the four kids

the big ones

they are the best of friends, they are the worst of friends.  every other minute this is true with our two big ones.  they are either totally obsessed with each other; following each other around, giggling to the point that you want to smack them both, or sitting so closely together their legs are intertwined.  Or they're screaming at each other, "I don't like that!" mocking each other, tattle-telling, or threatening to never play with each other again.

And the noise these two create.  Sweet baby Jesus, the noise.  There is no phrase I say more often during the day then, "please try to be more quiet."  Their regular voice noise level is set at an eight -so any kind of excitement knocks it up to about a fifteen and puts me at risk of sending me over the edge.  I know, someday it will be quiet, I know.  but seriously....it.is.so.very.loud.

They are polar opposites in almost all ways which brings out the lacking part in each other.  Grey gives Gemma the toughness of both body and mind that she could use.  With him, she competes and doesn't back down, and tries things that she'd never choose to do on her own.  And Gem gives Grey a steady baseline, a more normalized heart rate for both his body and mind.  With her, Grey slows down, plays longer, and practices following rather than leading.

faceswap!

the little ones
My squishy ones; Violet with those cheeks and thighs and Rusty with that baby neck that has so many folds it sends me into near sobs at the thought of it disappearing in the future.  Our two little ones are ever so slowly building their own relationship.  They are together often because of their age, as the big ones are off doing some game of strength and endurance , while they're left behind for less intimidating play.

Right now, in this moment, they are both very needy.  Rusty by default needing me for literally everything, and Violet because she's currently stuck in between baby and toddler at 2 months shy of her second birthday.  She wants to do everything by herself, but can't quite just yet - so it's a neediness that requires endless patience for tasks that take two times as long and messes that are twice as big.  I feel lucky though, in some small way, to still be in this stage of being needed so much.  My arms are still full, always full, with our two little ones that require almost everything from me.  At the end of the day, I am drained of energy and patience and nutrients - but it's been replaced with love and snuggles - and that's plenty payment enough.

the boys
we have brothers!  sometimes I find myself in daydreams of seeing the two of them together as they grow up.  Grey often questions us with how old he'll be when Rusty is so and so age.  Today I told him that he will be eleven when Rusty is six and he smiled when I reminded him that it will be just like him and his cousin right now - and how when she plays with him it is so much fun!

Their relationship right now is mostly comprised of Grey getting right up in Rusty's face and making incredibly annoying sounds and laughing maniacally while Rustin furrows his eyebrows...which probably will be some part of their relationship for the rest of time (hah).  Grey is very helpful though with trying to find solutions when Rusty is crying and asks daily for some time to hold him.  I am so excited, and dare I say a little afraid, to see how these two grow together in all their rough, wild, loud, and wrestling boy ways.

the girls
our girls.  I am so grateful that our girls have a sister.  Of all the things from my childhood that I am thankful for, my sisters are the greatest.  The girls, as it seems in this present moment, are just the right amounts alike and different from each other for a mostly peaceful friendship.  They are already sharing make-up, and shoes, and clothes and whispering to each other between their bed slats before bed.  Hours will pass as they play baby dolls or hair/make-up salon together.  They hold hands and snuggle and read books together.  Granted, they also get into high pitched screaming battles over who gets to have a particular baby doll or purse first - but for the most part, it is a relationship full of twirls and giggles and squeals.

I imagine them through the only lens I have of my relationship with my own sisters and it brings so much happiness and gratitude to my heart.  A lifetime of support and a shoulder to lean into and a person who will catch all their secrets, and wishes, and fears.  I look forward to a motherhood of seeing them exchange a full conversation in a glance - and even though I'm not privy to what that conversation might be unless they decide to include me - I'm content knowing that they have each other.

the skips
Brandon and I have started calling Gemma&Rustin and Greyson&Violet The Skips, because they're the pairings with skipping a kid between them in birth order.  The Skips configuration comes up time and time again because it appears that it's both convenient (one big kid and one little kid) but also The Skips have similar personalities too.

Gemma and Rusty are our current snugglers and slow and steady kids.  Gemma is my little momma and she would be blissfully happy to take over for me when it comes to Rustin.  She daydreams and talks about someday in the future when she'll be a momma and have to feed, change, and carry babies all day.  She snuggles up and reads, sings, and talks sweetly to Rustin any chance she gets.  She's my right hand man all day long and Rusty seems to trust her more than any of the other kids when it comes to holding him.  He relaxes with her and listens to her voice intently.  Gemma needs someone to love and cherish and as the baby of the family, Rusty will need someone to turn to when it feels like everyone is leaving him out and teasing him.  They are just what the other one needed in our family dynamics and I am so glad for that.  These two are our sweet skips.

While Greyson and Violet are our wild skips.  Violet brings something out in Greyson that makes me feel utterly grateful.  He loosens up a little bit and belly laughs at almost everything she does.  But she's tough enough to play rough with him and stares at him with eyes full of admiration that his ego appreciates and craves.  She knows, already at 22 months, that her Booboo will do just about anything she asks - even calling out to him when Brandon and I tell her no.  They play chase, catch, and kick together.  They are similarly athletic, competitive and independent.  Greyson loves to 'baby' Violet and Violet loves to accept his attention and then in the next moment they're pretend fighting or chasing each other; fluctuating between the two extremes of big brother/baby sister - and equals like it's no big deal.  Their little minds seems to buzz on the same frequency and I can't wait to marvel and laugh at their friendship as they grow up together. 

I recently read Mary Louise Parker's Dear Mr. You and one of the lines from one of my favorite letters inside (Dear Future Man Who Loves my Daughter), she wrote about her kids, 

"I want them to take comfort in the fact that they share a mother that is only theirs, and a childhood as wild and special as they are.  I need them to have each other.  It's almost all I need."

Yes, it is almost all I need.

A lifetime of finding selfies of all four them on my camera roll will bring joy to my mother's heart

to know 

that they know 

they always have each other. 

my favorite photo from 2015

There are all kinds of mommas out there.  Some of us are really great at helping out at school and bringing in the best classroom snacks.  Some of us moms can clean and organize like nobody's business.  Some of us plan amazing parties, and some of us seem to balance it all effortlessly.  It takes all kinds of us mommas - so be proud of whatever it is that you bring to your village!

Personally, I'm the kind of mom that has her camera or phone out to snap pictures of the big events and of the everyday normal, boring stuff.  Our family yearbook is one of my very favorite things to create and is the biggest motivation to have my camera ready to snag the photos of what our days feel like right in this moment of very young kids where the days pass by in a bizarre and loud blur.  I'm the girl receiving regular reminders that my phone storage is low due to photo capacity.

When I was happily browsing Social Print Studio and daydreaming about my next purchase, I started wondering about choosing a single favorite photo from 2015.  I mean, could it even be done, just one single favorite photo?

I took a lot of photos that I really love over the course of 2015, it was a big one for us, after all.  We traveled to the Dominican Republic for a family vacation, we celebrated our baby's first birthday, our son started Kindergarten...it was a record year!  Even though I have loved tons of pictures from last year, it didn't take more than a few minutes to zero in on the number one favorite capture.  Out of all of those major events, my favorite photo actually comes from a regular moment on a regular day with our two girls.

I am one of three sisters, and for all my life, I will be grateful to be a sister of sisters.  For all my life, I will be grateful to be a mother of sisters.  A complete dialogue of a secret, silent language occurs within a glimpse between sisters.  Our husbands sit among us with furrowed eyebrows as the three of us hold entire conversations without ever finishing a sentence in it's entirety.

As with all siblings, there is a loyalty that runs deeper than comprehension, born into our bones through shared DNA and childhood memories.  But with sisters, that loyalty is laced with understanding and empathy and forgiveness.  I see this already in our girls at only four and a year and a half and my heart swells with joy and relief.  They will always have each other, and hopefully they'll also adopt their, future cousins and sisters-in-law into their little circle of giggling and shared desserts and unfinished sentences.

That's what this photo shines out for me; that secret language between sisters.  The mutual admiration and love and reverence that sisters extend to each other.  I imagine I will spend the rest of my life looking out at our two girls sharing a glance just as this one and I'll understand that secrets are being passed, even though I'll never quite know exactly what those secrets are without asking.  And that's just fine, because I'm content in knowing that they have each other, that I have a lifetime of motherhood to watch their relationship grow and flourish.
Our girls.
I will love this photo forever.

--

I have been a fan of Social Print Studio for a few years now, they have excellent products and make ordering prints of all of those instagram photos that tend to get stuck in cyberspace rather than printed super easy.  For two years, I have created and printed a collage of twelve of my favorite photos for the year to display in our staircase photo wall.  And the mini square prints are perfect to tack into our kids' baby books of all those magical little moments that is kind of what instagram photos are for.   One of my favorite and most unique Christmas gifts was the tearaway calendar that my brother in law gifted me once.  All of these thoughts are my own, and seriously, check them out - I can promise you that SPS is awesome.


ps. scf, i love you.

Violet and the adventure baby shoes

Dear Violet,

Last night as we were winding down for bed, your big brother Grey had found one of your tiny sneakers in the big kids' room and set off to your room to put it away.  About ten minutes later, I went in to collect your siblings and found the both of them in the corner of your room organizing baby shoes.

There are two quick things you should know, honey.  First we have a lot of baby shoes because you are blessed to have an older sister, older girl cousins, and a best friend that has passed down their clothes and shoes to you.  Second, you're the third baby which means you rarely ever wear pants, let alone shoes.  (sorry - I promise this will change when you learn how to use your feet, hah)

So anyway, the kids were matching up these little shoes - which had previously been stockpiled in your sock drawer - and also talking about all the occasions on which their baby sister was going to be wearing each pair of shoes.

Greyson:  These shoes are for going to fun places with Gigi and Pappy.  And these shoes are for, ya know, visiting cowboys...?
Gemma (nodding):  mmhmm.  yep.
Greyson:  These shoes, here, are for crawling in our yard, and these ones are for church.
Gemma:  These shoes are for dance parties!
Greyson:  And these ones are for having a sleepover at Abba and Chums - ya know, when she gets bigger and can fit them.
Gemma:  Yea!  And these ones are for the beach
Greyson:  These ones are for walking in the mud.  And these ones are for, like...ya know, going to beautiful places.
.

I sat in our rocking chair, holding you and listening to your brother and sister going on and on about all the amazing places and things you'll do.  There you were snuggled up in your onesie (no pants!) dreaming the sweet dreams of a baby with a belly full of milk - and their little minds were daydreaming about you and your adventure baby shoes. 

In small moments like last night, I am overcome with gratitude.

Thankful to get to be the mumma to wonderful, imaginative, and funny kids.

So very very grateful that you will always have one another

...to learn from each other

...to stand beside each other

...to go on adventures together

....even to visit with cowboys, 

or go to dance parties, 

and hopefully most of all to go to, 

ya know, beautiful places.  

No matter where your adventure shoes take you in your whole life, Violet girl, know that they can always, always bring you back home.  

we love you, Lettie bug.
forever and ever.
even when you get so big.
mumma

Our preparations for baby #3

Our new baby sister is due to arrive this month, and we can all hardly wait to meet her.  We've been busy the past 9 months getting ready for our third child, being as intentional as possible to try to make the transition from two kids to three goes as smoothly as possible.  We care a lot (A LOT) about our kids being siblings who are friends and who feel accountable to one another - and we know that those bonds are created from the very start.  

So here's what we've been doing to intentionally prepare for our third baby!

Bedtime stories:  we've been rotating in our favorite sibling books into our bedtime reading over the last few months as reminders of how much fun, how confusing, and how great having brothers and sisters can be.  Our favorites are:  Chloe, Instead by Micah Player, Peter's Chair by Ezra Jack Keats, The New Baby by Mercer Mayer, Maggie's Monkeys by Linda Sellers-Wells and Abby Carter, and If Big Can, I Can by Beth Shoshan.

House arrangements:  We have a three bedroom house, which means it is time to make room for a newborn!  We announced to the kids that they would be sharing a room and getting bunk beds in June (a full four months before their sister is set to arrive).  We wanted to make sure that our two biggest kids felt like the move was all about them - not that they were being kicked together for the new girl.  The bunks have been a H.U.G.E. hit (they're obsessed) and we have settled into a new comfortable bedtime routine with them in the same room together.

This also gave us a chance to tackle some toy clutter to make sure all their 'big kid' toys could fit in their room.  Most of the toys are all together mixed (we try not to distinguish things as specifically 'girl' or 'boy' toys) and we left most of the floor space wide open in the middle for playing, dancing, and ninja fighting moves.  

 

As in years past, we also pull out the baby equipment weeks in advance to get everyone comfortable with the new items that will take up space in our house. The baby swing has had a home in our living room for the last month and half and the bassinet is up in our bedroom as well.  The kids were enlisted in helping to bring down (from the attic) all of the baby's stuff so they could ask questions about it, help set it up, and even help dust/clean them off!

The kids helped unpack our baby hand-me-down clothes we talked about how small everything is and how they used to fit in the clothes when they were tiny.  Greyson helped me pick out our new diaper bag online (he chose a red&blue one) and the kids helped organize the baby's bookcase of board books and soft toys.  They both helped Daddy vacuum and clean the truck and we installed her car seat last week so that Grey and Gemma have the next few weeks to get used to the new backseat arrangement (Grey's booster carseat in the middle between the two girls since he knows how to buckle himself).  

With all the normal preparations that need done to get ready for a new baby - we are trying to include them as much as possible (even though it takes twice as long) so that they feel like we are ALL getting ready for her. 

The nursery is all set and ready to go as well.  We left the guest bed in the room as a way to, hopefully, include the kids in upcoming bedtimes or nursing.  I'm hoping the kids and I can all be together (especially during the upcoming basketball season) in the baby's room reading books while she nurses before bed and then the two big ones and I will move over to their room for bedtime afterward.  (Update on the success -or not- of this to come post-baby arrival!) 

Grey was happy to make a family portrait for his new sister too so that she'd know who was in her family and who would love her forever.  It was the perfect addition to her room.  He was pretty proud of it. 

Baby Care Practice:  We have been periodically showing the kids how we will need to take care of our new baby when she comes home with us with the kids.  They have practiced diapering, swaddling, and even wearing the baby bjorn and pretend vacuuming (hahha!)  The kids know that their baby sister will mostly eat and sleep at first and she won't be able to do a lot of things; that we'll need to teach her as a family how to do everything!  The Baby Care Practice with the kids was even the inspiration for our Baby Raising Competition to celebrate our new sister! 

 

Both Grey and Gem have been practicing books that they can 'read' to our new baby sis as well.  We've talked about how she can hear us in my belly, so they often will come up to my belly and whisper hilarious little things to her like "Hey Baby Sis, what are you doing in there?" (Greyson) and "Hi Baby, Come Out Now!" (Gemma).  They like kissing my belly and telling her they love her.  This is one of the kids favorite things for me to tell them right now (usually on car rides):

Me:  "After our baby sister gets born, you will come to the hospital to visit her and she will be so happy to hear you!  She'll think, 'Hey!  I know that voice, that must be my big brother!  He was reading to me when I was in my Mom's belly!' and she'll say, 'Hey!  I know that voice too, that must be my big sister!  She sang to me and gave me so many kisses!"

Grey:  "What will she say when she hears you and Dad?"

Me:  "She'll probably think, 'Oh, I know those voices.  That's my Mumma and Daddy and they are here to take care of me.  I love my family!"

Grey:  "What about when she hears Bully and Trixie bark?"

Me:  "Yep!  She'll say, 'Hey, those sound like my crazy pups!  I can't wait to get kisses from them!'  But we'll need to teach her how to touch the dogs nicely, because she won't know that you have pet them gently.  Will you guys show her how to do that too?"

Big Brother/Big Sister Class:  the kids got to attend an awesome class hosted by the hospital that our new sis will be delivered.  They got name tags and a tour of where they'll come to meet their sis.  We even got to see a real newborn in the nursery and check out the belly button and all her bracelets and what they are for.   

The nurses had us try formula (Grey drank it down like a champ!) and we diapered and swaddled baby dolls.  It was a lot of fun for them to meet other soon-to-be big bros/sisters too.  The nurses took their pictures too and they will be hung in the nursery when our little sis comes to place inside of her bassinet so that "your new baby will be able to see your picture even when you have to go home after visiting!"  (commence me openly tearing up in the class - hhahaha!)

Birthday talk:  With a four and a 2 year old, is there a greater celebration than a birthday?  No.  So we talk a lot about how when our new sister gets born it will be her birthday.  We have been counting down the weeks in our make-shift countdown charts to color the fruit/veggie size of our baby sister for that week.  Grey likes counting how many more weeks though until 40 when it will officially be our sister's birthday!

Aunt Uch has been enlisted to take care of the kids while we are at the hospital and she is in charge of bringing the two big ones and a little cake in to meet her.  We are planning on singing Happy Birthday and having our own little family celebration together for her very first birthday.  We regularly talk about who has a birthday next and now they know that the answer is Our Baby Sister!

Remembering when our first two were babies:  We have also tried to focus on when our first two were babies.  They love looking at pictures in our yearbooks and in their Text Message books from Aunt Kitty when they were babies.  They love hearing stories about what their Dad and I said when we first saw them and what they looked like when they were first born.  Grey likes to ask, "Why did you love me so much when I was a baby?"  To which I answer, "I love you so much even now when you're big and when you get as big as Daddy too because you'll always be a baby to me."  He actually recently told a friend at church that "My Mom will call me her baby even when I get as big as you!"

Celebrating the things they can do as big kids:  We try to notice and celebrate the kids in the things that they can do now that they are bigger.  We have always encouraged our kids to be independent as they are ready (dressing themselves, taking on chores like feeding the dogs and folding washcloths, etc) and we like to announce when we see our kids doing things that they have learned to do better as they get big.  We talk a lot about choosing to be helpful and how it's exciting and fun when we learn to do things like a big kid.  Grey has some frustration watching his sister do things that he can do too (he prefers being able to do things that she can't yet), so we have to make sure to point out the things that they are each learning how to do separately by age and by preference.

We have tried to still keep doing things that our kids can do now that may be a little more difficult to do when the new baby arrives.  We have made recent trips to the zoo, local parks & playgrounds, and trying to spend lots of time together as just the four (and a half!) of us.   We know in the first few weeks of the baby, we will be surrounded by friends and family, many times with the kids going out on adventures with their grandparents while Mum and the new baby get rest (we are so blessed for this) and there will be an adjustment period of a lot of coming & going.  So right now, we are trying to focus on all the things we can do in the last weeks of just two.

Discussions about family and taking care of each other:  We are always pulling out Preschool Cartoon talk when discussing our family - saying things like, "Because we are a family and we take care of one another."  and "You are being a great big brother/little sister by sharing/helping/giving space/speaking nicely...etc"  We have been including our baby sister in this  talk for the last few months as well, saying things like, "Our baby sister is so lucky to have a big brother and sister who will help teach her new things!  What do you want to teach her?"  

We have also been intentional about talking about ways our lives will be different (and how they are already different) with a new family member.  The kids know that I have less energy and lap room(!) with our baby sister growing in our belly and that they need to be careful with me during wrestling matches.  They are both fairly helpful with cleaning up (when asked) and helping with chores - Grey likes to say during this "Mum, Look at what great kids you have!"  When we talk about chores and helping each other, our standard response is, "Because we are a family and we all have to work together."

We talk a lot about Hard Days and how we all get them (even Mum and Dad) and how when someone is having a hard day we sometimes have to give them space and try our best not to tease them.  That there are ways to talk to each other kindly that is much easier than screaming and whining.  I just read about a Calm Down Codeword which I hope to incorporate in our family immediately to help us prepare for Hard Days with our new baby sister too.  

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We have wanted very much to try to make the arrival of our new baby sister as intentional as possible for our young kids.  We wanted to feel like we are awaiting the arrival of something inevitable; another person in our family; to make it feel like a person who has been missing yet is coming home to us.  Like finally we are getting this person that we've all been waiting for!  

Until then though, we will keep talking about her and being grateful that she is part of our family already - and soon she'll actually be out here in the world with us!  As we tell our kids, "How lucky we are to have our family!" 

Studerbaby#3 gender reveal

Of all the discoveries during Screen Free Week, the best, biggest, and most wonderful was our third Studerbaby's gender reveal.  We had our appointment on Tuesday morning and Brandon and I were all jittery nerves in the waiting room.  We got into the ultrasound room and watched with unreasonably proud hearts as our baby kicked and the technician declared, the baby weighs 11oz; that's perfect.  Finally she asked, "If I can tell, do you want to know the gender?" and we both hesitated for a moment until B said, "Yes."

For all 19 weeks of the pregnancy, I have felt it was a resounding boy.  I have been combing through boy's names and imagining the three kids all together playing and it was always with Grey, Gem and a baby brother.  Brandon was not so sure and wobbled between the two.  And then, we found out...

and I was overjoyed.  A wave of excitement and gratitude washed over me and all I could think was, "a baby sis for Gemmi."  Having sisters was possibly the most grateful childhood memory I have and I am so happy that Gem will get to have a sister to confide, laugh, and learn with as the two of them grow up together.  Now when I imagine my three kids together; it is with my two daughters (ah!  my two daughters!!) holding hands and serenely following around our wild, running boy.

After B got home from work, we got the kids together and told them we had something exciting to tell them.  When Brandon paused after saying, "Our new baby is a....." Grey got a big smile on his face and chanted, "Please say a boy!  Please say a boy!"  B and I gave each other a quick, worried glance before he said, "A Girl!"  Grey's face look defeated enough that my heart broke a little for him and then he said, "Well, Okay."  He laid down on B's shoulder and I told him it was alright if he wanted to cry a little.  He declared, "No, I don't have to." and has now since been telling everyone "Now we'll have two crazy little girls!"  He has also seemed to realize it will still just be him and Daddy doing 'boy' things together with no other intruders and that seems to give him a nice consolation.*

Since he's been practicing writing his letters, we had him write down the word "Girl" on cut-out paper hearts to tell our immediate family and then we went to their houses and Dad's work to hand deliver Grey's note to them that night.  Despite the fact that the grandparents all know we are having another baby and would be thrilled if we were having either gender - they're reactions were all amazing and hilarious.  Of the six family members we told; 4 of them thought it was a boy (Chum, Gigi, Pappy, and Uch).  Only my mum and Mimi thought it was a girl (but not even they were sure).

Kayla found out just a day ago, as she has now returned from Italy from her honeymoon (a post on her amazing wedding forthcoming).  We got to chat via facetime yesterday and per usual Aunt Kitty style, she had happy tears about it.  hahhha.

It was so nice to find out during Screen Free week when we were intentionally avoiding over-sharing.  I am no stranger to sharing everything in our life (hello, blog readers!!) and so this was a moment that we got a chance to enjoy and keep this secret for a whole week before telling everyone.  It was somehow a little more magical by not letting the whole world now right at that moment (even though it was tempting) - it was just ours to enjoy for a little while.

So now we are busy manically searching girls names and sorting through Gemmi & Sophia's hand-me-down clothes to prepare for this new baby girl.  Gah, a baby girl.  We all just cannot wait to meet this baby.

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*a few weeks ago, Greyson and I watched that video of the little boy finding out he would be having another sister together.  Afterwards, we talked about how it wasn't very nice the way the boy was acting and talking about his own sisters and girls.

Grey decided that he definitely would NOT do that if we found out we were having a sister and that he would just say, "That's alright that we having a sis."  We talked about too the good things about having a sister instead of a brother (like being the only boy with Daddy and that he already has a sister and how much fun it is to play with her).

I think talking about the possibility of it being a girl (and not exactly what he may have hoped for) was really good for his age.  Grey was visibly disappointed at first, but we had already talked about it feeling a little sad if we were wrong or having a girl instead of a boy, so he already had practiced the words he would say which would also start the process of feeling better about it.

We also regularly do a lot of talking about speaking nicely to and about our family and friends and how lucky we are to have people that love us.  So although he was disappointed after the immediate announcement, his rebound time was amazing and I am so proud of him.  He is such an amazing big brother; our girls are so very lucky to have him.