Gemma Rose, thirteen.

 Dear Gemmi, 

My gorgeous girl (you know the voice we say that in). A real teenager now and so full of all the very best parts of girlhood. Every day you fill our home with outbursts of laughter, hearty eye emojis, and dance moves. But the best part of girlhood is through shared connection: eye to eye, sharing the daily updates from our lives, randomly bursting out inside jokes, and little pick-me-ups throughout the day: a candle lit, the laundry already switched, a hot drink delivered. 

My Roie, everyday I can't believe I get to be your mom. I can't believe I get to be your mom. I can't believe I get to be your mom. 

You love specialty coffees, yogurt parfaits, and snack plates, but are always willing to try new foods. You have so much rhythm and a spontaneous dance party is always just on the brink of breaking loose if you are around with a speaker nearby. Music blasting and you twirling and moving like you've been trained in contemporary dance all your life. You love Meghan Trainor for all her self love lyrics (I Want to Thank Me, and Been Like This). But you also listen on repeat to love songs that make you heartsick for all the great loves and breakups of your future. Your obsession for romcoms can easily compete with mine and you dive into tv series and movies that have you floating through the house with big ideas of love and grand gestures. You've especially loved Gilmore Girls, New Girl, My Life with the Walter Boys, and The Summer I turned Pretty. 

Now that you have your phone it has been so fun texting with you and seeing the Youtube shorts you think to send me. Most of them making fun of mom and daughter relationships with you captioning, "but why is this us though" with a crying laugh emoji. Your text exchanges almost always include a "love you" , or a random lengthy update, or a perfectly selected gif.  Maybe that's not a huge deal - but after texting with your brother and his one word responses for two years  - I can assure you texting with you has been a delightful revelation! 

As a sister, you are top tier. You consider Grey; buying him his favorite ice tea if you get to run errands and texting him to make sure he knows the schedule. You attend his games and are so proud to be his little sister - but always trying to stay on the right line of 'not embarassing him' (hah). You help Violet with her hair and give her outfit suggestions and share food. You find ways to connect with her even though you are so different from each other. Rusty, Reddy, and Olive are babied by you quite a bit - knowing they can look at you with puppy dog eyes and get you to do just about anything; from making them something to eat to doing their chores for them. You shower them with hugs and kisses and compliments and they will grow to be so self confident in your adoration. (thank you for that).  You are always willing to 'stay home with the babies' and it feels like a new level in parenting when I can run to the grocery store without buckling car seats and carrying both bags and kids! You are a great big cousin too and fawn over your little cousins always asking if Aunt Uch needs a babysitter. 

You are an awesome teammate and friend. You talk through the whole game - giving positive affirmations when a teammate does well or shouting encouragement when the going gets tough. You encourage teammates to run off the field or court; to keep their heads high; you dole out high fives constantly. Lots of people are always telling me and dad about how good of an athlete you are, but we are most proud when parents and coaches from the opposing team have regularly come up to us to say, "I love how your daughter talks during the game - she is such a force of positivity for her team!" You have the heart of a leader through the manner of believing so much in everyone that your teammates have no choice but to believe in themselves and rise to the expectation you have inspired in them. 

Already, by seventh grade, you are involved in a lot of things and you love being given responsibilities and trust. You played defense for the jrhigh soccer team, you played forward for the jrhigh basketball team, and you're preparing for a 14U AYSO soccer season, and a 15U travel soccer season. You attend confirmation year1 classes and volunteer opportunities at church, you take yearbook photos, you are a member of jrhigh student council, and you assist the trainer during Varsity football season. After a home playoff game, you cleaned up the bleachers without anyone asking- earning you a personalized thank you note from the superintendent. Your teachers send you to complete little errands or trust your notebook as an example for students who were absent the day before. If me and dad need a chore done, we rely on you (too often!) because we know you'll do it as good (or better) than we would. 

You love being the one asked to help, 

you love to do the helping and meet or exceed expectations, 

you love being the one to come up with the idea on how to help. 

and, GIRL. 

It is sometimes so dizzying to look at you and see a mirror - not just in the way we look - but in the way we find validation for our worthiness. 

I want to celebrate that in you because you ARE so trustworthy and responsible. 

The world actually does need you and YOUR (very specific Gemma Rose) help. 

But I am also determined to find a way to let you know that you don't need to be helping to prove your worth. 

My baby girl, 40+ years and I am still trying to internalize that to be true. 

One of my greatest hopes for you is that you learn that so much sooner than I have. 

That you can know deep in your bones and full in your heart of how incredibly valuable and worthy and amazing you are without having do to a single thing. 

Because, my gemmi - you ARE incredibly valuable

and worthy

and amazing

exactly as you are,

laying in your bed under comfy blankies watching 18 hours of romcoms 

or sneaking out your stash of sweets in the pantry hidden where your siblings can't find them

or blasting music and dancing around the backyard shaking your booty like a 1990's music video

or face mask drying with your hair in curlers sipping chai tea

or room covered in a clothes explosion (honestly, how?!) asking to borrow my sweater

or mud on your face and straw in your hair chasing down the goats in the yard

you are valuable and worthy, my darling girl.

always, always, no matter what.

love you forever and ever
and ever.
never being done of ever.
through space and time and tears and laughs.
forever loving you, Roie girl.
Mum

Gemma Rose, eleven years old

Roie,
Eleven is silly, huge smiles, and bursts of laughter. It's the Mamma Mia soundtrack on the Alexa while you make up dances to every song with your siblings. But, eleven is also having big talks about the birds & the bees, and moon cycles, and internet safety. It's hating to see in real time how the world tries to tell you what is beautiful; how I already need to reassure you that strong is just as pretty as any other body type and calories on the label of that breakfast bar aren't important, and telling you that your natural smile is more beautiful than any fake head tilt/half tongue out pose that all the girls are doing in selfies these days. 

Eleven is sharing the same blanket and snacks on the couch with your head on my shoulder and it's also an eye roll across the dining room table when I ask if you've done your chores for the day. Eleven is teetering on the edge of my glittery-twirling-giggle-filled-little girl and my legs-up-to-your-chin-those-shorts-are-too-short almost-teenager. Gosh, it is so close to the cliff, I feel dizzy most days.  

At eleven, Roe, you've found your stride in school. You were on the honor roll all year (the first time in elementary school) as your learning development has finally caught up to your peers and you are confident using all the techniques and strategies you've learned from teachers and eye specialists and support staff over the last few years. You have grown so much, sweetheart; my heart soars to know that you feel proud and capable in your classes in a way you haven't yet up until this point. (I am so proud of you for never giving up!) 

You are the epitome of a role model student in terms of behavior and trust. You were responsible for getting multiple teachers mail, it was your second year on student council, and you are the bus 'mother' to many students. I know so many adults depend on you to guide and lead your peers. Grown ups are always stopping me to randomly say, "I'm so thankful my kid had Gemma to help them" on any given instance that I had no clue about because helping people is not something you even think to tell me about. You just do it second nature and move on with your day. Thank you, Gemmi, for always stepping up to that role.

Your room is always a mess - clothes thrown everywhere, trinkets piled high on dressers, and a bed that is never made. You are notorious for losing your sports jerseys (basketball and soccer this year!) and we have to scramble to find a replacement on the day of games?! But frequently, you get the overwhelming urge to deep clean and rearrange whole rooms; pushing furniture here and there until it is unrecognizable, loading up garbage bags with trash, and lighting candles and you call Dad and I in for a big reveal. 

You love cereal, yogurt parfaits, and salads. You are a great, adventurous eater - so although I don't like to share my shrimp, brussels sprouts, and cauliflower - I am grateful you let your taste buds fall in love with food that have been in the past reserved for the grown ups in the house. You are the kindest and most patient big sister. Olive and Red sometimes prefers you over me (especially when I'm trying to teach them independence) as you will hold, snuggle, and sneak them treats as much as they want. Rusty and Violet are your two little partners in fun- making up hilarious dances and elaborate pretend games. They will keep you little and I am endlessly grateful for that. You and Grey are so close in age that you mostly annoy the living crap out of each other (and your bickering annoys the rest of us!), but I also know that the two of you would defend each other to the ends of the Earth; in the way you ask about the other quietly to me and dad and how you both watch and cheer at each other's games. 

You have friends everywhere we go - classmates your age, teammates older than you, Violet and Rusty's friends younger than you, random kids at the fields that gravitate to you because you smile and wave to them with a this-is-obviously-a-babysitter kind of way. A friend/teacher said to us the other day, "Well, my son joined the rest of the entire fifth grade boys in being in love with Gemma, and I told him, 'you don't have a chance honey! She's like a 20 year old- she doesn't have time for you silly boys!" LOL...accurate though. 

Gem, I hope you always have kindness in your heart, and a friendly smile on your face, and no freaking clue that you look like you look! You are so cluelessly gorgeous it is almost laughable. Your style is comfy/sporty with sneakers on your feet. (To find a dress for you to wear to promotion was a feat of feats!) You like what you like and it's mostly tshirts, gym shorts, and some hair ties or woven bracelets around your wrist. You're taller than me now and sneak cardigans out of my closet and wear my crocs out that door even while I'm asking everyone if they've seen them so I can wear them. 

You are selfless to the point of martyrdom; always giving away your fancy pens, your last piece of gum, and the good seat to whoever looks like they need it - your friends, teammates, or siblings.  This makes for a great post in basketball, which you play fearlessly and tough; rebounding like a gosh darn queen. And also for an incredible defender on the soccer field, using your whole body as a shield and protecting our goal. You have the heart of a protector and care giver - so often teachers have said to me, "that girl has the heart of a future special ed teacher," because you have this patient, loving, and protecting heart that believes everyone deserves a fair shot. I am so proud and grateful for that, Roie - but I know you often times forget that YOU deserve all the things too. I will do everything I can to always make sure I am someone who defends and rebounds in life for your fair shot. 

When I sent your end of year photo to my best friends, Karpy said, "I want Gemma to be my BFF." and that really is your vibe. I love that you are the kind of a girl that everyone wants for a friend and every parent wants for a babysitter and every teacher wants for a student and every kid wants for a sibling. You are so likable, my darling. Not because of some gift from above (although probably a little bit of that) but mostly because of the way you make people feel when they are with you. Someone you want in your corner, someone you want to laugh with and share stories with, someone who is on your team (both metaphorically and literally), someone you want to stay up half the night watching rom-coms with and then waking up the next morning working side by side to clean up the mess of blankies and smashed popcorn kernels. 

Right now in time, I'm your momma and I have a boat load of lessons to get into your heart, and boundary lines to draw as you grow, learn, and mature. But my Gemmi Ro, I can't wait until you're grown up and we can just be friends. Because you are the actual nicest person I've ever known and I am so very grateful I get to be your momma.

Gemmi, 
I am so proud of you.
I am so inspired by you.
I am so very thankful for you.
Dad and I say daily - we couldn't get through a day without Gem.
That is actually true. 
I love you, my darling, 
forever -
even though you're already taller than me.
forever and ever,
xxox momma.

Gemma Rose, ten years old

 My Gemmi, 

I can't think about you being ten because it makes me feel like I can't breathe. Ten! The last time you can do your whole age just on two hands. gulp, gulp, gulp forever. What's actually ridiculous is that no one in your life treats you like you are only ten. Ten is nothing for how mature you act, for how empathetic your knee-jerk reaction is, for how you care for your younger siblings, for how you carry yourself in public. 

But I know my Gemmi Ro who likes her fluffy pillows and likes to twirl to Justin Beiber songs and who still likes to snuggle on the couch while we watch cheesy chick flicks that we can tell within the first two minutes which characters will be kissing by the end. I know my Gemmi Ro who still wants to talk about her dreams while she's half asleep at the breakfast table with her hair in every possible direction while eating 17 bowls of cereal. 

My Gemmi Ro is ten and it both swells and breaks my heart. 

At ten, Gemma, you still love playing teacher and being the boss of everyone while also giving everyone encouragement and gold stars and all the books checked out of your pretend library in your bedroom. You love trying on outfits and putting on fashion shows for us while giggling and acting like you think it's so silly when literally everyone can see that you are obnoxiously gorgeous. I love that you have no clue, but also honey - it's okay if you have a little clue. I don't know how to make you see it, I hope it never matters that much - but I am a woman in the same world you live and I also know that it does. So I guess actually, I hope it never matters more than anything else. You are so incredible in so many ways that have nothing to do with your beautiful face, please Lord how I pray that you will always know that. 

You are our serial cereal snacker as you sneak bowl after bowl of cereal throughout the day. You are our best eater in terms of trying new things and we've made it to the point that the food that Dad and I could normally eat without any kids trying to steal our food (brussels sprouts, shrimp, hummus, etc), you will show up asking to join us and sit and chat too. You ask about our days, you are thoughtful in your actions, and genuinely want to learn how to be more helpful around the house (learning about farm chores, ironing, cleaning, etc) You are a homebody and love when we don't have any practices or games because coming home to play or just chill with your family suits you just fine. 

You like looking up hairstyles to try and I know you are secretly putting mascara on every morning before school (child, why do you think I'm dumb?) You finished 18 weeks of vision therapy to graduate (!) and Dad and I are so proud of you for all your hard work to get through sessions and homework. We've noticed a big improvement in your own confidence in yourself and you are now doing homework with almost no help from us, unless you are really confused. That's a huge change and I am so excited for you that you have so many strategies to lean into when you need it. 

You are a three sport athlete; cheer, basketball, and soccer. You love playing basketball best of all and play up with the fifth and sixth graders which pushes you to work hard enough to earn your spot. You are physically stronger than a lot of girls at your age and you say that you love being tall (you are 3rd tallest in your class and only about 4 inches shorter than me now!) but never want to be "skinny." Oh my darling, how much I love that you appreciate your body and it's strength. Yas, Queen. 

You are a friend to all but not really best best friends with anyone. Your best friends change depending on the sport season and I kind of love that. You do have a special friend who is a boy and even though you technically aren't "allowed" to have a boyfriend until you're 14 (because that's when I started dating and also what's actually the point of boyfriends/girlfriends before then?) you and this one boy are very good friends and so supportive of one other - truly. You talk and aren't weirdos around each other like most boy/girl friendships at this age and it makes me so grateful to know you two have this special bond. Maybe forever, maybe just for now - but I do know that it is very important and meaningful to you in this moment and I am so grateful to hear about every tiny detail. Please always know I will love to hear about the butterflies, and smiles, and inside squeals of all the things lovey-dovey-gooshy-mooshy because I am a romantic and girrrrrrlllll, don't even play.

We are very, very, almost scary similar Gemma; you and I. At least once a day, Dad says, "Do you know who that is?" after you do something and the answer he means is me. Your aunt Uch asked me the other week, "So how is it for you to be raising your exact self?" It is partially great to feel so connected to your feelings and reactions; sometimes it feels like I'm just watching old videos of myself at your age.

 

But my darling, hear and know this: you are not me. 

You are you. 

And I don't want you to think you need to be me; that you need to do anything I did, or dream my dreams, or follow in my footsteps at all. I see so much of me in you, but you know what else I see - someone better than me. 

Like by a lot. 

So don't do what I did because you think we are the same. You do what is in your heart - because sweetheart, you are incredible. I can't wait to see all the ways you are going to be exactly YOU and crush it.

Ro, I am so so proud of you. 

I know the road does not come easily for you but you put on the best freaking front I've ever seen. No one knows that you struggle, or work so darn hard, or sometimes just want to be a ten year old and not the example of behavior that literally every adult that interacts with you expects you to be so that all your peers will have a role model to emulate. 

but babe, I know. 

you have a soft place to land, here at home.

in my arms. 

it's hard to be the example. 

but we also all need you to be one too. 

and you can handle it. 

you are so talented at inspiring others

and pulling them up 

it's astounding.

I cannot believe I get to be your mom.

My darling Gemmi Ro, 

who has always been trying to grow too fast -

even when you were a tiny 10 month old walking all around our house

I do not care at all how much taller you get than me, 

I do not care how beautiful you continue to become

I do not care how sassy these next few years might make you

I do not care how weird, dumb, awkward, or sus you might think I am

I do not care how mature everyone else knows you are

I do not care how grown you think you are. 

You are my baby. 

still and always my baby.

forever and ever. 

i love you gemmi rose, 

momma

Gemma Rose, 7 years old.

My Gemmi Ro,
you are seven.
seven years already of your kind and generous heart.
seven years of your silly, bubbling giggle.
seven years of twirling, fluttering, and tumbling.

it always feels as though we exist in a fairy tale story book when you're around, Gem. There's a little extra sparkle, a heap of theatrics, the lines between good and evil always clearly defined, regular breakouts of music and dancing, and almost always a happily ever after.

You are no damsel in distress though, my girl, you are almost always the hero in the story. I will spend my whole life trying to get you to understand that you need to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others. It is often that I have to tell you, "Gem, you're trying to help too much now, honey." You are generous with your time, service, and kindness to a fault. The thought of anyone being offended by you makes you feel anxious. When your Dad and I have to drive separately somewhere, you worry yourself crazy deciding who to ride with because you don't want to hurt one of our feelings. Sleepovers at your friends' houses make you so happy but then you worry about how much Daddy and I will miss you. You told us over dinner the other night as just a side comment, "When one of my classmates break or lose their crayon, I let them have mine.....actually, I barely have any crayons left in my box in my desk because I've given so many away!" Dad and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. Roie, you need to take care of you too, baby.

 
You took it easy this year in sports because you told us that sometimes it gets too busy with everything we do. (boy, do we ever need that reminder regularly Gemma, thank you!) So you cheered for football season (me and Uch were your coaches!) and you signed up for AYSO soccer. No competitive cheer or indoor soccer because you wanted time to "play and be with my family."

Most of your friends are still all older than you by years/grades. Regularly, people are shocked to learn that you are only in first grade - both because of your height and your maturity. Dad and I forget constantly that you are only just now seven and we are always trying to remind ourselves that you are still just a little girl (even though you seriously might as well be 12 in the way we trust you and how you handle responsibilities).

You are less of a frilly, sparkly girl this year. You prefer leggings and a sports tshirt to dresses. You like your hair just in a ponytail and you are desperate for it to grow back again (after we got several inches cut off earlier last year). You still love hugs and dancing and snuggling but you ask for it less now and that's bittersweet; less neediness, but also stop growing up please. You love stories, especially about when you were little and when Dad and I were young and dating. You are always so eager to make sure that we know how much you love us. You say things like (when eating at a restaurant) "This is such good food - but not as good as yours mom!" or "That boy is so handsome! But not as handsome as Dad!"

You and Grey are either best best bestest best friends- not leaving each others' sides laughing maniacally at the weirdest jokes ever - or ready to choke each other and nitpicking everything the other one is saying. You and Violet play 'girlfriends' together with babies and purses, you whisper and giggle in the dark past bedtime, and you even started sharing your clothes with her (!). You two make my sister heart explode with your little tender moments that I only have the privilege to watch from the outside - but I know the power and love that is held in that hug of sisterhood. You baby Rusty probably the worst of all of us and he knows it. He calls you "my gemma" sometimes and girl, well, good luck with that. His curls and hugs around the neck and sweet smile can make you crumble into a pile of mush. You literally would do anything for him and I have to tell you all the time, "Gem, he's never going to learn if you keep doing everything for him!"

Your favorite movies are all 'kissing movies' like A Cinderella Story, Another Cinderella Story (lol), and most recently, To All the Boys I've Loved Before. You have fallen head over heels for musicals this year including Mamma Mia, The Greatest Showman, and Hairspray (big time crush on Link, but Gem, you are not alone in girls who have had their first major celebrity crush on Zac Efron!) You like watching baking/cooking shows on youtube and still ask to help anytime I'm in the kitchen. 

You are an independent little thing and the absolute most helpful child in our house. You are nearly completely self sufficient (hah!) and can even get almost everyone else ready too. You make us cups of tea (in the microwave), you get snacks and drinks for your siblings, you can empty and load the dishwasher, and you're the only kid not afraid to go into the basement by yourself to get something from the freezer for us. You can change diapers, clean a bathroom, and almost (so close!) learned to iron this year - but because you were trying to be too helpful (this is a theme of yours) you accidentally burned yourself when putting more water in it while it was still hot when I stepped out of the room. 

Grey told a silly joke the other day, "what did the snake say to the mailman?" (ssssss) which had us all giggling. And then Violet jumped in on the joke and asked "what did the pig say to the mailman?" (oink oink) and then you tried, "What did the turtle say to the mailman? ....(can I help you?") ....this is so typical of the kind of stuff you say, Gem, that leaves us all wondering -what in the actual hell are you talking about? while you sit there and just laugh at yourself. Being able to laugh at your silly, unique self, Roe, that is an invaluable skill - so hold on to it, my darling. Let your freak flag fly, girl - it's bold and bright and beautiful!

You still love playing school at home; you are always trying to enlist the babies in being your students while you sing strange little chants to them about keeping their hands to themselves and their mouths closed while walking in the halls (hahha, makes me laugh every time). I hear your teachers' voices and phrases parroted out of your mouth as you do your pretend read alouds and give instructions. I am so grateful that you have had amazing teachers that inspire you.

You are still working hard in school and math seems to come naturally to you. You have made progress in reading this year and you are so determined to get there. You still have a way to go until reading becomes more natural to you, but goodness girl - when you get a handle on this reading thing, you are going to soar. I can't wait to see you unfurl those beautiful wings and leap into uncharted land of learning and characters and new worlds. Oh Gemmi, how much you are going to adore reading.  I can't wait to do it together and the chats we will have and the worlds we can explore together through books. You are going to love it so much and I can't wait to watch how your dedication and persistence in trying finally pays off and you unlock that incredible padlock to the whole wide world.

Gemmi, 

I am so lucky to get to be your momma.
to watch you and be inspired regularly about patience and generosity
I am so proud of the girl you are
and humbled to even think of the girl you are going to continue to be
I hope to be a little more like you everyday.
Gemmi girl, you are something else.
I love you forever and ever
and ever for all the days
even when you're way taller than me
and changing the whole wide world
my roie, I will love you.
momma

Gemma Rose, six years old.

my dearest Gemmi Ro,
you are six! as I say every year, it seems impossible that you are not older. you are so kind and patient and thoughtful - my darling - I swear sometimes I think to myself, "I need to be more like Gemma." Daddy and I sometimes look at each other in awe of your patience and generosity. You are so so kind and understanding, Roe, more than any of us deserve. You ask us how our day is going, you help clean up, and you do chores with zero whining or complaints. You do the things that need done with a steady persistence and you care for those around you, it's as simple as that to you - but you're only six and you already understand that so it shocks us regularly.

School was a bit of a rough start, but we knew that it would be - despite how hard you worked to be ready. You were so lucky to get your teacher who has championed for you and your learning since day one. (Mrs. Roman, we are so blessed that you are in our lives). Gemmi, you have practiced tirelessly and you have never given up even when at one point in the middle of the year, as we were practicing reading sentences, you looked up at me with tears in your eyes and said, "Momma, everyone else in the class can do this easier than me." I gave you a hug and we had a long conversation about how we all are good at different things and we all struggle with different things. That little chat was all you needed to lift your chin and get back in there.

The progress you have made this year, academically Roe, has been staggering. We are so proud of you - less because of how amazing your report card is - but more because of how hard you worked and hung in there. Our tenacious little girl.

You also have a dramatic side that can make us all a little batty too though. You feel things so immensely that you jump off the train at cuckoo-town and we have to give you a speech about not being too upset or too silly or too theatrical. Sometimes I hear my exact momma-speeches (tone and all) come out of your mouth and I am immediately reminded that I too need to sometimes not be too upset or too theatrical when parenting you four kids (thanks for the regular reality check, Gem).

Your favorite way to play is pretend school and you need no playmates to do so. You pull up a little chair and carry over a tall stack of books and a big wad of scratch paper and a pen and get started. For hours, you mimic your teacher's voice in the chair; 'reading' aloud the books and marking attendance on the scratch paper. You love doing homework pages, and pretending to type on old laptops/keyboards. I can never find any of my pens, markers, or tape because you are constantly stealing them for your mobile 'classroom.'

All of your best friends are two or three years older than you (#typicalGemma) and you still love all things teenage girl - nail polish, purses, boyfriends, kissing movies, dancing, selfies, etc. You cheered this year with Turners All Stars and took to it like a fish in water. You have always been physically strong (still true) so learning about cartwheels, roundoffs, and toe touches have been a dream come true. You've spent most of the last year upside down in either a cartwheel or a handstand up against the wall. You are also playing soccer and are a tough and determined little cookie but also aware and a team player - passing to teammates and giving them space when they have the ball.

At six, you can do your own ponytail, ride a bike without training wheels, rollerblade (not great, but you're determined), do a flip on the trampoline, make toast and eggs independently, and fold clothes. You still like to be tucked into bed and fall asleep to the sound of my voice reading aloud from whatever book I am reading. Your favorite movies are love stories (A Cinderella Story, Zombies, and Descendants) and you'll eat almost anything without complaint but you love croutons and ranch dressing best. You are still our snuggle master and if you're having a tough day, the fastest way to  perk you back up is with a hug or a snuggle on the coach with a book, or a twirl in the kitchen to some music.

Early this school year,  you learned that the word 'flesh' means 'skin' and right away you made the connection that calling a particular crayon 'flesh color' (like some of your classmates do at school) was not very nice. You said, "but not everyone's skin is the same color!" Several times this year, I have heard from your various teachers about how you maturely and matter-of-factly explain to your classmates that you don't feel comfortable calling it 'flesh color' and that you call it peach instead. 

You help opposing soccer players up off the ground and ask if they're okay. You ask how to respond in a nice way to a classmate who says you're not her friend anymore. You share your own anything every single time someone else doesn't have. You know how to wait your turn, you let younger kids go first and cannot stand to see someone cry or sad. And when Greyson makes a bad choice and needs to be punished (even when the bad choice was directed at you) you beg for Daddy and I to punish you instead so that your big brother doesn't have to feel upset. 

My little kindergarten human rights warrior, this world doesn't deserve you - but it needs you so badly. 

my darling Gem,
You are everything good and kind and generous in this world.
I am so vastly grateful to get to be your momma.
you, my bright shining star girl,
you will love and snuggle the bad right out of this world.
I am so proud of you Roey.
I will be loving you forever
even when you're so big
your momma.

Gemma Rose at five years old

my dearest Roey,

five.
five!!
it seems impossible both because it's happened too fast and because surely you've been older than five for forever now.  If we get asked one more time if you're our oldest child by a random stranger again I think Grey's going to pull his hair out!  (he dislikes being asked if you two are twins only slightly worse).

You, Gemmi, have always been trying to be older than you are - even since you were only one week old flashing those bonafide smiles at everyone.  You walked at ten months and have been chatting off all of our ears as soon as you realized you had a voice that could communicate.  You have always acted older than you are and yet, every year at your birthday I am shocked that we are celebrating another year of the brilliant, shining star that you are.

Our Gemmi, who feels each emotion with every single cell in her body.  The joy that floats off of you, I swear, comes with it's own sweet melody that can be heard in reverberations from your belly laughs.  And the tears, my sweet girl, you hold the curse (and blessing) that comes with an empathetic heart that feels all the worlds' sorrows (and beauty).  Sometimes you look at me and whisper, "I don't want to be crying, momma, but my eyes are just doing it." We've had plenty of talks about how sometimes we cry when we're sad, or mad, or so happy even.  We have plenty more of these talks to come.

Gem, you are also our little emotional barometer, you can walk into a room and immediately know who needs their hand held or a smile without anyone speaking a word.  You try to distract during arguments in your effort to diffuse and you lean down to give hugs and kisses for anyone who feels the tiniest bit of sadness.  

But make no mistake, you will also stand in brave defiance should anyone think for one moment they could wrong one of your siblings....'not without going through me first' say your set eyebrows and stoic mouth. 

You still love babies and I find purses and diaper bags all over the house filled with babydoll supplies and real diapers and old cellphones that lost their chargers long ago.  I gifted you my old planner this year when I got my new one and you'd have thought I gave you a million dollars.  You love acting like a grown up (especially a mom, hence babydolls) and you like scribbling over all my old to do lists and pretending you have places to go and grown up things to do.

You are so caring and nurturing - it is in your deepest heart of hearts to take care of people.  I feel so very blessed that my kids, your siblings, get to have you as their sister, Gemma Rose.  And a tiny part of me feels peace to know too that someday when I'm not here, my other babies will still have you. I pray everyday that you will find someone who takes care of you like you take care of everyone else, my sweet darling.

You still are, probably always will be, our resident snuggler.  Always, you have some part of your body touching some part of someone else's body; even if it's just making sure your foot is resting on ours while we share the couch (but usually it's your entire body leaning on us precariously so that the slightest movement will send you toppling).  Your unspoken philosophy is that hands are made for holding and arms are made for hugging and snuggling.  If you need a little pick-me-up during the day, a twirl and a dip can change your whole attitude. 

With the exception of the leaning-on-people, you are otherwise incredibly balanced and strong.  You can do cartwheels and round-offs and we're working on a backhandspring (so slowly but promising already).  You can do a perfect push up, have six pack abs, and the freestyle dance moves you throw out, girlfriend, they are legit.  

And, Roey, our performer girl who brings theatrics and dramatics to any situation.  Who makes three to four wardrobe changes a day, who knows the importance of faking a smile to get the picture taking over with, who practices her British accent while reading books to her baby brother, and who can win any family lip sync contest hands down...to that Roey Girl...I'm telling you - when William Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage," he was speaking to someone like you.

You be you, Gemmi Rose Studer.
We are all just lucky enough to bask in the light that shines out of your eyes.

happiest fifth birthday, my beautiful old-enough-for-kindergarten girl (!!)
i'll love you forever and ever
even when you get so big
mum.

my favorite photo from 2015

There are all kinds of mommas out there.  Some of us are really great at helping out at school and bringing in the best classroom snacks.  Some of us moms can clean and organize like nobody's business.  Some of us plan amazing parties, and some of us seem to balance it all effortlessly.  It takes all kinds of us mommas - so be proud of whatever it is that you bring to your village!

Personally, I'm the kind of mom that has her camera or phone out to snap pictures of the big events and of the everyday normal, boring stuff.  Our family yearbook is one of my very favorite things to create and is the biggest motivation to have my camera ready to snag the photos of what our days feel like right in this moment of very young kids where the days pass by in a bizarre and loud blur.  I'm the girl receiving regular reminders that my phone storage is low due to photo capacity.

When I was happily browsing Social Print Studio and daydreaming about my next purchase, I started wondering about choosing a single favorite photo from 2015.  I mean, could it even be done, just one single favorite photo?

I took a lot of photos that I really love over the course of 2015, it was a big one for us, after all.  We traveled to the Dominican Republic for a family vacation, we celebrated our baby's first birthday, our son started Kindergarten...it was a record year!  Even though I have loved tons of pictures from last year, it didn't take more than a few minutes to zero in on the number one favorite capture.  Out of all of those major events, my favorite photo actually comes from a regular moment on a regular day with our two girls.

I am one of three sisters, and for all my life, I will be grateful to be a sister of sisters.  For all my life, I will be grateful to be a mother of sisters.  A complete dialogue of a secret, silent language occurs within a glimpse between sisters.  Our husbands sit among us with furrowed eyebrows as the three of us hold entire conversations without ever finishing a sentence in it's entirety.

As with all siblings, there is a loyalty that runs deeper than comprehension, born into our bones through shared DNA and childhood memories.  But with sisters, that loyalty is laced with understanding and empathy and forgiveness.  I see this already in our girls at only four and a year and a half and my heart swells with joy and relief.  They will always have each other, and hopefully they'll also adopt their, future cousins and sisters-in-law into their little circle of giggling and shared desserts and unfinished sentences.

That's what this photo shines out for me; that secret language between sisters.  The mutual admiration and love and reverence that sisters extend to each other.  I imagine I will spend the rest of my life looking out at our two girls sharing a glance just as this one and I'll understand that secrets are being passed, even though I'll never quite know exactly what those secrets are without asking.  And that's just fine, because I'm content in knowing that they have each other, that I have a lifetime of motherhood to watch their relationship grow and flourish.
Our girls.
I will love this photo forever.

--

I have been a fan of Social Print Studio for a few years now, they have excellent products and make ordering prints of all of those instagram photos that tend to get stuck in cyberspace rather than printed super easy.  For two years, I have created and printed a collage of twelve of my favorite photos for the year to display in our staircase photo wall.  And the mini square prints are perfect to tack into our kids' baby books of all those magical little moments that is kind of what instagram photos are for.   One of my favorite and most unique Christmas gifts was the tearaway calendar that my brother in law gifted me once.  All of these thoughts are my own, and seriously, check them out - I can promise you that SPS is awesome.


ps. scf, i love you.

Gemma Rose at four years old

Dear Gemmi Ro,

at four years old, you are the pixie dust to our lives.  it's as if we can see an actual sparkling trail you leave as you twirl, skip, flitter, and float about the house, the way you move sometimes, it appears maybe you do have little fluttering, invisible fairy wings that keep you hovering a few inches off of the floor...

...or maybe those are your high heels that you proudly click about the house pretending to be a 'grown up' with your painted fingernails and smudged on lipstick talking about how you and Daddy are getting married.  Goodness, do you love your Dad.   You ask him to dance and buy you gummy bears and daily pick out his morning suit and tie.  I look at you two with giggles and send out little prayers to the days when you're fifteen and you're breaking his poor little heart into a million pieces.

You are our family snuggle master, always ready to squeeze into tiny spaces on the couch next to anyone and share their air.  You have no preferences as to who you are sitting with - me, Dad, your brother or sister or our pets.  You're always pulling over the blankies and getting 'all snugly and cozy.'

I call you my shadow and have to remind you about twenty times a day that sometimes mommas need space.  I can't turn around without bumping into you.  You are very helpful and so eager to do things independently.  You've mastered feeding the dogs and getting them water from the bathroom sink.  You like making your own waffles, using butter knives and scissors, and making scribble notes in notebooks that you leave all over the house claiming that it's your work.

And girlfriend, can you ever talk.  From the moment you wake up until the moment you finally close your eyes, you have so much to say.  The stories and questions are endless and Dad and I find ourselves repeating (especially at mealtimes), 'Gemmi, please be quiet for a couple minutes." The other day at lunch I said, "Gemmi, why are you talking all the time?" to which you answered, "I love to talk Mum. And eating.  And snuggling.  So if we could eat lunch on the couch with a blankie and talk too.  That's like the best day ever in my whole life."

Talking about getting bigger and being a grown up is some of your favorite discussions.  You can't wait to drive a car and have a purse and buy stuff and be a mommy, and, obviously, marry Daddy.  But if somehow that conversation leads to ME being older (ie. your kids' grandma) then you half yell, half cry telling me that it will NOT be like that because 'you're NEVER getting old mom! and i'm never living in a different house and i don't want to talk about this ever again!" thank you, my sweet four year old gemmi ro...i will hold on to you saying this when you are eighteen and counting down the days until you get to move away.

You currently have your first bonafide crush of your life.  I'm counting it as legit because occasionally you'll completely out of the blue, wonder aloud if he's thinking about you and send little whispered wishes out into the universe that he'll come to rescue you when you're in danger.  by the way, your crush is the fairy prince Cornelius from the animated movie Thumbelina.  this has been going on for three weeks.

We were listening to the music channel on tv yesterday, having a good ole fashion, no holds barred dance party, when 'Sorry' came on and you caught sight of the picture of Justin Beiber and whipped your head around to me with big round eyes.  I burst out laughing immediately, recognizing this face as my own tween self and said, "what?" to which you pretend fainted onto the ottoman saying dramatically, "He's SO handsome!"  Good Lord, do we have trouble coming.

At four years old, we are already catching glimpses of tween Gemma, in all your hair obsessed ('does my hair look crazy'), best friend jealousy ('I don't want her to play with anyone else but me!') and i-want-a-boyfriend talk.  This week, you've even pulled out the line - 'You're ruining my life!' even though you don't quite understand the gravity of the statement but you definitely know that it means someone (me) is doing something you really don't like (asking you to clean up the mess in your room).  Your current favorites movies/shows are Thumbelina (um, hello Cornelius), Teen Beach Movie 2, Disney Descendants, Princess Sophia, and Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse.  You've requested a 'make-up' party for your birthday, so we're doing movie star make-overs with a photo booth, you are over the moon about the three new lipsticks and the glitter cupcake icing you got to select for the party.

Gem, you have this life that bubbles up and out of you in the brightest and most honest way.  You act out tenderly and maternally to anything smaller than you, mimicking me as you push back Violet's hair, kiss her on top of her head and whisper, 'you're a good baby.'  You make up the words to books and little songs that mostly include words like:  lovely, fantastic, and magical.

You love to have us watch you doing your made up dances and gymnastics routines, your pretend songs and dramatic reenactments of your favorite love stories, but only us.  Right now it is only reserved for immediate family as you suffer from severe stage fright if you know people are watching you, going so far as to break down into tears.  You demand a spotlight, baby, but I'm kind of glad that you just want to share your full sparkling spirit with us for now.

You are truly like a little pixie with your long eyelashes and your xylophone voice, and your rotating wardrobe of mainly dresses (the twirlier the better!).  You can't be bothered with whether you know the right words for your lip sync routine, or if you know what letter is called what, or what the rules to any game is.  You only care if everyone is smiling and if there is 'hot gum' for you, and if everyone is being family and hugging and if we can please talk some more and be happy together.

Oh, gemmi, you are so much like me and also so very different from me.  it's like I know all the words to the song, but the melody is different; which makes it both so beautiful and mystifying to watch you grow.

Roey, girl.  we are so very proud of you.
i love you forever and ever.
even when you keep getting so big,
mumma

Kid Chatter

Greyson: I'll be a good Dadda some day
Mum:  I think so too, buddy.  How many kids do you want?
Greyson:  Probably three boys and three girls
Mum:  That sounds nice
Greyson:  I think the boys should be named:  Lightening, Prince, and Antler.  And maybe the girls can be named Princess, Castle, and how about, Sendalia

Gemma:  Let's talk about something.
Mom/Greyson/Dad:  Okay, like what
Gemma:  Let's talk about Lulu's skin
(Lulu is our cat)

The kids are in charge of composting our veggies and they take them out to the hillside and use the vegetable pieces to build "Bunny Caves" for the wild rabbits.


Greyson and I were walking the dogs back in the fields behind our house.
Mom:  I'll hold both Bullet and Trixie's leashes for a little while, in case there are deer back here and they want to run after them.
Greyson:  I can hold Trixie
Mom:  I know, but I don't want Trixie to pull you too hard if there's a deer and then you'll have to let go of her leash because she'll run to the deer.
Greyson:  So
Mom:  Well then maybe the deer will be afraid and think it needs to fight Trixie and it will kick her in the face or something
Greyson:  oh, okay I get it.
Mom:  cool
Greyson:  Because then maybe Trixie's teeth would get knocked out and then the tooth fairy would bring her a bone for her tooth and then Trixie and Bullet would fight over it.

After Greyson got on the bus for the first day of school and Gemma and I were both crying.
Gemma:  I thought you said we were going to CATCH the bus!!!
Mom:  Honey, that's just how you say that Booboo was going to get on it
Gemma:  No!  I thought we were bringing the bus home and Greyson was staying!

At the Tough Mudder, Gemma realized I had moved from the spot where she thought I was standing and instead found an older woman sitting there (the woman recounted the following conversation to me later).
Gemma:  have you seen my momma?
Woman:  I don't know, what does she look like?
Gemma:  Well, she looks like me.
Woman:  Does she have a baby in a carrier on her belly?
Gemma:  Yes!  She does!
Woman (pointing): Is that her?
Gemma:  Yes!  Thank you!

a young family watches a meteor shower

3:52am

Mom:  Sweetheart, do you want to see the falling stars?
Daughter:  yes, mumma
Mom:  okay, you'll have to wake up then and come with me
Daughter:  can we catch them?


Mom:  You're supposed to make a wish when you see a shooting star.  How many wishes do you think we'll get to make tonight?
Daughter:  eight
Son: one hundred and ninety and fourteen


Mom:  Oooh!  we saw a big on while you guys were getting the blanket!
Son:  Did it fall in our yard?


Son:  Hey, look!  the dipping thing!
Dad:  yep, you're right!  The big dipper!
Son:  it's cool that the stars make things in the sky


Son:  it looks like we're looking up at a big city up there in the sky, huh?


Daughter:  wow!  do you see that blinking green one?
Son:  Gem!  That's just the dog's collar


Mom:  close your eyes! I'm going to take a picture
Daughter:  why close our eyes?
;;flash;;
Daughter:  don't ever do that again, Mumma!

Son:  What did you wish, Mom?
Mom:  that everyone in the whole world would choose kindness
--
Daughter:  I wished I could be a human
Mom:  You are a human, silly!
Daughter:  no, a human who makes ice cream.
Mom/Dad/Son:  mmhmm, good wish.
--
Son:  I wish I could see the boulders in space
Dad:  you mean like an astronaut?
Son:  Yes!
Mom/Dad/Daughter:  mmhmm, good wish.
--
Mom:  what about you Dad?
Dad:  I wish for a blanket


Daughter:  what's that blinking one moving?
Mom:  It's an airplane
Daughter:  wow!  Up there with the falling stars, it better be careful!


Son:  you know, Gem, there are aliens flying in some of those meteors
Daughter:  oh, okay.
Mom:  What!?  no.  Grey!


Dad:  I'm cold, what do you guys think, one more meteor and back to bed?
Mom:  that sounds good, it's almost quarter after
Dad:  over that way I saw a whole bunch of little ones
Mom:  but the biggest ones I saw were over here
Dad:  well what are you going for here, size or quantity?
Mom:  I'd take one big one over a bunch of little ones every time
Dad:  that's what she said


Daughter:  oh! I saw one.  it was so fast though
Mom:  must of been, I didn't see it
Daughter: yea, it's all the way to the Dominican Republic now.


Mom:  thanks for watching the meteor shower with us, guys
Dad: that was pretty cool, huh?  that was a lot of shooting stars!
Son:  and a lot of wishes! maybe everything will be mixed up tomorrow
Mom:  because of everyone's wishes coming true?
Son: yea
Daughter:  maybe! I think it will switch all of our beds around
Dad/Mom/Son:  .....
Daughter:  that would be funny.


4:17am

Kid chatter

These two.

They are pretty funny (among other adjectives I could think of - HAH).  Here's a little sampling of the best quotes from them over the past few months that I've been compiling to share. Hope they bring a smile to your face too :)

-----

Gemma slammed her head off the door frame while attempting a gymnastic move and so I was snuggling her

Gemma:  when will my booboo get better? 

Me:  my grandma always said it would get better before you get married 

Gemma:  did you have any booboos when you got married?

Me:  nope, they all got better!

Gemma:  well I know what could make me better right now, true loves kiss

On the second to last Friday in Lent

Greyson:  boy!  Fish sure makes ya fart! 

Singing old macdonald to Violet and the kids were supplying the animals on the farm so I could do their sound in the song. 

Me:  old macdonald had a farm e I e I o

And on his farm he had a...

Gemma:  unicorn! 

Me:  gem. What does a unicorn say?

Gemma:  magical sounds? 

Greyson (whispering to his sister):  I won't tattle tell on you ,okay Gem. 

Greyson (aloud): I spilled the paint downstairs

Dad: did you? 

Greyson:  well I'm not telling on my sister

Me: you write on paper. Not on couches, not on walls, not on your own body, not on the floor. ON PAPER!

Gemma:  Lord in Heaven, help me. 

Me:  Grey! What's that banging sound?

Grey: what sound?

Me: the one that sounds like you're dragging something down the steps

Grey: um, I think it's your imagination.

While sitting at the breakfast table waiting for Brandon to come down dressed for work.
Gemma:  my handsome boy is going to come down soon!

Outside playing:
Gemma (mumbles something)
Greyson:  did she just say 'hell no?'
Me: I hope not, that's a curse
Gemma:  no I said, 'Aww shi...." (Trailing off while looking at me sideways)...I mean oh God!
Me: Gem, still both curses.

While sitting on her grandfather Chum's lap, Gemma spilled half a bottle of water on the both of them
Chum:  Gem!  It's all over my shorts!
Gemma:  Well it's all over MY FEELINGS!!

After Grey refused to apologize nicely to his sister for kicking her in the face on the trampoline
Me:  That's a shame because you know Karma works fast, my friend.  Something bad will happen to you now since you chose to be unkind to your sister.
(about ten minutes later at lunch)
Grey:  what's on my hair? I can see something
Me:  Um, looks like a little spider
-spider jumps down on a web onto Greyson's nose -
Grey:  Mom!
Me: (sweeping it off) Got it.
Grey:  Omigosh, was that the karma?!

Love, Greyson and Gemma

kid survey about their Mumma

There is a kid survey going around the internet that is incredibly sweet (thanks Shelly for sharing it!) The idea is that, without any prompting, you ask your kids each question and write down their responses. 

The thing that maybe is the most endearing part about the stuff that kids say is because there is usually the smallest hint of wisdom to their words - at least if only because it comes from a perspective that adults can't see anymore; we've lost along the path of growing up.

So, here is a bit of sometimes funny, sometimes insightful bits and pieces of what kind of mumma my kids have:

Greyson, age 5
1. What is something mom always says to you?  you are special

2. What makes mom happy? being good

3. What makes mom sad?  being bad

4. How does your mom make you laugh?  she tickles me

5. What was your mom like as a child?  she liked to play kickball

6. How old is your mom?  21

7. How tall is your mom?  shorter than Daddy

8. What is her favorite thing to do?   do exercise

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?  she goes to races

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  talking about the weather

11. What is your mom really good at?  writing and doing letters

12. What is your mom not very good at?  making Violet happy when she's putting her clothes on

13. What does your mom do for a job?  I don't know....what?

14.What is your mom's favorite food?  shrimp

15.What makes you proud of your mom?  when she went in the race

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?  her name would be 'Johnson Fairakin'

17. What do you and your mom do together?  we go on special dates and eat

18. How are you and your mom the same?  we have the same brain

19. How are you and your mom different?  different hair.  and you're bigger than me

20. How do you know your mom loves you?  she always be's nice to me

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?  she just loves him

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?  her sister's house

23. How old was your Mom when you were born?  21



Gemma, age 3
1. What is something mom always says to you?  Don't Yell!

2. What makes mom happy?  make her toast

3. What makes mom sad?  the butterflies flying away

4. How does your mom make you laugh?  make funny things

5. What was your mom like as a child?  she yelled

6. How old is your mom?  3, like me

7. How tall is your mom?  this big (with her arms outstretched)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?  make pizza

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?  Daddy's here then

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  being on Mickey

11. What is your mom really good at?  doing computer things

12. What is your mom not very good at?  doing bad things

13. What does your mom do for a job?  carrying Violet

14.What is your mom's favorite food?  chicken

15.What makes you proud of your mom?  sleeping

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?  Action!

17. What do you and your mom do together?  sleeping and going to the store

18. How are you and your mom the same?  this is taking too long

19. How are you and your mom different?  Mum!

20. How do you know your mom loves you?  her give me snuggas

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?  marrying him, giving him kissas and huggas

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?  to the store

23. How old was your Mom when you were born?  16