the last time

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

I have been famous for asking my friends and family with real bafflement, 'how do you know when you're done having babies!? I can't imagine not having a new baby in my home!"
You guys, I was not kidding at all.

But now, I finally get it.

We are in the very final stretch of awaiting Studerbaby#4 - he will be here by Friday, as he's getting evicted via induction.  At this point in pregnancy, as most mommas will agree, even three days feel much too long to have to wait - but alas, here we are getting things crossed off the to do list and counting down minutes.

No one is counting down more than the mumma, let me tell you.  It felt harder this time for me, whether it's because this is the oldest I've ever been pregnant or if the busy of life with three small kids under six and all of our activities and plans.  I don't know, but it felt like the longest and most uncomfortable and most frustrating pregnancy so far.

Truth be told, I don't 'do' pregnancy well.  I mean, my body does - we have no trouble getting pregnant and then it's a very 'boring' pregnancy in terms of how our little beans have grown(which I am so very grateful).  But mentally, pregnancy and I are not great friends.  I have inappropriate efficiency standards set for myself and pregnancy could care less.  I know I could make it so much easier on myself if I could just loosen up a little and chill - but it's just not in my nature.  So I spend the 9+ months frustrated and fighting against myself to run at standard operation, when my growing belly and pregnancy symptoms make it very difficult to do so. 

It has also seemed incredibly obvious this time that I haven't been able to meet my own parenting standards for our other three little gremlins.  Ya know how us mommas go to bed every night and wonder if we loved our kids enough that day?  Well being pregnant and tired this time around has really highlighted that little worry in my mind each night.  Grey is so very active and there have been times when he's asked me to just play catch with the baseball and I had to flat out tell him that I was too exhausted to get up.  To stand in the yard for more than 3 guys, it's crushed me to not feel like I was giving my best to the other three.  

I'm ready to be all in again - to be able to physically and mentally be all in for the kids and have more patience than I have after a full day of exhaustion and heartburn and lower back pain.  

For awhile now, we've been getting glimpses of what it will be like to grow up with our family, instead of continuing to grow more of our family.  Little flickers of life with kids who can tie their own shoes, and take their own showers, and that don't require a diaper bag.  Big kid personalities that leave us cracking up and proud and worried and excited for all the things they get to learn and experience on their own in the coming years.

We feel so very blessed and excited and in love about getting to do this all one last time, all the baby snuggles and top-of-head-sniffing and first words and steps and clothes that look small enough to fit on the girls' baby dolls.

I'm aware though too that each first for our fourth baby will feel a little bittersweet as it will be graced as the 'last first time.'

We've pulled the crib out of the attic for the last time.
We've made it to the final month of pregnancy for the last time.
The hospital bags are packed for the last time.
we'll head to the hospital to deliver a new baby with that giddy feeling of disbelief, relief, and pure joy for the last time

But finally, the 'last first time' finally feels like something that we are ready to put into a cherished little treasure box.  I'll miss it so much, I have no doubts, nostalgia runs thick inside of my veins naturally, and I am sure I will spend many nights in the future wishing back for the days of diapers and bubbas and crib sheets.  But I also feel a palpable excitement and confidence that we are at the last; the last of the homegrown babies.

Goodness, sweet boy.
we can no longer stand ourselves, we are all so ready to meet you.
the kids have been asking multiple times a day if today is the day you'll come out.
I get daily texts from your grandmas and my best friends that literally only say, 'baby?'
we cannot wait for your birthday, little man.
the amount that you are loved already is staggering.
you, my last little darling.
come see your family.
we love you forever.
even when you get so big,
your mumma. 


  1. I cannot wait to "meet" this sweet little person! Praying for you this week!