The Game of Outlast

After four years of being a Mum, I have come to the understanding that so much of my day with children under the age of five, is actually just a never-ending game of Outlast (not the video game kind which I didn't know existed until this morning), but actually the definition of the word Outlast; to last longer.

Outlast generally consists of children wanting to do something and parents knowing that a) the kids are trying to postpone the necessary (nap, teeth brushing, etc) b)it will cause an enormous mess that is simply not worth the trade-off or c) something that is potentially dangerous, harmful, or inappropriate for the setting

Outlast strategies for parents include; creating distractions, resetting the day, and standing firm in your decisions once made.  For example, when it's clearly time for a nap for an overly tired toddler.

A few weeks ago, Gem was obviously exhausted but absolutely had no interest in laying down for her nap.  In her room, she screamed and pushed against me with her defiant little fists while I gently swayed side to side and hummed to try to soothe her.  All the while my mind was scrambling for some footing, "No matter if your sweet, angel of a two year old is screaming directly into your ear; you can last longer.  Hang in there, you're 30 years old for goodness sakes - you're an adult, you've done more difficult things than this - get it together!"

Ever so slowly, the screaming turned to yelling to whining to silence as she laid her precious head on my shoulder and attempted to meekly fight off the sleep.  Oh sweet, sweet victory.  The Triumph of Outlast!

My children have seemingly caught on, however, that my abilities at the game of Outlast are markedly less impressive come 5:00pm.  Cleaning up endless messes, never going to the bathroom alone, watching the same superhero move thirty-six times in a row, and refilling spilled cups of water; all take their toll on my skills of keeping it together.

Outlast strategies for children include; persistent whining, repeating the same question or phrase over and over again ("Can we go in that doghouse display at PetCo"), making excuses to distract parents (ie. "I want different jammies on," "My legs are too tired to pick up that huge mess I just made", etc)

Right before dinnertime, this scenario is much more likely,

kids:  mum, we want to take off all the couch cushions
me:  not right now, guys, we are getting ready to eat
kids:  but we want to play ninja fighting
me:  i said not now, it's almost time for dinner
kids:  muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm, puhleaseeeeeeee
me:  just come sit in here for two minutes, let's have a talk; dinner is about to be done

This is the moment in need of Outlast strategy, alas Mumma just doesn't have the energy
--while kids catch a glimpse of my precarious nature--

kids:  but we're ninjas.  And we need the couch cushions off
me (clearly exasperated):  Greyson and Gemma, please.  two minutes.
kids: *whispering* let's just go take them off... woohoo! (as they happily leap across the room from one couch cushion to the next)

Defeat.

Using up so much energy at this game of Outlast for the duration of the day is why, when my husband walks in the door from work and asks, "how was the day, mumma?"  my usual response is to barely manage an exasperated, "Can I  please just be quiet for a few minutes.  I love you, but I need silence for like 5 minutes."

He was off on Friday and while at the kitchen table when the kids were showing off some serious stellar talent at Outlast over the astonishingly annoying and loud version of 'who was going to sit on which side of the bench for lunch,' he looked at me with a disbelieving expression.  I just gave him a knowing look and responded, "Yea...All Day."

I have found there are a few small pick-me-ups that I can offer myself to increase my stamina in the all-day game of Outlast.  Things like hiding chocolate in the fridge (top compartment behind the cream cheese) to sneak a sweet bite or a cup of hot tea in the mid-afternoon when my fuel is running low.

But usually, at the end of each day, the parents seem to win the game by only a slim margin.  The concern we have right now is we are not yet outnumbered, although those days are quickly coming to an end.  Will a shift in the team rosters affect our abilities to win at Outlast?  As they continue to grow; do their strategy skills get better, while ours gradually deplete from older age and fatigue?  How long does this game last?  Until the kids reach a certain age?  Until forever?

So much is unclear, I just have my eye on the prize for TODAY's game.  That's all I really can focus on, it's the lacing up my metaphorical running shoes and giving it all my talents today to get through this one game of outlast.

The bad news is that today's game already feels a little rigged in their favor -as we have already experienced a dumped out hamper of clean laundry (on purpose), what looks like rain on the way, and two kids who still didn't get nearly enough sleep last night.

Good luck, today in your own games of Outlast, friends.  Mondays aren't usually my best performance days...

1 easy way to get both happier and more kind

This is what we like to call Karma Control over here at Team Studer.  It's when moments in the day pop up that we have a choice to make:  the honest one or the dishonest one.  Or the calm, pleasant one versus the hot tempered, angry one.  In these little instances, we try to keep control over our own karma by choosing the one that will make good things happen (or at least avoid bad things from happening).

As an example, we were out to dinner a few weeks ago with friends and were sat at the bar until we had a table open up.  When we were finally seated, it was obvious that the waitress assumed B had paid for his drink at the bar - when in fact he hadn't; he had just ordered it there.  When she came by to get our dinner order, Brandon told her to add his current drink to our bill too since he hadn't paid for it.  She was surprised by his honesty and thanked him.

The way we feel about it; sneaking a free drink just isn't worth the karma.  Why use up good karma on a free drink when there are much bigger and more important moments that a little good karma could go a much longer way.

So, regularly in life, we try to make the most kind or patient choice when presented with an opportunity for a reaction.  Like, when we're in the slowest possible checkout line at the grocery store we wait patiently and smile while we tell the apologizing cashier 'no problem.' We fight the temptation of road rage.  We leave good tips even if the waitress gets confused or the food takes forever to come out.  We say please, thank you, and hold doors for the people behind us.

We are constantly grateful for the kind people that we have surrounding us in our lives.  Our parents, families, and friends alike.  We have had (and continue to have) role models surrounding us that also make the choice of kindness in everyday situations.  And as mentioned in this article (an interview by Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) with Prof. Sonja Lyubomirsky); when we choose kindness or witness our family & friends choose kindness - we don't only feel better about being kind, but actually feel happier.  It's like a double dose of good:  being kind and feeling happier!

"We have found that almost any types of acts of kindness boost happiness...The recipients of kindness “paid the kind acts forward” and even acquaintances of the givers became happier and were inspired to act more generously themselves."

That's not to say we don't lose our temper (usually to those that are closest to us because isn't that the human way?  To be meanest to the ones you love most because you know they'll still be there after it all settles?  ps. i'm sorry & i love you to those of you that stand on the front lines- B, kids, parents, sisters).  And that's not to say we don't experience things that are bad, difficult, or challenging.  But we do try our best to approach all choices with the possibility of making  good things happen; even if it is not the easiest choice in the matter.

The truth is if you want good things to happen in your life; you have to make good things happen.  You have to choose to make the first ripple that will flow out with kindness far outside of your viewpoint.  Eventually, the kindness and goodness finds it's way back to you and you can choose to make more good things happen.

Good things happen
to those that work to make
Good things happen
to those that work to make
Good things happen
to those that work to make
Good things happen
to those that work to make
Good things happen
....again and again.

The Mom Next Door Series: Introduction

On Mother's Day at church this year, I stood up with all the other mums at mass that morning when the priest asked all mothers to stand for a blessing; as I have for the past four years.  And, also as I have for the past four years, my eyes welled up in the moment as I looked around me at the mixed assortment of mums we all were.  

There was me and my mother-in-law, separated in our pew by my father-in-law and my two kids; her two grandkids.  While her "kid" sat next to me as my husband.  There was a new mom swaying side to side holding her newborn.  An experienced mom flanked on either side by her teenage children.  Someone's mum who was no younger than 75 that was alone in her pew, but standing for the blessing all the same.  Young moms, older moms, friends of mine who are moms, mums I've admired growing up, moms I never knew; but all of us moms.  

The priest's prayer, I regretfully admit, was drowned out in my mind by the sudden urge to shout, "Wait.  Just stop a second,"  as I was deeply moved to just call all us moms in the center aisle for a giant group hug.  

I didn't announce that, but rather I stood there with my poor heart in a vice and tears in my eyes as I thought- we are all the same.  Haven't we all spent a sleepless night worrying about a sick child?  Haven't we all picked up a cup of coffee mid-morning only to realize it was already cold?  Haven't we all smiled at a child's first discovery of some tiny life experience we up until that moment forgot to appreciate?  Haven't we all berated ourselves that we could be better, that we need to try not to screw this thing up as much as possible?

It is not only on Mother's Day, but quite frequently in flashes of emotion that I also think too of the mothers of my life that have passed away.  My two grandmothers who passed before I officially became a mother, although my maternal grandmother was present for most of my first pregnancy.  It is now, as a mum, that I feel even more connected to my grandmothers, even though neither of them ever had the chance to meet my children or see what kind of mother I turned out to be.

And obviously, the very profound and startling realization that all new moms must feel after the birth of their first child towards their own mother.  My own written here.

I also recently read Cheryl Strayed's birth story and agree with Jill and Sara that this passage from the post sums up the basics of having a baby:

"Every time I had a contraction I thought, you have got to be f*cking kidding me! 

It seemed preposterous that this was the way birth got done. 

I felt solidly and profoundly connected to all the female mammals of the world. 

Not just the women who’d birthed, but the cats and the bears and the lemurs too."

And even with that deep realization that I experience every mother's day and the profound connectedness that I feel with all mother mammals in the world or in history (truly!), I still am plagued with moments of other-mom-judgement on a regular basis.  Even despite the fact that I daily scold my former pre-mom self for proclamations I so arrogantly vowed I would never do as a mother myself. 

And even though I have a deep respect for anyone that contributes love, learning, and support to any child in any capacity; I still carry my own versions of, "ugh, that's not how you should be doing that," issues towards other moms and their choices - usually without any insight to their own personal struggles or journeys.   

This is not something I admit proudly, I hope that much is obvious.  But it is something that I continually want to try to be better at.  And out of all of these reflections, I have decided to host an interview series on the blog this summer with Moms that are very different,  yet somehow (as all moms are) also inexplicably exactly like me - and maybe you'll find exactly different and yet somehow like you.  

Maybe getting a peek into their everyday lives, struggles, and total commonplace normalcy that we each experience - it will help me (and all of us) see that every mom we see from our own moms, to our sisters, to our friends, to the mom from the blogs we read, to the mom we pass in the grocery store is simply just a Mom Next Door.  Just like us, no matter how she chooses (or her current situation dictates) that her life and motherhood may be different from our own.  

Each Tuesday this summer, I hope to post a new interview from another Mom Next Door.  With questions ranging from 'What are the small joys you treasure each day as a Mum' to 'What keeps you up at night,' to 'What do you feel like you wish you did better as a Mum.'  

I have some Mums in mind that I'd love to interview because they inspire me - but I'd love to hear from all moms - old, young, experienced, or brand new mums.  Please reach out to me if you - or someone you know would like to be interviewed at studerteam.tabitha@gmail.com 

I can't wait to get this series started and hopefully get a weekly reminder that every mom is struggling and loving this very unique and somehow all very same journey.  Join me on Tuesdays this summer for the Mom Next Door Interview Series!