Around Here Week 14: 03/29-04/04

A glimpse into what it was like to live in this week where our new baby brother decided to join us in the midst of a global pandemic.

Intentional Outdoor Hours:  30+ hours (of 1000)
We had an absolute beautiful day on Sunday and snagged a bunch of time outside that included even lunch on the patio (the kids' favorite!) Brandon pulled out the pressure washer and did the front porch and sidewalks and the kids danced joyfully through the mists. We are all so ready for summertime! The dogs even got a bath before the end of the day; a long and productive outdoor day!

Reading Nyxia by Scott Reintgen a little bit.

Toad-sitting for the summer. The kids' STEAM teacher, Mrs. Roxby who they adore asked if we would be interested in being the host family for the class's fire-bellied toads and they were thrilled. We moved the 7 toads and their habitat into the girls' room on Tuesday. We got to feed them the crickets and the kids were cheering as they watched the toads snatch up the crickets.

Meeting Studerbaby #5! I had my non-stress test and weekly appointment with our midwife on Wednesday where it was determined at 2cm dilated with a possible cord prolapse, there was no time to wait - we'd be getting our baby that day! As it was April 1st - I literally had to text a picture of myself in a hospital gown with the message, "We are getting the baby today - this is NOT an April Fools joke!" to make sure our family would believe us. (hah). It was pretty quick moving from there and our baby boy, Redland Adams Studer, was born by 5:22p at 7lbs 2 oz and 19.5 inches long! My midwife (and cousin) Meg was amazing, our surgeon Dr. Khouzami was incredible, my nurses and anesthesiologists were awesome, and Brandon was able to be there in the surgery with me. Not going to lie, I would never choose a c-section again if possible (hah), but Red is here and safe and I am recovering, so all is well.

Overjoyed that Redland shares a birthday with his great grandma; Mimi. He and Mimi are exactly 82 years apart in age. She was so sweetly excited and I cried about at least twice that day. It makes me so happy!

Isolating even more than has been normal with just Brandon, Red, and I in the hospital as the Covid-19 pandemic has restricted all visitors to the hospital. It was pretty eerie and lonely to be there for two days with no visits from friendly and familial faces like it was for all the other kids' births. We did lots of photos, texts, and video chats though to share Red's sweet face with those we love. The kids called every 10 minutes to see their baby brother again - but by day 2 I was ready to get the heck out of there and home so our whole family could be together again. Again, due to the pandemic, I was cleared within 2 days (as my healing was making good progress and Red looked great) and it was deemed probably safer for us to be quarantined at home than at the hospital with frontline heroes in and out of the room all day.

Social distance visiting. My parents came to our house on Sunday and we chatted outside and reminded the kids (with heavy hearts) that they had to stay 6ft away. It was so nice to see their faces though. Tasha flew to our house when it was c-section go time and traded off between her and Kayla to watch the kids for the next two days (hand-washing and Lysol'ing like crazy). My mom and Kayla were there when we pulled up from the hospital and stood several feet away to peek into the car seat and coo and smile over Red's little face. Then after Red was at home, Gigi and Pappy stopped by to deliver dinner and groceries. Gigi had washed down with surgical soap, wore her N95 mask, and got to hold Red for a few minutes before she washed her hands.  All the rest of the kids kept their distance from her and Pap and Violet cried almost the whole entire visit because she cannot stand to see Pappy without hugging him. The whole family had bath night while Red had a little sponge bath!

Visiting the doctor's office for Red's first check up. What a strange world we live in right now. We were instructed to wait in the car until they called us and then just Red and I went into the building and straight back to our well check room. He did great for his appointment, but at no point was there more than 2 people in our room and I was getting a weird vibe from the doctor during the check up until I realized it was only because he was all the way across the room asking/answering questions - instead of on the rolling stool in a more personable way - but he was practicing social distancing in the appointment!

Managing the rotations of siblings that get to hold Red next because we have an obsession situation over here. I have to keep saying, "We don't have to fight over who gets to spend time with him - he lives here now; forever!"

College'ing with the addition of 2 more pages to my research paper. I emailed my professor on Friday to let her know that we had the baby and she was so sweetly excited about it in her reply message. She also informed me that due to the global situation - all of our papers have been pushed back one week which was such welcome news! So my research paper is due Easter instead - which gives me a whole week of "maternity leave" to get it wrapped up. Yay!

Homeschooling with some free printables (thanks internet!), keeping tabs on our caterpillars, and learning up on fire-bellied toads! The kids did some real Home Ec learning when my sisters and mom were here with them while we were in the hospital. They all pitched in to help clean and organize the house before baby Red came home. Grey vaccumed the whole house and even learned what a 'baseboard' is (hah). Thank you Abba, Kitty, and Uch!!

Virtual teaching with some comprehensible input stories and activities. Spanish 1 and 2 read about La Criatura and answered daily prompts for the week while Spanish 2 read Ratones en Mi Casa with corresponding daily prompts. Spanish 3/4 Honors read the same story (Ratones) but in the past tense and had their daily prompts due for the week as well. I announced LMA pass winners on Monday (congrats students!) and started working on our next week's lessons about Semana Santa. I am also still sharing a weekly música miércoles video on Wednesdays (this week was Marc Anthony's Vivir Mi Vida) and then my "maternity leave" started on Thursday since Baby Red had arrived.

Making lots of meals but also receiving so much love and support from our family in the form of food and groceries.
Breakfasts: sopapilla, cereal, chocolate crescent rolls, pancakes (twice!)
Lunches: buffalo chicken dip, chicken nuggets & tater tots, mac & cheese, chicken alfredo with roasted tomatoes (Hello Fresh), leftovers (twice!)
Dinners: burgers and roasted potato fries (Hello Fresh), cheesy chicken and rice in the crockpot, taco tuesday, meatloaf (from Gigi and Pap!), Fox's pizza (from Uch!), wings and chicken salad (from Brandon's office co-workers), pierogie lasagna (from Gigi & Pap!)

Redland is here.

Red, 

my little greatest showman. 

none of it went like I thought it would go

you have a mother that likes to make plans and calendar notes and check tasks off of to do lists

but you were born into a world that does not support plans and calendar notes and normal task lists

I wish I could write more at this time

but your momma has a lot of thoughts 

and processing 

and sorting out in her heart and mind to do

all there is to know is that

you are here. 

and you are perfect. 

and you are squishy. 

and you smell like heaven. 

and you are so teeny (your momma, she forgets every time how small babies are!)

and you bring so much joy to your big brothers and sisters

and you are strong

and that is all that matters in this time of uncertainty

the thing is
we miss our people.
we want hugs from our grandparents and friends
we want to pass you from arm to adoring arm
we want to coo and giggle and melt over your little expressions together
we want to share food and drink with those we love in celebration of your birthday
we want to set dates on the calendar for meet&greets and playdates

it feels too lonely and unsure
how long must we stay away from the physical closeness of the people that help us hold it all together?
there are so many hugs that are waiting to surround you
there are so many kisses that haven't been given to you
the heaven scent from the top of your head has not been inhaled by all of your people
you have not squeezed around the fingers of those that will cheer you on all your life
my heart aches to think of how much you deserve all of those things, Red.
my heart aches to know how much the people you love need to give you all those things, Red.
I know they will, as soon as they can safely
but the waiting hurts a lot

and you are definitely getting a lot of hugs and kisses and heaven scent inhales and fingers to squeeze from me and dad and Grey and Gem and Violet, and Rusty
you are so loved that all day long I have to say,
"we don't have to fight over who gets to hold Redland next! He lives with us now forever!"

when you are in my arms, Red,
everything that feels scary blurs out
and I can focus on just this one moment

I don't know how to be what the world needs me to be right now
I don't know how long this will last
I don't know if there is more scary, sad days ahead

but I know I can do this one thing
I can be your momma

I love you, Red.
you are the tiniest person in our family
but somehow the anchor
while the world swirls around in uncertainty outside our mountaintop
you hold us to this present moment
the beauty and simplicity of this moment right now
thank you, Red.
we are so lucky to be your family.

the 5 year plan revisited

While poking around in the 12 years worth of blog posts (!) a few months ago, I found this post from August 2012 and smiled and laughed my way through it. In that post, I had written to myself five years younger (24 year old Tabitha) to tell her about all the things she would be surprised to know had happened in only five years time. Then, I had written a list out to future Tabitha for five years from then (Tabitha of 34 yrs) and guessed, hoped, dreamed at how our life would change in another five years. 

Since I didn't uncover it until this year (seven years later!), I smiled as I checked off the list while astonished, as always, at how time slips by; ya blink, man, and ya almost miss it. Tabitha from 2012 had written these thoughts for five years in the future: 

• we will have added to our human family by 2 - yes! plus (almost) one more than that!
• we will NOT have moved again - yes!
• we will have traveled to Europe - no
• we will still be doing 12 months of kindness - yes, but loosely - we just try to live with kindness and give our own personal gifts out as generously as possible
• i will be working with kids again - yes! 
• my kids will be bilingual - hahha, no. they tell me to "just talk regular" 
• b and i will have renewed our vows - no, but our whispered declarations of love and gratitude to each other in the small moments of hectic life of raising up kids carry so much more weight than any ceremony or party could ever
• i will be a published writer - ugh, no. although I did write my first short story and Brandon blew it up 300% size and framed it and hung it in our dining room

Seven years ago, I was 29 (oh, how precious!) with two kiddos aged 3 and under. I was right in the beginning states of understanding there is no way to figure this mom'ing gig out; just scratching the surface at the realization that there is no right way, fix-all, or perfect in raising up kids. Gosh, how I wanted there to be one though - because I am a researcher and planner and tryer-outer and I was determined to overturn every darn rock to discover the way to do this thing the right way. How sweet and ambitious of a young mother she was - how tired and frustrated she was; mostly with herself. 

I had learned so much in three years of mom'ing, but I had so much to go yet - so much experience, so many more kids (hah!), so many more mistakes and successes that needed to come through to get me to where I am now...still not knowing what I'm doing, but finding solace in recognizing that it's a good thing to get to continue to try better and grow each day. To see that what works today and is beautiful right this moment might only last for just this moment. And what is a chaotic, messy disaster today will be something we laugh about tomorrow. Because, girl, this is a damn circus. But it's our circus and we have our favorite freaks in our freak show and we wave that flag loud and proud, baby. 

Sweet, ambitious, beautiful, exhausted, brilliant Tabitha of 29. My darling, you will be surprised to find out that in the last seven years, these things have happened: 

• you are back in the classroom teaching high school Spanish (for 3+years now) and you are the Spanish club adviser, prom committee adviser, and Project Lit book club co-founder
• you're in college again (online) while teaching full-time and pregnant to take one class that the department of education is requiring you to take to be PA certified (after passing all the PA Praxis tests last year)
• you were a stay-at-home mom for three years and it was the best and loneliest job you have ever had
• Brandon took a huge pay cut and changed jobs for a much more balanced work-home life and a healthy, hearty beard and you could not be more grateful
• Brandon was a varsity basketball coach for six years at your alma mater
• you have not traveled out of the country in over five years
• you and Brandon coach youth sports almost year round (you: youth cheerleading and soccer and Brandon: youth football, basketball, and baseball)
• you started running and have run and finished many 5Ks, a 10k, and a half marathon
• you read real books again, like a lot of them (20+ a year!)
• you started a small book publishing business with your best friends that create and sell outdoorsman related children's books
• loved, prayed, weathered, and researched through a year and a half of pancreatic cancer treatments for Gigi
• you lost your final grandparent, pap, and carry the heaviness in your heart of being a grandparentless grandchild
• you and Brandon took a long weekend trip to the Adirondacks to celebrate 10 years of marriage (!) and it was incredibly blissful and memories of that little window of just the two of you helps you stay grounded when our normal life is so loud and busy
• you said goodbye to both of your cats who live in cat heaven with cat Jesus now
• Brandon has most of his fish still - Big Daddy the catfish lives on still!
• you currently have 7 chickens
• Bullet is still the biggest pain in the butt of the family. Trixie still only wants to sleep and snuggle
• in there, we've also had hermit crabs and a hamster (rest in peace with hermit crab Jesus and hamster Jesus)
• you and Brandon eat high school lunch together regularly during the school year because you work in the same school district now
• you drive a mini van; her name is Sheila. We are pretty sure she has a mouse living in it #kidsnacklife and we call him Marvin and say he's Sheila's pet 
• you still have pink carpet up the steps and that tile that you hate in the kitchen
• your oldest son has gone to kindergarten (such a traumatic momma milestone, you cried and then survived and now thrive), broken his wrist when he was staying with cousins three hours away, would choose hunting and fishing over you (hah, but seriously), plays every sport with the athletic freak genes he possesses, and is almost a decade old
• your oldest daughter has gone to kindergarten (still heartbreaking but with much less trauma because - girl you been here before), struggled in school academically, has best friends that are 2-3 years older, carries a deeply empathetic heart around each day that needs regular caring and tending to, and fought for human rights by teaching classmates that "flesh" is not a color of crayon and telling kids on the bus that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls
• your middle daughter has registered for kindergarten, kissed a boy (!), has special powers that might include seeing the future, almost drown last summer, and has dimples when she smiles mischievously 
• your second son does not stop talking, has the sweetest lisp you've ever heard, whiplashes between a cherub angel and a demon, eats chocolate and chips for his main nutrition, and can not wait to be a big brother so he's not the littlest
• your baby boy, Studer #5 (!) is scheduled to arrive in 6 days with your first c-section due to a low lying placenta and possible cord prolapse...in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic. his life will be no doubt be full of adventure. 

29 year old Tabitha,

I love you for your ambition and hopes and dreams. Thank you for using moisturizer, and trying crazy pinterest things when you had the time, money, and energy. Thank you for hanging in there when the first swing at motherhood is so shocking and scary and hard - so so hard is that first time out of the gates! I get to live this life today because you lived that life seven years ago and I am so grateful for this life today - in all it's loud, messy, madness. I am proud of you and thankful for you. 

And to future Tabitha - 42 year old Tabitha out there. I cannot even imagine, nor do I want to even go there yet thinking about the life you lead with bigger kids and bigger problems - teenagers! all five kids in school! boyfriends/girlfriends! permit drivers! 

omigosh, I can cry just considering it. But maybe if you make me do it - I hope these things might be true about our life in five years: 

• you will not have moved but found a way to make this home and space more of what you want
• you will have more farm animals (goats? sheep? ducks?)
• you will WRITE THE DAMN BOOK
• you will have taken some/all children on a volunteering trip
• you will still be teaching
• you will have stuck to your guns on the no cell phone until 8th grade rule
• you will still be making Family Yearbooks

Good luck out there future Tab. I love you, I trust you. 

Do this life; this loving your handsome bearded husband, this raising up kids, this teaching students and coaching kids, and giving generously with an intentional, grateful heart. 

It's all going to be okay - and if we're lucky - it's all going to be imperfectly wonderful.