Life Lessons: Sitting with disappointment

Greyson got to play in the championship series for his basketball league this past week and after a win followed by two close losses, his team ended up in second place. He was so bummed (tears) and when he came down from the team locker chat, he immediately asked for me to check his grades.

I knew right away that he wanted me to do that so I could see whether or not he'd be able to play the xbox when we got home (if he has a C in powerschool, he loses xbox privileges). And I understood right away that he was feeling disappointed and he wanted to get away from that feeling as soon as possible.

*

But I'm his momma, and I need to constantly be playing the long game.

So, I told him no. No I wouldn't check his grades because no matter what he had in there, we weren't going to go home and distract ourselves from feeling bad. We were going to feel this for a little while so we remember how it feels to lose, to be disappointed and we can work out feeling better together.

And we went home and called a screen free break and we figured our way through the disappointment. Grey whined/cried for awhile (both about losing and about not getting a distraction in the form of a screen). We made and ate lunch together, the kids had some chores to do, the kids played together around the house, and we talked about the game and about whatever else came to our minds. We figured it out until everyone seemed back to balance again.

Do I enjoy to see my child upset or disappointed? Of course not, but I also know that in the long run, it is important for him to learn to cope with feelings of disappointment. He needs to know how to deal with those feelings.

The thing is - we live in a world of readily available distraction - literally at our fingertips. As a high school teacher (and the wife of a varsity basketball coach), I see every single day the way kids don't have the coping skills to deal with disappointment or adversity. At the first blip of a challenge, more often than not, my students' first instinct is to shut down.

Many times, students will go so far as to try to remove themselves from even the possibility of failure; if they try they might fail - but if they don't try at all they won't fail (nor will they succeed but the risk of failure is great enough that the possibility of success doesn't matter).

We need to help kids get comfortable with the uncomfortability of failing. 

some minor emotional discomfort will strengthen their backbone for the future. Those get-back-up-after-defeat muscles need stretched and toned for the million more times in life that they are going to need worked. We need to practice with small disappointments now so that when the losses are bigger and weigh more, our kids will be able to withstand them; whether we are there to help or not.

I'm not claiming to have the answers; I'm still only about nine years into this parenting gig. But I lean hard into those before me (thanks parents and in-laws) and I look to my friends who are further along in this parenting journey than me - who have kids who are kind and decent and that I use as examples to my own kiddos. My students who are most resilient and successful are the kids who know how to face challenges head on without fear of failure, because they have the experience to know that failure and disappointment is not something to fear at all - but a chance to learn a lesson and get back up and march on.

let's play the long game, mommas and daddas.

*Greyson posed for this 'disappointed' picture a few days later at my request. it was between smiles and giggling about modeling