The distribution of energy

The distribution of energy in our home is grossly imbalanced, especially in the last 16 weeks as my energy has been mostly consumed by growing our third Studerbaby.

only 16 weeks, but my bump suggests 20+.  bleh, #thirdpregnancyproblems

Maybe it's been the dramatically shifting weather these past two weeks, but the distribution has seemed even more unfair - today especially.  I have been meaning to go through the kids' shoes for weeks now as Gem still has 2 sizes too small shoes out and about down here

...my dining room table hasn't seen the light of day in weeks (..months maybe!?) covered in random items of things that belong upstairs or in the garage or have yet to have a home yet.

...and this past Friday while I was hurrying out the door with the two kids in tow to pick up a couple things at the store, I thankfully caught sight of myself in the mirror and audibly gasped.  "When was the last time I had a proper shower?"  Oh God, seriously, when?  There was no explaining to the kids at that point that we couldn't leave the house as they were already wearing shoes and trying to put their coats on.  Ugh, that last stretch to get out the door is some of the worst parts of the day - there was no turning back now.  And I kid you not, my friends, in that moment I was grateful for Walmart because at that moment - with two cranky kids and greasy hair, and yoga pants - I knew I would be accepted without a second glance.  It was not one of my finest moments.

Bud leaves in the early morning for work all day, I spend my day chasing these two among other tasks that allow us to maintain health, financial legality, and ya know, general living.  B gets home from work - we smile and speak in glances while we endure a dinner of unbelievable noise - how does so much noise and sounds come from two small humans? - and then say goodnight to each other as we each put a child to bed.  Because do you know what happens at 9pm?  WE FALL ASLEEP before the kids in their rooms.  For probably a solid 2 months, this has been happening.  Whoever wakes up at approximately 1am, will rouse the other and drag their nearly lifeless body into our own bed until we wake up to do it again.

It is the blur.  We are so deep in the blur; it's not even funny.

they're everywhere.  and with more mess usually.

There are good times too, obviously - moments of beautiful love.  Flickers of amazing, magical strings of light.

And then most of the rest of the day; we're trying to STAY AWAKE and remember what the hell it was that we were just doing.  And also trying to talk ourselves into completing a scarily daunting task, like I don't know, say vacuuming the upstairs or baking Easter cookies.

Let's get back to that energy distribution though, eh?
Mathematically and scientifically speaking - taking my very best guess and looking at all the observable data - I'm figuring the distribution of wealth energy (although same difference at this point) to look something like this:

Human Energy Distribution at Team Studer:
Greyson:  45%
Gemma:   35%
StuderBaby #3 (sucking from mother):  10%
Daddy: 6%
Mumma:  a measly 4%

This is currently what is happening right now:

lava floor and couch cushions as it's only 35 degrees outside.

But why don't I just turn on a movie, right?  As tempting as that is right now, I know that if they don't have tv after 5pm it means less difficult and earlier bedtimes.  And right now, sanity feels less important than putting the kids to bed and spending time with Brandon in silence and non-moving distractions.

If only I could guarantee I'll be awake for it tonight.
it's not looking so good, friends.

We make this world

Another terrible thing has happened today.  Just a little ways a way, actually - in a town we just passed through on Monday night while traveling to see friends only an hour and a half away.

My heart aches for the parents and students that were terrified, worried, and afraid.

My first thought is never, 'What is this world coming to?'
Because this is not a question that moves us forward in times of sadness or fear.
Nor is it the answer to blame the world; or others.

I see myself in the parents of the kids hurt.
I see myself in the parents of the suspect.
I see myself in the teachers and staff.
I see myself as me; someone who learns about the incident only through the soundbites and snapshots that made it through the media.
I see myself as me; someone who will look my own children in the eyes everyday and say honestly and with hope, 'yes, this is a place that is beautiful and magical and kind.'

Because I know one thing is true:
WE are the ones that make this world.
every.single.day.

WE create the world by the choices that we make that influence, affect, or impact anyone that comes in contact with us.  When in the presence of others; strangers or familiar - do we choose to react with patience at an inconvenience?  Do we respond with gratitude and kindness?  Do we leave people feeling refreshed, energized, and inspired?

and in today's world, that also means the contact that we have with others virtually.  Do we post and like and share things that lift people up?  Do we choose to ignore hate, fear-mongering, or gossip spreading? Or do we choose to ignite it?

So, the kids and I talked about bullies and standing up for others today, as we frequently do.  We talk about choices and use various words for the feelings that we have.  We look at characters on shows and movies and talk about aloud how we think they might be feeling and why.  We talk about what makes a bully, processing feelings of embarrassment and moving forward despite difficulties, and ways we can step in as  bystander for someone in trouble.  Each day we attempt to actively works towards being kind, compassionate, and patient.
Because we create the world today and will again tomorrow.

If interested, I find these very insightful and helpful when reflecting in moments like this:
Testing how a small acts of kindness create ripples
Yes, You can teach compassion to your son (and yourself)
My Kid would never do that:  bullying (Dateline video)

What I guess I want to say is; if we want the world to be a more beautiful, caring, and safe place, then we need to look to ourselves for the state of the world.

I am small, but even a grain of sand dropped in water will make a ripple.

Greyson at four is

Greyson at four is 

wild, unrelenting energy that bubbles out through wild swinging motions and loud outbursts coupled with fits of giggles.  It's endless jumping, climbing, dancing, sliding, and running.  Always running.

Greyson at four is

questions asked for real understanding.  No more endless, meaningless "Why?  Why? Why?" following every statement.  Rather, questions asked without warning and with surprising ranges of maturity and honest curiosity.  "What does tornado mean?"..."Why do you tell everyone we will be tired in the summer?  Does it never get dark and we won't sleep?"..."When will I be 14?"..."When Bullet and Trixie get dead will they go to our heaven too?"

Greyson at four is
a newly discovered gentleness to his baby sister and animals.  Always the first (and the most patient) to pet and snuggle up to our dogs.  It's asking for a new puppy for his birthday and a baby chick and white mouse for Easter.  It's helping his sister get dressed and playing "Daddy" when they pretend she is a baby or a dog.  These moments are in stark contrast to the normal pace of wild and they baffle me each time.

Greyson at four is

leaps and bounds in learning.  Recognizing letters, much improved fine motor skills, an ability to decipher first letter sounds in words, understanding numbers and value, hitting a pitched baseball, use of vocabulary words that were never there before.  Long gone are the days of getting something by him, he is listening and paying attention to every action, word, and reaction.  

Greyson at four

is my first child caught between baby and boy.   It's wondering aloud in disbelief (the both of us) how no one ever grows smaller; only bigger.  He wants to both be a 'baby in my belly again' but also be as big as Daddy's basketball players.  He wants carried to the house from the car when sleepy and also refuses to hold my hand unless we are in a parking lot.  He wants to do everything by himself, but also states that some things he will do when he 'gets a little bigger.  Maybe when I'm five."

Happy birthday to our first baby.
Each year seems impossibly too long and too fast at the same time.
You herald us into each new age and stage like a fearless leader, my darling.
The first one; the one who made us parents.
Thank you for your effortless, hilarious wisdom.
You are so wonderful, baby.

I love you forever and ever.
even when you get so big.
mum.