We are really bad at personal space

While in grad school for teaching, I participated in a ice breaker activity in which we were paired up and asked to talk about personal space; our own experience with it growing up and how we experience it as adults.  I remember thinking it was something I hadn't really ever thought about as contributing to the way I experience life - but while speaking to my partner, we giggled about how our childhoods differed in the experience of personal space - hers included clear boundaries while mine...not so much.  

Growing up, my family and I were very lax about personal space.  We shared couches, fell asleep on top of each other in the backseat of the car, shared stole each other's clothes and shoes, and walked in and out of bathrooms while someone else was using it.  My family is notorious for announcing half apologetically when parting ways with someone we only met for the first time; "We're huggers," before scooping them up in our open arms for an (sometimes awkward, sometimes totally grateful) embrace.  It is not uncommon to see our family (to this day), holding hands, eating from each other's plates, or sitting tangled among each other's limbs on the couch.  

Compounded with my upbringing, Brandon and I started dating in the zero-personal-boundaries era of the teenage years followed by six years long distance which helped cement our feelings that personal space is totally overrated.  We sleep just as comfortably together in a king size bed as we do in a twin or on a couch.  One of Gigi's favorite stories about me goes something along the lines of knowing it would never be a dull life when her future daughter in law makes herself comfortable right next to her in bed watching tv.

And now with small kids - personal space is precariously near extinction in our house.  Books are read with kids on laps, movies are watched while we all share a couch, our 90 lb. pitlabs believe they are lapdogs, and in the morning it is not unusual for our bed to hold all four humans and at least one dog who have all mysteriously gravitated to us at some point in the early morning.

Our kids are 'huggers' now too, offering hello and goodbye hugs to whoever is present at the time.  They play within a radius of only a foot or two between each other regularly.  Their punishment for arguing is separation from each other or us; basically the worst thing ever at our house.

They like to play rough; ninja fighting and chase/tackle - but also gently; mumma/daddy and baby, or owner/pet; either way very near each other.  We all sit, lay, and relax close together.  We have our own hashtag on instagram (#bigolesnugs )  as it's such a normal thing in our life to be all snuggled up together.

Because 'hold you' is the most used phrase in our house and our kids get into legit arguments over who gets to lay with us first - we've gone so far as creating words for the spaces that someone can lay around us on the couch!  Most people know about The Spoon (laying in front of someone), but we also have other options for sharing couch space:  The Ditch (squeezed in the space behind someone and slightly on top of the person), The Nest (sitting or reclined in the space created by bent knees), and The Garage (the open space below a person's feet).  The Spoon is the most coveted spot, but the others provide decent consolations when the Spoon is already occupied.

photo credit:  Greyson 4yrs.

Because we are incredibly deficient as parents in being examples of owning personal boundaries - we make a conscious effort in attempting to bring awareness to spatial boundaries and we try our best to help our kids learn about the importance of personal space for others - even though we don't practice it within our own family.

We talk about some of the following to help bring awareness to our kids about personal boundaries and space:

• Recognizing when we need our own space (when we feel too hot or when we feel angry) and using the words, "I need my space right now" when we feel like this
• Watching our friends and other people for cues on how they want to say hello or goodbye.  Talking about other ways to say hello or goodbye besides hugging:  high fives, thumbs up, etc.
• Practicing consent while playing:  stopping what we are doing when a playmate cries, says 'no,' or says "I don't like this."  
• Using our words to tell someone when we feel uncomfortable, "I don't like that," "that is too rough," or "please don't tease me." 
• Practicing saying, "No, thank you" if we don't want to hug someone else

As poor examples of personal space ourselves, we want to make sure to be taking steps to help our kids recognize other people's need for personal space and how important it is to be aware of it and respect it.  We recognize and want to help our kids be aware of when they make someone else feel uncomfortable by being overly affectionate.  

Even more so, we know it's an important lesson to start teaching early, as they are only young now, so as to make sure that as they get older, bigger, more grown-up in appearance - that they are familiar that personal boundaries are something to respect of others and important to create for themselves.  

Surely as they grow up, they'll pull away from us in various ways - both emotionally and physically - but until then, we'll be all snuggled up on one couch together breathing each other's air.  What can we say - we're huggers.

Does family share the same physical space too?  Or do you create and respect each other's personal space in ways in various ways?   

The Mom Next Door Series: Cara E.

Today's Mom Next Door is from a momma who is near and dear to my heart.  So near and dear in fact, she's in the family.  This week, my cousin Cara is sharing a little about her life as a new-ish mom navigating not only the world of motherhood but also another country as she and her family recently relocated to Germany on military orders.

Cara is my husband's first cousin and I have known her since she was probably 11 or 12 years old.  I've watched her grow into a teenager, adult, and now a momma.  She has always been full of life, spirit, and beauty - but never more so as she is as a Mom.

Lainey is so lucky to have her as a Mum and I feel lucky to have her voice included in this series.  Please read on to learn more about Cara and her reflections on becoming a Mom.
 
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Who are you? My name is Cara Edmonds, (previously a Studer!) I was born and raised in rural Pennsylvania. After joining the military, I was stationed in Tacoma, Washington for three years where my husband and I met. We just recently moved to Germany on military orders!

Who is in your family?  Myself, my husband Bruce, and our 7 month old daughter Lainey live on a military base in Baumholder, Germany. I also have a 5 year old stepdaughter, Larissa. She lives with her mother here in Germany.  And we just got a brand new addition to our family, a beautiful Bengal kitten named Neeko.

What do you do for work?  I was active duty military for 3 years. Upon my pregnancy we decided as a family it was best for me to accept an honorable discharge so I could be a full time Mommy to our Lainey girl. I plan on using my benefits to get back in school full time this fall. Very exciting and nerve racking.

What would your pre-mom self be surprised to know about motherhood? The amazingness of it all.  How much this tiny little human would make me love, endlessly. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking how deep this love goes. How on October 29th, 2013 at 1:19 AM, my life would forever be changed.  Everything now has new meaning, purpose, and appreciation.

What was the most difficult Mom moment you've had (so far)?  The first two weeks of Lainey’s life. We found out at 20 weeks pregnancy that she had a birth defect called Gastroschisis. This meant that her abdominal wall didn't properly close, and her intestines were on the outside of her body through an opening next to the umbilical cord. I had to go for weekly ultrasounds the rest of the pregnancy.   Every gastroschisis is unique, so they told me that they have no idea of the severity of the situation until she would be born. I was induced so the whole team needed for our girl afterwards were waiting. Just moments after being born my angel needed an operation. They were able to put everything back inside her and where it should be right then. I was able to go see her about 3 hours after she was born.

She spent the next 2 weeks in the NICU. We were so blessed, for her speedy recovery, and her ability to begin eating and digesting without issues. It was so hard to leave her in the NICU to go home each night without her. I wanted to be present all the time; I feared she would wake up, and I wouldn't be there and imagined how scary that would be for her. I felt like I wasn't being her mother. At the time it was so frustrating, every poke of her foot to draw blood every four hours, would make me cry. But I knew that the nurses did more for her than I could given the situation.  With faith and prayers (and more faith and prayers!)  Our Lainey won! God bless her surgeon and all her amazing nurses. I could never show them all my gratitude.

How do you unwind ore re-charge? Unwinding is the best. TV and Me = meant to be!! I have many silly little shows I get so excited for, that its probably a little ridiculous (lol). To name a few Face Off, Project Runway, Hell’s Kitchen, Cutthroat Kitchen. & Jimmy Fallon. Everyone needs some Jimmy Fallon. To recharge I like to drink coffee with Girl Scout Samoa creamer in the morning sun!

Who are the moms you look up to? There are two mothers that jump out at this question. My mother and my sister Tausha. I speak of both of them when I say their love is endless. They are both Christian women who raise their children with Christian values. They are so hardworking and make -what would be impossible to someone else- possible. They never give up. They are hands down the strongest women and mothers I know. True role models of the woman and mom I hope to one day be!

stay connected despite distance.  Cara's Mom, Dad, Sister, Niece, and Grandmother talking via technology

What do you feel like you wish you were better at being a mom? I feel some guilt for not following through with breastfeeding. With Lainey being in the NICU I was able to pump and store a lot, but being busy; my supply ran down. Also, I would feel so frustrated when she’s screaming and crying of hunger, and just giving her a bottle made her happy, and in return make me happy too. I guess in the end, it really isn't for everyone. If bottle feeding my child can help me to enjoy her more, then so be it! Plus she got the good stuff for the first few weeks!

What do you feel like you are really good at as a mom? I feel I am very patient and compassionate as a mother. And its crazy because patience was one of my biggest fears of motherhood. My patience has run very thin the older I get (this is normal right? Haha!) but with Lainey it’s a whole different story. I love to snuggle my sometimes irrationally cranky sweet angel!

our beautiful unstructured days

I try to keep parenting in perspective by imagining the things I will someday miss about these days with very young kids.  I've written about it before and think about it often.  On days when I've answered 36,000 questions and listened to 64 stories about Bigfoot, and cheered along to 93 of the kids 'shows,' it is sometimes difficult to imagine a time when my future teenagers will walk in the door and not even speak to me.   I try to envision the days to come when I have to pry information out of them about their days and their interests.  When they make friends with parents that we don't already know.  Crushes, peer pressure, boyfriends, girlfriends, heartbreak, failed test scores, team tryouts; these things belong in a parenting world yet foreign to us.

There is one thing about our life right now that feels frighteningly numbered and that is the beauty in our unstructured life.  There are so many reasons I feel blessed to stay home with our very young kids, mainly because that means we operate within an unstructured day.   We have no clocks barking at us, no third party schedules, no practices, no due dates, no homework; we have nowhere else to be than right where we are at almost any given time.

The kids slept in yesterday until after 8:30a and while getting changed out of pajamas, the three of us laid in Gemma's bed and pretended that various animals lived in the knots in the bunk bed wood.  As they suggested various hole-dwelling animals (worms, snakes, chipmunks) and I tickled them, pretending those animals were biting them. Later, they played on the slip n' slide for over an hour...because we could.  Lunch happens when we're hungry and we do 'activities' when the kids get bored.  The only place I had to be yesterday was at the dentist for an appointment and my Mum (thank you!) came to play with them for a few hours while I ran there and then to the grocery store.

B got home from work yesterday and for a hilarious half hour wrestled and slammed the kids on the bed while they joyfully shouted; "Again!"

I spend my days caring for our house and life (bills, cleaning, cooking, etc), but also playing board games, snuggling with Gemma before her nap, reading about tree frogs, teaching Grey to fold dish towels, and being there with open arms to tiny requests of 'hold you.'

This is my main job as a parent right now.  We try to follow a loose schedule for the weekdays to keep the kids learning new stuff:
Make Something Monday
Reading Tuesday
What's Cookin' Wednesday
Thoughtful Thursday
Explore Friday

...but most of our days consist of free play; the kids decide what looks fun and that's what they do for as long as they're interested.  It's out of that kind of play that I watch my kids learn and discover on their own while I answer questions and manage arguments mostly about sharing.

But these days are numbered.  I can feel them closing in on us.

Although four years old, Grey will not be attending preschool this year.

This comes as a surprise to loads of people that ask what are plans are for the fall.  Brandon and I have talked about it and agreed since there is no free preschool available at our local public school and paying for it seems sort of outrageous considering we live on one paycheck.  We'd definitely find a way to send him if we thought he needed it; mentally, emotionally, or socially - but he's a pretty well adjusted kid as we make sure to do educational things at home (thanks Pinterest) and spend great amounts of social time with friends, family, and playground stranger kids and talking about manners.

We have purposely limited enrolling the kids in activities over the past two years too.  Our kids don't play on teams, or attend multiple classes throughout the year.  They went to vacation bible school for a week this summer and this winter we plan to enroll them in gymnastics and/or indoor soccer.  But other than that, we keep it all pretty close to home.

Because we are keenly aware that there is only a very short time that they will get to have totally unadulterated freedom to do whatever they want with no restrictions of schedules.  Sure, they'll have summers in the future that will lay before them blissfully unoccupied, but even then we will likely have practices, or summer reading packets, camps, or sleep overs scheduled.  They will also be a little older which means a little more removed from us - a little less interested in spending that unadulterated freedom with us.

This time next year, we will be staring Kindergarten in the face.  Our first baby will be preparing to step into thirteen+ years of education.  Brandon and I were both athletes and multiple club members in high school, so we know from experience how entire seasons can be swallowed whole by practices, games, and laundry alone.  School and after-school commitments will dictate our lives for most of the rest of our parenting days.  I am a planner, so I'm confident in my future ability to deal with the scheduling of pick-ups, drop offs, dinner planning, homework completing, awards ceremonies, and fundraisers.

Our kids will have their whole lives to follow schedules and be on time for things.

But all that can wait.

Because we still have at least one year of beautifully, perfect unstructured days.

And the kids and I have absolutely no where to be today.  So maybe we'll take a walk in the woods, or take a trip to the bank followed by a stop at the playground, or maybe we'll dig for worms in the yard. We still have left some wonderfully, yet numbered, days that I fully intend to squeeze every little giggle, hug, and smile out of it while we still got 'em.