digging deep

i'm here.

we'll here in a sense, not really here to all of you considering its been over a week since you've heard from me.  sorry about that.

we're just attempting to hang in there; through the normal everyday muck of life.  All the really non glamorous parts of a being a grown up with children and pets to be responsible for.  Ya know, the full time jobs, and the paying bills, and the cleaning up spit up, and throwing away another pair of shoes that the dog ate, and kissing black and blue marks, and carrying two babies at once, and the falling asleep in the middle of your sentence late at night in bed.

that last one actually happened last night.  i was telling B about picking Grey up from daycare and then I could hear myself move into complete nonsense as I was half telling reality and then also adding some strange combination of whatever my brain was attempting to start as a dream.  As in, "Grey cried when I dropped him off, but when I picked him up there was a man in an orange car and Miss Melissa said he did good but the man was looking for his dog.  bizarre.  B was just like, "go to bed, you sound insane."  hah, he loves me.

Its Wednesday, which means no daycare for Grey today.  Which means I'm working from home and taking care of both babies - which basically translates to very long days.  Things were quickly unraveling at breakfast this morning.  We had just created 'hugs to mail' for our family friend going through some medical stuff right now - which Grey had attempted to trace my hand for a 'high five to mail' and I realized that my view was a perfect snapshot of what my current life looks like.  There I was with a marker'ed hand, trying to eat breakfast, feed the baby, play cars with the toddler, and keep a handle on work.

In moments like this, literally, the only thought that keeps me from screaming on the top of my lungs - Gem was screaming for me to feed her faster, Grey was repeating over and over, 'Mumma, watch this,' while he slammed car after car into my breakfast plate, and my work phone buzzed incessantly with the notice of emails coming in...I just take a deep breath and send a kiss to my future self - the mum of grown up kids; the mum that thinks back on my current life and scolds me for letting it pass by; the mum that wishes her kids still needed and wanted all of her attention so much, she's me - maybe not tomorrow but in the near future.  Sometimes future me is the only thought that can remind current me to 'dig deep' and hang in there.

when I was playing volleyball in college, and we were ahead in points and getting to the end of an intense game or set - we would cheer to each other, "dig deep."  Which we meant as a way to say, "hold on - stay focused - you're almost there."  The phrase, "dig deep," automatically flashes a picture in my mind - not of someone digging with a shovel - but of a pair of boots with the heels pushed into mud, as though the owner of the feet is attempting to steady themselves as they pull on a rope - like in tug of war.

that is how i feel about us right now.  heels dug down into muddy ground, just hanging in there, and getting through - but ultimately still ahead in points - still winning in our charmed life.  We really have nothing to complain about - we both have jobs, our babies are healthy, we have good friends and food to eat.  Its just the muck of all of that right now that's slowing us down and making us sleepy.  So we need to remind ourselves to 'dig deep,' and stay focused for a little while until we get a little slack in our rope.

dear readers, thanks for hanging in there with me.