Gemma Rose at four years old

Dear Gemmi Ro,

at four years old, you are the pixie dust to our lives.  it's as if we can see an actual sparkling trail you leave as you twirl, skip, flitter, and float about the house, the way you move sometimes, it appears maybe you do have little fluttering, invisible fairy wings that keep you hovering a few inches off of the floor...

...or maybe those are your high heels that you proudly click about the house pretending to be a 'grown up' with your painted fingernails and smudged on lipstick talking about how you and Daddy are getting married.  Goodness, do you love your Dad.   You ask him to dance and buy you gummy bears and daily pick out his morning suit and tie.  I look at you two with giggles and send out little prayers to the days when you're fifteen and you're breaking his poor little heart into a million pieces.

You are our family snuggle master, always ready to squeeze into tiny spaces on the couch next to anyone and share their air.  You have no preferences as to who you are sitting with - me, Dad, your brother or sister or our pets.  You're always pulling over the blankies and getting 'all snugly and cozy.'

I call you my shadow and have to remind you about twenty times a day that sometimes mommas need space.  I can't turn around without bumping into you.  You are very helpful and so eager to do things independently.  You've mastered feeding the dogs and getting them water from the bathroom sink.  You like making your own waffles, using butter knives and scissors, and making scribble notes in notebooks that you leave all over the house claiming that it's your work.

And girlfriend, can you ever talk.  From the moment you wake up until the moment you finally close your eyes, you have so much to say.  The stories and questions are endless and Dad and I find ourselves repeating (especially at mealtimes), 'Gemmi, please be quiet for a couple minutes." The other day at lunch I said, "Gemmi, why are you talking all the time?" to which you answered, "I love to talk Mum. And eating.  And snuggling.  So if we could eat lunch on the couch with a blankie and talk too.  That's like the best day ever in my whole life."

Talking about getting bigger and being a grown up is some of your favorite discussions.  You can't wait to drive a car and have a purse and buy stuff and be a mommy, and, obviously, marry Daddy.  But if somehow that conversation leads to ME being older (ie. your kids' grandma) then you half yell, half cry telling me that it will NOT be like that because 'you're NEVER getting old mom! and i'm never living in a different house and i don't want to talk about this ever again!" thank you, my sweet four year old gemmi ro...i will hold on to you saying this when you are eighteen and counting down the days until you get to move away.

You currently have your first bonafide crush of your life.  I'm counting it as legit because occasionally you'll completely out of the blue, wonder aloud if he's thinking about you and send little whispered wishes out into the universe that he'll come to rescue you when you're in danger.  by the way, your crush is the fairy prince Cornelius from the animated movie Thumbelina.  this has been going on for three weeks.

We were listening to the music channel on tv yesterday, having a good ole fashion, no holds barred dance party, when 'Sorry' came on and you caught sight of the picture of Justin Beiber and whipped your head around to me with big round eyes.  I burst out laughing immediately, recognizing this face as my own tween self and said, "what?" to which you pretend fainted onto the ottoman saying dramatically, "He's SO handsome!"  Good Lord, do we have trouble coming.

At four years old, we are already catching glimpses of tween Gemma, in all your hair obsessed ('does my hair look crazy'), best friend jealousy ('I don't want her to play with anyone else but me!') and i-want-a-boyfriend talk.  This week, you've even pulled out the line - 'You're ruining my life!' even though you don't quite understand the gravity of the statement but you definitely know that it means someone (me) is doing something you really don't like (asking you to clean up the mess in your room).  Your current favorites movies/shows are Thumbelina (um, hello Cornelius), Teen Beach Movie 2, Disney Descendants, Princess Sophia, and Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse.  You've requested a 'make-up' party for your birthday, so we're doing movie star make-overs with a photo booth, you are over the moon about the three new lipsticks and the glitter cupcake icing you got to select for the party.

Gem, you have this life that bubbles up and out of you in the brightest and most honest way.  You act out tenderly and maternally to anything smaller than you, mimicking me as you push back Violet's hair, kiss her on top of her head and whisper, 'you're a good baby.'  You make up the words to books and little songs that mostly include words like:  lovely, fantastic, and magical.

You love to have us watch you doing your made up dances and gymnastics routines, your pretend songs and dramatic reenactments of your favorite love stories, but only us.  Right now it is only reserved for immediate family as you suffer from severe stage fright if you know people are watching you, going so far as to break down into tears.  You demand a spotlight, baby, but I'm kind of glad that you just want to share your full sparkling spirit with us for now.

You are truly like a little pixie with your long eyelashes and your xylophone voice, and your rotating wardrobe of mainly dresses (the twirlier the better!).  You can't be bothered with whether you know the right words for your lip sync routine, or if you know what letter is called what, or what the rules to any game is.  You only care if everyone is smiling and if there is 'hot gum' for you, and if everyone is being family and hugging and if we can please talk some more and be happy together.

Oh, gemmi, you are so much like me and also so very different from me.  it's like I know all the words to the song, but the melody is different; which makes it both so beautiful and mystifying to watch you grow.

Roey, girl.  we are so very proud of you.
i love you forever and ever.
even when you keep getting so big,
mumma

a grateful heart

when I pray, I always include this plea, "help me to live each day of my beautiful life with a grateful heart, even when it feels difficult and frustrating.  help me remember to be thankful each moment."

it's easy to have a grateful heart when, in those rare moments, everything is going smoothly, like the other day when our whole family was awake uncharacteristically early for church and I had time to get the girls in the bathtub while I sipped coffee and gently rubbed my baby bump and Greyson and Brandon played basketball in the kids' room.  my heart whispered out, 'how lucky to be in this warm house while the outside is so cold with my three kids all perfectly content and all of us under this one roof and in no hurry right at this moment.'

sometimes a reminder to be grateful comes in the tiny hands reaching for mine, and the 'you're the best mom ever! thank you for letting me use the glue!' shouts of glee, the full on tackle hug I still get at the bus stop at afternoon pickup, and the welcome home kiss from my husband.  No matter what the day has brought, these little sparks of pure love stop my heart in its tracks for a moment to recognize, 'this is your perfect.'

often times, i have to dislodge it from my throat and try to choke the gratitude down in the difficult moments that make up a mother's day raising very young kids.  the messes that are twice the size of their bodies (we're raising creative and imaginative humans), the mealtime whining (we are lucky to not know what it means to really be hungry), the bedtime negotiations (they still need and want me around), the keys that are missing because he doesn't put them back where they go (we said for better or worse and he gets his fair share of my worst).

i try my best to extend a grateful heart to all the conveniences that we have and so many do not.  i whisper to myself in moments that feel frustrating, 'first world problems, tab.' and i remember to take a grateful breath.  so, i flip on the spigot and send a thank you for immediate clean water.  i send a thank you out to the 'hide' button on facebook when my newsfeed becomes particularly disheartening.  i thank the electricity for my nuked coffee for the third time today, for the food in the deep freezer, for the internet and the connections that it gives me to people i don't get to see everyday (or ever!),  for laundry baskets of clothes that, alas, need folded but are in fact clean.  my gratitude for certain luxuries i used to take for granted before becoming a mum that now are almost extolled in a ludicrous amount like an uninterrupted hot shower, and clean bed sheets, forgotten chocolate discovered on a difficult afternoon.

i try to look at the people that surround me and my family with a full and grateful heart. there are people who love us despite all of our flaws and frustrating habits.  people who answer our calls in the midnight hour of need.  those who show up, no questions when we are celebrating and when we are mourning.  we have people in our lives who bring practical help and a hand extended.  strangers that show up at just the right moment and offer help or advice just as we realize we need it.  people who give us nothing more than patience as we learn and grow and figure our way through this life.

and i extend my grateful heart to myself  when its difficult to be a part of a world in which it feels like so many other people are ungrateful or at the very least, unaware of the opportunities in which to be grateful.  i am in charge of me, i am in charge of my own reactions and emotions.  despite all else, i can find a way to go on with a grateful heart in this small little area that i occupy in the great big space and time of history.

when i'm feeling particularly gloomy or in a rut, i know that the first step to feeling right again is to dig deep in gratitude.  to take stock of this one, precious, beautiful life as it is right in this moment and I can put one foot in front of the other; feeling lighter and more joyful with each step.

Around Here Week Six: 02/05-02/12

A weekly review of what it is like to live in our home right this minute.

Intentional Hours Outside:  9.18 hours (of 1000)
I just said to Brandon, how many hours would you consider lame at this point in my goal? He said, 'I don't know, probably less than ten?' waaaaah.  I agree.  Less than ten feels definitely lame at this point after six weeks, but as Bud always said, 'what are you supposed to do when it's less than ten degrees outside?' which it has been for half of this week.  So, I'm getting out when it's 15 degrees or above and still plugging away at the goal....anxiously awaiting higher temps.

Reading Dear Mr. You and still cherishing it slowly.  Also listening to Tell the Wolves I'm home on audible and just started our next Inspired Readers Book Club choice: A Man Named Ove to be ready for discussion on Monday!

Recognizing that sometimes you have those weeks that while you're searching for the tv remote behind the couch cushions and you grab a handful of questionable items covered in dog hair and snack crumbs, you just shove it back down in there while ashamedly thinking, 'no, I can't take care of that right now.'  It was one of those kinds of weeks...okay fine, that actually happened this week.

Celebrating so many mini-holidays this week!  I'ts part of our favorite bits of the winter season, but the holidays were all stacked up in this one week!  We hung paper lanterns and enjoyed homemade fried rice for Lunar New Year on Monday (year of the Monkey!), then ate Kings Cake for breakfast and the girls made cereal snack necklaces in green, yellow, and gold for Mardi Gras on Tuesday.  By Wednesday, we pulled out our Lenten countdown calendars for the kids to color while we await Easter and the kids finished up their Valentines for the friends at school and gymnastics this week too.  Whew, it's might be kind of boring now through the winter weeks that we knocked those all out this week, hah!

Feeling like a part of the fake society The Secret Lives of Coaches' Wives as we prepared for senior night on Wednesday.  There were the senior day programs that needed created, printed, and folded.  The gift bags that needed final purchases and packed - including Gemma on my shoulders to reach the water bottles on the top shelf at Dunhams (hah!), we needed nine of them and the cashier was giving me confused glances until I finally said, 'senior night! we have nine this year on the team!'  Senior night went well and is the official herald of nearly the end of the season which is bittersweet because we love the team, but we are all about ready to have Daddy back on a regular schedule!

Meeting our new baby cousin Brooke and giving her so many snuggles.  It's crazy how you don't remember how teeny babies are at the very beginning.  I just had a newborn only 16 months ago, and I then I saw Brooke and held her and was shocked.  How?  How do mommas forget how tiny and precious and sweet-smelling those newborns are so quickly.  It was touch-and-go there for a few minutes as to whether or not I was just going to straight up kidnap that baby and keep her forever (haha, only half kidding Taush!) but seriously, Gemmi and I were over the moon about baby Brooke and both held her twice in the forty five minutes that we spent visiting and dropping off some dinner for our cousins - a family of six now!!

Not missing our toys (and the mess that went with them) that I stashed away a few weeks ago, still!  We do have a few items out (sports balls, a babydoll or two, and plenty of books), so the kids have been playing chase and fixing up fake dinner with our pots and pans while I cook meals, and lots of coloring and drawing.  Maybe those toys will never return, mwhahhaha.

Relieved that I can feel our fourth little baby swimming about in my ever growing belly (yep, fourth baby belly at 23 weeks that looks like I'm eight months pregnant- hah!) We also had a regular check up this month and all is going well in there and as expected.  I'm in the auto-pilot phase at this point, but still battling feeling worn out throughout the day.  Also, still very hungry until about 5p when the full blown heartburn kicks in.  Gemma has been talking so much about our new brother and asking always if I'm going to cry when I get him out.  This week, she put a babydoll under her shirt and wanted to have a fifteen minute chat about our pregnancies together.  I mean, that girl is outrageous in all the ways.