Rustin James, 9 years old

 Rustman, 

9 nine years old. What words are there to describe you - truly - the essence of you? You are gentle but wild. You are contemplative but slapstick funny. You are so deeply sweet and sensitive but explosive. You are remarkably thoughtful but consistently forgetful. My Gemini baby, my two sides of the coin boy. I love both sides with all my heart. 

At nine years old, you are still ten toes down in imagination. You will not give up the line and I love that for you. You come home from school, drop your backpack in the yard and jump right onto the trampoline to beat the holy heck out of your stuffed wrestling dummy, shouting, "Mom, watch this" as you do a Superfly Jimmy Snuka across the trampoline. You fight zombies with nerf guns alongside Reddy, will sit patiently as a student for Olive the teacher, and you still want to believe in all the magic of holidays so much that you convince yourself to hold on for a just little while longer, even as you hug and thank me and Dad for all your gifts never once mentioning the big man with the red suit. 

You haven't quite figured out which sports you love the most, although you do love being on teams. We've encouraged and supported you to try lots of things (more than any other kid!) and you still don't know which ones you like the best because you still hate practice and being on a schedule. (Although it does seem like after your first year of tackle football, you are locking that one in!) You want to just play all day and never have a clock exist and you'd also just like to show up on game day because you hate practice. You probably could actually just show up on game day because you are so strong and athletic anyway, but babe, practice is important. We will keep trying to convince you. 

It's that way with most things actually, you like hunting and fishing just fine but you're not committing all your time to them. You like reading Harry Potter, and watching NFL, and building legos, and boxing, and watching pro wrestlers, and playing Madden on the Xbox - but you're not making anything your whole personality. You just bounce all through the different things that everyone else is choosing to be their schtick and trying them out and not ever really wanting to pick any single thing. And honestly, good on you, Rust. 

You love sleeping in and staying up late (one of my night owls - you and Olive). You can sleep through the craziest stuff; talking, shouting, literally jumping over top of your body like a hurdle on the couch while Reddy plays solo football. Of all the things that we own, the trampoline is your favorite thing. You like sloppy joes and mac and cheese and are still pretty picky about food, but you are slowly getting better at trying new things and I'm grateful for that. Henry Danger is still your favorite show.

The age gap between you and Grey still feels vast which  means you guys can have fun together for a little while and then it turns into teasing and arguing. I say many times a day - "just give each other space?!" The two of you are different enough that you feel absolutely zero pressure to follow in his footsteps or try to compete with him. Literally, never once have you shown that you are worried about that. Good grief, that is such a relief to my soul. Because Rusty, you never do have to compete with him -not for your sake or his or me and dad's or literally anyone's - but that is a hard thing for brothers to know and I am so grateful that you DGAF what he is, has, or ever will do because somehow you already understand you are you and he is he and we can all let that shit be. 

You, Gemma, and Olive are my kind hearted, sensitive, skips (skip a kid in birth order). Gemma dotes on you and knows that if she needs help with something that you'll do it even begrudgingly, you'll still help her. You baby Olive and she knows it; the girl never wants for a thing because her knight in shining armor Rusty already has it ready to hand over. All three of you take care of each other and take care of the rest of us in kind words, and thoughtful gestures, and sweet hugs. I love the trio of my sensitive skips. 

Violet is the left hand to your right. My two meatballs in the middle of this family. So much of your life has been lived side by side, you two. Many of your friends are the younger siblings of Violet's friends. You share similar humors and interests. You have spent so much time together, you are the best version of compromising between siblings - you find a way to make it right for both of you in sharing and playing. Reddy is so lucky to have you as a big brother. A big brother who has older sisters (like you) is a brother who has rounded corners; who can tease you right up until the crying - who will accidentally elbow you in the mouth while wrestling but then say sorry and mean it (instead of, "it wasn't that hard!") The two of you buzz around this house like a little cyclone of nerf guns, foam swords, footballs, and boxing gloves. It is wonderfully chaotic. 

Honestly, no one has as many friends as you. Like on this Earth. Every where we go, kids are always calling out to say, "Hi, Rusty!" I look at you and say, "Who even is that?" You tell me that its some kid who you played with at an older siblings' game three weeks ago...ya know, so and so's brother that you've seen literally once in your life but apparently you made an impact of friendship on them. 

You really are a friend to all - older kids, younger kids, kids your age. You are kind and patient with adults who want to yap with you and you stand there and let them speak and then answer thoughtfully back when they ask you questions. You can hang with the big kids because you are tough and strong and so freaking funny. You go all in on games with kids your age always everyone's first pick on their kickball or recess football teams. And you are the most silly big kid when you are with little kids - they love playing with you because you act so goofy and make them feel like the main character in your life. All your little cousins say, "Where's Rusty?" first thing when they walk into our house because they want to play with you most. 

Dude, you will probably grow up to be a politician or a stand up comedian because the charm comes off of you in waves. Aura (as the kids say these days), you've got it my Rustman.

Rust, your laugh. I love it so much. 

You have lots of a laughs because you are such a chameleon among people (you get that from your Dad). But there is a real laugh that doesn't come for free and it can't be faked. 

You are sensitive and always reading between all the lines of situations and conversations. You are very good at reading a room and a vibe and I think that means that maybe you know the world can be a little brutal out there. You are always ready to be the one to pick someone up with a kind word or an offer to play. You hug me multiple times a day just to say, "love you mom" and when I ask you if you had a good sleepover or playdate you say, "it was great, only thing was - I missed you." and you don't even really mean that (LOL) but you say it because you just wanted to be a sweetie and remind me that even when you are not with me, I matter to you. (how did I get so lucky to be your mom?) Like somehow you know the world is lonely and harsh and we need to remember to tell each other we're not alone. You get that because you are brilliant and kind and soft hearted and no one deserves you (not even me, baby). 

But, when you find something truly funny and you are honestly surprised and delighted in the humor of the world - your laugh comes from the deepest part of your belly; so genuine and fully rounded and good. I can hear it from the front seat of the car when you're in the third row. I can hear it from the kitchen when you're in the living room. It is like a honing signal that grabs my attention and says - it's all going to be okay. It gives my heart a jolt of relief and joy to hear that real laugh come out of you. One of my favorite sounds on Earth, Rustman. 

Love you forever and ever
even if you make me crazy
even if you forget a million things
even when you are so much bigger and stronger than me
forever and ever and ever
I love you, Mr. Handsome,
Momma