One of those weeks...

It has just been one of those parenting weeks over here.  In exasperated sobs last night I recounted all of the ways in which I feel like I've failed this week as a Mum to B.  Each day, at least one child has had what we call over here "A Hard Day:" the kind of day that is just ceaseless whining and unhappiness, no matter what happens.

One of the kids' favorite read alouds is My No No No Day by Rebecca Patterson because it so honestly recounts what a 'Hard Day' looks like.  We love at the end the poor Mom (who looks so exhausted as soon early as breakfast) explains to Bella that everyone gets hard days sometimes but perhaps tomorrow she'll be more cheerful.  Spoiler alert:  tomorrow she is!

The thing is, this week, when one child has a more cheerful tomorrow, the other is having a 'Hard Day.'  Yesterday was this poor, exhausted (23 week pregnant!) Mum's tipping point.  We were on our way to the playground when a battle of epic screaming erupted in the backseat that Gem wanted her window down and Grey wanted all the windows up.  We talk a lot about compromises so Gem and I got to keep our windows down (as it was 80 degrees outside) and Grey would get Daddy's jacket to cover up with.  Oh Hell No.  That was just not going to fly with my normally very sweet, mature for his age, blessed son.

As he furiously belt out scream after scream of "Gemmi's window up!" I pulled over to the side of the road and told him I would wait to go to the playground until he calmed down.  Calm down, he did not.  And after about five minutes of honestly contemplating what kind of crap mother has a child who endlessly screams about something so ridiculous, I broke.  We TURNED AROUND AND WENT HOME.  I was not having that shit, my friends.

Grey screamed more and louder upon realizing we were no longer going to the playground while Gem asked confused, 'playground, mumma?'  I got them both in the house, Grey threw himself on the floor in a total tantrum in the dining room while I held Gem and told her she was being such a good girl and that maybe we could go to the playground later after we all try our best.

Gem got the ipad and I took Grey up to his bed and laid down beside him and rubbed his back while he continued to scream, and then cry, and then whine, and then looked up and said, "Happy now."

This did not make me feel better.  As we continued our day post meltdown at 10:30am - a WHOLE DAY LEFT TO GO (!) my mind wheeled with possible reasons of why my kids were having such hard days this week.

that's peanut butter all over them.

Why I was such a poor excuse for a mother, apparently, as my kids were having so much trouble behaving like anything other than rabid, feral animals.

Maybe I'm too lenient?
Maybe I'm too harsh?

Maybe I don't play enough with them?
Maybe they don't play enough independently?

Maybe I'm yelling too much?
Maybe they need to be more afraid of me; yell more!  louder!?

Maybe I'm not meeting their needs for attention?  love?  holding them?  alone time?
Maybe I'm not taking good enough care of myself and I'm overly tired?  stressed?

Maybe they need more stimulation; toys?  trips out of the house?
Maybe they are too spoiled and expect to just get everything.  Go outside & play in the dirt like I did, children?!

When recounting all of this to Brandon he responded, "You're a great Mom.  Why can't you just chalk it up to a shit week instead of second guessing everything you do?"

Well, wouldn't that be a concept...but tis not the ways of Mommas, amirite?

I read an article yesterday too that contributed to my mom guilt spiral of despair about a woman who left her child in the car to run into the store for 5 minutes.  I read it first because I related, I've done that; left my kids in the car to run into the post office or the local deli for milk.  I know that it's wrong (even though I myself was left in the car many times, once even my sister and I put the car in reverse and we drifted down the parking lot a ways until popping it back into park; trying to pretend like the car hadn't moved at all when our Mom came out and gave us a good talking to - sorry Mum!  Kayla did it!), but I've still left them in the car because of a trillion contributing factors of the day that led up to that moment.  Just like every single bad or great decision I make as a Mum, it comes down to assessing the risk/benefit and deciding how to get our entire family through any one thing as best as possible at any given time.

The thing that struck a nerve about this article was not that she made an bad impulse choice as a mom in the heat of the moment...but because a bystander videotaped the scene from the parking lot. If the bystander thought the child was in danger - you'd think they would have spoken to the mom, certainly embarrassed her and everyone's day would have moved on.  But the bystander called the police.  long story short, the mom was arrested, taken to court for endangering a minor and received 100 hours of community service and parenting classes.  She was told to confess that she had a "lapse in judgement" and it was 'not worth losing her kid over' to fight it.

'A lapse in judgement' basically describes most of my entire day parenting two little humans:  my kids play outside by themselves, they buzz each other's hair with clippers unsupervised, and sit on countertops regularly.  I'm just trying to do my best and figure it out over here - as I imagine most moms are.  I understand that people want children to be safe, but shouldn't the first response be to speak to the adult?  I'm pretty sure that no one is constantly beating themselves up about every single parenting choices more than Mom.  Socially shaming on facebook or involving the legal system seem like the least effective ways to help Moms make better choices.

So I spent part of the day yesterday also stressing about the fact that not only do I have to worry about things like natural disasters, car accidents, disease, bullies, and strangers that want to kidnap or harm my children - I now need to add to the list, "good Samaritans' who call the cops on me behind my back for what they deem poor parenting choices that could potentially land me in jail or lose my kids.

--sorry if this sounds like a rant.  It's not.  It's more like a 'why do we do this to each other' question out into the world of parents.  why can't we try to support each other instead of making parenting a full contact competition?

If you want to help kids, here are some great sites that can help you do that today:
Feeding America
Adopt US Kids
Starbright Foundation
Children of Fallen Soldiers
Boys & Girls Club of America
Save the Children/Syria
Nothing But Nets
Global Giving - The Girl Effect

Anyway, the good news is that today appears to have at least started better.  Kids are already outside, attempting to entice bunnies with carrots tied to string and we have a playdate with our best friends this afternoon, followed by dinner & a meeting with The Hunting Daddies crew.  Plus, this weekend is our annual Grandmas & Kids to NYC trip.  I mean, we really only have up to go from here, right?

The Mom Next Door Interview Series: Teri

For the very first interview in The Mom Next Door Series, it seemed obvious that it should be an interview with my own Mom.  Now that I'm a Mum, I see my own mother through a new perspective; daily reminding myself in moments of the sheer frustration and deepest joy of parenthood that many years ago, it was my mother who did this exact thing for me.  And despite that, because I am still her daughter; there lingers a tinge of indignation;  part of me that doesn't see her as just another Mom ("just like me"), but rather "My Mom" said with all the bravado and exasperation of my 13 year old self.

Reading my Mom's interview has given me a greater insight into the Mom she is (and always has been) to my sisters and I.  Like looking at her with the fresh eyes of a stranger rather than someone who has known her my whole life.

I always say that this blog is the way that I ensure that if (God forbid) something would ever happen to me, my kids would have my posts to read and get to know who their mother was; what she cared about, how she felt, and what mattered to her.  I am honored today to also include a bit of my own mother here now as well, forever.

-------------------------------------------------

Who are you?  I am a 53 year old woman/wife/daughter/Mother/Grandmother named Teri ('Mum' to my daughters or 'Abba' to my grandkids). I live in Mineral Point, PA.  I am married to a 95% perfect man (seriously!) and we are the proud parents of three absolutely beautiful daughters and two 'never-cease-to-amaze-me' grandchildren.  We have a pet cat named Muchka (Serbian for 'cat'), and two goldfish named Mitch and Hasslehoff. 

My husband and I with our grandkids at the county fair last year

What do you do for work?  At the moment, I am not on a specific payroll, but I am grateful to be able to dedicate more of my life to taking care of people - which I have always tried to do within the limitations of working all my life and parenting.  I currently care for my 84 year old Father, my 90 year old neighbor, my 2 grand babies (when needed).  I volunteer at the local hospital one day a week and run errands for a family friend in need.  My schedule allows me to assist my daughters with whatever help they need, and reaching out to help anyone else who needs some sort of assistance.  It is a full plate at the moment but in reality, I would not change a thing.

What would your pre-mom self be surprised to know about motherhood?  No matter the books that you read, or advice that you are given, no one can really tell you how it feels to be a Mother until you are blessed to assume that role.  It is one of no greater title.  You are the keeper of a tiny person(s) that you gave birth to and your entire life will be spent making sure that person feels the love that you have for them.  Your choices and decisions may not go as planned, and your days will seem never ending because of the overwhelming feeling of fatigue.  Sometimes you feel like there is so much to do and everyone wants something from you.  You are not a 'you' anymore; you are the Mother with all of the responsibility that comes attached.  

At times it feels like an eternity of changing, grabbing, packing, hauling, unloading, washing, picking up, sweeping up, wiping tears, fixing boo boos, and constant worrying regarding their safety.  Unbeknownst to you at the time, your children are growing and all of this so called chaos is slowly fading away right before your blinking eyes.  You just don't know it yet because your days are so full of busy, caring love.

circa 1988

When I was pregnant with my first daughter, Tabitha, I worried if I knew how to be a Mother - let alone a good one!  I was frightened and excited and nervous and anxious all at the same time.  I can honestly say that the most important feeling that I experienced when I finally got to meet our first daughter was that I couldn't believe that the Good Lord blessed my husband and myself with such a perfect little person.  I didn't understand where my overwhelming abundance of love for this child was coming from; so deep within my core.  I wondered who am I to deserve such a gift?  With thanks and gratitude, I wanted to make sure I would do the very best in my power to take care of my little girl with all the safety, nurturing, love, and support as humanly possible.  

In the years of 1985 and 1989, I was able to realize again the wonderful magic of child birthing upon receiving our middle daughter Kayla and then our baby girl Tasha, respectively. 

Dropping Tabitha off for her first year of college - 2001

What would your pre-mom self be proud to know about you in motherhood?  I grew up the youngest in my family.  My Mother was truly a Saint of a lady who had juggled her life around my two older brothers who were in the ''70's Experimental Era' and a husband (my Father) whose life revolved around alcohol and gambling.  My years growing up were mostly that of a long (sometimes frightening), confusing phase of childhood.  Although I loved my parents, I always felt that if I could just do a little bit more; our home life would somehow turn into a 'normal' life like all of the other kid's lives were.  

My Mother loved me from the bottom of her heart and praised me like there was no tomorrow.  She truly was the rock that never gave up on the pounding ocean that seemed at times wanting to just swallow her up.  

I realize that not all families are fortunate enough to have both parents but with ours, my husband and I were dedicated to working together as a team raising our daughters.  Growing up, I knew my relationship with my husband and our teamwork together would be an important role in creating as much as a 'normal' life as possible. We didn't always agree on each other decisions but we chose to stick together with those decisions and I really think that made all the difference during our daughter's upbringing.  We truly are so proud of the women that they have become and every now and again we pat our selves on the back with how we have raised them.

at my daughter Kayla's wedding this year

What do you feel like you are really good at as a mom?  I believe that listening and spending time with them was the most important thing that we were able to do for them.  My husband and I both realized that if our children weren't talking to us then they were talking to someone else who would perhaps not be giving them the correct information regarding life's lessons.  

We also enforced that there was nothing they could try to get away with that we hadn't already tried ourselves.  We spent countless hours playing outside, taking walks in the woods, and fixing up our yard.  We believe it built their character, taught them how to handle things, and work and play as a team. 

We wanted them to know the importance of small joys; for example that receiving a card or letter in the mail is important because someone had thought about them and made the effort to let them know.  Going out to eat at a restaurant was a treat and reward and not a normal way of life.  Gifts and presents were at a minimum when money was tight but it was the thought that always counted;  our girls learned that money didn't buy a happy family, our togetherness did. 

circa 1987

Who are the moms you look up to?  As a child, I was very close to one of my Grandmothers; Buba (grandmother in Serbian).  Her name was Minnie Uzelac and she was the mother of 14 children, my own mother included!  When she was a child of 8 years, her Mother passed away and she assumed the responsibility of taking care of her siblings along with tending to the family farm.  When she was 13 years of age, her father either sold her to my Jedo (Grandfather in Serbian) in exchange for horses or my Jedo won her hand of marriage from Buba's father in a card game- (not exactly sure which scenario took place).  At the time, my Jedo was 27 years old!  

Buba and Jedo worked very hard with providing for their children despite their lack of education and poverty status.  Their love and caring ways emanated from both of them and the amount of lessons that they have taught their children and their children's children (including myself) was undoubtedly priceless.  I spent many a day at their house watching and learning as it was my safe haven to escape my own family's disarray.

With all of Buba's teachings - as simple and as pure as they were - they completely grew in the core of my being.  I was truly amazed that a woman who was practically an uneducated child when she wed, managed to give birth and raise 14 of her own children with no help as we would have in today's world.  This lady who was able to teach all of her children to have respect for themselves, respect for others, how to work together as a unit and get life's jobs done.  Remarkable in every sense of the word.  I can remember when I was about 8 years old, my Buba told me to, "Be kind to your Mother.  She is the only Mother that you will ever have".  It wasn't until I was older that her advice would truly resonate within my soul though. 

Myself, Buba, and my Mother with baby Tabitha in 1983

What was one of the most difficult mom moments you've had (so far)?  My Buba passed away in the year of 1990.  It was with much sadness in my heart that I had to say goodbye to such an incredible role model.  I was so thankful that I was in her life for so long and that she was able to meet my three daughters. 

In the year 2010, my own Mother passed away.  It was a day I will never forget.  It is a feeling that over time may not be as potent, but it is none the less a feeling that still lingers within me every day.  A Mother's love is like no other but the love I had for my Mother was just as equal.  I miss her more than I ever thought humanly possible.  Not only am I truly grateful that she was able to be a part of my life but that she had the opportunity to be a part of my daughter's lives as well.  It was on this day, that my Buba's advice when I was only 8 years old finally became crystal clear.

My Mother and I

My Mother with my daughters and I at Tabitha's first baby shower in January 2010.

What is one mom tip/trick that has made your life easier?  I think what really matters in a child's life is the quality of time that you spend with them.  Being there calmly and intently without interruption; letting them know that right at that very minute, they are all that matters to you and you care enough to just 'be' with them. As their parent, it's important to know and learn the difference between quality and quantity.

Me and my girls

What do you miss most from mom days already gone by?  Looking back as a Mother, I can honestly say what I miss the most is the seeing my little girls run around the house playing with their dolls and toys, asking me to "hold you", seeing them excited to watch their favorite shows on TV, waking them up on Christmas morning and running to the Christmas Tree to make sure Santa didn't forget about them, listening to their stories after I would say, "Tell me everything and make me feel like I was there", wiping their tears, sharing in their laughter, and seeing them play outside in our yard whether it was 'kick the can' or trampoline football.  

The memories I hold dear in my heart are those times I just stopped my everyday chores just to observe them through a Mother's eyes.  I was so blessed to have had three little, precious girls.  How I miss hearing their innocent little voices and that wonderful sound of them just giggling their own way through life. 

on vacation in the Outer Banks, NC in 1999

What are the small joys of being a Mom that you treasure most right now?  No matter what the age, as a Mother, I will devote myself to my children as they are a part of me and what I have created along with the Good Lord's grace.  I didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as I love my daughters (along with their significant others too!)  They are truly my life - but in continuation of my own journey, my love has somehow found a new level;  my children started having children of their own.

My granddaughter, Gemma, and I before my daughter Kayla's wedding.
Photo credit:  Shell Bailey

The Game of Outlast

After four years of being a Mum, I have come to the understanding that so much of my day with children under the age of five, is actually just a never-ending game of Outlast (not the video game kind which I didn't know existed until this morning), but actually the definition of the word Outlast; to last longer.

Outlast generally consists of children wanting to do something and parents knowing that a) the kids are trying to postpone the necessary (nap, teeth brushing, etc) b)it will cause an enormous mess that is simply not worth the trade-off or c) something that is potentially dangerous, harmful, or inappropriate for the setting

Outlast strategies for parents include; creating distractions, resetting the day, and standing firm in your decisions once made.  For example, when it's clearly time for a nap for an overly tired toddler.

A few weeks ago, Gem was obviously exhausted but absolutely had no interest in laying down for her nap.  In her room, she screamed and pushed against me with her defiant little fists while I gently swayed side to side and hummed to try to soothe her.  All the while my mind was scrambling for some footing, "No matter if your sweet, angel of a two year old is screaming directly into your ear; you can last longer.  Hang in there, you're 30 years old for goodness sakes - you're an adult, you've done more difficult things than this - get it together!"

Ever so slowly, the screaming turned to yelling to whining to silence as she laid her precious head on my shoulder and attempted to meekly fight off the sleep.  Oh sweet, sweet victory.  The Triumph of Outlast!

My children have seemingly caught on, however, that my abilities at the game of Outlast are markedly less impressive come 5:00pm.  Cleaning up endless messes, never going to the bathroom alone, watching the same superhero move thirty-six times in a row, and refilling spilled cups of water; all take their toll on my skills of keeping it together.

Outlast strategies for children include; persistent whining, repeating the same question or phrase over and over again ("Can we go in that doghouse display at PetCo"), making excuses to distract parents (ie. "I want different jammies on," "My legs are too tired to pick up that huge mess I just made", etc)

Right before dinnertime, this scenario is much more likely,

kids:  mum, we want to take off all the couch cushions
me:  not right now, guys, we are getting ready to eat
kids:  but we want to play ninja fighting
me:  i said not now, it's almost time for dinner
kids:  muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm, puhleaseeeeeeee
me:  just come sit in here for two minutes, let's have a talk; dinner is about to be done

This is the moment in need of Outlast strategy, alas Mumma just doesn't have the energy
--while kids catch a glimpse of my precarious nature--

kids:  but we're ninjas.  And we need the couch cushions off
me (clearly exasperated):  Greyson and Gemma, please.  two minutes.
kids: *whispering* let's just go take them off... woohoo! (as they happily leap across the room from one couch cushion to the next)

Defeat.

Using up so much energy at this game of Outlast for the duration of the day is why, when my husband walks in the door from work and asks, "how was the day, mumma?"  my usual response is to barely manage an exasperated, "Can I  please just be quiet for a few minutes.  I love you, but I need silence for like 5 minutes."

He was off on Friday and while at the kitchen table when the kids were showing off some serious stellar talent at Outlast over the astonishingly annoying and loud version of 'who was going to sit on which side of the bench for lunch,' he looked at me with a disbelieving expression.  I just gave him a knowing look and responded, "Yea...All Day."

I have found there are a few small pick-me-ups that I can offer myself to increase my stamina in the all-day game of Outlast.  Things like hiding chocolate in the fridge (top compartment behind the cream cheese) to sneak a sweet bite or a cup of hot tea in the mid-afternoon when my fuel is running low.

But usually, at the end of each day, the parents seem to win the game by only a slim margin.  The concern we have right now is we are not yet outnumbered, although those days are quickly coming to an end.  Will a shift in the team rosters affect our abilities to win at Outlast?  As they continue to grow; do their strategy skills get better, while ours gradually deplete from older age and fatigue?  How long does this game last?  Until the kids reach a certain age?  Until forever?

So much is unclear, I just have my eye on the prize for TODAY's game.  That's all I really can focus on, it's the lacing up my metaphorical running shoes and giving it all my talents today to get through this one game of outlast.

The bad news is that today's game already feels a little rigged in their favor -as we have already experienced a dumped out hamper of clean laundry (on purpose), what looks like rain on the way, and two kids who still didn't get nearly enough sleep last night.

Good luck, today in your own games of Outlast, friends.  Mondays aren't usually my best performance days...