The Mom Next Door Series: Ashley B

I am so happy to share this week's Mom Next Door Interview with Ashley.  She is a Mom I get daily boosts of inspiration about being intentional in every little bit of life both from her blog and insta acount. She is also an unbelievably great list and goal maker - but more than that, she is inspiring in the way that she actually stays connected to her goals and pushes herself to do regular check-ins on where she stands with them.

Honestly, I am so grateful the internet brought us together and I'm always secretly wishing we could meet up for coffee and the wildest kid play-date ever.  (Ashley, can we find a halfway point between PA and VA and make this happen someday?)

Besides being a Mom to four (almost five!  She's due this month!), she also successfully runs a small home decor business, home schools, writes a blog, and finds time to do beautiful projects like stitching and creating projects to support other Moms like her Penpal Project.  Please take a few minutes to read on to learn more about the brilliant Mom Next Door, Ashley.


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Who are you?  My name is Ashley and I am a wife and mamma to four little ones (three boys and a girl, ages 7 to 21 months) with baby number five due to make his appearance in late September.  (editor's note:  Ashley's and my due dates are only one day apart!  I think an arranged marriage is in the works, yes?) 

We live in northern Virginia, where I am a stay-at-home-mom as well as the owner of an online decor store called Big White Farmhouse. The name comes from my great-grandmother's home in the countryside of Maine. In her honor, my cousin (who co-founded BWF with me) and I try to support small, hometown artisans and sell products created right here in the USA.  I also sporadically blog at thebigwhitefarmhouse.blogspot.com!

What has become your parenting mantra or guiding principle?  One of my favorite inspirational people is Mother Teresa and I've adopted her famous quote, "Do small things with great love" as the guiding principle for my entire life. Her quote is especially helpful to me as a mother, as the vocation of motherhood can sometimes feel monotonous and unimportant. If I can honestly say at the end of the day that I served my family with great love, then that day was a success! 

Another quote I love from Mother Teresa is: "Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing." How inspiring for mammas! 

What do you feel like you are really good at as a mom?  About a year and a half ago, I was in a hard place, watching people accomplish amazing things while I let fear and excuses keep me on the sidelines. Finally, I decided enough was enough and resolved for 2013 to be the year that I start living intentionally, focusing on making my life full of what I wanted it to be. I wanted to be a better example to my children and to show them commitment and perseverance, both in personal endeavors and with our family as a whole. It has been the best thing I could have ever done as a mom.

Most of the things I've accomplished in the time since are simple and sometimes even silly: consistent meal planning, taking the time to do craft projects with my art-loving boy, becoming a runner, cooking as a family, and traveling to new cities are just a handful of examples. But without being intentional, these would have quickly fallen to the wayside. My prayer is that my children will see my desire to make the most of my "one wild and precious life" and strive to do the same.

What do you feel like you wish you were better at as a mom?  One area that I am continually trying to figure out is how to spend more one-on-one time with each of my children on a daily basis. I love to hear what's on their little minds and give them my full attention, but I am often so distracted! The other kids, the chores, the business, even just good old exhaustion...they all fight for my time and sometimes win. I'm going to keep trying, though, because it's an area in which I am determined to be better.

What do you miss from Mom days already gone by?  My oldest is turning eight this fall and I just can't believe how fast the time has gone! In our excitement over our first born, I think we sometimes rushed his stages; so anxious for what came next. He is now going into second grade, reading chapter books and playing competitive soccer...and his Mamma wants it to all slow down! With a little parenting wisdom under my belt, I am now much more content to enjoy each step along the way.

What are the small joys of being a mom that you treasure most right now?  Where do I even begin? I love watching my babies after they've gone to sleep or hearing them belly laugh together at jokes only they understand. I love tight hugs around the neck and finding crayon-written love notes on my desk. Honestly, there are so many little joys that happen everyday if I choose to look for them!

Our preparations for baby #3

Our new baby sister is due to arrive this month, and we can all hardly wait to meet her.  We've been busy the past 9 months getting ready for our third child, being as intentional as possible to try to make the transition from two kids to three goes as smoothly as possible.  We care a lot (A LOT) about our kids being siblings who are friends and who feel accountable to one another - and we know that those bonds are created from the very start.  

So here's what we've been doing to intentionally prepare for our third baby!

Bedtime stories:  we've been rotating in our favorite sibling books into our bedtime reading over the last few months as reminders of how much fun, how confusing, and how great having brothers and sisters can be.  Our favorites are:  Chloe, Instead by Micah Player, Peter's Chair by Ezra Jack Keats, The New Baby by Mercer Mayer, Maggie's Monkeys by Linda Sellers-Wells and Abby Carter, and If Big Can, I Can by Beth Shoshan.

House arrangements:  We have a three bedroom house, which means it is time to make room for a newborn!  We announced to the kids that they would be sharing a room and getting bunk beds in June (a full four months before their sister is set to arrive).  We wanted to make sure that our two biggest kids felt like the move was all about them - not that they were being kicked together for the new girl.  The bunks have been a H.U.G.E. hit (they're obsessed) and we have settled into a new comfortable bedtime routine with them in the same room together.

This also gave us a chance to tackle some toy clutter to make sure all their 'big kid' toys could fit in their room.  Most of the toys are all together mixed (we try not to distinguish things as specifically 'girl' or 'boy' toys) and we left most of the floor space wide open in the middle for playing, dancing, and ninja fighting moves.  

 

As in years past, we also pull out the baby equipment weeks in advance to get everyone comfortable with the new items that will take up space in our house. The baby swing has had a home in our living room for the last month and half and the bassinet is up in our bedroom as well.  The kids were enlisted in helping to bring down (from the attic) all of the baby's stuff so they could ask questions about it, help set it up, and even help dust/clean them off!

The kids helped unpack our baby hand-me-down clothes we talked about how small everything is and how they used to fit in the clothes when they were tiny.  Greyson helped me pick out our new diaper bag online (he chose a red&blue one) and the kids helped organize the baby's bookcase of board books and soft toys.  They both helped Daddy vacuum and clean the truck and we installed her car seat last week so that Grey and Gemma have the next few weeks to get used to the new backseat arrangement (Grey's booster carseat in the middle between the two girls since he knows how to buckle himself).  

With all the normal preparations that need done to get ready for a new baby - we are trying to include them as much as possible (even though it takes twice as long) so that they feel like we are ALL getting ready for her. 

The nursery is all set and ready to go as well.  We left the guest bed in the room as a way to, hopefully, include the kids in upcoming bedtimes or nursing.  I'm hoping the kids and I can all be together (especially during the upcoming basketball season) in the baby's room reading books while she nurses before bed and then the two big ones and I will move over to their room for bedtime afterward.  (Update on the success -or not- of this to come post-baby arrival!) 

Grey was happy to make a family portrait for his new sister too so that she'd know who was in her family and who would love her forever.  It was the perfect addition to her room.  He was pretty proud of it. 

Baby Care Practice:  We have been periodically showing the kids how we will need to take care of our new baby when she comes home with us with the kids.  They have practiced diapering, swaddling, and even wearing the baby bjorn and pretend vacuuming (hahha!)  The kids know that their baby sister will mostly eat and sleep at first and she won't be able to do a lot of things; that we'll need to teach her as a family how to do everything!  The Baby Care Practice with the kids was even the inspiration for our Baby Raising Competition to celebrate our new sister! 

 

Both Grey and Gem have been practicing books that they can 'read' to our new baby sis as well.  We've talked about how she can hear us in my belly, so they often will come up to my belly and whisper hilarious little things to her like "Hey Baby Sis, what are you doing in there?" (Greyson) and "Hi Baby, Come Out Now!" (Gemma).  They like kissing my belly and telling her they love her.  This is one of the kids favorite things for me to tell them right now (usually on car rides):

Me:  "After our baby sister gets born, you will come to the hospital to visit her and she will be so happy to hear you!  She'll think, 'Hey!  I know that voice, that must be my big brother!  He was reading to me when I was in my Mom's belly!' and she'll say, 'Hey!  I know that voice too, that must be my big sister!  She sang to me and gave me so many kisses!"

Grey:  "What will she say when she hears you and Dad?"

Me:  "She'll probably think, 'Oh, I know those voices.  That's my Mumma and Daddy and they are here to take care of me.  I love my family!"

Grey:  "What about when she hears Bully and Trixie bark?"

Me:  "Yep!  She'll say, 'Hey, those sound like my crazy pups!  I can't wait to get kisses from them!'  But we'll need to teach her how to touch the dogs nicely, because she won't know that you have pet them gently.  Will you guys show her how to do that too?"

Big Brother/Big Sister Class:  the kids got to attend an awesome class hosted by the hospital that our new sis will be delivered.  They got name tags and a tour of where they'll come to meet their sis.  We even got to see a real newborn in the nursery and check out the belly button and all her bracelets and what they are for.   

The nurses had us try formula (Grey drank it down like a champ!) and we diapered and swaddled baby dolls.  It was a lot of fun for them to meet other soon-to-be big bros/sisters too.  The nurses took their pictures too and they will be hung in the nursery when our little sis comes to place inside of her bassinet so that "your new baby will be able to see your picture even when you have to go home after visiting!"  (commence me openly tearing up in the class - hhahaha!)

Birthday talk:  With a four and a 2 year old, is there a greater celebration than a birthday?  No.  So we talk a lot about how when our new sister gets born it will be her birthday.  We have been counting down the weeks in our make-shift countdown charts to color the fruit/veggie size of our baby sister for that week.  Grey likes counting how many more weeks though until 40 when it will officially be our sister's birthday!

Aunt Uch has been enlisted to take care of the kids while we are at the hospital and she is in charge of bringing the two big ones and a little cake in to meet her.  We are planning on singing Happy Birthday and having our own little family celebration together for her very first birthday.  We regularly talk about who has a birthday next and now they know that the answer is Our Baby Sister!

Remembering when our first two were babies:  We have also tried to focus on when our first two were babies.  They love looking at pictures in our yearbooks and in their Text Message books from Aunt Kitty when they were babies.  They love hearing stories about what their Dad and I said when we first saw them and what they looked like when they were first born.  Grey likes to ask, "Why did you love me so much when I was a baby?"  To which I answer, "I love you so much even now when you're big and when you get as big as Daddy too because you'll always be a baby to me."  He actually recently told a friend at church that "My Mom will call me her baby even when I get as big as you!"

Celebrating the things they can do as big kids:  We try to notice and celebrate the kids in the things that they can do now that they are bigger.  We have always encouraged our kids to be independent as they are ready (dressing themselves, taking on chores like feeding the dogs and folding washcloths, etc) and we like to announce when we see our kids doing things that they have learned to do better as they get big.  We talk a lot about choosing to be helpful and how it's exciting and fun when we learn to do things like a big kid.  Grey has some frustration watching his sister do things that he can do too (he prefers being able to do things that she can't yet), so we have to make sure to point out the things that they are each learning how to do separately by age and by preference.

We have tried to still keep doing things that our kids can do now that may be a little more difficult to do when the new baby arrives.  We have made recent trips to the zoo, local parks & playgrounds, and trying to spend lots of time together as just the four (and a half!) of us.   We know in the first few weeks of the baby, we will be surrounded by friends and family, many times with the kids going out on adventures with their grandparents while Mum and the new baby get rest (we are so blessed for this) and there will be an adjustment period of a lot of coming & going.  So right now, we are trying to focus on all the things we can do in the last weeks of just two.

Discussions about family and taking care of each other:  We are always pulling out Preschool Cartoon talk when discussing our family - saying things like, "Because we are a family and we take care of one another."  and "You are being a great big brother/little sister by sharing/helping/giving space/speaking nicely...etc"  We have been including our baby sister in this  talk for the last few months as well, saying things like, "Our baby sister is so lucky to have a big brother and sister who will help teach her new things!  What do you want to teach her?"  

We have also been intentional about talking about ways our lives will be different (and how they are already different) with a new family member.  The kids know that I have less energy and lap room(!) with our baby sister growing in our belly and that they need to be careful with me during wrestling matches.  They are both fairly helpful with cleaning up (when asked) and helping with chores - Grey likes to say during this "Mum, Look at what great kids you have!"  When we talk about chores and helping each other, our standard response is, "Because we are a family and we all have to work together."

We talk a lot about Hard Days and how we all get them (even Mum and Dad) and how when someone is having a hard day we sometimes have to give them space and try our best not to tease them.  That there are ways to talk to each other kindly that is much easier than screaming and whining.  I just read about a Calm Down Codeword which I hope to incorporate in our family immediately to help us prepare for Hard Days with our new baby sister too.  

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We have wanted very much to try to make the arrival of our new baby sister as intentional as possible for our young kids.  We wanted to feel like we are awaiting the arrival of something inevitable; another person in our family; to make it feel like a person who has been missing yet is coming home to us.  Like finally we are getting this person that we've all been waiting for!  

Until then though, we will keep talking about her and being grateful that she is part of our family already - and soon she'll actually be out here in the world with us!  As we tell our kids, "How lucky we are to have our family!" 

The Mom Next Door Series: Allison K H

Our Mom Next Door Interview comes from one of my best friends, Allison - or better known around my house and in my heart as 'Karpy.'  She had her first baby just this year, in February, and watching my best friend make the transition into Mom has been an inspiring and beautiful thing to watch.  Karpy wrote her interview for me earlier this summer when her son, Andrew, was just barely three months old; still in those first few weeks of newborn mayhem and Karpy was just coming off the high of maternity leave.  Even though I knew her interview wouldn't run until now (Andrew has already celebrated his first Half Birthday!), I asked her if it would be okay to keep her interview as is - to show those first few weeks of becoming a Mom in it's full honest glory.

With each new age and stage of raising kids, I've seen myself (and most other Moms) shed a little of the memory of what the past stage really felt like living it.  Sure, we remember the sleepless nights and the overflowing joy of having a newborn - but all the daily frustrations fall away to make room for the new daily frustrations that come with raising a toddler, or preschooler, or I'm sure teenager. As I am currently awaiting the arrival of our newborn, Karpy's words and reflections about those first weeks are so special to me.  They bring a little bit of my own memory back of how fully consuming those first newborn weeks are - all the hard parts and the reminder of how wonderful the itty bitty blessings of something as tiny as a burp can be.

Please take a moment this morning to read more about my best friend Karpy as you may get transported back in time when someone probably no bigger than 10 pound ruled every moment of your days.

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Who are you? My name is Allison Hubbard, also known as 'Karpy' by my close friends. I am 31 years old, living in Apex, North Carolina (outside of Raleigh).

Who is in your family?  I live with my husband, Matt; our new and first baby Andrew (born February 2014), and our crazy 3-year old Jack Russell terrier mix, Regi.

photo credit: Bianca at A Moment Like This.

What do you do for work? I work full-time in Human Resources for NC State University.

What has become (at least for now) your parenting mantra or guiding principle? Keep my to-do lists short. If I can cross one or two things off my list in a weekend, I’m happy about that now.

What would your pre-mom self be surprised to know about motherhood? Before I had Andrew, I thought all babies were the same. They all cried, smelled, & looked the same. But as a new mom, I’m amazed how Andrew really is different; he’s mine! I could look at 100 3-month old babies and know which one is Andrew. His cry is so much sweeter than any other baby’s cry. And I actually enjoy the way his poop & spit up smell!

Which chore is your least favorite? Awful to admit, but right now with a new baby that has so many needs- it's taking care of the dog!! Our poor dog! I loved his company so much before the baby was born. Now that I have Andrew, I’m so easily annoyed when Regi has to go to the bathroom, or needs more water, or wants to go on a walk. I promised my husband I’ll love the dog again…. Someday.

What keeps you up at night? Andrew. LOL! But really, being a working Mom. As I write this, I have only been back to work for 5 days, after spending 12 weeks non-stop with Andrew. In the weeks leading up to going back to work, I was having nightmares about whether or not I would be able to pump enough milk, or when I was pumping it started to come out in different colors.

Now that I am at work, I worry that Andrew won’t remember who I am. I get disappointed when I pick him up at day care and he doesn’t hold out his arms and cheer “Mommy!!” when I walk in the door...But, I keep reminding myself that he’s only 3 months old (and if he was talking at 3 months, then I’d have a genius baby;). And I know that being at work is the best thing for all 3 of us (me, my husband, and Andrew). I have a job that is low stress and keeps me busy, happy, and engaged. And day care will be the same way for Andrew… keeping him busy, happy, and engaged.

What do you feel like you are really good at as a mom? Patience, specifically when we first brought him home 3 months ago. Andrew’s only communication is crying (and recently now smiling!). Pre-Mom, I love my sleep and I love my routine. However, at 1am, then 3am, then 5am… I’m impressed that I was not annoyed Andrew was waking me up or crying about something I don’t know. I actually loved the satisfaction of holding him screaming, and somehow calming him down to a peaceful baby.

In the labor classes, they advised us if we ever get frustrated, just put the baby in a safe place, stand outside and take in silent deep breaths. In those first sleepless nights at home, I was grateful for my patience, that I never got frustrated. I loved him so much I never wanted to leave him, I just wanted to hold him and figure out a way to help him stop crying.

What do you feel like you wish you were better at being a mom? Creativity. But I surround myself with amazing friends like Tab (Studer), and also my husband. For example, Matt is really good at making up songs. When we give Andrew a bath, Matt will make up a song like… “scrub a dub dub, Andrew in the tub. Bubbles on your feet, bubbles on the street, steam in your hair, clean everywhere! Scrub your hand, make you a clean little man…” My song is “bath bath bath, bath bath bath…” to the tune of “Jingle Bells”!

Who are the moms you look up to? At this point 3 months into mommyhood, every single mother who “survived” the first month of the first baby!

But really, I admire my own mother who taught me things I am subliminally remembering.  My husband’s mother who taught him to be an amazing father.  My best girlfriends who made themselves available any time of day or night when I needed to talk, and my working-mom girlfriends who give me tricks and encouragement to go back to work and call day care as often as I need to!

Baby Allison and her own Mom

What was the most difficult Mom moment you've had (so far)? I’m still having a difficult time… trying to get my life into a routine, finding a way to keep up some of my pre-parenthood life, all while figuring out a way to include Andrew in all the fun.

There are many times in these first 3 months that I have felt trapped in my own home. My life revolves around Andrew’s 3 hour schedule: eat, play, sleep, eat, play, sleep. I expected the dirty diapers and sleepless nights, but this has been the most difficult adjustment that I wasn't prepared for.

My husband and I dated for about 8 years before we got married, and were married for 2 years before having our first baby. So, we are both struggling with having the social life we used to have in our 20s, but now including Andrew. (We are missed the destination wedding for close friends of ours in July, because I truly want to be home with Andrew, I don’t want to leave him. But in previous years, we wouldn't think twice about being at every single wedding.)

I have to say, though, I LOVE our little family. And I LOVE the changes that Andrew brings to our lives. Going back to work has helped with the adjustment into a new routine, and I know it will get easier as Andrew gets older.

How do you unwind or re-charge? I need to figure this out again (*see previous question!)

What do you miss most from Mom days already gone by? I miss being pregnant (although when I was pregnant, I just wanted to meet the little guy!). I loved the unknown of what he was going to look like, when would he make his appearance; I loved feeling him move around in my belly. I loved the attention from friends and strangers. I also loved my long, strong hair & nails (now that my hair is falling out in clumps and my nails are breaking!)

What are the small joys of being a Mom that you treasure most right now? Andrew changes every day! He has a new smile, or a new baby noise, even a new cry! He makes me THE HAPPIEST I have ever been! Even when he wakes up at 2 am, and I zombie-walk to his nursery…when I bend over to pick him up out of his crib and he smiles so so big, it melts my heart.

I also love nursing him. It’s intimate, one-on-one time that I love having with him. When I’m aching with so much milk, and he’s hungry to nurse, it makes both of us feel better and I love that mutual satisfaction we both have from each other.