An Open Letter to my Daughter about Her Body

My darling,

You will spend much of your life receiving mixed messages about how you should feel about your own body.  They'll try to get you to walk the line between being 'too skinny' and 'proud of your curves' and having muscles - but not too many. They'll try to convince you that your skin is too light or your skin is too dark; your hair too flat or it needs tamed.  That you should use more make-up or that au natural is what looks best.  That looking older when you are young and younger when you are old is vital to beauty.

But my girl, please hear this; the only suggestion about the way that you look that should ever matter will come from your own body.

Your body will find a way to tell you that you should slow down because of the discomfort in your knees or back.  And you'll start to remember that you need to pick up exercising again when your favorite jeans feel snug.  When you realize you just cannot brush those tangles out of your long hair another day - cut it.  When something feels off - go get it checked.  I spent my entire first pregnancy trying to fight my body on its limitations and changes instead of working with it and accepting the experience - it was one of the most frustrating periods of my life.  When it has something to say, your body will tell you; listen to it.

Your body is one of the only things that solely belongs to you in this life.  There is no escaping it, it spends every single day with you on this Earth.  It will remember the movements that you make a habit of doing and surprise you when you realize that your body knows how to do things all on its own.  Like the way it remembers how to flip tshirts into folding because that was your childhood chore.  And it remembers years later how to stay balanced on a bicycle and serve a volleyball.  Sometimes it holds memories in scars like your aunt's at the top of her nose from falling down the stairs in her walker as a baby.  It holds the tingling memory in your lips of your first kiss with your first love.  And the memory of the steady grip of your grandma when she used to hold your wrist instead of your hand when you crossed the street.  The recognition of the weight of your babies in its arms, that little bounce it does automatically when it hears good music, the way it feels like childhood to have someone brush your hair back from your face. These are the stories that you and your body share together; that only you and your body know for certain.

Keep in mind, my child, that it is the only body that you are ever going to get.  So it would be in your best interest to try to take care of it.  Using sunscreen and moisturizer and filling it up with good food are some examples.  When you are good to your body it will work like you expect it to when you are going about your day.  When your body is functioning normally - you'll think little about it which will allow you to spend time thinking about and learning other things.  But if your body is behaving unpredictably, you will feel frustrated and distracted from the rest of your day.  Take care of it and listen to it so you and your body can work together efficiently.

If you ever decide to alter your body in some way - [note:  when you are old enough to make these decisions] - I only ask that you do so with confidence.  No one can tell you getting a tattoo or piercing or plastic surgery is what is best or not best for you.  That is between you and your body - but if you are going to do it, be confident in your decision because it will stay between you and your body forever.

As it only belongs to you, my beautiful girl, I want you to also know that it is one of your greatest gifts to give.  So when you feel like someone else deserves it - know that you are sharing something of the greatest of value.  The person receiving this gift should be someone who recognizes this honor; someone who is worth it.  Don't ever think you can't come talk to me about this sort of stuff, please, please do, my girl.  But if you feel you can't, please go speak to your aunts - they are like me but also a friend.  This is the sort of stuff that you need other women to talk to about and you are surrounded by women that can answer your questions and listen without judgement.

Know that only you can give this gift away, so if anyone attempts to take this gift from you without your consent - do not be afraid to tell someone.  Heaven help the person who has taken it, my darling, as there are people in your life that will have their eyes aglow with justice.  And although it is an awful truth in our world that this tragedy exists, no one ever, ever deserves for it to happen, and I promise you that with time and support, you will learn to heal and trust again.

My girl, know that the people who love you; the people who matter, will look at you and just see YOU.  They won't see the lines on your face or the zit that has taken up residence on your chin.  They won't notice that you put on three pounds this weekend from enjoying the festival food in town or that your hair has a strand out of place.  When they see you, when I see you, we just see you.  Gemma.

If you need proof of this - of this love - look at pictures of us when you were young.  We look at those pictures very differently- you and I.  I see me who could have used to lose a few and really should have remembered to throw some mascara on.  But you just see your Mom.  I know this because I feel the same way about my Mom.  I know there are things on her own personal frustration list - but I never notice any of those things about her.  Because she just looks like my Mum and that is what makes her endlessly beautiful.

Its the same way that Dad looks at me too - when I've had extra weight on, when I've dyed my hair, when I've cut all my hair off, when I was as skinny as I've ever been; it was always the same with Dad - he just sees the girl he loves.  He has always made me feel beautiful and sexy regardless if I was eight months pregnant or wearing sweatpants with bedhead.  I can feel in my heart of hearts that he just sees Me - and because of that you've grown up with a Mum that spends more time worrying about the things that I don't like about my mind than I spend preoccupied with the things that I don't like about my body.   Please thank your Dad for that, as it is one of thousands of ways that he has contributed to making me the best Mom I can be for you.

So my sweet girl, it would be pretty hypocritical of me to try to tell you to love your body; to be grateful and proud of everything about it.  Because I know that's not the way we, women, work; its not the way our world works.

But I will ask this of you:  Make peace with your body.

Maybe you'll get my thick thighs, or your Abba's boot-unfriendly calves, or Gigi's unruly hair, or Aunt Kitty's sweat glands, or Aunt Uch's tiny butt.  Or maybe you'll get my straight teeth, or Abba's thin waist, or Gigi's long legs, or Aunt Kitty's perfect arms, or Aunt Uch's button nose.  In any case, you will probably never look in the mirror and love every single thing about yourself.

But angel, when you look in the mirror I hope you can recognize a friend.

If you can do that and make peace with yourself - you will hold one of the keys to happiness.  And that's what we want for you.  Never perfection, my darling, but Happiness.

Love you forever and ever,
Mum

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If you or someone you know needs support or has questions about sexual abuse, please see these sites:
Sexual Assault Support Services
After Silence
RAINN

Spring has sprung and gone.

oh boy, somehow spring has already come and gone and we are knocking on summer's official door (tomorrow!) so I guess it's about time I do a quick wrap up of our spring happenings, eh?

We were invited to spend an afternoon stocking trout in April with our friends Dave & Addison at their family's fishing camp.  This was Grey's second year helping and Gem and my first year (since she was just a brand new baby at this time last year - crazy how much changes in 12 months).

It was a beautiful, crisp day and the kids loving playing with the other kids and helping to dump the fish in the creek.  We also go to enjoy a delicious deer roast on a spit over the fire that I honestly was embarrassing myself with how much I kept going back for me.  And also, I'm convinced we need a rotisserie set for our firepit.  Like, now.

Later in April, Brandon participated again in the Alumni Basketball tournament at Conemaugh Township.  This year, our Valley Alum team came in 3rd place (out of 4) which is an improvement from last year (last place).  We had a great time watching Daddy play basketball and the kids went total bonkers on the court at halftime and after the games running around dancing and being just wild.  

The first day of trout is basically a state holiday where we come from - so we all got geared up for that.  Grey got to spend the night (woohoo!  sleepover!) at the Gilmore fishing camp in Bedford with Pappy Butch and Daddy this year.  He was so excited to get to wear Brandon's old fishing vest. 

And on opening day, Gigi, Gemmi, and I headed out to the nail salon - as is our Studer girl tradition - to get pedicures.  Gem had her first pedicure complete with Piggy Paint.  In total Diva fashion, she sat on the chair and waited patiently while her toes were painted, and then sat under the dryer.  She's ridiculous.

After we got fancy toes, the three of us headed out to meet the boys at the creek for a little while that afternoon.  Grey was happily traipsing about handing out mill worms to everyone from his coat pockets  and Gem was content to sit perched in her Dadda's arms while he cast his line out.  #countrykids

Booboo had the time of his life with his cousin, Reid - and to this day talks about him randomly and occasionally will announce that he is Reid and 'look, I don't have my teeth,' (since Reid had lost his front teeth).  It was great to see the Studer/Gilmore crew all together as they have done for every first day of trout for all of history.  It's sort of hard to find anything that we love more than traditions.

We had a mini wedding dress shopping adventure with my bride-to-be sister.  After Kayla tried on three dresses that all looked equally amazing on her and I said more times than necessary the word 'sexy,' HAH - My sisters (scf), mum, and I all headed out for a quick drink and then later met up with our surrogate mom, Becky, for appetizers and drinks later that night.  What a fun afternoon of major girl time and wedding talk.  Loved it big time.  (thank you B for keeping the kids!) 

Katie and I mustered some serious ambition to take our four kids to the Jaffa Circus.  It was jam packed and the kids were mesmerized for a solid 15 minutes.  Then my two decided to put on their own circus act:  Gem teased the little boy sitting behind us by attempting to take his shoes off while Grey leaned/laid on the man's shoulder in front of us.  Needless to say, we hightailed it out of there at intermission.  

We had much better luck with the kids back at the Fiore house.  Grey and Soph played romantically (at least in their mom's eyes that are constantly looking for hints of their future marriage, HAH) and the girls played house for a little while.  It is always a good time when the Studer and Fiore kids (and moms!!) get together.

Brandon and I played in an indoor volleyball league all winter (did I not say this yet before?  oops) but after a whole 8 months of playing (seriously), we ended up as the champs of the league!  Our inappropriate team name "I'd hit that" is the reason for the obnoxious faces.  Sorry 'bout that.  [and in case I forget to mention it, we're playing in outdoor summer leagues now!  yay for physical activity!]

Brandon participated in a charity golf tournament with Jon and Mario (another spring tradition!) while the kids and I met up with Ninna at a nearby park & playground.  Afterwards, we all headed over to the Sacco's house for a fire and some drinks and Booboo was convinced that Mr. Sacco was the Once-ler since he mentioned cutting down trees and had a shed in the backyard.  Typical Booboo.

We frequented (maybe too many times) our new local ice cream spot where you pay by the ounce [and Brandon cannot contain his topping obsession]: Sweet Frog.  We've been there two separate times with our Uzelac cousins!  Once we ran into Kyleigh where the three of them giggled and hugged the whole time = adorable.

And another time, we headed over with Mallory, Hunter, and Tete to chow down on copious amounts of frozen deliciousness.  And then the kids spontaneously started a dance party in the middle of the shoppe on our way out.  They make their mommas real proud.

Booboo had his first dentist appointment.  He was very well behaved and also got great marks on his nice, clean teeth.

And I took this picture of Gemma and Trixie in which it is unclear if they aren't actually the same species.

For Mumma's day - I attempted to start a new tradition with the kids that we 'sleep out' in the living room and watch 'Mum's favorite movie' (The Princess Bride) and it was a total bust.  The air mattress deflated, Gem wanted to go to her crib and Booboo woke up at 12:30p and told me, "I WANT TO GO TO  YOUR BED.  NOW!"  I'm going to keep trying it every year though - a little whining, back pain, and exhaustion can't dissuade this Mumma!

We spent Mother's Day at my Mum's house (B had to work and Gigi & Pappy were vacationing in the DR) enjoying delicious dinner and letting the children run wild and free (getting tired all the while).  My Mum got the kids and I matching shirts from Universal Studios when she was recently there.  I seriously love them:  Thing 1, Thing 2, and 'The Mother of all Things'.

with my parents' family tree wall mural

My mum and all her girls

And then right before we were heading home, Greyson got Nanny's Elbow and my dad and I had to take him down to the ER to get it popped back in place.  He was fixed up in a matter of a half hour and my mom and Sis met us to hand Gemma over.  We made it home at around 11:30p and I still had a half hour of Mother's day to enjoy a glass of wine and a little reading.  Boom.

A few days later, I got to 'cash in' my Mother's day gift from B and the kids - we set up our garden! We planted tomatoes, sweet peppers, broccoli, sugar snap peas, and corn!  It's growing great and I think our corn will be 'knee high by the fourth of July' at this rate!

And my friend and previous Brooklyn housemate, Alana, stopped to visit on her travels back to DC.  It was so good to catch up with her after five years (!! the last time we saw each other was at my wedding!) and it was just like old times laughing and gossiping like no time had passed at all.  In thoughtful 'Alana fashion', she brought along gifts for the kids (thank you, Lana!) and they quickly used up all the bubbles in a matter of minutes.

We finished out the month of May with Gigi's birthday dinner (yay!), and Grey and Gem chased a tiny frog all over the deck for a large part of the night.

It has been a busy and fun springtime for the Studer zoo crew.  

What's in my Bag? -shoutout to UsWeekly

The other day, Gem got a hold of my purse and dumped everything out.  Which, besides being just another mess that needed cleaned up, it also made me laugh to see all of the things that I was weirdly hoarding in it.  So, in UsWeekly fashion - here is:

What's in My Bag?

When it comes to her bag, Tabitha Studer, never knows what she'll find in there.  She told Team Studer, "Once I pulled my hand back out of my purse [a $20 grab from Ross's Dress for Less] and it was covered with sticky, melted fruit snacks that had apparently been fermenting for an unknown length of time."

So what other surprises are being housed in Tabitha's bag besides her $10 wallet (Kohl's), a back-up clip ribbon for her daughter, and a pack of Orbit gum [contained only one piece]?  "It's probably a pain in my neck [literally] to carry both my purse and the diaper bag, but with almost no part of my day private..I mean, seriously?  Can a girl go to the bathroom in peace? - I like to have something that I at least attempt to keep as just my own."  As you'll see below, Tabitha is fairly delusional about things that are solely 'her own.'

1. 3 old grocery lists.  "I just stuff them back in my purse when we're leaving the store since generally the kids are clawing at their throats to get out of there as quickly as possible.  It's sort of like my own personal collection of Milk Eggs Vodka," Tabitha told us as a quick look of shame passed over her face.

2. a pen.  Tab explained that its both handy for her to have but is much more helpful when they are waiting for dinner to arrive at a restaurant that doesn't have crayons.  'The kids use it to draw on the placemats...or occasionally on themselves...hahhah.  Wait, don't write that part."

3. a chapstick and a LipSmackers Watermelon lipgloss.  We noted at the time of the interview that each of them had a considerable chunk missing from the gloss.  "Oh yea, Gemma [age 15 months] eats those if she can get her hands on them," Tabitha mentioned nonchalantly.

4. a child-size Spiderman's mask.  We asked Tabitha if that was a sign that she's really fighting crime as a vigilante in the streets of Davidsville.  She seemed surprised to find the mask in there until she remembered it was because she confiscated it from her son, Greyson [age 3] after he repeatedly hit his sister in the face with it and allegedly shouted, 'You're a bad guy.  Spiderman will get you!'

5. roll-on Coopertone sunscreen stick.  She explained that its the fastest way to apply sunscreen last minute when they inevitably forgot to do so before leaving the house.  "There's nothing worse than a toddler with a sunburn," Tab chided, "Well, I guess that's a little dramatic - but it is pretty miserable."

6. movie ticket stubs (The Croods and The Purge).  When questioned why her movie choices could not have been more opposite, Tabitha informed us that both were for dates that she had recently been on.  "Greyson and I went to see the The Croods - I cried twice!  And my sisters, my mom, my husband, and I went on a date with my dad for Father's Day to see The Purge.  Not the best choice in movie for a holiday...[awkward laughing]..but we all wanted to see it, so it made sense for us to do so as a family."

7. a McDonald's Barbie doll toy.  Tab said this also acts as 'waiting' distractions for her kids when they start getting antsy.  When we asked her why the Barbie's hair was damp, after a dejected pause, she told us that her daughter had recently spent ten minutes dunking the Barbie in an out of her husband's water glass at a restaurant at the delight and amusement of herself and her brother.  "Whatever works, right?" she said with an exasperated chortle.