a dream about Gram

Early this morning, I had a dream,

I was at Gram and Pap's (my dad's mom & dad), out on the porch and I had the feeling that Gram was in the house.  I couldn't see or hear her, but I knew she was inside.  I opened the door and saw her in the dining room and she was looking at me smiling.

We walked toward each other, in her old house (I say old because my parents live in that house now but it's been remodeled with walls removed for an open floor plan design - but the house was like it was before when my grandparents lived in it in the dream), me walking from the kitchen along the wall on the right next to the table and her from the dining room through the little hallway near the basement door.  

We met in the kitchen right in front of the doorway to the living room and I went in for the diagonal hug because I knew that'd be the tightest grip.  Swooping my left arm under her arm and my right arm up around her neck, we stood there hugging closely with no intent of separating within normal release time.  

I know that there were cousins in the kitchen with us.  My sister was talking to me about a trip to Japan and then I also understood it to be my cousin Janell too - you know how dreams can be like that.  It's someone speaking to you, but also so clearly someone else and it's no big deal.  (In real life, our cousins Adam and Lea really did just visit Japan and my sister is getting ready to move to another country with her husband - not Japan, but still.  And maybe, Janell (hi!), maybe you have a big unknown trip coming up too?  I don't know - somehow you're connected to that little bit of my dream.) 

So, still hugging Gram with my head comfortably resting near her shoulder: my face sort of nestled in her hair, 
she says to me, "So what are you now, Tabi, seven?" 
(she's one of the very few people on this Earth that consistently called me Tabi) 
And I answered her, "Yep, Seven now.  But just freshly seven."  
And she, "Well, remember to treat yourself as such." 

And then,

"Mumma."
And just like a wave through a cloud of smoke, the whole scene faded away and I turned over to see Gemma standing next to our bed.
"Come lay with me please, Mum."
and me, "Okay, babe, come on."

We walked down the hallway to the girls' room, I rubbed Violet's back and adjusted her blanket.  Got Gemma settled into her bed and tucked her in close and all along didn't feel any disappointment or resentment that the dream had been cut short by a little voice at the side of my bed, because I couldn't help but think that Gram would never have chided an interruption from a little soul.

See, my Gram is sort of my Motherhood Guardian Angel in my little made up idea of where I try to pull strength.  She was the momma of five and grandma of eleven and she just appeared (at least to me for the 23 years I got to know her) as though she had this motherhood and nurturing thing down. I'm sure she struggled and felt like she was getting it all wrong sometimes too - but she always seemed to have enough love and patience to go around for all of us - and anyone who came to her home family or not- and I'd like to be like that too.

I only felt grateful for that tight hug and the few words we shared in the dream at all. I laid next to Gem while she drifted off to sleep trying to hold on to the dream so that the details wouldn't float away like dreams have a tendency to do.  You wake up in the morning and the sunshine has a way of making everything seem silly and a little hazy.  So I went back and retraced my dream steps and wondered about why she would have asked if I was seven and why I would have agreed to that.  In the dream I was an adult - I was me, right now, and somehow - again customary to dreams sometimes - I kind of new I was dreaming, or at the very least that it was not reality, because I was aware it was a real gift to see Gram.

I decided in that dark room with the sound of my girls rhythmic breath in their sound sleep that Gram had meant was I seven years old as a mother?  Which I am; freshly seven years old in my motherhood.  And it's been feeling a little rocky lately - especially with my seven year who overnight appears to have become 'too cool' for everything and quite frankly a little mouthy.  I've been feeling frustrated and not the kind of Mum I want to be; snapping too quickly, forgetting that he's only seven but still trying to balance with him that he is seven (!) and our oldest and cannot be a spoiled brat and disrespectful.  ya know - regular parenting dilemmas.

In the dream, Gram had said, "well, remember to treat yourself as such." Treat myself like I'm only freshly seven.  I think she was giving me a reminder that I too, in my motherhood, am only young at this.  I'm not going to have all of the answers and I'm going to get things wrong and be a little quick to snap.  But also, I'm seven (!) and I do have little tips and tricks in my motherhood back pocket - and I'm more aware of when and how to reset the day when we all need to.  Basically; give myself a little break, but stay vigilant to trying your best, and let love be the root.

So, the step in my motherhood skip today is a little lighter because of that rejuvenating hug from Gram, even if only in the cushioned, soft hazes of a dream.

thank you, gram.
i miss you every single day.
tabi