I hope my blogging disappearance makes a little more sense now. I am just now, at a little more than twelve weeks, drudging out of the exhaustive first trimester. I mean, you guys, seriously. Maybe I'm a super big crybaby or maybe it's fourth baby pregnancy with three other kids to take care of - but I've been dead tired for the past few weeks.
I was staring longingly at my laptop all like Adele, 'Hello, it's me,' but that's about as much energy as I could muster...literally glancing over at my keyboard and feeling guilty was as much as I could give. #sadbuttrue. So my apologies, dear friends. I thank you so much for sticking around.
Miraculously despite being up half the night with a sick son, today is the first day that I felt the weight of first trimester exhaustion lift from my shoulders. You know that feeling, it's a real noticeable difference when you become a normal operating person again. I was just saying to my sister the other day when I was still blanketed in tired that maybe my lack of motivation and tiredness was just the new me, that'd I'd never feel energized again. I knew this was not true, as my fourth time through this, but you guys, after weeks, it can feel like that. (so to all you first time mommas, hang in there! you'll get back to normal energy levels again!)
Now back to the matter at hand, ahem, the bun in my oven.
We figured out we were pregnant in the same way as we have for the past two pregnancies, Bullet told us. As soon as he is aware which is usually about two weeks before I can even take a pregnancy test (dogs are amazing), he gets all protective and weird around me; constantly wanting to be by my side and sleeping right next to me.
There are lots of stories out there about people's reactions to big families, but we cannot be included in the group that gets met with judgement, and we are so very grateful for that. It has been such a reminder to me how beautiful it is to raise our kids up in a community (both physically and metaphorically) of people that celebrate joy with us, with our kids. It teaches them (and reminds us) to do the same when we see happiness and joy in our life - it is to be celebrated! not judged, or compared, or to make us jealous. Shared joy is double joy, after all. (thank you all for that).
Our studerbaby #4's due date is June 7th and we've started our official rounds of doctor's appointments and necessary steps to keeping this baby safe and growing. I'm blessed again this time around to have my cousin Meg as our midwife. I cannot explain what a comfort and relief it is to have her with me every step of the way. She is amazing and so patient with any questions or weird texts I send her. (thank you, Meg). At my first consultation one of the nurses was going over the list of pregnancy reminders including, 'don't pick up more than 25lbs' as I was standing there holding Violet and Gemma was asking to be held next. She and I made eye contact on that one and then both started laughing. So she quickly followed that reminder up with, 'well, at least use good body mechanics.' #pregnantmomofthreeprobs
This is the first time in four times that it feels like we've made it to our family, at least what our family is in terms of homegrown kids. It's the first time that the thought of not having a new baby in the house after this one isn't sad anymore, it's kind of thrilling and exciting to imagine our family as growing older together, instead of growing bigger in size. For a long time, I was notorious for saying, 'I don't know how you know when you're done having babies?!' but now it feels like I know, it feels like this. like contentment, like fullness, like the someone we've been waiting for.
|photo credit: Carissa Merriman|