What to bring: new baby

I've been a mom with a new baby six times and I have been so very blessed to be on the receiving end of kindness from our friends and family each time. There have been some really helpful moments and other times that good people's good intentions actually made things a little more difficult or exhausting in the first few weeks of bringing home a new baby. 

The most valuable gift I've received as a tired mom of a new baby is free:  grace. Time, space, and understanding from my friends and family that know it's a very special window of time that is so very fleeting and I am free from judgement and expectations from them to be my 'normal' self. Not responding to text messages for a few days are met with forgiveness and love. Last minute change of plans get an encouraging response of understanding. Grace is the very best gift you can extend to a tired mom.

This list below contains the other most helpful gestures we received after having a new baby (from our first to our sixth). So as a friend, family member, or co-worker of a parent with a new baby, I hope you can find some straight forward ideas to help you to be supportive if you choose to do so. 

And maybe some will read this list like I am some kind of Momzilla (expecting too much) or I am ungrateful ("just be thankful for whatever you get") and I normally understand that ...but a new baby (8 weeks and younger) is a very specific bubble of time that is often filled with worry, exhaustion, and actual physical pain - so you can back up off me. And too, remember the cardinal rule of generosity - Give the help that is needed (which is not always the help that is convenient for you or fun or instagrammable...)

 

1. Practical
a. consumable & frequently used items - diapers, wipes, butt cream, baby shampoo, lotion, etc. 
b. gift cards - to places they were registered so they can get anything they are still missing, and it's extra helpful if they are from places that deliver right to their door. 

2. Food
a. ready to eat food- check in first with mom to see if they already have a loaded fridge of food from other visitors. And don't feel like you are held to dinner for your meal - breakfast (like muffins or scones), lunch (wraps or salads), or snacks (trail mix, yogurt, granola bars, etc) are awesome and appreciated food to bring too!
b. frozen meals - if you can deliver it in a throw away container that's even better so they don't have to stress about getting it returned to you. And make sure to include the directions on how to heat it up and any sides that might go well with it too! 
c. gift cards/gift certificates to restaurants - extra win if it can be delivered to the house too! 
d. groceries - especially healthy and yummy perishables like fruits and veggies that they definitely aren't getting from a grocery store trip anytime soon.  Someone brought us watermelon already cut up in bitesize pieces on a super hot day and it was the most perfect thing. 

3.  For mom
a. just-had-a-baby supplies: pads, comfy jammies, slippers, gas-x, nipple cream, etc. Ya know, all the war room supply type stuff. 
b. a special treat from the outside world: like an iced coffee, her favorite candy bar, or a new book/magazine
c. time: to sleep, to shower, to go for a walk all by herself!

4. For siblings 
a. snacks/desserts - you can't go wrong with cereal, fruit snacks, or snack cakes.
b. time - to get attention just for them. Play games, listen to their stories, take them somewhere special.
c. rides/cheering section - offer to take big siblings to practice, games, or extra curriculars 

5. Other unique, thoughtful surprises
a. professional photographs for the new baby or the family
b. text message photo book
c. pet sitting/walking

 

Other things to consider: 

Timing: I fully believe in the Rotten 8 theory (which is completely unscientific and made up out of my own newborn raising exhaustion). But you, as a loving caring friend or family member, have a full 8 weeks to get your kindness in. Because honestly, it isn't until  about week 6-8 that the baby is not needing care every 3 hours round the clock. If you want to fully maximize your lifegiving love to completely exhausted new parents, I'd say weeks 2-3 are the most zombie-induced and mostly everyone else outside of mom&dad has moved on with their lives at that point. So a pick me up/drop during that time is literal gold. 

Recuperation: That momma's body just went through something major no matter how she brought that baby to her home, so remember she might look like she's smiling and 'just fine' but inside she might be suffering through cramps or need to change her sanitary supplies or just need to stare in exhausted silence at Netflix for hours. 

Length of visit: keep it short and sweet unless you are specifically asked to stay. New babies need to eat every three hours around the clock - so if mom is breastfeeding (especially if it's her first baby) she's already stressing about nursing and I would guarantee she does not want an audience and her partner does not want to 'entertain you' while she steps out of the room to feed the baby. Plus, she's exhausted, the baby might get fussy, she has to use the bathroom which can take a solid 15 minutes with all the stuff that needs tended to down there....it's just a total mess.  So keep it short (under an hour) or just do a drop & go, especially in those first four weeks. 

Ask first and then respect their answer: When is a good time for a visit - if at all - maybe just a drop off is better? Can you share your photo of the baby on social media? Do they want you to sanitize your hands before holding the baby? Should you take your shoes off at the door? Adding a new little person to their life is literally one of the biggest, most exciting, most terrifying things that can happen in your life, and even if they aren't new at this - this new baby is brand new to this world. So tread lightly and generously because a parent's exhaustion mixed with anxiety is already a scary place to be.

Any other suggestions to add mommas or daddas? 

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to tired mommas of new babies: give yourself some grace too. This is a fleeting time even if it feels like you are drowning right now. If you need help - reach out to someone you trust. you are loved and  your baby is loved. you can do this. no one could do this job better than you! 

to tired mommas of older babies: girlllllll, I see you. me too. we got this.