Life Lessons: The Pre-talks

We are big on the front-loading conversations over here. I've written about it before when I wrote about Behavior Zones. We are more proactive than reactive when it comes to situations that we believe we can help our kids be as comfortable and as kind as possible.

We have front-loaded conversations and practice on all kinds of things as we raise little kids. We talk a lot about strangers and public spaces, sibling accountability, trick-or-treating, behaviors in certain places, movies/shows, disappointments, people's different abilities (physical and mental), different kinds of families, privilege, scary or confusing things on the news. When left to their own thoughts - kids can come up with some crazy connections or worries. And so we talk and ask questions and answer questions, so that they can know better what to expect, how to respond appropriately and kindly.

We're moving into bigger kids and bigger topics - so I'm starting to think about (and talk about) some of this big kid stuff and I'm sharing in case any of you mommas and daddas want to do some front-load conversations. (I know a lot of my students could have used (and still need) some of these conversations explicitly laid out for them).

Here are some scripts if you need help on getting started on thinking on how to approach some of these topics.

Before a boy/girl parties: 

Someone might ask you to...(dance/skate/sit by them).
And it takes a lot of courage to ask someone, you really have to be brave
So it's easy to make someone cry by accident because it took so much courage to ask in the first place.
If someone asks you, you should either say, "Sure." or "thank you for asking, but no thank you."
Don't laugh, or tell your friends, or make a weird face.
One of those answers work just fine and protects people from being sad and lets them know that they can be brave again.

Before boy/girl parties: 
You might want to ask someone to...(dance/skate/sit by someone)
It takes a lot of courage, but for only about 3 seconds. You have to be brave for 3 seconds and just ask!
They might say yes and they might say no.
If they want to - awesome!
If they don't, that's okay too. Kind of sucks, but don't feel embarrassed because at least you were brave enough to ask.
Think of all the kids who wanted to ask someone but couldn't get the guts.
You can feel disappointed but that's different than mad. You can't make anyone do something they don't want to. Just like no one can make you do something you don't want to.
I will be proud of you for being brave enough to ask!

Dipping your toe into pre-pubescent conversations: 

you're not weird. 

This is just what happens as you start to grow up - and this next part of growing up; it's going to get strange. 

You're not going to know what the heck is going on in your brain, you'll feel sad and mad and confused a lot of the time, you're going to get bigger than me even though you still feel like a kid inside, and you'll have lots of questions that feel really embarrassing and awkward 

You're body is trying to grow up and your brain is trying to grow up but they can't keep up with each other so you keep feeling mixed up. And your poor heart still loves being a kid but also wants to be a grown up. It just gets all messy and confusing.

But know that everyone your age is going through it, and everyone older than you had to go through it too. 

And no matter how weird it gets - me and Dad love you and will be here for you. 

A chat about internet searches related to pubescent curiosities: 

you're not weird. 

you don't think me and Daddy were wondering about those same things when we were your age? (helpful to have Dad in the room nodding and smiling for some comic relief)

and you live in a time that there are a lot more ways to look up this kind of stuff that didn't exist when we were young. 

The thing about the internet is it remembers everything you do, so even if you think you're being secret about it, the internet remembers.

Lots of the things you find on the internet are made like a movie, and that's not how it happens in real life. We can talk about this more if you have questions now, but over the next few years, we will be talking about this so that you can be a decent human being who is safe and smart.

If you have questions ever, please talk to us or your aunts or uncles. 

If you look stuff up at home, do NOT show your siblings. they are not old enough yet. 

And under no circumstances do you EVER EVER EVER E.V.E.R (!!) search things that are privacy related at school. EVER. 

A chat about taking/sending/receiving pictures of body parts: 

There is NEVER EVER EVER EVER E.V.E.R a reason to take a photo of your own private parts on any device no matter how grown you are. 

First of all, nobody wants to receive that photo (seriously no one)
and secondly, if you think only the one person you are sending it to is the only one who is going to see it, that's highly unlikely.

And if you ever receive a picture of someone else's stuff - just delete it. 

Don't show your friends, don't save it, just delete it. 

The mother of that child who sent it never warned them: that no matter how safe you think it is to send a picture of your body to someone -it will always come back to embarrass you. 

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I'm not claiming to have the answers; I'm still only a little more than nine years into this parenting gig. But I lean hard into those before me (thanks parents and in-laws) and I look to my friends who are further along in this parenting journey than me - who have kids who are kind and decent and that I use as examples to my own kiddos. My students who are most kind, tolerant, and emotionally stable are the kids who have had conversations and questions answered with an adult who they love and trust about these things .

we got this, mommas and daddas.

5 Things Children Really Need

First of all, I'll be the first to say that I'm no expert, and I've only been at this gig for nine years. There are days when I look around stunned into silence because one of our kids did exactly the thing we've been talking about and I think 'holy crap, I'm amazing.' and then there are most days that I feel like I'm totally screwing our kids up and wonder when in the world I am ever going to figure this parenting thing out.

Kortni from one of my favorite instagram accounts (@born.from.my.heart ) explained how I feel about every day of parenting best this week when she wrote

"There were days when my heart was so full I thought I might explode, and there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assault that I was certain I'd lose it....It was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best...and then...at my very worst."

This is hard work; raising kids - it always has been in the history of the world. There are limitless kinds of ways to be a great parent, and each child comes with their own unique and individual needs. Parenting requires a daily (sometimes hourly) ability to make changes to the game plan. Because, friends, this thing is hard but also...like....the literal most important job of our lives.

I am a mother of four (ages 9-3) and a teacher of about 120 high school students in a small, rural town for three years, and a former teacher of about 70 elementary school aged English Language Learner students in Brooklyn, New York. I'm a flag cheerleading coach of two years, an AYSO soccer coach for 4-7 year olds for two years, and a Sunday school teacher for fourth and fifth grade students for 6 years. In other words, I have some experience with children of all ages and demographics.

And in my limited and humble experience, I have observed that there are five things that kids really need to grow and flourish. All the other stuff is great and important, but also it's all just extra.

Our kids need these five things every day for all the days.

1. Conversation
This can start from the very beginning. Children want and need communication. You've all seen this video of the dad and his baby, this is real engagement and communication. That sweet babe already understands that he has a voice that matters. The advice that I read when I was becoming a mother was that you should respond to your baby's coos and goos; engage with them - look them in the eye and encourage more sounds. Baby sign language was such a blessing to me because the hardest part of those beginning years is not knowing what your baby wants when they cry.

The important thing about conversations are that they are two-way. Each person involved gets to talk and gets to listen. Questions, answers, memories, inside jokes, understanding, empathy, being vulnerable, finishing each other's thoughts, laughing, and crying - these are all things that come out of real conversations. The kid gets to both talk and listen; as does the parent. The insight into feelings and behaviors is invaluable when we let our kids do the talking.

This can be practiced with parents and family members, but should also be played out in real life. We have our kids order their own meals at restaurants as early as they can speak (sometimes toddler language needs translated, but they try first!), kids can call and order the pizza, they should be able to speak with their bus driver, the maintenance staff at school, the resource officer, and their teachers; these are all adults that help get them through their days. We constantly remind the kids that when an adult asks you a question - you look into their face, answer clearly and loud enough, you should practice attentive listening (nodding your head, maintain eye contact, etc).

Cellphones/social media have added a layer of murkiness to conversations. I was fascinated to listen to this TED Talk Connected, but Alone by Sherry Turkle and I have read multiple articles that say that texting, emailing, and social media captions are breaking down the ability to have face to face conversations. Kids (and adults) are becoming dependent on the crutch of filtering and editing themselves. There is a different flow in the way we speak, listen, and respond when you have to do it on the spot in a face-to-face conversation; a vulnerability, and our young people are not getting regular practice at this.

My high school students have a visible need to be looked at and engaged with. They are obsessed with being seen on social media and maintaining their Snapchat streaks with their 'friends' but that can flip within a class period if someone posts something about them. Kids becoming distracted with constantly refreshing if they believe that another student's vague, cryptic (or worse, blatantly obvious) post was targeted at them. I loved this article called Middle School Misfortunes Then and Now and how it illustrates the loneliness that our kids are experiencing today from a lack of meaningful connections and conversations.

Kids today get to live a more 'connected' life than we ever did but that connection is almost all surface; there's no deeper roots that can form without the relationship building of face-to-face conversation. I make a heartfelt attempt to look into the face of every student and say their name each day. The way my students respond when I stop by their seat and quietly whisper, 'hey, you okay?' when I notice that they seem off, is shocking - as though they can't believe someone noticed them and looked them in the face. We aren't going to get rid of the technology at this point (obviously) but we can still carve out spaces for face-to-face conversation. Our family's no-screen zones include: meal times, games/practices, the car, and bedtime. Our policy is to be with the people who are there.

2. Touch
This one is fairly easy for families with little kids, because what is more huggable than a little squishmiester toddler? But this becomes increasingly more difficult as children grow into bigger kids who go through that awkward puberty stage and drive you crazy and say you're embarrassing them. When our babies are little, I ask aloud, "But how many kisses is too many kisses?" as I nearly suffocate myself in their neckfolds (oh Lord, how I love those loose skinned baby necks!) So much touch all day - hugs, snuggles, kisses, 'hold me's.' It is nearly non-stop touching when they are little. But then it slowly tapers off as kids get bigger and move faster and gain more independence.

Recently when I asked Grey (9yrs) the best part of his day his answer was, "When you pet my hair on the couch while we were watching tv." My Grey said that! Who most wants to run, jump, and tackle. My Grey, who the last thing he does anymore is initiate a hug and who slips his hand out of mine when we are crossing the street with, "I'll walk right next to you, Mom." Touch can be as simple as sitting next to each other on the couch, or a twirl through the parking lot as you hold hands, or rubbing their back on your way past their seat at the breakfast table.

I see what lack of touch does to my high school students- the students who most desperately need it will come up to me and ask for a hug (high school students!) but for those that aren't as forthcoming with their need for human contact, I sneak it in (it's the momma in me) and as I walk through the room and put my hand on a shoulder, or twirl a ponytail - it's a visible reaction; how they lean into the gesture like a flower pointing towards the sun. I often silently wonder, 'How long has it been since someone has held your hand, or tucked you in, or pushed your hair out of your eyes?'

They are big (most of them taller than me) but they are still little kids inside and they are so starved for human touch. I have a weird theory that teenage male students are better behaved in class if they have a girl/boyfriend. Sometimes I think it's because they have bigger things to think about in class than causing behavior issues, sometimes it's because they realize that what they do is now reflective of someone they care about, but lots of times... I think it's because they are getting the hugs they needed so badly.

Bottomline mommas and daddas- we need to keep hugging our kids even as they grow taller than us.

3. Outdoors
There is something about being outside that reminds us all that we are connected to all living things; that we are just a small part of a great big world made up of other people, but also all the animals and insects and trees and plants. To feel the ground beneath your barefeet and the wind in your hair and the sun on your face is to remember that you are alive and brings gratitude deep into your veins.

There is a strange calmness that comes over children when they are let loose outdoors, you can almost see them turn into a different child. They become curious, inquisitive, relaxed, and filled with wonder. No need for toys, because imagination turns every stick, dirt mound, and flower into something magical. The creativity and problem solving that comes from boredom and wide open space will astound you. Throw an animal into the mix and you see gentleness and tenderness shine through little hands. There is no greater advice than "Just add Water" if you have a cranky child who needs only a creek or a sprinkler to start to smile. Muscles strengthen from climbing trees and jumping off of rocks, dreams can grow bigger when they have the space all the way up to the clouds to imagine, impossibles turn into possibles when they watch an ant carry something four times their size. A freedom of worry and a sense of gratitude comes from laying in the shade of a tree and listening to the songbirds. Energy is burned, imagination slows and steadies the mind; I love the phrase, "Children can't bounce off the walls if you take the walls away." There is a peace that settles in their little hearts, not to mention the sleep that comes to them easily and soundly after a day outside.

I have done a lot of research and I am weirdly passionate about fiercely protecting, encouraging, and promoting childhoods outdoors. I believe they get this one sacred childhood and it should be spent exploring and muddy and beneath the shade of a tree with wind and sun on their cheeks. If you are a normal reader here, you know this; it's like I'm a broken record (haha, I will die on this mountain!). If you aren't quite there yet in understanding the incredible and vastly important connection between children and nature, please check out some of these:

1000 Hours Outside (facebook group/website)
Many Children aren't physically ready to start school (article)
What's the best STEM toy for kids? Playing Outside (article)
The Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv (book)
There's No Such Thing as Bad Weather by Linda Akeson McGurk (book)

4. Freedom
Freedom to try on their own, to take risks, and to make decisions. We need to give them the skills, the space and patience, and the tools to be able to do it for themselves. It's so much easier to just do the thing for them; you know it will be done correctly and quickly - but that strips away the opportunity for our kids to practice the action and build the confidence in doing it themselves. Our job as parents is not to remove obstacles from our child's path, but to give them the practice and support to first believe in themselves and then be able to overcome those obstacles on their own.

Children need the freedom to grow into whoever it is they are going to be. This doesn't mean they don't need rules (!) but they need the opportunity to shine at the things that make them who they are. They need confidence built up in themselves not from trophies and medals, but because they learn to trust in themselves; in their abilities, capabilities, and own unique strengths. Sometimes who they are going to be looks a lot like who we are, and sometimes it looks nothing like who we are. Our job as parents is not to raise shinier, younger versions of ourselves - it is to support people who are kind, confident, and capable in their own ways.

They need so much practice! They need to get to watch you do it, then do it with you, then the chance to try it by themselves while you watch, and finally do it on their own and tell you how it went. Sometimes this means skinned knees, or burnt fingers, or enormous messes, or hurt egos - but even all of that results in opportunities for growth. Our children will never believe in themselves, if they don't experience us believing they can do it first. Oh, you can be panicking in your mind, "OMIGOSH, this is going to turn out to be a disaster!" but plant a smile on your face, give an encouraging head nod, and hold a hope in your heart that you'll work through the aftermath together.

One of the most frustrating parts of teaching today is that I have so many kids who are afraid to try. I say all day long, "Don't give up before you try - take a swing!" So many kids are afraid to make a mistake; they haven't had the practice of trying - messing it up- and getting back in there and trying again. (I have some theories on how standardized testing contributes to this too). Kids need lots (and lots and lots) of practice to see that mistakes are opportunities to grow and have the freedom to rely on themselves to succeed. That disappointment is a fleeting feeling and the more you sit with it, the easier it is to overcome next time.

This is some of the most heartbreaking part of parenthood; the truth that from that first moment, we are teaching our kids to need us a little less every single day. I've written before, "how hard and sad it is to know that the whole of parenthood is a slow goodbye after that first incredible, miraculous, hello." To do that properly, we need to give our kids freedom, no matter how much it breaks our hearts; we must let go of their hand and trust that they'll do everything we've practiced.

5. Accountability
Children should learn that they are responsible for themselves; that there is cause and effect to all situations. Kids not only learn from these opportunities, but get they pride in contributing in a meaningful way. Their self confidence and self worth improve in a way that is founded in something quantifiable and concrete.

There are lots of way to start building accountability - children as young as two and three can feel like they have a positive impact in their home by participating in chores. Our oldest son and daughter get so much pride from cooking for our family members. Taking care of pets, cleaning up their own messes, organizing their bedrooms, being responsible for their own backpacks and sports equipment - can all be small opportunities at accountability.

Children should get practice at speaking to adults that are part of their life; teachers, coaches, friends' parents, family members, and service personnel. It takes a lot of guts to go up to the grocery employee and ask them where the mac & cheese is located - but afterwards the smile of pride in themselves on their face will be enough to give them confidence to do it next time with less anxiety.

We also practice sibling accountability in our family; that brothers and sisters should watch out in the best interest for each other. Violet has tackled Rusty in the playground to stop him from getting to close to the road. Gemma has been changing diapers since she was three years old. Grey has piggy-backed his siblings home on long walks, Rusty has even come to get me in the kitchen when Gemma fell and had a bloody knee in the garage. This bleeds into friendships and schools too. We try to raise our kids with the confidence and practice that they can speak up for those who don't have a voice, or need help but are too afraid to ask for it themselves.

Children should be aware that they exist in a world with other people. Our famous family line is, "You are not the only person in this family." We, as a family, must work together and be patient, and sometimes do things that we don't want to do. In public spaces, we remind our kids of this awareness by whispering to them, "look around. all these people are trying to enjoy their day too - let's behave respectfully so that everyone can have a good time." We talk a lot about consent at age appropriate levels - right now that means understanding that when someone says No when you are playing; you stop immediately. You also stop even if they don't say No but they are crying. Learning to recognize other people's emotions and reacting in empathy. Learning to recognize that feeling in your belly that something is wrong and if you are uncomfortable you need to speak up!

Some young people today are struggling so much with accountability. I cannot begin to express the frustration that comes as a teacher/coach to receive a message from a parent with a question (or accusation) when it should come from the young adult. We live in a world of finger pointing and 'well, what about...' distractions. Our kids see and hear that and are quick to dodge the responsibility and truly reason that nothing is their fault. Rather, that things happen to them which also means that they truly believe that they have no control over their own life. If things always happen to you, you don't have any power to improve and make positive change in your own life. This is emotionally crippling and I often speak to kids who are honestly bewildered at connecting the dots between their actions lead to consequences.

This list is the culmination of all the mothers & fathers who have inspired me, of my own childhood, of the books I've read, the students who have changed me, of my own children and what they have taught me, and my reflections on all the things I love most about this world and all the things that scare me about our world.

Summer survival

Summer vacation is here and we are all home together, making memories, and enjoying everyday to the fullest. Ugh, I wish it were that easy - amirite mommas? I do love summer and obviously my kiddos all home and wide open free days (especially the mornings) but there comes with it challenges as everyone is trying to get into a new schedule and everyone is starving all.the.time and everyone is bored all.the.time.

The summer stretches before us with wide open space and time which is blissfully exciting and a little unnerving with all these kids. So I came up with some ideas to keep us all (read: me) relatively sane and content as the summer rolls on. Here's some thoughts for other mommas and daddas out there wondering how to survive the summer (hah).

1. Food
Our kids can snack with the best of them and there are certain foods we can't even bring into the house and expect it to last more than an hour or two before it is devoured (read: toaster strudel or pringles) I knew that there was no way our kids could be successful on a 'no snacks' summer (only proper meals) but was honestly worried about them eating all of our food in the first week of summer. So I devised a daily Snack Option menu that is posted on our fridge. The kids can get their own snacks during the day, but it must only be the snacks listed for the day. They actually weirdly love the structure and having to see other snacks in the house but know they are saving them for another day. It is also nice that I can even include leftovers as part of the snacks and it keeps the fridge cleaned out and rotating. We have also been baking together, so those treats are listed on the snack menu too. Now if only to figure out a way to get them to put the wrappers in the garbage!?

2. Screens
If you're a regular reader, you know I'm all about the outdoor time over screen time. We have a tv in the living room and one in our bedroom (I lost that battle) and we have a firestick (netflix, prime, etc). So our kids definitely know and love the zombie'd out state of sitting in front of the tube. And the fight to switch from screens to something else is exhausting. To combat that awful tug-of-war, we've had a standing rule in our house (for about 3 years) that there are no screens before 11am. It's a hard rule that doesn't have exceptions, so the kids don't even ask anymore. There's something about them having to wake up and find something to do on their own that fuels their brains for the day. We usually don't turn on the tv until at least 2p and many times not even until dinner making so I can have a minute without someone hanging off of me. If we start the day without screens, they can make it so much longer without needing that distraction.

We also incorporate Screen Free Wednesdays in the summer and that applies to Mom and Dad too. Just a day in the middle of the week to unplug and be awake the whole day without distractions.

(our kids also have ipads, but they have been off the charger and with dead batteries since Screen Free Week and they haven't really noticed or cared - so they'll be staying that way until the new school year when they need them for studying).

3. Boredom
Without the distraction of screens (and even with screens) one of the most heard phrases in the house (second only to "I'm starving") is "I'm bored." My usual response to this is, "I have lots of chores you can do if you can't find something to do." hah.

We do keep a list of all the fun stuff we can do at home (similar to our screen free ideas list) that the kids can be reminded that there is actually plenty to do right here at home. The biggest mom issue I have to combat with this is the messes that working through boredom creates. The kids know they need to clean up after their mess, but also their version of 'cleaned up' isn't quite my version and it takes a lot to loosen my grip on perfection. I try very hard to meditate on the knowledge that ideas and play that is born out of boredom benefits their brain and expands their creativity. Just breathe, Momma.

4. Can we go somewhere? 
This is another common phrase from my kids all summer. We have time to visit new or favorite places with the wide open days during the summer so my kids get it in their head that we should be going somewhere every day. To keep the kids in check this summer, we made a "It's a good day to explore" jar. I took little strips of paper and wrote different spots that we can visit that are nearby without a lot of planning. They are so excited about pulling a paper out - hahha - they each have already done a 'practice pull.' I explained to them that we are only pulling out a paper if the day works for a trip - so we can't have a lot of other stuff going on (doctors appt, practices/games, graduation party, etc) AND it has to be a good day for ME (chores are caught up, no one is sick, etc) - which helps as a reminder that our chores will be caught up if everyone pitches in every day. Some of the things that are included in the jar: bikes/rollerblades in the school parking lot, hiking at a local trail/park, swimming at our grandparents', aunts', or cousins' houses, the local library, ice cream visits, mini golf, playground visits, quemahoming dam/beach, etc. 

photo cred: Gemma 

5. Perimeters
We are 'free range' parents which means our kids get a lot of independent time, including outside. Granted, we are blessed abundantly with the means to do this as we live on top of a mountain with a huge yard and surrounding wooded area (and farm land behind that). We really can parent like our parents did and let the kids outside by themselves and then scream for them to come home to eat. Our kids' perimeters around our home are based on their age and their own comfort levels.

6. Hygiene
We try to keep it simple in the summer - swimming counts as a bath. This is normal summer standard, right? We also try to keep our Thursday 'Hygiene Day' rule in tact so that all the kids get bathed/showered and nails clipped/checked on Thursdays. Because then I at least have an idea of the last time it for sure happened. #bigfamprobs

7. Bedtime
It's been several years that we have used the No Bedtime Summer at our house and it works for us. I am a morning person, so if the kids are staying up late and sleeping in, it actually works better for me than trying to wrestle kids into bed at night. We generally stay awake and outside until the sun goes down anyway which can be almost 10p in the summer - and we are often making a fire and sitting on the porch while the kids jump on the trampoline after that. The kids either crash out on the couch where they are or they go up to bed when they are ready by themselves.

8. Preserving the free time
This is new for me - I'm still learning - but I finally hit my moment of clarity to just say no to busyness. We got a ton of flyers home the last few weeks from school with all kinds of activities, day camps, and sports camps. I loved that there were so many ideas for about 45 seconds and then I was tired; tired of even thinking of the driving to and from and watching the clock. So I've been trying very hard to focus on the freedom of a clear schedule; no classes or camps or weekly commitments. Although (I said I'm still learning!) I have signed Gemma and Violet up for a week long camp each at our community arts center in July because Grey is playing all-star baseball this summer (another lost battle) and they get something just for them too. Gem will be doing theater camp and Violet is doing art camp.

So, that's how I am attempting to 'survive summer' with four energetic and starving all the time kiddos. What are your best tips and tricks to keep everyone relatively sane and happy during the summer?

Life Lessons: Sitting with disappointment

Greyson got to play in the championship series for his basketball league this past week and after a win followed by two close losses, his team ended up in second place. He was so bummed (tears) and when he came down from the team locker chat, he immediately asked for me to check his grades.

I knew right away that he wanted me to do that so I could see whether or not he'd be able to play the xbox when we got home (if he has a C in powerschool, he loses xbox privileges). And I understood right away that he was feeling disappointed and he wanted to get away from that feeling as soon as possible.

*

But I'm his momma, and I need to constantly be playing the long game.

So, I told him no. No I wouldn't check his grades because no matter what he had in there, we weren't going to go home and distract ourselves from feeling bad. We were going to feel this for a little while so we remember how it feels to lose, to be disappointed and we can work out feeling better together.

And we went home and called a screen free break and we figured our way through the disappointment. Grey whined/cried for awhile (both about losing and about not getting a distraction in the form of a screen). We made and ate lunch together, the kids had some chores to do, the kids played together around the house, and we talked about the game and about whatever else came to our minds. We figured it out until everyone seemed back to balance again.

Do I enjoy to see my child upset or disappointed? Of course not, but I also know that in the long run, it is important for him to learn to cope with feelings of disappointment. He needs to know how to deal with those feelings.

The thing is - we live in a world of readily available distraction - literally at our fingertips. As a high school teacher (and the wife of a varsity basketball coach), I see every single day the way kids don't have the coping skills to deal with disappointment or adversity. At the first blip of a challenge, more often than not, my students' first instinct is to shut down.

Many times, students will go so far as to try to remove themselves from even the possibility of failure; if they try they might fail - but if they don't try at all they won't fail (nor will they succeed but the risk of failure is great enough that the possibility of success doesn't matter).

We need to help kids get comfortable with the uncomfortability of failing. 

some minor emotional discomfort will strengthen their backbone for the future. Those get-back-up-after-defeat muscles need stretched and toned for the million more times in life that they are going to need worked. We need to practice with small disappointments now so that when the losses are bigger and weigh more, our kids will be able to withstand them; whether we are there to help or not.

I'm not claiming to have the answers; I'm still only about nine years into this parenting gig. But I lean hard into those before me (thanks parents and in-laws) and I look to my friends who are further along in this parenting journey than me - who have kids who are kind and decent and that I use as examples to my own kiddos. My students who are most resilient and successful are the kids who know how to face challenges head on without fear of failure, because they have the experience to know that failure and disappointment is not something to fear at all - but a chance to learn a lesson and get back up and march on.

let's play the long game, mommas and daddas.

*Greyson posed for this 'disappointed' picture a few days later at my request. it was between smiles and giggling about modeling

siblings come first.

I remember when we only had Grey and he was a little more than a year old and it was a struggle for me to agree to the grandparents taking him to an amusement park without going myself. I recall it so vividly this internal battle that I wouldn't be there to see all the things he was going to delight over and smile about, I wouldn't be part of those memories and how painful that was as a new mom.

Eight or so years later, I've grown a little in my parenting and whether its because I've prayed and reflected so much on my own motherhood or because with four kids, you just need to lower your expectations significantly (LOL). My thoughts and heartbreak of the fear-of-not-being-there-for-every-smile (basically MomFomo) has transformed.

I have come to see the incredible learning and relationships that my kids have from spending time with other people without me. Memories and moments that they have spent on their own with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends' families has stretched and expanded their lives and personalities. Their lives and experiences are fuller, stronger, and richer because they have learned and laughed and made their own decisions without us.

I've also come to realize that it strengthens my kids to be able to know they don't have only Brandon and I in their corner in life. We would lay down our lives for them, but not every scenario requires someone ready to go to battle for your honor. Sometimes you need people that can see the whole picture, sometimes you need someone who has lived that same experience, sometimes you need someone who knows someone who knows someone. As much as Brandon and I want to be the ones who can fix everything and give advice on all things - we are so deeply invested in raising decent humans and so rooted in unconditional love that our perspective is at a hard focus on the horizon. our kids need people who can switch the lens focus or turn to a different angle sometimes.

I have written about it before, but one of my favorite sentiments on parenthood comes from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran,

"It is that our job as parents is to send our children forth like arrows into the world where we will not be permitted to follow. We are the stable bows that remain behind in the Archer's arms. Our aim is to send them swift and far"

I have always been mindful of the relationship they are building with their siblings, but recently as Grey and Gem have seemed so grown to us and having them all together for summer, it has been particularly on my mind.

Mary Louise Parker wrote to my exact heart in Dear Mr. You in the section Dear Future Man Who Loves my Daughter,

"I want them to take comfort in the fact that they share a mother that is only theirs, and a childhood as wild and special as they are. I need them to have each other. It's almost all I need." 

Many times this summer, I have found myself in the kitchen making dinner or doing dishes listening in on their conversations and little games in the living room between the four of them. Lots of giggling, so many rules to their made up games, some arguing and then figuring it out together. I have to plant my toes to the tile to keep from abandoning my chores and going in with them, asking with a wide smile, "what are you guys playing in here? Can I join?" because I know in my mother's heart that they need, they deserve, to have this to themselves.

They need these funny inside jokes and memories together that don't include their momma. They need to know that 'we are a family and we take care of each other," as the six of us - but the four of them are strong without the two of us too.

So as I watch them come to each other's defense, even when the fight is against me, I beam inside. I find myself lulled into contentment as I listen in on the snippets of laughter and hushed schemes from my lonely post at the sink. I allow a little more mess than I like when it comes to fort building, or couch 'gorilla' tackling, or forest maze cutting because they are doing it together. They are creating and weaving this beautiful, bright, intricate quilt of sibling wild childhood together in hieroglyphics that I can only appreciate but do not, cannot, should not be able to decipher.

It is heartbreaking to me every single day as a mum to know my entire job description revolves around erasing their dependency from me line by line. It began with giving them every little piece of every little thing I had. I was swallowed whole in their need for me. But each day, my purpose as their mother is to take away a nail of that scaffolding, to show them the tool they need and teach them to use it on their own.

If we do this correctly, if we slowly eliminate our job fully (as our amazing parents were able to), we are gifted with awesome adults who choose to maintain relationships with us, who return with spouses and children and their own friends that will enrich and brighten our lives. But gosh, how hard and sad it is to know that the whole of parenthood is a slow goodbye after that first incredible, miraculous, hello.

Please Lord,
let their Achilles heel be their siblings - as mine has always been.
Let them fall back on the crutch of their brothers and sisters when times get scary
and let them feel responsible to rise up to their siblings' expectations.
They will be more courageous, brave, forgiving, gracious, and silly
because that is who their brothers and sisters see them as.
Please, let them speak the secret language of glances
and make group chats together that are undecipherable to anyone else.
May they hold in their hearts forever that they are a family
and may they feel joy, pride, and gratitude in caring for one another.
Amen.

------
my babies,
We are eternally grateful to have these front row seats to your lives.
you will be forever tied together as the original cast
whispering each other your forgotten lines
rewriting the script and changing the scenery
you will bring in new characters
and have your own soliloquies
the lights will be bright and the music cheerful
and the lights will sometimes dim and the orchestra will bring us all to tears
but you'll be in it together, knowing you can count on one another
and Dad and I will be your captive audience
forever

a chat with Grey and Gem

I had a chat with Grey and Gem this weekend and started with 'remember a long time ago when white people thought black people should be slaves' and followed with a chat about the civil war and Martin Luther King Jr, and how that was all so crazy and such a long time ago and Grey said, "Mum! We know about this already, why are we talking about it, it makes me feel mad?!" and I said, we're talking about it because something bad happened in Virginia and it's about people who think that having white skin is the best skin.

They asked questions, like "you mean this wasn't a long time ago, but now?" and I told them about the statue being removed and the Confederate flags and how the marchers were upset that they were being removed even though what they stood for was a disgraceful and hurtful part of our history.  They asked lots of "but why?" to which I offered that maybe they didn't read enough, or travel enough, or have enough friends that help them see that the world is big and beautiful and different and has room enough for all of us.

And then because they asked about the other flag, we got into a discussion about WWII and Nazis and how lots of people during that time didn't say 'this is wrong' because they weren't the ones being hurt. And we talked about the brave people that did find ways to help and assist those being persecuted even though it meant putting themselves in danger because it was the right and decent and human thing to do. And I told them about Heather Heyer and how she was there to say 'this is wrong' even though she had white skin and wasn't the one they were marching about.

Gemma cried because she got worried about her godfather Uncle Juice and sobbed 'he has brown skin, do they not like him too?' And Grey tried to rationalize that it wasn't happening in our town, so all the people we love that are brown and black are fine and that we don't really have to talk about it.

And I told him, "honey, we do have to talk about it because not talking about it is like pretending it's not happening or pretending its okay because it's not happening to us or to the people we love. What's wrong is wrong regardless if it's happening to us or not."

and I showed them the pictures of the group of people with the torches and said, "it's especially important that we talk about this because these people who stand for something so terrible look just like us."

------
Resources for opening up a discussion with your kids:

Team Studer: How we talk to our kids about privilege

Cup of Jo: Raising race conscious children

Washington Post: How silence can breed prejudice

All Parenting: How to talk to your kids about white privilege 

Medium: It's time for white parents of white kids to bring the resistance home. 

Raising race conscious kids  

HuffPost: Preserving my children's innocence is an act of preserving white supremacy 

Parenting hack: behavior zones

We take our whole family to lots of places because that's naturally the kind of family we are, none of us are huge homebodies and we all love visiting new and familiar places together and with people we love.  One of our parenting tools up our sleeves to keep our kids in check while we are out in the world is to remind the kids constantly about appropriate behavior in various zones.  Our technique is heavy on the front loading and takes a lot of practice and vigilance.  The kids get all the glory in the end ("your kids are so well behaved") with nearly no nod to all the behind-the-scenes work it took to get to that point...but that's parenting in a nutshell, amirite?

So, our behavior zones parenting hack looks something like this -

Every single time we are in the car traveling anywhere (literally, every single time and no matter where we are going) - before we arrive, we turn the radio down and one of us will say, "does everyone remember how we behave at ______."

some examples:
Church:  absolutely quiet, praying, respectful, do what everyone else is doing (sit, stand, kneel)
Daddy's work: respectful, quiet, no running or jumping, saying please and thank you to everyone
The grocery store: no running, no jumping, being helpful, no wandering off
At a restaurant: not disturbing anyone else trying to enjoy their meal, no screaming, no running, no jumping, no wasting food, no knives
Friends' houses for solo playdates/sleepovers: please & thank you, respectful, sharing, cleaning up after your own messes
At playgrounds: sharing, no climbing up slides (if any other kids are there), no leaving anywhere without asking mum/dad first (even with someone we know), if someone cries or looks sad STOP what you're doing and ask if they're okay, help a kid if they need it (monkey bars, ladders) or get a grown up

(I'm laughing right now imagining my teenage kids making fun of us behind our backs in the future doing this to each other when they go somewhere without us.  Grey driving to a football party or something and turning down the radio when they're almost there and saying to Gemma, 'do you remember how we behave at party?' LOL)

So right before we arrive, the kids get a quick refresher on our behavior expectations for them.  If they have any questions, they can also ask us those too - like will certain people be there, how long we will be there, etc.  Everyone gets a front end summary of what to expect.

If we start to have a meltdown while we are out somewhere (nearly inevitable) the quickest way to bring a kid (works with Violet's age too, about two and half) back to sanity is to bring awareness to everyone else around us.  I pick the kid up (or lean down to them) and say something like, "Look around us, everyone here is also trying to get through their day.  Everyone is trying to enjoy/work/pray/have fun and they can't because they're worried about you. Get yourself under control." I offer to hold hands, have a hug, give them space/a break and sometimes I'll say, "You can still be sad/mad, but you must stop screaming and crying because it's not fair to everyone else."

Our behavior zone reminders work mostly because of this important part that goes along with it: "Kids who can behave well get to go to fun places."  If you can't behave in the waiting room at the doctor's office, you don't deserve to go fun places.  Mum is not taking kids that don't listen or try their best to places that are fun.  When we are on our way back home from wherever, we have a debrief on how our expectations were met.  "We are so proud of our well behaved kids! When you behave so respectfully I feel like we can take you anywhere and have fun!"  or "We had a really difficult time today, and how am I supposed to feel like I can take you guys places if we can't try our best and listen?"

We also give behavior scores (these hold no actual value besides temporary pride, but it seems to work).  Five is the best score you can get and Zero is the worst (we give halves too, hah).  We get scores too which makes them laugh because sometimes Daddy gets bad scores because Momma is always the score giver.  It's clear to the kids that our scores should reflect our age and abilities too. everyone laughs when Rusty gets a two at church because he's only a baby - but everyone cheers if Violet gets a four or above at church because she's still little. It's funny if Daddy gets a three because he's a grown up and should always get a five; Grey and Gem know less than a four for them is unacceptable. (It's also a quick check in when they are with their grandparents when they take them somewhere, although everyone knows grandparents have a more generous scale than Mom!).

We do something similar before a birthday party, because that is some tough narcissistic kid territory.  While we are on the way to a birthday party we say something like, "It's our friend's birthday today which means it's their special day and we are lucky to celebrate with them.  So they get to choose what games we play and what they want to do for their day.  And when it's our birthday, it gets to be your special day and you get to choose."  If they need a reminder while we are there (they start getting frustrated with not being in charge, or they try to butt in on present opening), it's an easy reminder whisper, "Not your special day," and they can usually get themselves back under control.

The important thing to note and a huge part of the balance of how this can work - is that there are places that have much less strict behavior limits.  Our house, especially our house in the yard is one of those (nearly) anything can go zones.  We're actually pretty loose in the house too (we don't have couch/bed jumping rules and balls are thrown in our house 24/7...because Greyson). They have pretty lax behavior rules at grandparents' houses too (some rules and behavior expectations obviously along with being respectful but it's fairly relaxed). So the kids do have a place where they can let loose, get out that energy, and be their own wild, insane selves.

By no means (ZERO) does this make for perfectly behaved kids.

Have I given a 'break' (read: timeout) to a kid in a public space? YEP.
Have I abruptly left a public space because kids were melting down too much? YEP.
Have I thanked strangers and employees for their patience with our children when they've had a difficult time? YEP.
Have I straight up turned the car around and gone home instead, on our way to the playground? YEP.
Have I 'grounded' our kids to their rooms for the afternoon when we get home from somewhere that they'd had a difficult time? YEP.
Have our kids said to us, "I know! I'm just going to my room right now!" because they already know they didn't mean expectations? YEP (lol)

We have to talk, talk, lecture, talk all the time about appropriate behavior and trying our best and keeping it together when we go places. But more often than not, Brandon and I are complimented on how well our children behave in public and we smile and say (loud enough for the kids to hear) 'Thank you' and in our best kindergarten teacher voices, "They are trying their best today, huh?"

Someday we won't have to do this.  Someday parenting won't be so front loaded and exhausting and demand constant vigilance.  But our hope is that if we do it now, the expectation will stick when they become people who go places without us and our constant reminders.  We want to raise respectful, aware, and kind humans and so for now - we dig in, we stay ever vigilant and on our toes while we are in the thick of this raising little human phase.

the modern day parenting village

The widely known and used African proverb says, "It takes a village to raise a child." The 'village' seems to be quite elusive in today's fast moving, judgey at every corner, social-media filtered world. I have seen my fair share of posts around the web claiming the village no longer exists, and I am here to make the counter-argument.  I am here as a firm believer that it does take a village, and if you're willing to look for it, you'll see too that your village is all around you.

Our village stretches across the people our kids see every or most days; those that are closest to us physically and emotionally and all the way out to people our kids' will probably never meet.

our friends and family; our kids' grandparents, aunts, uncles, best friends, and cousins
who always show up with hugs and snacks and extra diapers and smiles
who remember birthdays and anniversaries and small holidays and celebrate them with our kids in their own special ways - through video messages and snail mail and little surprises
who offer up sleepovers and playdates and fun day trips
who say, 'let's get together soon' and mean it and make it happen
who forgive me for my 12 hour average text response time
who pack their bigger-than-our-kids' clothes and shoes into totes and bags and deliver them to us as well loved hand-me-downs.
who show up early to set up and who stay late to help clean up after a party at our house
who load up tupperware and cling-wrapped plates of food for us to take home after their parties

our neighbors
who smile and wave as we walk, bike, or drive by
who buy our kids' school and sports fundraisers
who accepts our parcel deliveries on their porch because the UPS guy is afraid of our dogs
who stop and chat with us in the middle of the road or at the bus stop

our kids' teachers
who are patient and kind
who teach them and love them and learn about them and their interests
who know all our kids names (even if they haven't had them in school yet)
who send home notes or message me to offer helpful tips or encouragement when the learning becomes difficult

our kids' bus driver
who is patient and kind
who waves every.single.day at both pick up and drop off
who recognizes us outside of the bus stop and chats with the kids making them feel important

our kids' coaches
who are so very, very, very patient
who cheer for their wins and encourage them after losses
who show up earlier and leave later than the rest of us and never see a cent for it but do it for the kids and for the love of the game

our sport season families
who pick up, bring home, and share snacks
who take photos of and cheer for our players
who play with, talk to, and keep an eye on our other kids during games and practices

my blog friends
who inspire me and encourage me in my motherhood
who read and comment thoughtfully
who start a long distance book club with me and email and send snail mail surprises

the pinterest moms
who have tried something and saw that it worked for them and then shared it for other families
who save me in the moments of panic:  what's for dinner?  how do I teach my pre-K kid the alphabet? What are some good books for my reluctant reader? what are some easy rainy day activities?
who live and die by my favorite efficiency rule: 'you shouldn't have to recreate the wheel'

to strangers we meet along our journey
who help my kid up off the playground floor
who tell my kids aloud in public, "What a great helper you are to your momma!"
who offer to take our grocery cart back, and hold the door, and make funny faces at them from a few pews back in church to keep them quiet
who answer my apologies for too loud/wild/rowdy kids with, "oh honey, they don't bother me."
who smile at me and say, "I remember those days. You're doing great."


---------------------
but there's an important part about the modern day parenting village:  You also have to remember to be a part of the village.

it means giving out grace for friends and family when they're running late or cancel last minute, or when they forget or make changes to plans

to put down your phone when you are in the company of anyone; to be with the people you are actually with.

to look at a mom in the midst of her child's public tantrum and giver her a smile and a "I've been there momma, your doing great, hang in there!"

to see all the moms within your social circle not as a competition but rather as an opportunity to share the burden of the load.  I often think, Thank goodness for the Classroom Mom who organizes the Halloween party and compiles the snack list.  Thank goodness for the Crafty Mom who inspires my kids with their creative homemade Valentines.  Thank goodness for the Team Mom who packs up enough Gatorades and fruit snacks for all the teammates.  Thank goodness for the Mom who always remembers extra diapers, wipes, and hand sanitizer.  Thank goodness for the Research Mom who knows all the up to date rules on carseats and best spots around town for free kid meals. Thank goodness for the Mom who takes all the photos at all the things and remembers to tag every proud parent in them.

And to also own up to your own type of village contribution and run with it as best as you can.  Hey, maybe I'm just the Mom who is always willing to take an extra kid on short notice (four kids, a minivan, and sahm...yeah, playdates welcome anytime!) and the mom who answers TMI and mom-guilt questions with a laugh and a "yeah, you just got a survive sometimes"....because ya know, a village needs one of those moms too!



I would argue, passionately, that the modern day parenting village exists.  But in a world of technology and mommy wars and wildly varying kid-raising techniques - I know it can feel like we're isolated..

Maybe your village looks drastically different than mine.  Maybe your village includes doctors or therapists or social workers or more friends and less family or more neighbors or a network of homeschool moms.  Maybe your village includes advocates, mentors, sponsors, and families who have been down the same scary road before you.  But if you give it thought and reflection, you'll see your village start to take shape.  These are your people, your tribe.

It takes all kinds of kinds.  And if we're willing to look up and around and see that most of us are trying to do our best with all of our different types of families and struggles and talents.  Most of us are just winging this parenting gig as best we can and crossing our fingers we don't completely mess this thing up.

I have felt first hand the relief and comfort and beautiful results of what can happen when I recognize and accept the help from our village.  That is when I most feel like I can do this - when I realize that we can do this, but only together.

We can all contribute to raising up well rounded, decent little persons.  But we must be willing to accept help to receive it, and we also must be willing to give help too.  The same goes for grace.

------
thank you to my village,
such a big, loving, kind village.
my children are so very blessed to have you help in their raising up.
WE are so blessed to have you help in their raising up (!!)
xxoxox
indebted forever,
tab

cherish it now, they say.

i got the call this morning at 5am that grey's school was going to have a snow day and like mothers round the county, I sighed and whispered to myself, 'oh boy, it's going to be a long day.'   there's something in the air on snow days, isn't there?  a particular kind of hay fever sprouts up and has the kids climbing the walls (in my case that's a literal statement).

I sent some serious gratitude out there to the pinterest gods and goddesses (read: creative moms) who saved breakfast (these delicious cinnamon/sugar cream cheese roll-ups that double bonus'ed me by using up some old hot dog buns that were headed for the bird food pile) and then saved the actual snow day with these Bingo sheets that had the kids all pumped about checking things off the list and required only one screen option (win!)

As is only imaginable in a house filled with four siblings six years and younger, our snow day was filled with high pitched, decibel pushing:  shouting, laughing, screaming, crying, and giggling.  

The loudness of raising children - why?   

We also suffered through a healthy serving of sibling teasing, fighting, not sharing, waking-up-of-the-infant-napping, pouting, and negotiations.  My initial thought at 5am was indeed correct - it was a long day. 

But there was a moment at lunch that stopped me in my tracks of scraping half-eaten marshmallows off the kitchen floor (literally) when all four kids were at the table for lunch completely ignorant of me while they cracked up laughing at Violet making some weird noise and Rusty with his face covered in pizza sauce.  

And there they were.

my four.

all under one roof right where I could see that they were happy 

and safe 

and comfortable 

with full bellies. 

and isn't that really what is in the pit of the pit and the root of the root of a mumma's deepest heart?  That all of her babies are happy(ish at least), safe, comfortable (ish), and with a full belly...and if it's where I can count their head - even better.  

My most calm, worry-free, pure bliss moments are those early morning sips of coffee because I know right where they all are and I know they are snoozily dreaming, and safe, and warm, and full enough belly that they aren't awake yet.  They are all snug in their beds under this one roof. 

 And also, they are quiet.  

and so perfectly 'my-baby 'while they sleep.  

How is that you can still see the wisps of your baby in a child of nearly seven if they are sleeping soundly.  Is that always the case?  I hope.  Even as they get bigger than me and grown and ignore me and think I'm the most annoying ever and 'leave me alone' mum!  Just like that sweet (only slightly creepy) momma who sneaks into her grown up man's bedroom window to rock him back and forth and back and forth and back and forth to sing...I will also be sweetly (only slightly creepily) peering in on my sleeping children to see 'my-baby' still in there on the curves of their cheeks and the tips of their eyelashes.  Probably also smelling the tops of their heads...don't judge my sentimental mother's heart! (hah).

The four of them sitting there, giggling and being silly in their own little world, but under this one roof - all smooshed on that one bench seat together (their choice!) on a snowy winter day will surely be one of those quick flashes of 'how it used to be' in the movie montage slideshow of my younger years when I'm an older momma to kids who are bigger than me and ignore each other and think both I and their siblings are the most annoying ever and just want to be left alone! kind of teenagers.  

Mums who have made it through these blur years always tell us in the thick of it to cherish it because it goes by so fast.  And I get the sentiment, and really, I can see how fast (with a wave & a snap!) as I have a nearly seven year old and nearly kindergarten aged (but thinks she's teenaged) child.  How in the world did we get here from those newborn babies with the toothless grins and their formerly wrinkled, squishy necks to these big kids that grow out of their pants every other week and know the words to Maroon Five songs?  

But also, it's impossible to cherish it every.single.moment of every.single.day because Sweet baby Ray's bbq sauce...the loud, and the mess, and the MUM I NEED MORE DRINK! right as I just sit down every darn time.

But I think as long as you snag yourself on a few seconds occasionally of those moments that make you think, "yes, this right here, this is going to end up in the montage of my motherhood.  This, right here that I can frame my fingers around and mentally (or literally) snap this snippet of this messy, loud, chaotic moment...this is the good stuff."  

well then, I think you got that 'cherish it now' thing down pretty solid. 

keep keeping on, mommas.  

also, i'm cheers'ing you with some wine tonight.

to us!  ::clink::

xxoxo 

the gifts.

While planning for Christmas this year and taking into account Brandon's new job that offer so many incredible perks to our life, it did also come with a significant decrease in pay.  It has been an adjustment in everyday life, but we knew it was going to be important to really make plans to make the holidays work within a budget.

So, we sat down and did some planning.  

I ordered our Christmas cards earlier than ever and with as many coupons as I could scrap together, we pared down our kids' gift list to a financially reasonable (and a they-don't-need-more-crap) amount, we budgeted our lists, shopped online with coupons and early, and tracked each spending closely to make sure we were on target.  But it was clear right from the start that we'd be forgoing presents for ourselves.  

Truthfully, we don't mind all that much because neither of our main love languages is gifts, but it did feel a little funny every time we checked in with each other like, "wait, really don't buy anything for me.  I'm not buying anything for you!" and "but seriously, nothing.  put the money in the white envelope fund!" 

In the end though, we did decide together that Santa would bring one gift for us.  

A letter left under the tree, addressed to Mum & Dad.

The thing is, 

we have so many gifts, 

so many blessings.  

Four healthy, kind kids.  

A comfortable, warm home.  

Family and friends who love, support, and encourage us. 

A Daddy who has more time to be with us.

Who needs gifts under the tree when you have a life like this?

So as we spend our Christmas Day bustling to four different homes today;

homes that throw open their doors and welcome us in with arms outstretched with the smell of delicious food floating in the air, and smiles on everyone's faces...we resolve to keep looking around.

All of today.

and tomorrow.

and all in the new year.

Because, truly, all the gifts we could ever want are already right here in front of us.  

Merriest season to you.  

Look around, friends.

There is so much good.

and so much love.

xxoxo tab

the bad guy

ya know what no one ever really tells you before you start raising your own young kids?  I'm talking about like preschoolers to elementary school kids right now (although I'm sure it applies to teenagers by about 1000 more degrees, good grief.  Bless you mommas of teens out there!!)

The thing no one ever really tells you about is that you spend the majority of your day being The Bad Guy.

"No, you can't have chips for breakfast.
You have to brush your teeth.
Put your dirty clothes in the hamper, not just on the floor.
Clean up these babydolls and sports balls!
Stop spraying your sister in the face with the hose.
If you can't take turns sharing, no one's going to be allowed to play with it at all.
No, you can't just eat Popsicles for lunch.
When you're done with your plate, take it to the sink.
That's enough tv time for today.
You have to practice reading every day.
We don't go to a restaurant to eat every night because it costs money, eat what I made.
Get in the shower....and yes, you have to wash your hair.
Yes, I have to trim your fingernails and toenails.
No, you cannot put your hand in the toilet water.
You know the rule is if it's not yours; don't touch it - so how did Daddy's keys get stuck in the barbie car anyway?
Yes, it's time for bed. "

I mean, I'm like the worst.person.ever. all day long to these kids.

straight mean muggin' all day long.  Baby Rusty gets me.

Sure there are these tiny blissful moments sprinkled throughout that the skies open up and I can clearly see how amazing this life is and how awesome our little humans can be and the world makes sense and I have a grateful and content heart.

but for the most part, I'm wondering how every single conversation I have feels like a negotiation.  Being the bad guy all day long can wear on a person's soul, man.  Like, how did I even become this person?  I used to be fun and silly and carefree...and now I'm the least fun person living in this house.  They think I'm the no fun police, and usually I kind of am because I'm responsible for raising humans
and...you guys, a lot of the time, fun is also a mess
and gosh, I'm so tired
like too tired to clean it up
too tired to fight about who's cleaning it up
too tired to give myself the internal berate that comes with this entire thought process, so I'm just stopping right here.

AND...
I'm even the bad guy to myself most of the day.

"Why are you always shouting?
Shouldn't eat that!
No time to sit down, look at this house!?
Good Lord woman, get your shit together.
What are you forgetting?
You're late!! AGAIN!!
Are you sure they're turning into responsible citizens of the world?
Are you sure you loved them enough today?"

I get it; someone needs to be the bad guy or these kids will grow up to be terrible, entitled, lazy, dumb adults.  I get all that.

but it also doesn't make it feel any better to BE the bad guy all day, everyday; clinging to the hope that one day my adult children will return to me with arms wide open saying 'thank you Mum for being so horrible to us so that we could grow up and not be jerks.'

On the bright side, I do know that future exists because Brandon and I have each gone back to our own once-upon-a-time-Bad-Guy-Mommas and thanked them (and we'll say it again now, THANK YOU MUM and GIGI!) And they aren't Bad Guy Moms anymore, now they're more like the opposite of Bad Guy Moms and the extreme opposite when it comes to being a grandma.

But even though I'm sure it exists, that future image holds little weight in the right this second as I find myself in a stare down with a six year old who "doesn't need to wash his hair because it's fine and I'm not the boss of his own body."  (in case you're wondering - my rebuttal is "I AM the boss of this house though and I say my children will be clean, so wash your hair or I will do it for you, do you hear me Greyson Rudy!?!")

#someoneholdme
also
#bringchocolate

Aaaaanyway,
sending love and positive vibes to all you Bad Guy Mommas out there.  Whether you're fighting the little battles of preschoolers and elementary school kids like me - or you're on to the bigger, scarier battles of the teenagers.  You go on with your Bad Guy Momma self because someday (oh, that glorious someday) they'll thank us and if we're lucky we'll get to be the Hero'est Grandmas EVER.


Now let's all hold hands and repeat the Wreck-It-Ralph bad guy affirmation, because #momlife

arms wide full

There's a dance craze that's been going on for centuries, maybe since the beginning of time.  It's immediately recognizable, I'm sure you've seen it and probably done it yourself.   I call it the babymomma shuffle.  you know that one? There's variations on the moves, but at it's basic level, it's a momma holding a baby and bouncing or swaying gently.

I've been doing the babymomma shuffle for the past six years, almost continuously, so my body does it even when I'm not holding a baby.  It might be cause for concern.

In any case, the other week in church, I handed my Rusty off to Gigi to give my arms a short break from the babymomma shuffle.  (Gigi of course, immediately started the Grandmomma shuffle - which is nearly identical to the babymomma shuffle only even more gentle and snuggly).  And there I was standing with my empty arms, trying to remind my body that I could stop swaying, when Violet reached her arms up and whispered, 'hold you me.'

And so, I scooped her up and started another round of the babymomma shuffle.

I've always appreciated when people speak about 'the season of their life', both because it's a beautiful description and also because it acts as a reminder that it is short lived (short being a relative length of time, of course).  Considering the stages of my life as seasons, gives me strength to go on when the going gets tough while also bringing light to my experiences that make them glisten a little more brightly in all their unquestionably finite glory. 

In terms of seasons,  this is the season of my life; of my motherhood, where my arms are perpetually full.  

My arms are mostly full with the weight of our babies.  Our sweet infant Rustin who's favorite place in his whole world is in my arms, head resting on my chest while my heartbeat thump, thump, thumps in his ear.  Our Violet Mary, stuck square between baby and toddler who wants to be held, but not too long - who wants help, but not too much - who wants to be big but also little.  Our Gemma who wants hugs and twirled and movie-start dipped, and snuggled.  She fills my hands with ponytail holders, and nail polish, and baby dolls who need their clothes changed, please. And our Greyson who wants this ball thrown, caught, kicked, passed, and 'can you please find my mitt?' 

If it's not our kids, there are plenty of other things that need my arms' attention; piles upon never ending piles of dirt-stained, (occasionally bodily fluid soaked), wrinkled, mismatched laundry.  Meals that need prepped, cooked, served, and cleaned up, a vacuum that needs run, toys that need picked up, photos that need captured, dogs that need walked, toilets that need scrubbed. 

It can be overwhelming and exhausting.  

Sometimes it feels like my arms are so full that there is no room for anything else.  No room for anything extra; anything that falls outside of the category of  'absolutely necessary to get done today or else' tasks.  My arms feel full with everyone else's stuff - everyone else's needs.  With arms wide full, it feels near impossible to reach around and hug myself; show myself any kindness or reprieve for the everyday march of raising young kids.  I am so accustomed to having full arms, that when they are empty I have a gnawing sense of guilt- what could I be doing right now to take advantage of this moment, what am I supposed to be doing right now with these empty arms!?

But I would be remiss to ignore the fact that with arms wide full, life is also incredibly wonderful.  My mind keeps floating to that Annie Dillard quote that I love so very much ...and what that means for my life, at least in this season: 

Part of my life has been spent, is being spent - holding and loving our babies - the whole weight of their bodies and most of their emotions resting within my arms; filling them up to fullness each and everyday.  

For now, for this season - however long it may last (and please, let it be a long one no matter how much I may take it for granted daily), I will gladly and gratefully live with my arms wide full. 

just survive the day

Probably the best parenting advice I ever received...well actually, it was more like parenting absolution, came from my Aunt Darlene.  She's my Dad's oldest sister and also my confirmation sponsor and also one of my favorite mom role models. (Hi Aunt Dar!).  I always feel like talking to her is within a space of non-judgment which is so very refreshing in this world of mom-eat-mom parenting out there.

There are so many rules and guidelines and expectations these days on what being a 'perfect parent' looks like, and to be quite honest, going into motherhood for the first time with Greyson, I was all about those rules and my own expectations.  My kids will never...., I will make sure my kids always... were thoughts I actually had and believed in as a first time mom.  Aaaaand then I had a baby and hahhahhhha, to those thoughts.  I often wish now that I could go back to that pre-motherhood version of myself and give her a little hug and a kiss on the cheek and say, 'oh honey, you are so young and dumb, but I love you for that ambition anyway.  Hang in there girl, you've got a long road ahead.'

look at that girl, so young and full of confidence.  hahha.  I love her naive little heart.

Anyway, in one of these no judgement chats with my Aunt Dar somewhere along the early part of my 6 year journey of motherhood, I confessed some aspect of parenting with a sideways glance to show I wasn't so proud of it and it certainly was not part of my 'My kids will never...' pre-parenthood goals - and my Aunt Dar replied something to the effect of, 'Oh Tabi, sometimes you just have to survive the day.'

I've been holding that little piece of parenting mercy in my heart since then, and I've needed to lean into it about a bajillion times when this mothering gig seems to crack at the seams and makes me want to hide in the corner from shame and defeat.

Some highlights from those kinds of moments -

• Greyson woke up in our bed every.single.morning for literally three years. every.single.morning from when he was two years old until he turned five.

• Because I kepting holding off on kid-proofing the iPad, Gemma, at four years old, had navigated herself to a full-frontal, graphic, live birth youtube video and was casually watching it when I came over and asked, 'whatcha watching baby....OMIGOSH!' 

• Violet is in the midst of potty training at 21 months (!!), but she still drinks a bubba at naptime (!!?!) 

The point is,
there are things we are 'supposed to do,'
and things we hope to do,
and things we can feasibly do,
and things we have to do.

And the lines between each of those options become incredibly blurred when you're in the actual living of the moment in motherhood with your own kids that each have their own personalities and needs that conflict or mesh with all of the rest of your families' personalities and needs.

It's a tricky business, this being a momma
- especially today when so many people believe they might know better about the distinction between those lines from their outside perspective....but that's a different blog for a different day.

So aaaanyway, the other day, when everything was going to crap around 7:30p, I took our screaming, gassy three week old in the bjorn carrier and put our very cranky 21 month old on my shoulders outside in the warm evening air and did about 27 laps around our backyard.

Oh, this might look like something a great mom would do - Brandon even came out and snapped this picture while shouting out to me, 'Babe, you're a good momma!' - but let me assure you all- this was not about these little cherub children.  This was me just trying to survive the day, just trying to get a few minutes of peace before I went totally mad with the tinny sound of small humans.

Everyday is beautiful, and precious, and exhausting, and bizarre, and both everything and nothing like I ever thought being a mum would be.  Nearly every day I'm thrust into moments that knock me off balance about what is the 'best thing' to do right in this second.  And even then - is it the best for one child - the best for all our kids - the best for our entire family...?  

And so I try to do my best each day, but also I give myself some grace knowing that sometimes 'ya just have to survive the day' and I resolve to do better tomorrow - to try to be better tomorrow; a better mom, a better wife, better daughter, sister, friend.  

And lots of times I am better tomorrow, because the kids are more rested, or I'm more rested, or I have support from our village that day, or the weather cooperates, or some other combination of luck and magic.  Granted, it's only a teeny, tiny, tiny bit better - but definitely in the right direction, and I think it's because of that mercy on myself and the hope that I can do better on the next go-around.

My hope is that each of us mommas (and daddas) can keep that little bit of forgiveness in our hearts for ourselves in those difficult moments.  And if we can all try to remember that - we're all just trying to survive the day - when we see other parents in their own difficult moments...we might just be able to make this world a little more kind.  

good luck out there, mommas.  

we had a no, no, no day yesterday (ahem, Violet), so I'm hopeful today will be brighter, and that's even despite the poop I cleaned up off the floor this morning AND the pull-up she just disguarded at my feet.  #someoneholdme