So you think you want a big family?

 As a family of eight, we are well seated in the 'big family' category. I've literally never gone to a place with all my kids where a stranger has not said to me, "My, don't you have your hands full." When I was a little girl I daydreamed about having six kids (true story!) but after four actual real human children, my husband and I were pretty sure we were done. And then our fifth surprised us and just 13 months later out popped the sixth - so here we are in the reality that was manifested by seven year old Tabitha! 

Lots of people have lots of different feelings about big families. Sometimes it looks nightmareish and some people think it's a built in party = fun! Well, if you've ever wondered if you're cut out for a big family - here's my top ten list of things to consider before you hop on the big family circus train. 

1. laundry. 
this is number one on the list because honestly, imagining laundry for more people in your home might be the tipping point for a lot of parents. laundry is a terrible chore all the time no matter if its just only your own personal clothes or a regular sized family. think of how it makes you feel to look at a hamper full of laundry (dirty or clean, haha! doesn't matter)…now multiply it by 6. (bonus round: misplaced socks!)

2. general life standards
Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about my little 1-bedroom apartment I had in Brooklyn when I was living on my own right after college. Gosh, you could have eaten off of my bathroom floor it was so clean and tidy. Now, we literally call the dog in to clean the spilled dinner off the kitchen floor each night. Standards for things that are not crucial to daily survival are way down when you have a big family. Our vehicles have snacks, water bottles, and sports bags stashed in them. We have a hygiene day for the boys and the girls so I know at least, for sure everyone had a proper shower and nails clipped (!hahaha, they bathe more than that, but at least I'm sure because of hygiene day). My response to text messages is horrendous (apologies to all my loved ones). We have misplaced papers, expired gift cards, and appliances that desperately need deep cleaned...but perfection is too grand an aspiration when you have a big family. So you figure out what standards you can live with lowering and you run with it. 

3. worry prioritizing
As an adult/parent the list of things that are on your mind can be endless. As a big family parent, the same is true - but you can only ever occupy your mind space with like the first 10 on the list. The worry list changes every day depending on what's going on; a sick kid shoots to number 1 or no snacks for the lunch boxes usually holds strong at a 6 or a friend's birthday gift for their party this weekend sometimes makes it to spot 9 on the list. But things like purchasing new curtains for the living room or fixing that cracked light switch face plate never make it even to the top 10. It's not that I don't know all those things need done, I just don't have the brain space to care unless it's higher on the list. So for sanity's sake, if it seems like big family parents are so laid back, it's because we literally only have brain capacity to hold a top 10 worry list for every day and everything else that's stressing you out has been temporarily erased from our mind. 

4. noise level volume 10
it's very loud with this many people in your home. Our fifth baby actually cried for two days straight in the hospital when he was first born. We brought him home and within minutes of being in this loud environment that he was used to hearing in the womb, he was happy and content. It's loud when everyone is happy and it's loud if anyone is angry. It's loud if we're all in the same room and it's definitely loud when we are all spread out throughout the house and yard. You get used to the noise and the movement for the most part....when it's quiet - that's when you get worried. 

5. kid attention
I generally feel like there's not enough of me to go around - but I think that's how most parents feel no matter how many kids they have. Did I look everyone in the face today? Did I hug everyone today? Do I know what each kid did today that made them feel happy or sad? But being a big family has also taught me that I don't have to bear the weight of this one on my own. The kids take care of each other too. Each of them have a sibling who brings out their silliness or tenderness or can keep their secrets. And because we rely on our friends and family so much to get through this life (we have to as a big family!) our kids also know they have people in their life they can go to for a listening ear or an encouraging high five. I still go to bed tallying all the ways I had one on one time with each kid, but it's not weighted down with guilt in the ways I couldn't do it; it's carried in gratitude to know that they had each other to lean into too. 

6. meals
How do we feed them all? Hah! Sometimes I don't know. I do a lot of 'shelf shopping' to make ingredients we already have into full blown meals. LOTS of side dishes (that's the secret to stretching dinner). We have certain staples in the house for the non-stop hunger (sandwich supplies, fruit, salad ingredients). We have chickens that supply eggs and we've added a garden to supplement veggies. We keep our freezer full of locally purchased pork, beef, and deer meat. I meal plan before shopping. We always eat leftovers. Everyone drinks a lot of water. Let's just say, if you are not up for a very intense relationship with grocery shopping, cooking, and inventory of food every week- you might want to reconsider a big family. 

7. the calendar
the who-where-when logistics of a big family can make your head feel like its on backwards. Normal requirements alone can be difficult: well checks, eye, chiropractor, and dentist appointments (we try to double and triple up doctors or dentist appointments if possible) then add in activities (sports, clubs, meetings) - the calendar gets swallowed up and you have to get creative on how everyone is getting to where they are supposed to be and when everyone is going to eat, bathe, and finish their homework. A big family momma cannot survive without a master calendar, so get yourself some cute pens and get color-coding baby. 

8. your 'bedroom' is always a topic for discussion
It literally comes up in almost every conversation we have with anyone who sees us all together or who finds out we have a big family. Sex is generally not a topic that a co-worker feels comfortable bringing up or ya know, some random deli guy who is slicing up the swiss cheese - but have a big family and you wouldn't believe who thinks they get permission to ask if "you guys know how this works?" or "doesn't he ever sleep on the couch?" or "maybe you need to get a new hobby" 

9. divide and conquer method
I haven't been to the grocery store by myself in literal years; if there's an errand to run - a kid or two comes both to help and to alleviate the number of kids at home with the other parent. One parent does the bath while the other does the drying/lotioning/jammie'ing. It also means older siblings changing diapers and getting drinks, and younger siblings hanging out at practices. It's calling in extended family like grandparents and aunts/uncles to make sure there's one familiar face in the stands. With a big family, no one is going to get to do all the things, so we try to make it as fair as possible and we all come back to huddle up to make a game plan to try again the next week. 

10. Money
We go without because at the bottom line, raising kids is expensive as heck. My childless cousin once joked that he was going to get one of those stick people car decals that included him and his wife and then instead of children - just bags of money. I laughed for a solid five minutes because that's funny and also accurate. As a big family we have to make "sacrifices" because with every kid comes more expenses - this is no secret. But I say "sacrifices" in quotes because most of the time it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. The kids don't mind wearing handmedowns from older cousins who they want to emulate anyway. We may not be going on a big elaborate vacation with all the fancy room service and airplane ride, but we stayed up until after midnight laughing and roasting marshmallows at the lake a few minutes down the road and then got up and went sunrise kayaking together. Everyone has to share a room with siblings, but they have someone to whisper and giggle with before bed while mom and dad give them another warning to go to sleep already! We don't have a brand new car, but we have our busted minivan that has a name (Sheila!) and every single one of their friends recognize and calls her by such. Brandon and I are always wishing for more money to sprinkle in parts of our life - it would be great to get that house project done, or pay off that car loan....but we live within our means to make sure that we don't get a spot that money (or lack of) is an actual source of stress. We live simply but fully - and that trickles down to the kids too. We aren't rich in money, but we sure are rich in almost everything else. 

At the end of the day, if you have a big family - you can't imagine living any other way. The noise and the mess and the madness is all secondary to the overwhelming love and joy. Each person brings out a little something different and special in each other. There is always someone to talk to, or listen hanging around, and the inside jokes are so deep and plentiful that it's hard to stay mad at any one person because another funny, embarrassing, or silly thing is always just about to happen. 

The motherhood mantra that gets me through one day of a big family to the next is credited to Nora Roberts. I read this quote a few years ago and it has literally been my saving grace on days that I am overwhelmed with big family raising...

"...the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic and some are made of glass." 

I think being a big family parent requires you to be able to see super clearly which balls are plastic and which balls are glass.