" position).  There may be a moment of jostling at this time, but that is brief before you are carefully placed "back with your family" in the dirt.

The two reasons I would like to say that I love you Worms,  are these:   First, you provide extended periods of attention and happy independent play for my children.  You are like a rare phenomenon that occurs in my days where I can quickly accomplish multiple tasks that having children hanging on or 'helping' is very difficult.  Things like mopping the floor, using the restroom, or sneaking chocolate from my secret stash without sharing.  I am so grateful to you for that.  

Secondly, you bring out the most beautiful and sincere compliments that my children offer up to each other.  Gemma toddles over with worm in hand to announce in awe, "Wook, Booboo found dis." Just yesterday, Greyson announced aloud at the playground, "Gemmi, you are the greatest worm digger in the whole world!"  and then proudly told his Dad at dinner the same thing and adding, "She found two worms at the playground! Can you believe that?" He had never been more proud of his little sister in her 2 years of life.

There is truly no greater compliment in our home right now than "Great Worm Digger."

You are such a small creature, Worms, but know that to us - you are a very big deal.

Love always,
The Studers