The five year plan, Part III

Impossibly and miraculously, I have made it past another five year mark in writing on the blog and it's time to revisit and revise the good 'ole five year plan.

Previous five year posts - gosh how I loved going back to hear my own voice in those posts captured right at that time in our lives. Seems like a different world but also certainly not five years ago - how time passes will never make sense to me. 

The five year plan: 2020
The five year plan: 2012

When I was 36 in 2020, I sent out these hopes for me and here's how they've shaken out: 

• you will not have moved but found a way to make this home and space more of what you want - yes! updated the living room, found private spaces for the biggest kids, re-did the basement into a den, added a basketball court outside! All projects I never could have even anticipated wanting or needing five years ago. 
• you will have more farm animals (goats? sheep? ducks?) - yes! currently at 6 goats, 30 chickens, 2 kittens, our 16 year old dog Bullet, and our guardian dog Osa! 
• you will WRITE THE DAMN BOOK - technically no, but theoretically yes....hahhaa, I am currently in the works of something on this! 
• you will have taken some/all children on a volunteering trip - no not officially but we do all volunteer regularly in our school communities all year long and we started taking proper family vacations again - both things that are important to me. 
• you will still be teaching - yes! in a new school!
• you will have stuck to your guns on the no cell phone until 8th grade rule - a little adjusted because motherhood is nothing if not being flexible. Our rule is phones at 13 and social media at 8th grade.
• you will still be making Family Yearbooks - yes!!

Content, optimistic, tired but hopeful Tabitha of 36 on the brink of having your fifth baby in the middle of a global pandemic. My darling, you will be surprised to find out that in the last five years, these things have happened: 

• You have six kids!! Five years ago, you were just about to have your fifth baby via c-section during Covid-19 lockdown with full intentions of being done. And then when that fifth baby was five months old you found out you were pregnant with number 6! A half dozen! It was clear that the wish on a star you made when you were 7 years old telling everyone you would grow up to have six kids really came true! 
• You took a year off of teaching to stay home with the three youngest and got to nanny your first nephew that year too. What a blessing it was to work for a school district, principal, and superintendent who gave you that gift. 
• You are an aunt to three nephews! Your baby sister Uch had three boys in three years and they are the sweetest squishems ever. Being an aunt is one of the greatest joys on Earth.
• Bullet is still alive at 16 years old! 
• You and Brandon both moved schools (no longer in the same district); it took some adjustments but B is with the kids at school and you have learned how to manage work-life boundaries and that feels like a step in the right direction.
• You teach elementary school students in the morning and high school students in the afternoon at your new school which means every day is a fast speed blur and you know about 500 students' names across the district (a much bigger school). But you feel proud of your financial contribution to our family, you love working in a department of two with your new Spanish teacher partner, you get to work with your dear friend Loni, and you've grown as a teacher and a person who knows their value. (proud of us). 
• Brandon is the Varsity football coach at Conemaugh Township and football season has become a family event! Three family members on the sidelines every Friday night and the rest of our crew and extended family and friends in the bleachers rooting for the team. (all your Tami Taylor dreams come true!)
• We got the driveway fixed with millings and you can barely remember now how bad it used to be!
• We have made changes to our home that match our growing family: paved a half basketball court behind the house, renovated the inner garage to be another tv room, converted the room near the attic door to be a tiny bedroom for our teen daughter, and bought a huge sectional couch for the living room that fits all of us! There are still a lot of projects and dreams that we have, but it feels like our home is growing up with us.
• You still have that pink carpet upstairs and the tile in the kitchen that you hate (LOL)
• You navigate the grief of losing your mother-in-law (over a year ago now, but still finding your footing regularly because grief is like that). You try to guide and support your husband, kids, and father-in-law through it as best and intentionally as possible and received so much patience, love, and support from family and friends. (miss you everyday, Gigi). 
• We said goodbye to our pitbull Trixie (13 years), all of Brandon's fish (we don't even have a tank up anymore!), a kitty Dwayne, and two guinea pigs Toffee and Queen Barb
• We started to raise goats and lots of chickens, we even have a guardian dog Osa who lives with the goats full time. We went through a breeding season of goats (what a stressful stage that was of being a goat grandma!) and we have learned a lot about animals (medicines, pregnancy and birth, wing clippings, castrations, midnight rescue missions, freezing temperatures, heat advisories, predators, electric fences, and stool samples!) We have loved and lost many farm animals in five years- What a lesson in life and loss and love we have earned from hobby farming. Who knew we were these people? 
• We have a 12 passenger van (Lucille the Studermobile) and Jillian the Honda Pilot, and we still have Ron Burgundy the Ford Truck. It was oddly sad to say goodbye to Sheila (our first van) and you even got a little choked up as we drove away from her on the lot. 
• You have a sourdough starter and her name is Celebrina. You feel proud to have it and make things from it but also kind of hate the effort it takes to maintain it. You definitely do not need one more thing to take care of but also get joy and pride from it so its worth it. A perfect example of you still trying to figure yourself out. 
• You are straddling a great canyon of parenting right now; a span from raising teenagers to raising a 4 year old and many ages in between. What a vast stretch of your body, mind, and heart it is. Trying to delicately balance the scale of raising big kids with big problems and little kids with little problems and the beautiful blur in the middle of independent young kids. In your wildest dreams you could not have imagined what a challenging yet incredible gift it is to be in the thick of parenting all these stages at one time.
• Grey is fifteen and half a foot taller than you and you play a game called "I bet he can't eat all this" while you try to give him two bagel breakfast sandwiches each with three eggs, meat, and cheese (spoiler alert: he eats them both and then eats a protein breakfast bar afterwards). He plays football, basketball, and baseball but still loves fishing and hunting the most. He is artistic too though and plays with his younger siblings and daydreams about driving a car and can concoct a delicious wing sauce.
• Gem is thirteen and 4 inches taller than you and reminds you so much of being a teenage girl it is disorientating almost daily. She plays soccer and basketball and is an assistant trainer on the football sidelines. She is president of jr high student council and takes photos for the yearbook and loves to fall deeply into rom com movies and tv series. Her heart is still wide open and she is empathetic to a degree that it is self-sabotaging. 
• Violet is ten and a half and though she be tiny, she is mighty. She and I have opposite personalities which makes for both fun and frustration for both of us. She cheers and plays basketball and soccer. She also is in elementary student council, on the scrabble team, and plays the flute. Her creativity and artist's heart has her wrapped up in projects and ideas (and messes) every day. But competitiveness is truly her driving force and she is determined to be the 'best' or the 'most' in all aspects of her life.
• Rusty is nine and a friend to literally everyone - everywhere we go people are calling out to him to say hello or to play. He is an incredibly patient big brother and an easygoing little brother. This year he played football, soccer, and competitive swim. Last year he also tried wrestling, next year he wants to try basketball and baseball. He is very athletic and strong - so I know he'll succeed in anything he tries if only he could get over the fact that all of the sports require practice (the part he dislikes the most - he just wants to play and have fun!) 
• Reddy is five and equal mixes of his big brothers with a heaping scoop of just him in there. He has the most contagious laugh and can get all of us going just by laughing himself. He played soccer this year and became absolutely obsessed with fishing. It has been so sweet to see him learn more about himself; figuring out how he is like the men and boys in his life (his dad, grandpas, his brothers, all his brothers' friends, the football players on Daddy's team) and who he is himself. He is still a little bit of a momma's boy and I will take it for as long as I can get it. 
• Olive is four and like a sparkler come to life. She is sassy and hilarious and so smart is it shocking. She loves dancing, lip synching, playing babies, and bossing everyone around. She played soccer this year and cannot wait for the moment that she can be a real cheerleader (she pretend cheers at all her big sibling's games). If ever there was a child who was meant to be the baby of the family, it is Loopy - she handles it with so much spirit, smiles, and sass. 
• You and B are solid with 25 years of love and learning between you (16 years of marriage). Every year brings its own challenges and obstacles to learn and grow through; to figure out how to talk and hug and kiss our way to the other side of money worries, parenting, job challenges, relationships with friends and family, and maintaining a home and farm. He is truly your best friend and most days the only person you even want to talk to about anything real. The hard parts will never cease as we move through life, but what a deep sighed relief it is to know at the end of each day you get to climb into bed and lay on his chest and rest in the safety of his arms.

36 year old Tabitha, 

Girl, I love ya. Thank you for being and doing all the things you did then - never getting settled in comfort and always trying to move towards the version of you that you see out there in 50 years from now. You were young and hopeful and more lighthearted then. I wish I could sit down with you and listen to you chatter on and on and steal some of that energy and optimism you have. I would love to give you a hug and let you know that you are on the right path and out here with all the kids ranging in an 11 year span is hard but mostly so fun and full of life. You are going to love it out here, keep going girl! 

46 year old Tab, 

Five years seems  like no time at all in my time - but you and I both know that our time does not match the speed of our kids' time. What do we care if we are 46? but if I'm 46 that means that we have a kid who has graduated high school and that seems impossible. I want to give you a hug out there - how are we doing? actually. Do you miss the snuggles of the little ones (because I can still scoop them up and shower them with a million kisses and they just giggle). Does your body feel like it belongs to you more than it does to them; less holding and carrying and being a lap to sit on? Do you ache for the slow mornings when you wake up before everyone else and you know that everyone is under your roof asleep in peace? Are you still performing magic out there at Christmas and lost teeth? Do the kids still tell you their dreams in rambling stories over cereal at breakfast? I'm back here holding on to that for as long as I can for us.

If I'm being honest though, I can already feel the chill in the breeze coming from the open door out there of the future of motherhood; kids grown and moving on and even youngest kids that are heading towards double digits. But I know there is more good coming too; good I can't even imagine. Do you still have a missing sock pile? What have you done with all the spaces that used to hold baby dolls and board books? Do you still have gogurt in the fridge? Do you wake up rested because you didn't have a kid's foot in your neck from kids who want to sleep in your bed? 

It's so good right now at 41 with all six kids under our roof (aged 15-4!) I wish you could come back here for a day and see how it is again to have everyone at home together. There are struggles (everything is broken, everyone is hungry, everyone wants to do all the things) - but every seat at the kitchen table is full, and it is mostly days filled with silly and funny and always a pop-up dance party. Best of all, I am still homebase for every single person in this family. 

I don't know what it will be like out there - both in motherhood and in life? I'm old enough now to see that life can knock you on your ass pretty quick and you have to relearn how to walk again as a person while also navigating your children through it as a Mom. I can't begin to imagine what's going on out there for you but I trust you and I know you are figuring it out and learning and trying to see and be the good.
You got this - I believe in you and I'm cheering for you.
Cheering for us.
Cheering for the kids wherever they are in life too. 

In five years, Tab - I wish for these things to be true for us: 

• the house is more organized and you have less stuff
• everyone in the family has a passport that has been used at least once
• you and B have renewed your vows and the kids were a part of it
• your writing is out there in the world and you feel proud of you
• you feel strong and capable in your own body

No 100 small things for 2022

At the prospect of a fresh new year since 2015, I have been creating 100 small things lists. They have brought ambition and focus to my years and I have loved them - honestly, that's the kind of nerd I am. A list-loving, big-dreaming, determined-to-do-all-the-things, ambitious nerd. 

But.

this year, I didn't make a 100 small things list. and I feel good about it. I'm not sad or disappointed. I haven't even grown out of the list making; I hope someday to find my way back to that particular style of new year list goal making. 

the last three years have really been a whirlwind for us - I know for all of the world too - but in the last three years, we had both of our moms go through major health concerns, had two babies back to back, I took a year long leave of absence from my job, and um, the global pandemic too. 

it's been a strange path of scary, exciting, change, growth, and learning for all of us - definitely me. 

to highlight my sentiment - I was in the attic the other day grabbing the valentines' decorations box and was shocked to see how far I have lost control of the attic. 

Because not so many years ago, the attic was the one place in the house that was neatly organized and labeled. Mom was allowed up there and everything had a place and everything was in its place. 

Fast forward to being pregnant for two and half years with all kids home in a global pandemic lockdown and the expectations dropped way, way down for attic organization. It was more like - 

"what?! you have no pants that fit, child who grew overnight?! Go up in the attic and drag that box down and when I swap them all out, just throw everyone's grown-out clothes in this tub and shove it up the attic steps...I'll deal with it when I'm not pregnant and the coronavirus is over" 

LOL...when the coronavirus is over. 

hah...funny. 

Aaaaaanyway, when I was up there the other day stepping around the tub of shoes that one of the kids dumped out looking for a pair that fit in a last minute panic; I just shrugged and moved on. 

Because in 12 years of motherhood, I have FINALLY come to understand a very essential piece of parenthood knowledge. 

if you have kids who are not yet walking or talking - the mess and disorganization does not count. 

PERIOD.

end of story. 

there is no discussion on this. 

you are in survival mode, baby. 

it's easy to forget that when your kids get a little bigger.  

heck, I forgot it until I had our last two. 

when you have kids who are not yet talking or walking - it is feeding times and diapers and naptimes and teeth coming in and another round of germs because you have a finger sucker, and growth spurts, and doctors appointments every three freaking months, and droopy necks to clean after every feeding, and all-the-things spilled, and good Lord the baths and lotions and wrestling into jammies, and the waking up in the middle of the night because of a zillion random reasons... 

who in the hell has time or energy to organize the attic boxes?!

plus we have the big ones which now translates to practices, and homework, drop offs and pick ups, and sleepovers, and playdates, and birthday parties, and hormones, and why.are.they.hungry.all.the.time !?

and then all the adulting on top of that: work, meetings, volunteering, paperwork, appointment making, bills, bank accounts, pets, dishes, laundry, grocery lists, meal planning, checking in with parents and friends, and watering the plants (hah, but for real, that's a thing). 

and don't even play when it comes to holidays - HAH. a whole new layer of madness. 

So as 2021 was coming to a close and I was gazing into the fresh new year, 

I took a deep breath and smiled. 

because although this is a chaotic, messy, wild life. 

it is a good, good, great, beautiful life. 

and more than anything, I need a dig out year. 

I need a take-it-easy-girl year. 

I need a reflect and look around and up year. 

I need to live right now in this present moment 

instead of making all the big plans for sometime soon but not right now. 

so in case you needed permission for that kind of year too - here it is. 

same, friends. me too. 

and if not and you are all "Let's go! 2022! New year, new me!"  - know that I am cheering you on and so inspired by you. Because there is almost nothing I love more than big dreams and plans to get there! 

it's just in my current moment, I am living the come-to-life big dreams of my literal seven year old self who married a cute boy and had six babies and a handful of animals. (self-fulfilling prophecy people!! also a real thing!) 

 

so I'm going to snuggle down into this life just as it is and soak it up for all its worth. 

a white mother's conversation with her white children

By now, it is well known that Black, brown, and Indigenous mothers and fathers regularly have a very specific parenting conversation with their children that is generally unnecessary from the parenting conversations of white parents to their white children. 

As a white mother with white children, I have been compelled over the last ten years though to have a very different conversation with my children. Mine is not about how my white children can attempt to stay safe in public, my conversation is about white accountability. 

On January 6th when the Capitol building was attacked, my white husband and I sat and watched the news with our white children. And what was unsettling to me about them watching the event unfold was that my white children were mostly un-phased. They gasped when they saw the white man carrying the Confederate flag. They asked if those people were allowed to do that (why is no one getting arrested?). They asked if anyone was getting hurt. But for the most part they seemed desensitized. 

Because, honestly, as long as they have been old enough to have memories, they have seen and heard about white people behaving badly and not getting in trouble for it. 

White people marching with torches and confederate flags. White people taking guns to school and killing their classmates and being escorted out of the building. White people putting their hands on another person without their permission and then experiencing absurdly soft punishment. White people saying things on camera that they recognize as inappropriate and unkind. White people not following the rules.  White people who try to endanger others to make excuses for not following the rules themselves. White people demanding that others do what they say under no authority and then acting like they are the victim. 

So many examples of people who look just like us that are behaving badly and/ or dangerously who are then met with patience and an understanding of innocence before proven guilty. And to top it all off - a million ways to flip it upside down so that other white people can reason why THAT white person is not like them and their family. 

That is not an opportunity that Black, brown, and Indigenous people are able to fall back on. If you are Black, brown, or Indigenous and you behave badly, you have now become a representative of all people who look like you. (Oddly enough, the opposite is also true. If you succeed it is because you are somehow exceptional; you are NOT like everyone who looks like you). 

White people, we have a different experience - right? If a white person behaves badly we have a whole dictionary of excuses as to why that ONE white person did that bad thing: they have mental illness, they had poor parenting, they were bullied, they were misunderstood, they were told lies, they didn't get a fair hand, they are unstable, it's the videogames and music industry, they are evil....at the most basic level, white people reason - "bad" white people are DIFFERENT from me and my children. (and then on the other side, we also get to say as white people, if we succeed it is because we, individually, are exceptional. But also all white people deserve to be labeled as exceptional  with all the trophies, gold metals, stickers, and compliments. Each individual white person is special and unique....hopefully you are reading my eye roll here.)

In 2012, I wrote an article for The Good Men Project after the Aurora Shooting about how as a mother, I look at my sleeping children and try to force myself to remember every day that as I whisper to them that they "can be anything when they grow up" that doesn't just include the good things that I hope for them. Just as I'm sure, the shooter's mother looked at her own son when he was just a little boy. Mothers don't see monsters hidden on the faces of their children. 

And I read that article now, 8 years later, after having conversation after conversation with my children about the white people behaving badly on the news with seemingly no consequences and the article feels wholly lacking from that one glaringly obvious fundamental lens; race. 

These "bad people" LOOK LIKE ME. My children are watching these scary things in the world happening and all the "bad people" look like them. And this is not "bad people" in movies and tv and video games (fake bad people). These are real "bad people" who live in the world we live in and in the world that our friends and family live in, some of whom are Black and brown.  

These white kids, OUR WHITE KIDS, grow up believing that their own personal wants give them permission to do whatever and say whatever they please, and usually get away with it. Is it because they have a million examples of people who look just like them behaving badly and getting away with it? And if the "bad" white person doesn't get away with it, do our white kids hear the white adults in their life make every possible excuse to explain why that one white person is not like them; how that one person is different from them in some invisible way?

As Black, brown, and Indigenous mothers sit their children down regularly to have conversations on how to stay safe in our society, I worry that the white parents' conversation about white accountability is such a constant fight that white parents don't have the stamina to do the work. Because it is hard, unrelenting work at looking reflectively and critically at our own bias and awareness of the world. It is questioning and thinking critically at ways we ourselves as grown ups pass the blame for our problems onto every excuse in the book. How our expectations filter down into our childrens' ideas of what to expect and why and when and how. It is not making excuses for our own kids. It is not ignoring the very obvious connection we have to people who do bad things that look just like us. 

It is watching the news with our kids and seeing people who look just like us behaving badly without consequence and as the parent, not staying silent about it.
Saying nothing sets the tone that this is accepted and expected. 

Parenting is not passive.
more specifically,
White parents trying to raise antiracist kids can not be passive.

So, on January 6th while we watched the Capitol building insurrection, we had the conversation again with our white children. 

"I know these people look just like us. But this is not acceptable or appropriate behavior. They are being dangerous and breaking the rules and making terrible choices that will follow them for the rest of their life. Just because it seems like they aren't getting in trouble for this, does not give you permission to ever behave like this. EVER. You know what is right and what is wrong. And if you don't, you have people who love you that can help you figure it out. We are white; we look just like these people who are doing bad things - but we can choose every day to be a better example of people who look like us."

Please, white parents of white children.
we must, MUST, do better.

the 5 year plan revisited

While poking around in the 12 years worth of blog posts (!) a few months ago, I found this post from August 2012 and smiled and laughed my way through it. In that post, I had written to myself five years younger (24 year old Tabitha) to tell her about all the things she would be surprised to know had happened in only five years time. Then, I had written a list out to future Tabitha for five years from then (Tabitha of 34 yrs) and guessed, hoped, dreamed at how our life would change in another five years. 

Since I didn't uncover it until this year (seven years later!), I smiled as I checked off the list while astonished, as always, at how time slips by; ya blink, man, and ya almost miss it. Tabitha from 2012 had written these thoughts for five years in the future: 

• we will have added to our human family by 2 - yes! plus (almost) one more than that!
• we will NOT have moved again - yes!
• we will have traveled to Europe - no
• we will still be doing 12 months of kindness - yes, but loosely - we just try to live with kindness and give our own personal gifts out as generously as possible
• i will be working with kids again - yes! 
• my kids will be bilingual - hahha, no. they tell me to "just talk regular" 
• b and i will have renewed our vows - no, but our whispered declarations of love and gratitude to each other in the small moments of hectic life of raising up kids carry so much more weight than any ceremony or party could ever
• i will be a published writer - ugh, no. although I did write my first short story and Brandon blew it up 300% size and framed it and hung it in our dining room

Seven years ago, I was 29 (oh, how precious!) with two kiddos aged 3 and under. I was right in the beginning states of understanding there is no way to figure this mom'ing gig out; just scratching the surface at the realization that there is no right way, fix-all, or perfect in raising up kids. Gosh, how I wanted there to be one though - because I am a researcher and planner and tryer-outer and I was determined to overturn every darn rock to discover the way to do this thing the right way. How sweet and ambitious of a young mother she was - how tired and frustrated she was; mostly with herself. 

I had learned so much in three years of mom'ing, but I had so much to go yet - so much experience, so many more kids (hah!), so many more mistakes and successes that needed to come through to get me to where I am now...still not knowing what I'm doing, but finding solace in recognizing that it's a good thing to get to continue to try better and grow each day. To see that what works today and is beautiful right this moment might only last for just this moment. And what is a chaotic, messy disaster today will be something we laugh about tomorrow. Because, girl, this is a damn circus. But it's our circus and we have our favorite freaks in our freak show and we wave that flag loud and proud, baby. 

Sweet, ambitious, beautiful, exhausted, brilliant Tabitha of 29. My darling, you will be surprised to find out that in the last seven years, these things have happened: 

• you are back in the classroom teaching high school Spanish (for 3+years now) and you are the Spanish club adviser, prom committee adviser, and Project Lit book club co-founder
• you're in college again (online) while teaching full-time and pregnant to take one class that the department of education is requiring you to take to be PA certified (after passing all the PA Praxis tests last year)
• you were a stay-at-home mom for three years and it was the best and loneliest job you have ever had
• Brandon took a huge pay cut and changed jobs for a much more balanced work-home life and a healthy, hearty beard and you could not be more grateful
• Brandon was a varsity basketball coach for six years at your alma mater
• you have not traveled out of the country in over five years
• you and Brandon coach youth sports almost year round (you: youth cheerleading and soccer and Brandon: youth football, basketball, and baseball)
• you started running and have run and finished many 5Ks, a 10k, and a half marathon
• you read real books again, like a lot of them (20+ a year!)
• you started a small book publishing business with your best friends that create and sell outdoorsman related children's books
• loved, prayed, weathered, and researched through a year and a half of pancreatic cancer treatments for Gigi
• you lost your final grandparent, pap, and carry the heaviness in your heart of being a grandparentless grandchild
• you and Brandon took a long weekend trip to the Adirondacks to celebrate 10 years of marriage (!) and it was incredibly blissful and memories of that little window of just the two of you helps you stay grounded when our normal life is so loud and busy
• you said goodbye to both of your cats who live in cat heaven with cat Jesus now
• Brandon has most of his fish still - Big Daddy the catfish lives on still!
• you currently have 7 chickens
• Bullet is still the biggest pain in the butt of the family. Trixie still only wants to sleep and snuggle
• in there, we've also had hermit crabs and a hamster (rest in peace with hermit crab Jesus and hamster Jesus)
• you and Brandon eat high school lunch together regularly during the school year because you work in the same school district now
• you drive a mini van; her name is Sheila. We are pretty sure she has a mouse living in it #kidsnacklife and we call him Marvin and say he's Sheila's pet 
• you still have pink carpet up the steps and that tile that you hate in the kitchen
• your oldest son has gone to kindergarten (such a traumatic momma milestone, you cried and then survived and now thrive), broken his wrist when he was staying with cousins three hours away, would choose hunting and fishing over you (hah, but seriously), plays every sport with the athletic freak genes he possesses, and is almost a decade old
• your oldest daughter has gone to kindergarten (still heartbreaking but with much less trauma because - girl you been here before), struggled in school academically, has best friends that are 2-3 years older, carries a deeply empathetic heart around each day that needs regular caring and tending to, and fought for human rights by teaching classmates that "flesh" is not a color of crayon and telling kids on the bus that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls
• your middle daughter has registered for kindergarten, kissed a boy (!), has special powers that might include seeing the future, almost drown last summer, and has dimples when she smiles mischievously 
• your second son does not stop talking, has the sweetest lisp you've ever heard, whiplashes between a cherub angel and a demon, eats chocolate and chips for his main nutrition, and can not wait to be a big brother so he's not the littlest
• your baby boy, Studer #5 (!) is scheduled to arrive in 6 days with your first c-section due to a low lying placenta and possible cord prolapse...in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic. his life will be no doubt be full of adventure. 

29 year old Tabitha,

I love you for your ambition and hopes and dreams. Thank you for using moisturizer, and trying crazy pinterest things when you had the time, money, and energy. Thank you for hanging in there when the first swing at motherhood is so shocking and scary and hard - so so hard is that first time out of the gates! I get to live this life today because you lived that life seven years ago and I am so grateful for this life today - in all it's loud, messy, madness. I am proud of you and thankful for you. 

And to future Tabitha - 42 year old Tabitha out there. I cannot even imagine, nor do I want to even go there yet thinking about the life you lead with bigger kids and bigger problems - teenagers! all five kids in school! boyfriends/girlfriends! permit drivers! 

omigosh, I can cry just considering it. But maybe if you make me do it - I hope these things might be true about our life in five years: 

• you will not have moved but found a way to make this home and space more of what you want
• you will have more farm animals (goats? sheep? ducks?)
• you will WRITE THE DAMN BOOK
• you will have taken some/all children on a volunteering trip
• you will still be teaching
• you will have stuck to your guns on the no cell phone until 8th grade rule
• you will still be making Family Yearbooks

Good luck out there future Tab. I love you, I trust you. 

Do this life; this loving your handsome bearded husband, this raising up kids, this teaching students and coaching kids, and giving generously with an intentional, grateful heart. 

It's all going to be okay - and if we're lucky - it's all going to be imperfectly wonderful. 

Birthday reflection exercise

It's nearly my birthday, 36!, and every year I find a way to make it weird on all the people that love me and want to celebrate me (hah, sorry). I just really feel that birthdays, at least for me, are meant to be for internal reflection. The only person who deserves to be celebrated on my birthday is my mumma who did all the work that day 36 years ago - Thank you Mum! Love you more. 

So, every year around my birthday, my husband and family has to endure as I go through a few days that have me all weepy with gratitude and quiet with contemplation while I keep telling them to stop making a big deal out of it. (poor Brandon, I love you for putting up with me, babe).

Mostly for me, my birthday is a yearly reminder to be grateful for this life that I get to live. 

There are days that are so long and challenging that I find myself grateful to sink down into bed at night with relief that it is just over. But most days, I cannot believe I get to live this life filled with so much beauty. 

All the tiny regular moments through the year, 

sips of coffee

catching Brandon's eyes across the dinner table

hots showers

a warm day with a cool breeze

the sound of turning a page in a book 

the weight of my babies in my arms

they all collectively add up to this incredible life that I get to live each day. 

The people who show up for me and the people who need me to show up.

The places that I usually find myself and the places I got to explore. 

The laughing and crying and hurting and rejoicing. 

I feel so undeserving but deeply grateful to get to be the one who walks this single, unique, ordinarily extraordinary life. 

My life isn't perfect, but I remain focused on the ways that it is wonderful and all the ways that I can choose to make it better or be grateful for what I do have. 

It comes down to perspective and how you frame your experiences and memories. 

These are some things that I find myself reflecting on each year around my birthday. We get this one year in this one precious life. I want to make them all count. 

1. What lessons did you learn this year? 
Sometimes you learn the hard way, sometimes you learn to be more efficient - both count. 

2. Are you living your daily life in a way that is reflective of the kind of person you want to be remembered as some day?
I often imagine my children and my future grandchildren remembering me or telling stories about me when I am very old or gone. I want to work towards living a life right now that their stories will be the kind of a person I want to be remembered as. That I made time for them and others. That I laughed and smiled. That I made food that felt like a hug. That I found time to be silly and have fun and snuggle. That I behaved as though mess and the loudness and the chaos didn't matter as much as the togetherness. That I was patient and looked at them and listened to them and read a lot of books.....for these stories to be true - I need to live this way right now. 

3. If you had to describe the You you were this year, what words would you use to describe him/her?
She was one part overwhelmed, distracted, and worried and another part ambitious, determined, and patient. It was a strange year of life last year. A challenging year at school, a scary year for health of a loved one but then that half of the year drove the other half towards being intentional on doing better; being more aware, taken advantage of health and youth and the beautiful expanse of summer free days of possibility. 

4. Who did you admire this year? Who do you want to be more like? Why? How?
Reflect on who you were surprised by or who impressed you this year. Who made you think, I want to be more like that. Maybe it was a small, kind gesture from someone you know personally or maybe it was something big on a large scale that inspired you from someone you simply read about. Think about what it was that inspired admiration; is it something that you already have inside you that just needs to burn a little brighter - or is it something you want to change or add to yourself? 

5. How were people supportive to you this year? How can you be supportive to others in the same way you felt supported this year? 
Think back to the people who were in your corner this year - how did you know they were there for you? Did they show up? Did they reach out? Did they lend a helping hand? Do you show support to people you love in the same ways that gave you support? How can you do better? Who needs you in their corner? 

6. Reflect on the titles you held this year. 
Spouse, parent, child, sibling, aunt/uncle, grandparent, friend, job title, coach, etc. Which of these were easy and fulfilling? Which were challenging? Do you need to re-prioritize this year? Do you need to change any? Do you need to add any? 

7. Reflect on the things you accomplished this year. 
What did you volunteer to do? What were you forced or pressured into doing? How many times did you say Yes? Why? Was it worth it? How many times did you say No? Why? Was it worth it? Where in your life should you try to say No more? Where in your life should you try to say Yes more?

8. In what small moments did you fill most like your true self? 
When you are your true self, who is with you? Are you alone? What were you doing? How can you make more moments for you to be your true self throughout the year, months, weeks, days. Are there daily routines that bring peace of mind that you can continue? Are there moments where a routine or tradition can help bring you peace of mind this year? 

9. You will never be this young again in your life, what can you do this year to take advantage of this youthfulness that you still have? 
What are things your mind, body, and health allow you to do right now that you can't guarantee as you get the privilege of growing older? Will you take better care of your body this year; healthy whole foods? exercise? moisturizer and sunscreen? meditation? get a check up? Will you learn a new skill; knitting? a musical instrument? calligraphy? a recipe from an elderly family member? Will you expand your horizons; travel? learn a new language? take up a hobby? participate in a local sports league? volunteer your time for others? 

10. Plot this year on a big imaginary scale with all other years, where does this one fall? 
Maybe looking back it will be one of your favorite years and you know already you'll look back and think, 'oh to be that age again!" Or maybe it belongs in the worst/scariest/most challenging years category. If it was a hard one, that's okay - sometimes life is like that, but look at you - you persevered and for that you can be grateful; even if just because that year is over.  If it falls in the rating of Meh, how can we make that different next year. You get one year this age and that's it! We should be living in a way that no years turn out to be just 'meh' years! 

Year 2 Teaching Reflections

Another year in the books; my second year at my current school and in my teaching career my fourth (or my seventh if you count Sunday school teaching, hehe). It was a pretty good year; obviously a little easier than year 1 back into the game, but still a lot to learn from and grow and improve.  This is a pretty long post, so if you're a total teacher nerd (like me!) read on. Otherwise, scroll through the pics and check out what I'm thinking about already for next year at the bottom.

Year 2 Teaching Reflections --

First and best thing this year was my new space; I got a new room that is much bigger and included tables left over from it's former life as a computer lab. There was so much room for movement, dancing, and lots of wall space for signs, artwork, and student work. I spend at least eight hours of my day in that room, I want it to be a place that feels inspiring and beautiful so it gets decked out with Mexican Papel Picado banners, and country flags, paintings from the Dominican Republic that we've picked up from our travels, fake flower arrangements, and lightbulb strings. I try to make it a space that kids want to be in; that inspires them to be creative and feel safe. Do some my fellow teachers make fun of me for my enthusiasm of brightness and loudness and general wackiness?  Of course! Do I care? heck no! It's normal for the foreign language teacher to be a bit of a nut, right? It's definitely the case at our school - she cray.

There was a lot of great things that happened this year. I had two incredible teacher assistants (hi Ana and Lysh!) that were helpful, patient, and sweet. I taught all periods this year except period2 (prep) and period9 (lunch) but there there kids in my room almost every single part of the day - studying, needing a space to regroup, catch up on work, or just to chat. I taught 2 sections of Spanish 1, 2 sections of Spanish 1 Honors, and one section each of Spanish 2, Spanish 2 Honors, and Spanish 3 Honors. My biggest class was 25 (too many) and my smallest class was of 13 (ideal). We do música miércoles on Wednesday (watch a Spanish music video) and Baile Viernes on Friday (Just Dance videos to start class) and the kids love both of them - reminding me immediately if I forget that day. 

We read lots of Spanish books this year and it was incredible to see how the students can go from disbelief in themselves and their language learning to telling me how easy a dictation quiz after reading a few chapters is because they understand what I'm saying in Spanish. There were a lot of great new learning tools we incorporated into our novel reads this year too including - predictions (bunches of hunches), Gimkit & Quizlet Live reviews, Pear Deck for chapter comprehension, and Reader's Theater with props! We built forts, read while playing the Floor is Lava, completed Walk-Around quizzes, cut & paste in chronological order, and summary 'snowball' fights with crumpled paper. 

We participated in Wooly Week and it was hilariously fun and meaningful. Kids were invested and totally locked into the activities. We celebrated with door decorating, a food day, voting on our favorite Wooly song, playing Ojo Sabio until our eyes crossed, and so much Una Cancion Original. By the end of the year, my kids were still randomly singing Wooly songs; especially Ganga Girls and Feo. How incredibly lucky I feel to be a Spanish teacher with so many amazing resources out there to get my kids excited to learn and really comprehending another language!!

We made awesome strides in language learning through comprehensible units too with Martina Bex's Somos Units. I started out with intentions to just use the Somos Units with my Honors classes and take more of a traditional route with my general Spanish classes. But halfway through the year, after seeing the kinds of confidence and progress that my students using comprehensible input were making - I switched everyone over and will never look back. We wrote our own class stories using specific target structures for each unit, learned about interesting cultural topics, listened to music for missing lyrics, and gave mini presentations in Spanish. We also studied the Super 7 Verbs in various tenses thanks to Allison Weinhold;s Mis Clases Locas units. Where we held personal interviews and listened to music for specific verbs.

And we tried to have fun too. Because if there's one big benefit of being a Spanish teacher it is reminding the kids that life does not have to be so serious. Learning language is about messing up, and communicating in any way possible - through hand gestures, facial expressions, putting funny phrases together just to get your point across. It is silly and messy and so much fun! We don't come to Spanish class to sit in a desk and memorize vocab or conjugate verbs until our ears bleed. We USE the language and TRY it even if it makes us look a little dumb, and listen to it, and act it out, and make language jokes that only the kids who can figure it out laugh hysterically because they actually get it. It's goofy and maybe the only part of their high school day that they get to move and dance and sing and be a weirdo. 

So we play spoons the Spanish verb kind, and we practice Spanish hand clapping games like Chocolate, and we dance the merengue, and go outside during Screen Free Week, and we do Running dictation in the gym or auditorium, and we color while we listen to Spanish podcasts, and we review with Write, Draw, Pass games, and learn numbers with card games, and we have food days (!).

We did some non-Spanish reading this year too. I started the #whatseñorastuderisreading hashtag on instagram to share my for-fun reads with the kids and most of them were actually borrowed/suggested from one of my students. It has led to meaningful conversations and connections with kids who have read or been thinking about reading the same books. And a dear friend, Shelly, passed along the TATBILB series to share with my classes after I posted about how we all had Peter Kavinsky fever! Those three books were passed around all year long and Noah Centineo has been a key character in many of our Spanish class stories (LOL).

Our Spanish club was a little bigger and better this year too. We had an awesome president (Ana!) who really took the lead on the Elementary school visits which was so helpful to me. Our 'elementary school teachers' visited K-2 classes once a month to teach them a few Spanish words which is meaningful to the little kiddos and my big kids. What an important lesson for my high school kids to see how their influence can make a difference (and how those little kids warm my students' hearts!) 

We participated in the Homecoming parade, painted faces for a school fútbol game, designed and ordered new club shirts, and held two dances this year. 

I was thankful to be part of my school community this year and join in on all the traditional events we celebrate including the Veteran's Day breakfast, PI day pep rally, the Homecoming pep rally (it was haunted themed and I was Pennywise!). I loved attending my students' games, and art shows, and the musical. It's one of my favorite teacher moments when a student recognizes you outside of your classroom at a school event, they have this great expression transformation from confusion, to understanding, to joyful surprise. 

My new neighbors in my wing were friends that helped laugh through the passing periods (even on the toughest days - thanks Chad, Mark, and Malinda!) My school besties, Renee and Nicki, were always willing to listen with an encouraging ear before giving me the pep talk and rally chant out the door to try again. We are a small community, but we are fierce and I feel so grateful to be a part of a place that takes all my dancing, singing, and enthusiasm in stride. 

It would be dishonest to not mention though that it was also a tough year. I am still (always?) working on creating boundaries between my heart and all.the.things. It has been so easy for me to get overwhelmed in everything I can't change for my students and for education as a whole. Many times this year, I looked around and felt like I was just a drop in the bucket; any good I do is swallowed whole in the bigger issues that I can't change by myself. 

There has been a quote that has been rattling around in my heart this year that goes something like, "Some kids come to school to learn, and others come to be loved." It's the truest thing and I could name which of those students each and every one of my kids are. I spend fifty percent of my day being a Spanish teacher and the other half being a Mom. Many of my students really just need someone to look them in the face and listen to anything they have to say. Many of my students need me to be standing outside my door in the morning with a huge smile shouting '¡Buen día, mi amor!" to be that constant in their day. My students need me to say, 'Yes! we are working today?! If you think you get a free day in here, you are crazy, dude." Most often, my students need me to catch their glance and mouth to them, "hey, you okay?" and give them a piece of paper to write down on a note about what's up. 

I love this profession so much. I love working with kids and watching their progression in learning and their progression in life! I can't believe my job is to go to school each day and look across the room at THE LITERAL FUTURE and try to make a positive impact on it. But it can also be taxing on the spirit, to hold my kids' worries and struggles and challenges in my heart. To look at a student who could do anything in the world but who can't see it for themselves. To look at kids today and see how the world has beat them down in all the ways and try to convince them that they can do it even though it's hard. To help them realize that education and hard work is the only way to better - that no matter how many shortcuts the world tries to advertise to you, the only thing that will get you to a successful and proud ending is through yourself and the positive relationships you build with people.

"more books; more liberated"

As hard (and sometimes lonely) this job can be - I am so astounded by the people who find a way to reach out a hand filled with kindness to my little classroom.  I had a bonafide classroom fairy godmother this year (Ashley) who sent me monthly surprises, supplies, and little gifts. My students all know her as our fairy godmother and the gratitude I felt, not only for the gifts, but to feel seen and valued as a teacher helped me dig my feet into the ground another day. Truly, Ashley, your kindness and support has meant so much to me and my kids.

I have hugged and congratulated our class of 2019. I've disassembled my whole room so the maintenance staff can clean and repaint. I carted home three huge bags of 'to organize over the summer' stuff. And already three days into summer vacation, I've texted a fellow teacher about next year's stairwell bulletin board - HAH! Luckily, she's a teacher nerd too - so we're good. 

I am looking forward to finalizing next year's curriculum map, opening a big box of all the class sets of new novels I ordered (!), and daydreaming about my classroom decorations. Until then, it is a lot of yoga, reading, certification research, and re-energizing my soul to get back in there and do it all again.

And because always thinking about growing and getting better, here's some things I'm thinking about this summer to prepare for next school year. What worked and needs a little re-work for you fellow teacher friends? xxoxo

8 things that worked

1. Gimkit
2. Leave Me Alone Passes
3. Novels
4. classroom resources - word wall, chromebook organization, signage, etc
5. Just Dance & Baile viernes
6. year long curriculum map
7. Wooly Week
8. Pear Deck (for a novel)

6 things I'd like to re-work

1. comprehensible input at every level
2. classroom procedures
3. deskless/flexible seating
4. blending units and resources
5. Notebooks
6. Spanish Club meetings, study abroad (!), fundraisers