10 years and 5 babies later, here's what I've learned.

They say it takes 10,000 hours at doing something to be considered an expert. And yet at over 87,000 hours at being a mom I definitely don't feel like an expert (do parents ever? the job keeps changing with each new age and stage for the child and over the course of time as the world changes - yeesh, this job is tough!)

But after 10 years and a literal handful of kids later, I think I know some stuff. Or at least some stuff that has worked for our kids. So take it or leave it, here's what I have come to find is my 'expert' level momma knowledge earned on the job. 

10 years and 5 babies later, here's what I know to be true. 

1. water fixes things

if the day is going to crap, get 'em to water. a bath, a sprinkler, a swimming pool, a creek to fish or wade, water balloons or water guns. Even my response to kids first mention of not feeling well is, "have you been drinking enough water?" 

2. the secret to holding onto childhood magic is being vocal about the things you dislike

Here's an example: I hate playdoh and slime - for real I do, they make a mess and my kids never remember to clean them up properly so they are junk after one use. My kids know I hate playdoh and slime, I never buy or make playdoh and slime. We are not a playdoh and slime family because mom hates them. But guess who brings them? Santa and the Easter bunny. And guess who definitely would never buy playdoh and slime? So guess who is definitely real?  The same goes for getting enough sleep (tooth fairy), not wanting to clean up messes (leprechaun), disliking video games/gaming devices (Santa & Easter bunny), and disliking nail polish/painting nails (Santa & Easter bunny). I rest my case.

3. an outing will not be tolerable if you do not have snacks

there is no secret here. if you plan to go anywhere, you need snacks. if you don't pack them in advance, you will need to buy them. or you can suffer the consequences of cranky, whining kids. period. 

4. do not start the day with screens

if my kids wake up and start using their imagination and move their bodies they can make it for hours without too many problems. Sure, they will get hungry and thirsty and they will have their little arguments and make huge messes - but they play. The moment a screen is introduced into the day they remember how much easier it is to zombie out and consume someone else's creativity than to generate their own. And then the real problems begin: the whining, the complaining, the laziness, the lethargy, the impatience. Screens do not in fact make parenting easier, like at all. 

5. there is more room than just the 'little spoon'

We are a snuggling, hugging family. The very best spot in the house is in mom or dad's 'little spoon' on the couch. But we have a big family and everyone wants to lay with us all at the same time. So we've invented other spots. Besides the little spoon there's also the nest (in the space created by the parent's bent legs), the ditch (between the parent's back and the couch), and the garage (next to the parent's feet, before the couch ends). If you still need more room there's the sandwich (just directly laying on top of the parent's shoulder) or you can 'double up in the snuggle up' which is a little spoon and an even littler spoon. 

6. the benefits of having a 'hygiene' day

there are too many kids and a lot of things going on in the days and sometimes, it's hard to remember if and when the last time the kids got a proper bath/shower or who needs their nails clipped or ears cleaned. Sometimes one kid needed a bath but another kid was at an activity. In the summer, swims count as baths on sweaty/dirty days. So we have a designated 'hygiene' day (ours is Thursday) that no matter what, everyone is getting a proper bath/shower with soap and shampoo, getting their nails checked, and having their ears cleaned. 

7. the best response to a hard question is, "what do you think?"

kids are pretty skilled at throwing hardball questions out of the complete blue that can catch us off guard. Things about death and growing up and religion and politics and outer space and magic and where babies come from. We try to be honest with them because if they aren't hearing it from us - they're going to hear it from someone else - and who the hell is that person and what the hell are they are going to say? So, before we dive head first into any topic, the best starting place is to ask the kid back what they think or know. First, it gives us reference on why this is being asked in the first place (they're worried? they overheard someone else talking? they are afraid?) and always gives us a good reference to how much they are ready to hear. Example: 

child: how did that baby get in your belly? 

parent: what do you think?

 child: you ate a baby seed? like a watermelon seed? 

parent: ooh! that would have been cool, but no. First Daddy and I decided we wanted to have a baby, then we prayed for one. 

-or - 

older child: Could I get pregnant?! 

parent: what do you think? 

child: I think you have to be a grown up, right? because a child can't take care of a kid..? 

parent: that's kind of a right, a girl can get pregnant if she's gone through puberty which happens to all kids when they start to grow up to be a teenager. So, no, you couldn't get pregnant right now. If you want, we can talk more about that, just tell me when you have questions.

8. expectations should be shared before you get where your going

we front load all behavioral expectations before we get anywhere we are going. Our house is pretty loose on rules, but we hold high expectations for behavior outside of our home, so it's important that we remind our kids of those expectations before we arrive somewhere. I've written about this before (here). 

9. whispers are louder than shouts

they don't hear me if I'm shouting, it's like white noise. But a whisper; you'd think I had a megaphone in their ear the way they respond. whispers can be conspiratorial and fun or whispers can be scary and mean business. a candle lit at the kitchen table for a normal weeknight dinner can be a whisper that slows down a chaotic day. calmness and patience has a better success rate at connecting than panic and urgency 100 percent of the time. 

10. time does not work like I think it should

Preparing for bedtime is the length of 82 days but a shower is 42 seconds. Naptime is simultaneously too quick and too long. The month of March is six months long but the actual 3 months of summer are approximately two weeks combined. Getting out the door takes three and a half hours, but even longer if you are already late. Children are a newborn for about ten hours and then 3 years old for roughly five years. From birth to 10 years old is the length of blinking your eyes. A night is long enough for a child to grow a visible amount. A tween asleep can time travel into the past so that their eyelashes and cheeks make them appear to be four years old again. School years seem to be able to hop time by sports so the four seasons last only as long as the game schedule. All of time that ever existed can collapse in on itself when little hands grab each side of your face for a kiss. 

11. I don't get to choose the core memories

It's just like that 'kids play with the box more than the toy' adage. No matter how grand your plans, no matter how big your vacations, no matter how elaborate the birthday parties; the kids will hold on to the smallest, most seemingly simple details as their childhood memories. I am regularly baffled by what sticks. Gemma saw a picture of her holding her teeball trophy the other day and said, "oh, that's the day Lulu (our cat) died." That was three years ago and she has trouble even remembering that we ever had a cat, let alone the day she died!? Another time, after a day that Grey and I had about 300 arguments and I was feeling pretty crap about myself as a mom, he shared at dinner that his high of the day was when I ruffled up his hair and kissed him on the head while he was drawing a picture. No clue how this memory thing works, I have no advice except to keep showing up and loving them everyday. We will just have to see how it shakes out, I guess. 

12. play the long game

the goal of parenting should not be make it to bedtime. the goal of parenting is make it to a productive and decent citizen of the community. I know how to make today easier - lots of screens and junk food and whatever will help the whining stop. but those things do not make for an easier parenthood, nor do they support the growth of a productive and decent citizen of the community someday. I have to do the hard, annoying things today; everyday. Because my end game is not tonight - my end game is 18+ years from now.

13. I am the grown up

these kids of ours are master negotiators. if one of them doesn't go on to be a lawyer I will keel over. their persistence and insistence and whining to get what they want is exhausting. They will literally ask and try to negotiate until they hope I will just crack from the annoyance of it. But I have the ace in my back pocket: I am the grown up. But being the grown up doesn't just mean I get to make the rules, but I also have to set the expectations and enforce the consequences and be consistent and fair and just and patient and kind and loving and honest and learn from my mistakes and be an example and live what I preach and try to do better each day. Now who is making dinner tonight? Aw shit, the grown up, huh? 

14. I am THEIR grown up

Advice for parents on how to raise their kids the right way is in no shortage. the thing is none of it works all of the time. my kids are different than everyone else's kids. my kids are each different from each other even. I taught Grey to read with no problem and with Gemma I'm pulling white rabbits out of hats to try to get her there. Violet learned to swim when she was two but still can't tie her shoes at five and half. My method is to accept all the advice - mostly people are trying to be helpful even if it feels unsolicited. I comb through the advice and find the things that I think might work for my kiddos and I try it out if I have the time and energy. Because no one knows my kids like I know my kids. No one has kissed their booboos and rubbed their backs after a nightmare day in and out like me. No one's feet has worn down the floor between my bed and theirs at sound of their voices calling out to me in the middle of the night. My mothering is a mixture of my mother and brandon's mother and my grandmothers and brandon's grandmother and my aunts and my friends and all of the mothers who have ever inspired me. But mostly it's me knowing my kids and loving them where they are. 

15. I am enough. 

sometimes it feels too big a job. too scary and frightening and overwhelming a job. too beautiful and blessed and undeserving a job. how will I ever be able to give them everything they deserve but not so much that they turn out to be jerks? how will I ever get them to do all the things we practiced? how will I ever trust that we did the best we could and they'll be okay? how will I ever get them to put their dirty laundry in the freaking hamper and close their dresser drawers? 

but here's the thing. 

All the practice and teaching and lessons and lectures.

all the raising up. 

what matters is that I love them. 

that I am theirs. 

and they are mine. 

forever and ever. 

it's their story. 

all of this, everyday

they are unfolding their own story

the moment they were born, they became the main character of their own story.

my greatest privilege is to get a front row seat to the show

it only ever matters that I show up, everyday. 

predictable as the sun. 

there she is again; Mom. 

loving them even when they take for granted that I am there. 

even when my voice is white noise. 

even when they are bigger than me.

there she is; Mom. 

They only need to look up in the stands and see that I'm looking at them. 

Watch this, Mom.

A witness to their life. 

Loving them no matter how simple or grand their life is

Mom; predictable as the sunrise.

The comfort and safety of being a child is that I love them

even when they are not paying attention

even when they mess up. 

even when they forget to call. 

even when they go far away. 

even if no one else seems to love them. 

even if they get to the door and turn back around

There she is; Mom.