The Mom Next Door Series: Katie F

Kate is not only one of my best friends since freshman year of college, but in our current world, she holds an even higher title than that in my life; she is the Mom of my kids' best friends.  This is a pretty lofty role as I know my kids will learn, be influenced, and grow through their friendships throughout their lives.  Surely, they will grow to make other friends with other parents who will also make an impact on them, but I am eternally grateful that they have had Kate and  her family in their lives since birth.  That my kids not only have friends that are being raised by a mother that I respect, love, and admire - but also that they have another Mom that they feel comfortable and safe to be themselves around.

Please take a minute or two this morning to read more about my best friend, and a Mom Next Door: Kate.

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Who are you?  I am Katie Fiore, a 31 year old Mother who lives in Altoona, PA

Who is in your family?  My husband Michael, our daughter Sophie (4years), and our son Charlie (2years).

What do you do for work?   Most days I stay home with my kids, but I do have a part time job as a Behavior Specialist (8-10 hrs a week) which gives me the chance to both get out of the house occasionally and continue working with kids (I was a full time teacher before I had my daughter).

Which chore is your least favorite?  I hate doing laundry! Mainly because it's folding and putting away clothes for four people. No, wait - even worse is ironing!

What has become (at least for now) your parenting mantra or guiding principle?  I remind myself everyday that they aren't going to be small forever; that I have to appreciate every moment of them needing me, even if it drives me crazy! I try everyday to live in the moment (which is incredibly hard for me) but there are moments of the day, when they are both sitting on my lap reading or we are playing a silly game on the floor where I just breath them in. One of my favorite moments of the day is just before I go to bed and sneak into their rooms and watch them sleep. It blows me away that they sleep so peacefully after being crazy all day, but most of all that they are mine.

What would your pre-mom self be surprised to know about motherhood?  That it completely changes your outlook on life. I never knew it was possible to love someone as much as I love my children and they are never not in my thoughts. Even going out with my husband on a date to get a break isn't really a break, because I am constantly thinking of them.

What would your pre-mom self be proud to know about you in motherhood?  That, although motherhood has changed almost everything about my life, it hasn't changed who I am, what I love to do, or my relationship with my husband.

What was the most difficult Mom moment you've had (so far)?  After a complicated pregnancy with my son, he was born healthy (thank God!) but after bringing him home he had to be taken by ambulance to intensive care because of extreme jaundice. It was the scariest time of my life. I didn't know if he was going to be ok and I couldn't hold him or breast feed him because he had to stay under lights. I had a nurse tell me when he wouldn't stop crying that there was nothing I could do; it was heartbreaking!

After a few days, Charlie got healthier and I spoke with his doctor. I asked him if there were going to be any long term side effects of this and he told us to, "just watch his development to make sure he's on track." Needless to say that is all I worried about for the next year and a half. I am just now starting to relax. Seeing Charlie talk and grow is an amazing relief!

What keeps you up at night?  Worrying about something bad happening to them, everything seems so perfect so I'm waiting for something to go wrong...I know it's a completely pessimistic way to look at things but I can't help it.  So I just pray every night that things continue to be as wonderful as they are.

What big projects, worries, or events have you busy right now?  Trying to find exciting camps/activities for Soph to do this summer, she loves learning and meeting new people so I want to encourage it as much as I can!

How do you unwind ore re-charge?  I love to run. It's the one thing I do for myself just about everyday. If I don't get some sort of exercise I feel a little crazy. My mom would say to me when I was younger if I was sad or grumpy or bored to go for a run. It always worked; it's my cure for everything!

What do you feel like you are really good at as a mom?  I think I am really funny - at least my kids make me feel like I am! I'm also good at expressing my emotions to them whether it be to say "I love you more than ice cream and rainbows" or "Mommy is really frustrated right now".   As a behavior specialist and former teacher I realize the importance of being able to identify how you are feeling and communicate it. A child isn't going to listen to you, learn, or grow if they can't express themselves.

What do you feel like you wish you were better at being a mom?   I wish I could sit for hours and play with my kids, but I'm too antsy! I play princess for 5 minutes and think of something I wanted to do around the house! I also need to stop looking at my phone so much around them and just give them all my attention without any distractions.

What is the one "Mom Tip or Trick" that you can share that has made your life easier somehow?  My mother-in-law taught me the importance of a good sleep schedule. I think a consistent sleep schedule for babies leads to healthier and happier families for years to follow.  I hear moms talk about sleep with such frustration and I want to just carry around copies of "Baby Wise" to give them because it really did save my life as a new Mom! 

What do you miss most from Mom days already gone by?  Holding a sleeping infant and breast feeding. I'm lucky to have friends that are still having children so I can hold and love their babies. Actually, while visiting one of my best friends and her new baby we talked about the amazing smells of infants. Even their poop smells good!

What are the small joys of being a Mom that you treasure most right now?  I feel like I am the most important person in their lives. I am who they want when they cry and who they want to make them laugh. It's amazing to be so wanted and needed.  I love the moments in the day where I look at them, smell them, and hug them and just feel overwhelming joy. I told Sophie the other day that it made me feel like my heart was going to burst. She liked that.

We are really bad at personal space

While in grad school for teaching, I participated in a ice breaker activity in which we were paired up and asked to talk about personal space; our own experience with it growing up and how we experience it as adults.  I remember thinking it was something I hadn't really ever thought about as contributing to the way I experience life - but while speaking to my partner, we giggled about how our childhoods differed in the experience of personal space - hers included clear boundaries while mine...not so much.  

Growing up, my family and I were very lax about personal space.  We shared couches, fell asleep on top of each other in the backseat of the car, shared stole each other's clothes and shoes, and walked in and out of bathrooms while someone else was using it.  My family is notorious for announcing half apologetically when parting ways with someone we only met for the first time; "We're huggers," before scooping them up in our open arms for an (sometimes awkward, sometimes totally grateful) embrace.  It is not uncommon to see our family (to this day), holding hands, eating from each other's plates, or sitting tangled among each other's limbs on the couch.  

Compounded with my upbringing, Brandon and I started dating in the zero-personal-boundaries era of the teenage years followed by six years long distance which helped cement our feelings that personal space is totally overrated.  We sleep just as comfortably together in a king size bed as we do in a twin or on a couch.  One of Gigi's favorite stories about me goes something along the lines of knowing it would never be a dull life when her future daughter in law makes herself comfortable right next to her in bed watching tv.

And now with small kids - personal space is precariously near extinction in our house.  Books are read with kids on laps, movies are watched while we all share a couch, our 90 lb. pitlabs believe they are lapdogs, and in the morning it is not unusual for our bed to hold all four humans and at least one dog who have all mysteriously gravitated to us at some point in the early morning.

Our kids are 'huggers' now too, offering hello and goodbye hugs to whoever is present at the time.  They play within a radius of only a foot or two between each other regularly.  Their punishment for arguing is separation from each other or us; basically the worst thing ever at our house.

They like to play rough; ninja fighting and chase/tackle - but also gently; mumma/daddy and baby, or owner/pet; either way very near each other.  We all sit, lay, and relax close together.  We have our own hashtag on instagram (#bigolesnugs )  as it's such a normal thing in our life to be all snuggled up together.

Because 'hold you' is the most used phrase in our house and our kids get into legit arguments over who gets to lay with us first - we've gone so far as creating words for the spaces that someone can lay around us on the couch!  Most people know about The Spoon (laying in front of someone), but we also have other options for sharing couch space:  The Ditch (squeezed in the space behind someone and slightly on top of the person), The Nest (sitting or reclined in the space created by bent knees), and The Garage (the open space below a person's feet).  The Spoon is the most coveted spot, but the others provide decent consolations when the Spoon is already occupied.

photo credit:  Greyson 4yrs.

Because we are incredibly deficient as parents in being examples of owning personal boundaries - we make a conscious effort in attempting to bring awareness to spatial boundaries and we try our best to help our kids learn about the importance of personal space for others - even though we don't practice it within our own family.

We talk about some of the following to help bring awareness to our kids about personal boundaries and space:

• Recognizing when we need our own space (when we feel too hot or when we feel angry) and using the words, "I need my space right now" when we feel like this
• Watching our friends and other people for cues on how they want to say hello or goodbye.  Talking about other ways to say hello or goodbye besides hugging:  high fives, thumbs up, etc.
• Practicing consent while playing:  stopping what we are doing when a playmate cries, says 'no,' or says "I don't like this."  
• Using our words to tell someone when we feel uncomfortable, "I don't like that," "that is too rough," or "please don't tease me." 
• Practicing saying, "No, thank you" if we don't want to hug someone else

As poor examples of personal space ourselves, we want to make sure to be taking steps to help our kids recognize other people's need for personal space and how important it is to be aware of it and respect it.  We recognize and want to help our kids be aware of when they make someone else feel uncomfortable by being overly affectionate.  

Even more so, we know it's an important lesson to start teaching early, as they are only young now, so as to make sure that as they get older, bigger, more grown-up in appearance - that they are familiar that personal boundaries are something to respect of others and important to create for themselves.  

Surely as they grow up, they'll pull away from us in various ways - both emotionally and physically - but until then, we'll be all snuggled up on one couch together breathing each other's air.  What can we say - we're huggers.

Does family share the same physical space too?  Or do you create and respect each other's personal space in ways in various ways?   

The Mom Next Door Series: Cara E.

Today's Mom Next Door is from a momma who is near and dear to my heart.  So near and dear in fact, she's in the family.  This week, my cousin Cara is sharing a little about her life as a new-ish mom navigating not only the world of motherhood but also another country as she and her family recently relocated to Germany on military orders.

Cara is my husband's first cousin and I have known her since she was probably 11 or 12 years old.  I've watched her grow into a teenager, adult, and now a momma.  She has always been full of life, spirit, and beauty - but never more so as she is as a Mom.

Lainey is so lucky to have her as a Mum and I feel lucky to have her voice included in this series.  Please read on to learn more about Cara and her reflections on becoming a Mom.
 
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Who are you? My name is Cara Edmonds, (previously a Studer!) I was born and raised in rural Pennsylvania. After joining the military, I was stationed in Tacoma, Washington for three years where my husband and I met. We just recently moved to Germany on military orders!

Who is in your family?  Myself, my husband Bruce, and our 7 month old daughter Lainey live on a military base in Baumholder, Germany. I also have a 5 year old stepdaughter, Larissa. She lives with her mother here in Germany.  And we just got a brand new addition to our family, a beautiful Bengal kitten named Neeko.

What do you do for work?  I was active duty military for 3 years. Upon my pregnancy we decided as a family it was best for me to accept an honorable discharge so I could be a full time Mommy to our Lainey girl. I plan on using my benefits to get back in school full time this fall. Very exciting and nerve racking.

What would your pre-mom self be surprised to know about motherhood? The amazingness of it all.  How much this tiny little human would make me love, endlessly. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking how deep this love goes. How on October 29th, 2013 at 1:19 AM, my life would forever be changed.  Everything now has new meaning, purpose, and appreciation.

What was the most difficult Mom moment you've had (so far)?  The first two weeks of Lainey’s life. We found out at 20 weeks pregnancy that she had a birth defect called Gastroschisis. This meant that her abdominal wall didn't properly close, and her intestines were on the outside of her body through an opening next to the umbilical cord. I had to go for weekly ultrasounds the rest of the pregnancy.   Every gastroschisis is unique, so they told me that they have no idea of the severity of the situation until she would be born. I was induced so the whole team needed for our girl afterwards were waiting. Just moments after being born my angel needed an operation. They were able to put everything back inside her and where it should be right then. I was able to go see her about 3 hours after she was born.

She spent the next 2 weeks in the NICU. We were so blessed, for her speedy recovery, and her ability to begin eating and digesting without issues. It was so hard to leave her in the NICU to go home each night without her. I wanted to be present all the time; I feared she would wake up, and I wouldn't be there and imagined how scary that would be for her. I felt like I wasn't being her mother. At the time it was so frustrating, every poke of her foot to draw blood every four hours, would make me cry. But I knew that the nurses did more for her than I could given the situation.  With faith and prayers (and more faith and prayers!)  Our Lainey won! God bless her surgeon and all her amazing nurses. I could never show them all my gratitude.

How do you unwind ore re-charge? Unwinding is the best. TV and Me = meant to be!! I have many silly little shows I get so excited for, that its probably a little ridiculous (lol). To name a few Face Off, Project Runway, Hell’s Kitchen, Cutthroat Kitchen. & Jimmy Fallon. Everyone needs some Jimmy Fallon. To recharge I like to drink coffee with Girl Scout Samoa creamer in the morning sun!

Who are the moms you look up to? There are two mothers that jump out at this question. My mother and my sister Tausha. I speak of both of them when I say their love is endless. They are both Christian women who raise their children with Christian values. They are so hardworking and make -what would be impossible to someone else- possible. They never give up. They are hands down the strongest women and mothers I know. True role models of the woman and mom I hope to one day be!

stay connected despite distance.  Cara's Mom, Dad, Sister, Niece, and Grandmother talking via technology

What do you feel like you wish you were better at being a mom? I feel some guilt for not following through with breastfeeding. With Lainey being in the NICU I was able to pump and store a lot, but being busy; my supply ran down. Also, I would feel so frustrated when she’s screaming and crying of hunger, and just giving her a bottle made her happy, and in return make me happy too. I guess in the end, it really isn't for everyone. If bottle feeding my child can help me to enjoy her more, then so be it! Plus she got the good stuff for the first few weeks!

What do you feel like you are really good at as a mom? I feel I am very patient and compassionate as a mother. And its crazy because patience was one of my biggest fears of motherhood. My patience has run very thin the older I get (this is normal right? Haha!) but with Lainey it’s a whole different story. I love to snuggle my sometimes irrationally cranky sweet angel!