The Mom Next Door Series: Ashlee S

What feels like many moons ago, Brandon and I went to the same small high school as our Mom Next Door, Ashlee and her fiance Josh.  So we've known each other for a long time, but never more closely than the February of 2012 when Ashlee and I both had daughters.  Ashlee's daughter, Taylor was born just two weeks before our Gemma and for reasons only the universe could possibly understand, our Gemma was born healthy and mostly worry-free...while Ashlee's 'Miss Tay' was born with hydrocephalus; a condition that allows excessive cerebrospinal fluid to build up causing harmful widening of the ventricles and pressure to the brain.

As a Mom, I know that Ashlee has surely endured more sleepless nights, more worry and stress than I have over the last two and a half years as we have each watched our daughters grow and learn.  And despite the difference in our daughters' physical health, we have also simultaneously celebrated our girls' milestones, quirky and funny personalities, and terrible two's.  We are mothering our two year old girls parallel each other but also travelling on two very different paths.

September is Hydrocephalus Awareness month, so I am so honored and happy to be able to introduce you this week to Ashlee and her family, including the brave and indomitable Miss Tay.  

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Who are you?  My name is Ashlee, and I'm 32 years old and I live in Johnstown PA.  I am currently engaged to Josh and we, collectively, have 4 amazing kiddos. Brennan is 13, Chance is 10, Elliana is 7 and Miss Tay is 2. We also have a cat named Flynn, a dog we call Hank (or anything that rhymes with Hank lol) and a Box Turtle who goes by Bowser.

What do you do for work? I have been a stay home mama for the large majority of the last 13 years. Very recently though, I decided to try to have the best of both worlds and I became an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay. I get to be home whenever I want, or whenever I'm needed....and I get to get out and "hang with the girls" and make some extra money when it fits my schedule.

I also maintain a public facebook page where I keep people updated about our daughter, Taylor, who was born with severe hydrocephalus. www.facebook.com/prayfortayurban. and bring awareness to other families who are fighting and living the same battle.

What was the most difficult Mom moment you've had (so far)? Definitely being told that our unborn baby 'wouldn't live and if she did she would be unable to do anything, even breathe on her own.'  Despite the news, we knew we would still continue with the pregnancy, and so then came the preparation for our other children of the possibility of them having a very sick sibling.

Taylor was, after our initial diagnosis of "no brain, no hope", diagnosed with hydrocephalus. Hydrocephalus is also known as 'water on the brain', and is a lifelong condition where cerebrospinal fluid has no way to exit the ventricles of the brain. They swell and cause the brain to be pushed against the skull, which can cause numerous complications. 

The most common way to treat Hydrocephalus is the placement of a shunt; a siphon-like device that drains the fluid from the ventricles of the brain in the peritoneal cavity where it is reabsorbed by the body. Taylor had her first shunt placed when she was 1 day old and had a revision at 2 months old. Since then we have been very lucky, as shunts have the highest failure rate of every other medically implanted device. We joyfully celebrated our 2 year "shuntiversary" in April!! 

What would your pre-mom self be surprised to know about motherhood? Everything. Really, I thought that the vast amounts of babysitting I had done had me ready to be a mom - boy was I wrong! Even just in terms of the emotional side of it!  It's not a thing you can comprehend until you become a mom. Also, I should note...pre-mom me would never ever wipe someones snotty nose on a shirt cuff (in a pinch) and just roll it down like nothing ever happened! 

Which chore is your least favorite? Laundry, by far. With 6 people in a house...including a toddler and a teenager it just never ever ever ends. Ever.

What keeps you up at night? Fear of seizures and fear of shunt malfunction. The fact that either can happen with literally no warning whatsoever keeps me awake long after I should be asleep just listening to Taylor breathe and praying we have one more day without either surprise. 

What big projects, worries, or events have you busy right now? Summer in general keeps us busy; football and cheerleading is starting up and that's always a crazy time of year. Also, we are trying to find the time and money to renovate our attic so we can move the boys up there for their bedrooms and finally get Taylor out of our bedroom and into her own. We've been working on this awhile now and are finally making bits of headway.

a recent overnight EEG

How do you unwind or re-charge?  Unwind? Recharge? What are these things you speak of? :-) Really though, mostly I read. I try crafts, but find I don't have the time or money to dedicate to the really cool things I "pin." An occasional night out with Josh, or with the girls does wonders too...when its possible.

What do you feel like you wish you were better at being a mom? I wish I was more fun....sometimes I really need to stop and remember that cleaning can wait!

What has become (at least for now) your parenting mantra or guiding principle?  Enjoy this day; this moment,  because you can't ever have it back. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring.

 Please take time in honor of Hydrocephalus Awareness Month to learn more about Hydrocephalus and how you can help by visiting www.hydroangelsoveramerica.org and at www.fetalhydrocephalus.com

The 5 Emotional Stages of the Last Month of Pregnancy

Currently in my third round of the last month of pregnancy, I have observed (and am experiencing) the highly volatile swing of emotional states that rightfully comes after growing a human for 36+ weeks.   I theorize that there is a trend to those emotions of the last month and have highlighted them here as helpful checklist for both pregnant women and the people that love them to bring awareness and acceptance to what might come in those final weeks before your blessed newborn arrives.

Keep in mind that these emotions do not have any definitive length of duration and are certainly not static in their ordering.  Women in the last month of pregnancy can move through the emotions at any rate and flip back and forth between the stages within less than a moment's notice.

The 5 Emotional Stages of the Last Month of Pregnancy
(entirely unofficial and pretend)


1. Anticipation - You feel like you can finally see the light at the end of this long tunnel called pregnancy!  Your due date is nearing and you are full of energy and motivated to finally get those last items completed on your to do list.  When people ask you how much longer you have, you happily respond, 'Just a few more weeks!'  Every slight feeling of  off-ness sends your wishful heart into excitement, 'Maybe this is it!' you imagine enthusiastically.  You make plans for the upcoming weeks in pencil only with a heart full of hope that you'll just be too busy with a newborn to actually attend any of them.

2. Jaded - The excitement has worn away now and it feels as though these last final weeks are somehow longer than all the other months of pregnancy combined.  You grow increasingly weary to answer, yet again, that your due date 'still isn't for another few weeks, but thank you very much for commenting on how that seems impossible to you with what my belly looks like.'  Almost all items on your to do list are done, and then some.  Braxton-Hicks become annoying reminders that you are still not ready for actual labor.  You start the unhelpful act of Googling 'How to Naturally Induce Labor' and 'Wives Tales for Bringing on Labor.' You call friends and family to make firm plans for the upcoming weeks just to distract yourself from the constant feeling of waiting around.

3. Bitterness- You wake up one morning after a sleepless night of constant bathroom breaks and inconsistent, albeit frustrating, pressure and pain in your back - to realize that now you're mad.  Angry that there is not a thing you can do about getting the child out until they are damn well ready to be born; a huge reminder of what being a parent is; running on someone else's schedule.  Thoughts of your non-pregnant body and mind feel like they are from another lifetime ago.  You come to realize that simply thinking about how long it has been since you have been able to do certain things; sleep on your stomach, paint your own toenails, hug someone straight on comfortably, infuriates you;  how foreign having control over your own body seems!  If you sneeze and pee your pants a little one.more.time, you will certainly lose your flipping mind?!  You roll your eyes, grind your teeth and, eat 12 cookies just in spite of yourself.

4. Hopelessness -  And then the waterworks start as your speaking to the person that happens to be the closest to you at that moment...and by closest I mean in physical proximity; this could be your spouse, your mom,  the doctor's office secretary, or the man at the check out counter.  Through streaming tears, you ramble on about a variety of irrational thoughts; "maybe this baby will never come out, I've been pregnant for so long and I miss my old self, I can't wait to finally see the baby's face, how will I be able to manage another child, I'm a bad mom for feeling upset about still being pregnant."  The person listening to this generally will stare at you with saucer eyes and if you're lucky, they will follow up with an encouraging, "even though it doesn't feel like it - you're doing great.  Now how about a warm bath?" (well, that might be creepy coming from the check out counter guy, but you get the idea).

5. Tolerance - This emotional state is generally brought about by the sudden realization that your life as it is right this moment (newborn still on the inside) efficiently operates like a well-oiled machine and that will very, very soon come to an end.  It comes on in moments like when your entire family sleeps in until 8:30am and you quickly remember that this will not likely happen again for quite some time.  Or when you find the kids eating breakfast and happily watching Team Umizoom while you get a few interrupted minutes to pound out a blogpost (hello!).  It's the thought (however fleeting) that, "Okay, fine.  It's not so bad and I can handle this for a little while longer.  I mean, the baby IS coming soon, regardless.....right?"



In the past two weeks, I, personally, have been steadily exchanging emotional stages 2-5 with terrifying speed.  Like, by the half hour.  Just yesterday alone, I did a lap of stages 2-4 within a matter of two hours.  Luckily this morning (for now at least), I am settled in stage 5 and I'm enjoying my two little gremlins and the prospect of a semi-productive day ahead.

Thank you to my husband, Mum, Mum-in-law, and sisters for putting up with sheer insanity.  Seriously, they are being brave to call me; they don't know which crazy version of myself they will encounter on the other end.  Thanks for still calling to check in anyway!

And to my two kids - I love you.  You will almost never NOT think I'm crazy in your lives anyway, and that's fine - but right now, I really am being crazy, I'm promise I'm trying to keep it together and be a rational mum for you, but even still I know things have been a little out of sorts around here.  So thanks for all the snugs, kisses, hugs, and patience that your little 4 and 2 year old selves can muster.  I mostly can't wait for this baby to be born so she can meet both of you.  What a lucky girl to be getting the two of you for family.



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This list was written in good fun and for humor.  In no way do I mean to accuse pregnant women that they are actually crazy (au contraire:  you're a superhero!).

If, however, you feel like you are depressed or are having thoughts that you cannot handle on your own, please speak to your doctor or a professional immediately.

You can also visit some of these sites for more information about depression and pregnancy:
American Pregnancy Association:  Depression in Pregnancy
Women's Health:  Depression During and After Pregnancy
Parents:  Coping with Anxiety and Depression during Pregnancy
Postpartum Progress

My problem with the waiting

During quiet time yesterday, I laid on our bed with wet hair after a shower and called my Mom to announce, "Ugh, I just feel done."

Pregnancy seems deliberately just a little bit too long.  Like that final month is the really in place just to get the Mom mentally prepared to choose the alternative of being pregnant; getting the baby out, raising a newborn; zombie-level exhaustion.  Right now, I want that.

After nearly 38 weeks of growing a human, I want control back over my own body.  I want to meet this girl, I want to completely disrupt our life as we know it to make room for  this new person who will make us all very in love and very, very tired.

The problem with the waiting is that I'm a planner.  I make checklists, and countdowns, and mark off calendar dates - and although technically I have a "date" to cling to for dear life - everyone knows that it's more unlikely for your child to actually be born on that date than not.

So in these final weeks, I experience this horribly hopeless rollercoaster of excitement with the slightest feeling of off-ness.  Is this it?  Maybe this is the start of it!  And then minutes or hours later, the feeling is gone and hope has now been replaced with frustration and impatience.

Meanwhile, I keep reminding myself that I need to focus on the due date; still another 15 days away.  I know I need to focus on mentally making the distance, and yet, I cannot push down this endless reserve of hope that she'll come sooner; both so I can finally see her sweet face and also not be pregnant again(..for awhile at least).

selfie found on my phone

We finished our baby-prep checklist weeks ago, and so I've been tackling other projects with the sentiment of well, might as well do it since I have the time right now.  Things like getting the kids fall/winter clothes switched out, cleaning out and inventory'ing the deep freezer, tackling the kids' toys and book clutter.

Although that means I'm being super productive, it still only gives off a minimal sense of accomplishment.  I want this baby out of my body and in my arms.  Period.  No amount of items checked off my to do lists compare to that goal and it's entirely exhausting and frustrating.

After my phone pity party with my Mom yesterday (thanks for the chat, Mum!) I contemplated for a full two minutes a way to occupy the kids while I just spent the rest of the afternoon laying around feeling miserable, and then metaphorically brushed myself off and go to work.  If I'm being honest with myself; laying around almost never makes me feel better, and the fastest way to feeling better (at least for me) is to get items checked off lists.  (and let's be honest - I'm a little hopeful it will somehow inspire labor to start - we've all read the stories about women who get the urge to clean and then go into labor, blah blah blah).

So I changed all the bed sheets, and made dinner, and baked blueberry pie, and worked on pages for our upcoming new board book (!) for The Hunting Daddies, and vacuumed the downstairs, and enlisted Brandon and the kids in bathing the dogs.

Last night after baths and while the kids were getting settled into bed, I sat in the rocking chair feeling grateful for the final weeks of two.  Gem has completely changed in the past few weeks into a full blown little girl, cracking us up with the little thoughts and behaviors she blesses us with regularly.  Grey has stepped us his helpfulness in the sweetest way and shown so much patience with his sister.

I know these last few weeks have purpose:  for our baby to get her lungs strong and put on some extra plumpness.  For our current two kids to get used to me being distracted and for them to practice learning to play together independently and figure out their own forms of conflict resolution.  For more items on our to do lists to get check off while we have the time and energy now.  For my mind and spirit to be mentally ready (anticipating with joy actually!) do to the impossible task of getting this girl into the world.

And despite knowing all this...at the end of the day, she is still in there and we are still without her out here.  And that is endlessly frustrating at this stage of the game.