Modern Parenting and Screen Awareness

It has been mostly agreed upon that parenting today is more difficult than it was twenty or thirty years ago; than it was for our parents to raise us.  There's a whole list of reasons on why it is more difficult to be a parent nowadays, including parenting guidelines and tips, societal standards, and fear sensationalized by media. I mean, last night I spent forty-five minutes alone researching about whether or not our infant carseat has been recalled or if we could pass it on down to Studerbaby4.  I'm fairly certain my mother never once had to look into that sort of information.

Besides a whole lot of bombardment on incredibly varying ideas of what 'good parenting' looks like (much of which is contradictory to each other), we also have one giant bonus of something that our parents didn't have to deal with:  Screens.

Screentime though, is 'a thing' now; a part of parenting that wasn't even on the radar of our parents.  Did you know that today, the average American kid (ages 6-11) spend about thirty hours a week looking at a TV or computer monitor!  What does it mean for the development of children (of adults!) when our experiences happen with the barrier of a screen?  Richard Louv, author of  The Last Child in the Woods, included this terrifying reflections:

"Primary experience is being replaced...by the secondary, vicarious, often distorted dual sensory (vision and sound only), one-way experience of television and other electronic media...many of us can go through an average day and not have more than a handshake.. Diminishing touch is only one by-product of the culture of technical control....it contributes to violence in an ever more tightly wired society." 

With today's horrifying headlines, this connection between technology and limited sensory experience is downright chilling.

Sure, I grew up watching television as much as the next kid, but even tv was different when I was growing up. And, truly that was all there was in terms of screens for a large majority of my childhood.  We got a home computer sometime while I was in high school and didn't get dial-up internet until my junior year of high school.  I didn't get my first cellphone until I was a sophomore in college.  Screens were not a strong presence in my childhood because it wasn't even a possibility.

Fast forward twenty some years, and our four year old daughter recently told me that she truthfully believed that we are "being watched' and that 'we're on people's phones, right?  Like on videos?"  And by the time she's a tween - what will she believe then?  It's no wonder that kids today are stressed about maintaining their social persona, they really DO have people 'watching' them on their phones through their social media profiles.  It makes me wonder what it does to their sense of self and their level of stress to believe (to know!) that they are always being watched?

I read a fascinating article from the NY Times about how face-to-face conversation is becoming a thing of the past.  Since reading this, I can't stop myself from noticing how many young people that I speak with seem to be holding back in conversations and I know understand that as the hesitation to expose themselves without the chance to self-edit:  a thing they are used to in almost all other conversations through texting, status posting, and filters.

I'm an adult woman who is pretty confident in my sense of self, and even I feel stress if I think something I've posted or shared has unintentionally hurt someone's feelings or rubbed someone the wrong way.  To think of what my high school social media profiles would have looked like literally makes me cringe.  I often wonder what kind of  person I may have turned out to be if I grew up today, under the microscope of social media, the constant opportunity to self-edit or make perfect before sharing, and digesting so many other people's creativity instead of having to use my own imagination.

Our kids are still very young (six and under) and so it still feels relatively manageable.  Don't get me wrong, it is a battle (an exhausting, never ending struggle) to combat the constant pressure of screens in our kids lives.  But they don't have cell phones, or their own tablets, or screens in their bedrooms yet - and so we still are the gatekeepers (and timekeepers) for a little while.

Like most moms, I feel a lot of pressure to do this thing right - this thing being raising our kids.  And it's hard to know in this age of so much information (too much) what exactly is the right thing to do, ever.  So we go at most parenting challenges with a goal of moderation and awareness.

To preserve our own sanity, we have found that it's been much easier to (attempt) to manage our kids' screen times with a flat set of 'Screen Free Zones.' There's no discussion or negotiations that are required (and exhausting) because these are the rules.  Our Screen Free Zones have helped to naturally curb our kids' time spent 'zombie'ing out' on screens for hours that we lose track of in the busyness of life.

• mealtimes:  this rule applies to our whole family.  we as parents put our phone away from the tables and ignore any notification pings or vibrates during all mealtimes.  We only have one television in the living room, so unless we all agree that it's a special dinner & a movie situation (like we ordered in pizza), then it's screen free meals around the kitchen table or outside 99% of the time for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
• kids' bedtimes: our kids are still young enough that they request as in their rooms as their falling asleep.  we know that too soon these requests will not be placed, so parenting advice be damned, we read books and snuggle and rub backs as the kids fall asleep.  the kids have no screens in their rooms and we (the parents) leave our phones outside of their bedrooms during our nighttime routines.
• car:  we go old school when it comes to car rides and refuse screens for the kids in car rides no matter how long.  our rationale is that they can look out the window and daydream (or manager their own boredom) just like we did when we were kids.  (hah).  And as parents, we try to be good role models for our kids by leaving our phones placed away while we drive because we know we have future drivers watching our every move (gulp).  So we never text or surf the web while in the car and keep phone calls to an absolute minimum while driving.    
• practices/games:  when we attend practices or games, we are there for a reason - most often to watch someone we know and love.  out of respect for them, screens are a no.
• family & friends events (parties, restaurants, holidays):  to be able to spend time with our friends and family is the gift - we don't need screens to distract or take away time that we are lucky to share with people we love.  Our policy is to 'be with the friends/family that are there.' 

Last year, we also put into place our family rule of no television on weekday mornings.  I didn't like the feeling of how letting the kids watch cartoons in the morning got our days started.  Now, instead of soaking in the creativity of others through television/movies - the kids start their day using their own imaginations to get started playing right away and it has naturally spread out through the rest of our days as the kids are less inclined to ask for screen when already involved in playing.

After this year's Screen Free Week, I'm also hoping to add to our regular family routine: screen free Wednesdays that would apply to both parents and kids.  A day where we intentionally look up and enjoy the life that's around us!

We want to preserve and pass on the same kind of childhood that we enjoyed to our own kids.  One that was full of free time and boredom and wonder and imagination.  One that is highlighted by relationships and memories with the people in our lives.  With this hope in mind, we try to move through each day with intentional steps.

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What is startling to me is that even though screens are a daily, constant part of all our lives, there isn't much research that has been done to understand what effects it has on any of us.  People are only starting to question, converse, and wonder about it.  If you're interested in reading/watching some thoughts that I've found helpful or inspiring, see the list below:

Books:
The Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv
The Winter of our Disconnect by Susan Maushart

TED Talks: 
Connected but Alone by Sherry Turkle
The Value of Boredom by Genevieve Bell

Articles:
A quick, easy, and simple way to reduce screen time from 1000 hours outside
The Flight from Conversation from Sherry Turkle

Instagram accounts:
Childhood Unplugged
Let the Kids

my sixth momiversary

I haven't ever been able to get past the birthday song for one of my babies without a lump in my throat and missing a few words as I try to choke back the urge to cry.  Their birthdays always feel like a moment of gratitude and pride and disbelief.  These babies of ours are impossibly growing, even when the days feel so long and exhausting...and yet, somehow there we all are again, huddled around our birthday kid singing while they beam with a wide smile above the candlelight.

But Greyson's birthday always has me the weepiest.  Simply because his birthday is also the anniversary of the day I became a mom.

One of my favorite bloggers Lindsay Mead once wrote that motherhood is 'the prism through which all of life is seen'.  I've reflected on this exact sentiment a million times, and I haven't been able to find a better way to describe how I feel about motherhood.

Since that day six years ago, when all the joy and love and worry and hope that comes with being a parent was revealed in that sudden and overwhelming moment when I looked into our son's eyes - motherhood has since been the lens through which the rest of every aspect of my life has been viewed.

It is natural for me to define myself by the roles I play in my life.  I am a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend - each of these vastly important to the ways that I make decisions or react to news and situations.  But being a mum, has by far blanketed every aspect of my life more so than any other role I hold.

My momiversary is like a silent celebration of all the ways I learned and grew and adapted since becoming a mum.

All those nights that I peeked on sleeping babies, the messy faces I've wiped, the sibling battles I broke up, the unfounded worries I wished away in the minutes before I fell asleep, the hugs and snugs and kisses and sniffs of tops of heads, of all the scheduling and errands and grocery lists and birthday plans and holiday wishlists, the emptying of pockets to find rocks and crayons and nail polish bottles, all the first sips of coffee, the stolen pieces of chocolate, the pounding on the bathroom door when I'm in the shower; all the noses blown, the teeth brushed and nails clipped and booboos kissed; the waking up early, the waking up in the middle of the night, the waking up when I didn't know I had just fallen asleep on the couch in the middle of the day, all the books I can read blindfolded because their words are burned into my memory.

It's giving pause to all those moments where the good of everyone else in our family took precedent over the good for me; as tends to be the way of moms.  Like one of my favorite momma quotes credited to Tenneva Jordan which says, "A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."

Although I now have six years experience as a Mum, the vast majority of my days are still spent wondering how much I might be screwing this all up.  The biggest lessons I have learned over the last six years though have been:  that patience actually is an incredible virtue, that I have been blessed with an amazing and supportive 'village' of whom I could not do this without, and that when push comes to shove - what my children need most from me is love.

I still have so much to learn, so many ways to be better and more patient and more kind (not only to this family of mine, but kinder to myself), so much life to enjoy and be frustrated by and to grow from.  And each year, as we sing and hug and celebrate our oldest boy's birthday, I also send out a kiss of gratitude for the opportunity to do this thing; to be these kids' mum.  A silent celebration in my heart for my momiversary.

Becoming a mum was like pulling the curtains back to reveal a window I didn't even know was in the room.  It flooded my whole space with new light, new perspective, and a view far into the future; a future that I'm not even permitted to go.  As our kids continue to grow, I see them venturing farther from my window view, and someday they'll make it all the way to the horizon.  They turn back to see me giving them a thumbs up and a smile; the windowpane fogging up as I whisper in hope that they'll 'do all the things we've practiced,' and 'I'm proud of you,' and 'I love you, my darlings.'

It has, is, and forever will be a privilege to have such a close seat next to this window that looks out on their lives.  Forever and ever, for all of my life, the fact that I am these kids' mum will always be the north star of my soul.

Twenty quick and practical tips for raising little kids

In my experience as a Mum over the last six years raising three kids (and working on growing our fourth kid), I have scoured the web, highlighted books, and interviewed my family, friends, and other moms about a variety of parenting topics.  The thing is there is no manual for raising kids and it's not because there is a lack of suggestions, but rather there is nothing that works for every kid and every family and every situation.  It's all just a guessing game (hah, sorry kids) until you find something that works for your kid, for your family, and for your specific situation.

Along the way though in my personal journey of mommahood, there have been tips and tricks that have been helpful to me to adopt - things I've heard from the moms I admire, or pinterest, or blogs I read.  I heard about the tip, I tried it, and miraculously it worked!

But sometimes, the trick has had to be adapted to suit us a little better but were definitely inspired by another momma's advice.  It didn't work exactly the same for us, but with a little tweak or by a little inspiration, it has become something that is ours.

And, well, sometimes the tips and tricks simply are born out of trial and error or one of those rare eureka (!) moments.

Today, I'm sharing twenty of my favorite quick and practical tips for raising little kids.  I'm being specific about the age of the kids, because that's where my experience so far has been contained.  These are the quick tricks I use to stay above the daily overwhelming blur that comes with loving and raising and managing a house of wild little ones.

1. a pizza cutter is an excellent tool for plating kids' breakfast foods quickly: pancakes and waffles

2. setting 'screen free zones' is an easy way to stay consistent and vigilant to screen time hours.  (our screen free zones are mornings, cars, and bedtime)

3. somehow kids whine less about eating the meal when it's divided up and put in weird little bowls bento-style, this works especially at lunchtime

4. having a 'hygiene day' (ours is Thursday) means that you at least know for sure the last time the kids' bodies and hair were washed and their nails were trimmed

5. an ice cream scoop is an excellent tool for quickly filling muffin and cupcake tins and filling it half way is a great way to put raw cookie dough to the pan for baking!

6. meal planning makes a difference in both the financial sense and the momma-emotional sense

7. the slow cooker is the best invention of all time

8.  a bath can usually turn cranky kids into cheerful kids

9. always pack pajamas in the diaper bag

10. sleep begets sleep in children ...it also seems to work the other way around: not sleeping begets more not sleeping

11. the kids will always find the 'circle' in your house, you can use this to your advantage.  babydoll strollers, cars and trucks, and when they get bigger in the winter, have them run 'laps' while you count them out. (our 'circle' is the hallway, past the kitchen, through the dining room, and back around through the foyer)

12. try baby.sign.language.  even if it's only a few words (we taught our kids: more,all done, play, bath, sleepy, hot, please, thank you, and sorry).

13. nothing cures bad moods like being outside

14. when you go to the park or playground, PACK SNACKS

15. as hard as it can be to swallow, sometimes the quiet and play it brings can justify the mess it makes

16. when a kid hurts another kid, this is the phrase we use:  "I'm sorry, how can I fix it?" and the hurt child can ask for a hug, high five, space to be alone, or a joke.

17. keep an extra toothbrush and toothpaste for the kids in a kitchen cupboard so they can brush after breakfast downstairs when you're running late

18. never underestimate the power of recalling memories with the kids, from when they were babies to even something that happened yesterday.  this is particularly helpful at mealtimes, riding in the car, or passing time in a waiting room.

19.  to learn to put on a coat independently when very young, have kids lay the jacket on the floor, stand above the hood, put their arms in the holes and flip it over their head

20.  when you are unsure of how to answer your kids' questions, a good place to start is by asking them, 'hm, what do you think?' their answer will provide a framework of what they already know and what is appropriate for their current thought processes.


Maybe the most important tip to remember is that even if something works a million times, some days there are no rules or tricks, some days it's just hard and the best thing to remember on those days is that bedtime will come and then you'll get to try again tomorrow.

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What are some of your tried and true tips and tricks as a momma?  Please share in the comments, or on your own blog.  We mommas need to stick together and share our best practices either to copy or to be inspired!  xxoxx

How we try to teach our kids about privilege

I was reading a great post from a friend about how, as a mom to biracial kids, she is struggling with maintaining the balance between protecting and preparing her young son about racism.  It is a beautifully written and honest post that I was grateful to read even though it contained information that in the raising of my own kids I don't directly need guidance on...

Because my kids come from the ideal genetic gene pool, at least by the current (and let's face it - historical) social constructs. They are on the path to sit at the most privileged social seats as they grow up and learn about their place in our world.  And yes, as their Mom I feel blessed and grateful to be able to basically avoid full categories of lessons that some Moms have to cover.  But that doesn't give me a free pass.  And it certainly does not ensure that my child will grow up to be a decent human being.

Ah, privilege...that word that drives people nuts (and by people, I mean mostly people who look and live like me).  For better understanding of my post, it might be helpful to know that we consider the word privilege to mean 'to have an advantage in society by traits that one is born into or traits that one earns by experiences that they have access to'.  We believe in intersectionality; that you can be privileged in some aspects and also not privileged in other areas.  That not all privilege holds the same weight in every situation.

Our kids are white, physically-abled, mentally-abled, living in a comfortable socio-economic bracket, not hungry, not homeless, 'acceptably' religious (a socially approved religion and not too much/not too little in practice), beautiful (in terms of face symmetry), and loved & supported by an over abundance of family and friends - many of whom also meet some or most of the aforementioned characteristics.

They are lots of other things too that can't be quantified on a census form - like how our kids are kind and polite and funny and clever and good at making up knock knock jokes, and athletic, and great listeners, and really good at digging up worms....but for the sake of this post, I'm not talking about all those things.

All of those non-application form characteristics are things that I have too...says their very privileged Momma.  Things that a stranger can't discern from me when they meet me for the first time.  Things like I have a degree in Spanish and a minor in Diversity Studies.  Or that I first traveled abroad at the age of 16 without family to volunteer in Central America, that I have safely and comfortably lived in Brooklyn, NY (pop: 2,504,700) and in Punxsutawney, PA (pop: 5,934), or that in my life at any one time I've:  had three jobs at once, played collegiate volleyball, been given free food because 'my eyes are beautiful,' knowingly trespassed on private property and was not punished, volunteered at a hospital for fun, been featured on our local news station as a 'Kid You Should Know,' owned my first car at the age of 24, and taught as an adjunct professor to grad students.

I have had a beautiful, wonderful life.  And it's been due to hard work, goal setting, a big imagination, and never giving up.  But it would be an enormous lie and injustice to pretend like those were the only reasons why.

My beautiful life has also been contributed to the fact that I am white, physically and mentally-abled, middle class, straight, socially good looking, and have had the encouragement and incredible support of people that love me. Because of all these things, I have had blessed opportunities to basically do whatever the hell I've wanted.  Literally.  The reason this is called privilege is because I don't have to think about the traits I was born into (race, disabilities, illness, sexual orientation, language, socio-economic status, etc) before doing almost anything.  Granted, there were things that were more difficult because money is not indispensable and there were moments that felt uncomfortable simply because I'm a woman - but they weren't inaccessible or dangerous.

Brandon and I were both raised by parents who expected us to use our abilities and natural leadership to make a positive impact on people around us.  We were not only pushed to do great things for ourselves (both of us are first generation college grads), but also that we had a responsibility to be role models; to give back, to stand up for things that are right and good, and lead by example. This expectation is so deeply ingrained in us that we classify it as fundamental to the people we try to be today.

I say all this not to brag, but to be transparent.  Our privilege is something that we try to keep in focus on a regular basis.  So that when we read news articles, listen to stories, or view images that we remain vigilant to keep our own privileged perspective in check before passing judgments.

We want to continually remind ourselves that for us - the world sure looks easy to fix and judge from our lofty seats up here on the social ladder.  That our limited experience in unfairness and discrimination heavily taints the world in a rose-colored hue.  And to use this focus as a reminder to seek out ways to become better informed and understanding of the injustices and issues in which we have been blessed to have very limited direct experience.

As parents now, Brandon and I are doing our best to raise our kids to recognize their privilege as a responsibility to (at the very least) awareness to it.  It is not a pass for entitlement or permitted ignorance.

Because our kids were born into a life they can, we want to raise kids who stand up for others who are unable to or restricted from standing up for themselves.

Because our kids were born into a life that they can, we want to raise kids who speak up for those who live in fear of speaking out or those who are unable to speak loud enough for the people in power to hear.

We want to raise kids who look across the way and recognize themselves in others; to understand that a single thing that separates us from each other does not eliminate all the things that make us the same.

That the privilege that they were born into does not grant them a camera that only takes pictures from the pretty side of life, but rather one that has access to a panoramic view that can see the disparities in the world.  That this full picture will create a passion in them to bring the light into view for those that can't see it, and awareness of the dark to those ignorant to it.


So, how do we attempt teach our kids about privilege and the responsibility that comes with it?

1. We openly talk about differences.  It is natural for kids to try to make sense of the world by observing differences in the people and places around them.  We don't shh them when they make observations or have questions about differences; we talk about them and sometimes are even the ones that bring up the observation in the first place.  We try to be open with our kids about differences on all topics (things they can see, hear, or worry about).  Even when it feels awkward or unfamiliar (especially then?) We do our best to present the facts and give them a chance to voice their own thoughts on things as well.

2. We try to create a diverse world within our home and direct community.  We try to diversify the people, sounds, and experiences that they have access to through their main points of  daily contact, especially in toys, books, and television/media.  We make an effort to have books and toys in our home that represent people of all colors, languages, disabilities, and backgrounds. We want the inside of our home and circle to look like the world, not a bubble.

We also celebrate and learn about holidays that are both included and not included in our own heritage; we learn about our own background and family tree and try to hold onto traditions that our ancestors celebrated.  We try to be proud and grateful that we are American mutts.

3. We keep a focus on gratitude and kindness.  We don't want our kids to feel guilty for the things that they have access to in life because of the things they received from birth - but we do want them to be aware of it and grateful.  We want our kids to be aware of their advantages by giving them opportunities to learn about and lend a helping hand to situations that we are blessed to not have experience in our own lives.  We also do our best to raise our kids so that their knee jerk reaction is empathy and kindness to others - all others.

4. We give them opportunities to practice positive leadership.  We don't know what school and activities will bring into our lives yet in terms of our kids' place in the crowds, someday we may need to learn about how to approach the situation if our children ever become the targets of bullying. But we can do something right now and that is raise our kids so that they don't become the bullies.  We don't want to believe that our kids could, but we also know being in a position of power simply because you fit the mold for what society wants makes it easy to walk on the shoulders of other people. More so than that even, we also want to raise kids who will stand up in the face of bullying - so we try to give our kids opportunities to practice consent, offer help to those in need, and stand brave when if it is unpopular.

5. We try to live as role models in the way we act, talk, and make decisions with that responsibility in mind. We try to choose kindness in the way we speak and act.  We step outside of our own comfort zones to learn about and experience new things.  We approach topics and conflicts with an open-mind that there are various sides to every story - some of which we have no familiarity with due to the advantages we have in our life.  We talk, answer, and research any questions that our kids come to us with in the hopes of better understanding of how this world works and our place in it.


We are aware that many people (most people!!) are not nearly as privileged in all the ways that my very blessed family has been.  The thing with privilege is that it's easy to focus on the places in which you lack instead of recognizing and taking ownership of all the ways you may experience privilege; of the things that you maybe do not even know you take advantage of.

And we are conscious that some privilege you're born into and other privilege operates on a sliding scale and at any moment we could have an experience that could change our own family drastically (trauma, sickness, job loss, etc).  As those changes come (or don't) we plan and hope to continually grow in awareness, understanding, and to look for the opportunities in which we can use our instances of privilege as a platform to stand for those that don't have access to it.

It looks like an intense intentional way of raising our kids; like a lot of work.

...but that's only because we have the privilege of not thinking about it at all that makes it feel that way.



Some extra reading material:

How Privileged Are You?  (a buzzfeed quiz but will at least spark discussion and understanding of lot of different types of privilege)
How Taking a Buzzfeed Quiz taught me about Privilege (a reflection on the above quiz)
Explaining White Privilege to a Broke White Person
Black Moms Teach White Moms about The Talk (also linked above)
A Mother's Rules for Being Young, Black, and Male
A Mother's White Privilege (also linked above)
How to Talk to your Kids about White Privilege
My Kid would Never Do That (series from Dateline about bullying)

Moms! They're just like celebrities!

Moms may live out of the spotlight (like waaaaaay out of the spotlight), but they have a lot of experience living the glamorous perks of celebridom in so many ways.  In fact, some would say, they're just like celebrities!

Moms usually manage multiple projects at a time.
Just like celebrities who act, direct, and run their own clothing lines simultaneously - Moms are also balancing several ventures at once.  Moms are raising kids, taking care of households, holding down full-time or part-time jobs, writing blogs, participating in school board meetings, leading PTOs, fundraising for the peewee football teams, scheduling car pools, researching healthy toddler lunch options, and orchestrating elaborate Elf on the Shelf scenes....nightly...without an assistant.

People are always following them around. 
Sure, by people, I mean a gaggle of tiny humans, but they are like tiny shadows stepping on Mom's heels all day. They're following Moms up the steps, through the supermarket aisles, and even opening shower curtains unannounced!  Moms are constantly surrounded by an entourage - sometimes the company is welcomed; a great way to make an entrance; no chance people aren't noticing us!  But occasionally, Moms would love a little privacy...I mean can a girl get a closed bathroom door around here or what?

They receive unsolicited perks, just for being Moms!
Free cheese slice at the deli counter, hello!  Moms occasionally see undeserved benefits just for being Moms in the presence of their children. Grocery carts returned in the parking lots, doors held while Moms struggle with car seats and hand holding, line skipping in the bathroom for small kids who can't hold it, and lots of extra napkins and clean, non-dropped silverware at restaurants (like an excessive amount).  The best perks of all come in the form of compliments, "You have a beautiful family,"  "Your kids are so polite,"  "Hang in there, Momma, you're doing a great job."

They receive unwarranted criticism from people who don't know them.
Moms regularly get the unwelcome and generally unnecessary negative attention too, usually described as "advice" from strangers.  "You know, my kids acted like that too until I _______________ (gave them more attention/less attention, removed/added something to their diet, put them in school/took them out of school, etc)."  "I never let my kids (eat that, talk like that, play with that, do that...)."

...Mom's are all like, 'Mind your own business please- you don't know me and my struggles.'  And strangers be all like, 'if you didn't want the attention, maybe you shouldn't have had the kids.'  And Moms be like, "that makes no sense."

Personal hairstylists and make-up artists
There is no shortage of people who are eager to help Moms look their best, these people even live in-house for 24 hour service.  Their methods and visions are generally a little unorthodox, and they're always happy to experiment with non-traditional tools (read:  markers, paint, and temporary tattoos).  But their ambition and persistence are unparalleled in the fashion industry.

They regularly receive rare and priceless gifts.  
These gifts are displayed in prominent areas of the Mom's homes; including refrigerator doors, kitchen sink windowsills, and featured picture frames.  These gifts come in the form of fingerpaintings, odd collections found in pants pockets, short-stemmed flowers of the garden poaching variety, front row seats to impromptu dance shows, surprise smiles on the face of an infant, and other regalia delivered with warm smiles and a "look what I got for you Mum! Don't you love it?"

They experience a time in their life in which their bed is like a revolving door.
There is just no telling who Moms will wake up to in the morning - sometimes they aren't even aware of when that person got into their bed.  It's not uncommon for a Mom to wake up to multiple people in her bed, all of whom are invading her personal space and were never formally invited in the first place.  All the while, Moms are feeling both ashamed and loving all the attention.  Ashamed because they know they should really try harder to commit to children that sleep in their own beds.  Yet simultaneously comforted in the fact that this stage of them wanting to be so near their Mom is terrifyingly short-lived and it's actually kind of wonderful.

There is some inside person that is always making their personal business everyone's business.
Moms are not unfamiliar with the moments in which they are in a crowded room filled with people they may or may not know, when someone in their entourage announces, "Mumma said..." followed by something she mentioned quietly to her spouse behind a close door in a moment of shame.  It generally includes gossip and/or a curse word.

Their late night parties can get out of control.
And by late, we mean late enough that sometimes Moms consider just putting on some coffee and calling it a morning.  Moms are up long into the night fighting off closet monsters, occupying infants who confuse night and day, rubbing backs, cleaning up messes(of the urine or vomit nature), donating life sustaining nutrients(of the breastmilk nature), and making mental checklists of both real (upcoming holiday plans) and unreal (unlikely threats to children's well-being) varieties.

They seem to always be in the company of the most beautiful people.

A Mom will be the first to tell you, that no one is more beautiful than the people they keep company with.  Perfect skin, long eyelashes, great smiles, and hair that looks good even with bedhead...granted though, Moms can be a little biased.

The 5 Emotional Stages of the Last Month of Pregnancy

Currently in my third round of the last month of pregnancy, I have observed (and am experiencing) the highly volatile swing of emotional states that rightfully comes after growing a human for 36+ weeks.   I theorize that there is a trend to those emotions of the last month and have highlighted them here as helpful checklist for both pregnant women and the people that love them to bring awareness and acceptance to what might come in those final weeks before your blessed newborn arrives.

Keep in mind that these emotions do not have any definitive length of duration and are certainly not static in their ordering.  Women in the last month of pregnancy can move through the emotions at any rate and flip back and forth between the stages within less than a moment's notice.

The 5 Emotional Stages of the Last Month of Pregnancy
(entirely unofficial and pretend)


1. Anticipation - You feel like you can finally see the light at the end of this long tunnel called pregnancy!  Your due date is nearing and you are full of energy and motivated to finally get those last items completed on your to do list.  When people ask you how much longer you have, you happily respond, 'Just a few more weeks!'  Every slight feeling of  off-ness sends your wishful heart into excitement, 'Maybe this is it!' you imagine enthusiastically.  You make plans for the upcoming weeks in pencil only with a heart full of hope that you'll just be too busy with a newborn to actually attend any of them.

2. Jaded - The excitement has worn away now and it feels as though these last final weeks are somehow longer than all the other months of pregnancy combined.  You grow increasingly weary to answer, yet again, that your due date 'still isn't for another few weeks, but thank you very much for commenting on how that seems impossible to you with what my belly looks like.'  Almost all items on your to do list are done, and then some.  Braxton-Hicks become annoying reminders that you are still not ready for actual labor.  You start the unhelpful act of Googling 'How to Naturally Induce Labor' and 'Wives Tales for Bringing on Labor.' You call friends and family to make firm plans for the upcoming weeks just to distract yourself from the constant feeling of waiting around.

3. Bitterness- You wake up one morning after a sleepless night of constant bathroom breaks and inconsistent, albeit frustrating, pressure and pain in your back - to realize that now you're mad.  Angry that there is not a thing you can do about getting the child out until they are damn well ready to be born; a huge reminder of what being a parent is; running on someone else's schedule.  Thoughts of your non-pregnant body and mind feel like they are from another lifetime ago.  You come to realize that simply thinking about how long it has been since you have been able to do certain things; sleep on your stomach, paint your own toenails, hug someone straight on comfortably, infuriates you;  how foreign having control over your own body seems!  If you sneeze and pee your pants a little one.more.time, you will certainly lose your flipping mind?!  You roll your eyes, grind your teeth and, eat 12 cookies just in spite of yourself.

4. Hopelessness -  And then the waterworks start as your speaking to the person that happens to be the closest to you at that moment...and by closest I mean in physical proximity; this could be your spouse, your mom,  the doctor's office secretary, or the man at the check out counter.  Through streaming tears, you ramble on about a variety of irrational thoughts; "maybe this baby will never come out, I've been pregnant for so long and I miss my old self, I can't wait to finally see the baby's face, how will I be able to manage another child, I'm a bad mom for feeling upset about still being pregnant."  The person listening to this generally will stare at you with saucer eyes and if you're lucky, they will follow up with an encouraging, "even though it doesn't feel like it - you're doing great.  Now how about a warm bath?" (well, that might be creepy coming from the check out counter guy, but you get the idea).

5. Tolerance - This emotional state is generally brought about by the sudden realization that your life as it is right this moment (newborn still on the inside) efficiently operates like a well-oiled machine and that will very, very soon come to an end.  It comes on in moments like when your entire family sleeps in until 8:30am and you quickly remember that this will not likely happen again for quite some time.  Or when you find the kids eating breakfast and happily watching Team Umizoom while you get a few interrupted minutes to pound out a blogpost (hello!).  It's the thought (however fleeting) that, "Okay, fine.  It's not so bad and I can handle this for a little while longer.  I mean, the baby IS coming soon, regardless.....right?"



In the past two weeks, I, personally, have been steadily exchanging emotional stages 2-5 with terrifying speed.  Like, by the half hour.  Just yesterday alone, I did a lap of stages 2-4 within a matter of two hours.  Luckily this morning (for now at least), I am settled in stage 5 and I'm enjoying my two little gremlins and the prospect of a semi-productive day ahead.

Thank you to my husband, Mum, Mum-in-law, and sisters for putting up with sheer insanity.  Seriously, they are being brave to call me; they don't know which crazy version of myself they will encounter on the other end.  Thanks for still calling to check in anyway!

And to my two kids - I love you.  You will almost never NOT think I'm crazy in your lives anyway, and that's fine - but right now, I really am being crazy, I'm promise I'm trying to keep it together and be a rational mum for you, but even still I know things have been a little out of sorts around here.  So thanks for all the snugs, kisses, hugs, and patience that your little 4 and 2 year old selves can muster.  I mostly can't wait for this baby to be born so she can meet both of you.  What a lucky girl to be getting the two of you for family.



****************************************************
This list was written in good fun and for humor.  In no way do I mean to accuse pregnant women that they are actually crazy (au contraire:  you're a superhero!).

If, however, you feel like you are depressed or are having thoughts that you cannot handle on your own, please speak to your doctor or a professional immediately.

You can also visit some of these sites for more information about depression and pregnancy:
American Pregnancy Association:  Depression in Pregnancy
Women's Health:  Depression During and After Pregnancy
Parents:  Coping with Anxiety and Depression during Pregnancy
Postpartum Progress

The Lasts Weeks of Two

We're in the home stretch now for meeting our new baby girl.  We've made it to the six week countdown and I've passed the inevitable bridge that all pregnant women are required to reach; the i'd-rather-get-this-baby-out-even-though-it-requires-what-it-requires and i-choose-minimal-sleep-and-newborn-care instead of being this pregnant.  It's just a fact of life, friends and a necessary step to continue to populate the human race - let's be honest.

At this point, my pregnant body just feels foreign to me.  It no longer reacts the way I expect it too, I have aches and pains and constant heartburn (oh, Lord, the heartburn).  I need at least a 10 second warning a sneeze is coming on to tighten up, or well...you know what I'm talking about if you've been pregnant.  I'm deliriously happy about our new girl and so grateful that my body can do what it does (ie. grow humans!?) but I'm also ready to meet her and gain control back over my own self.

Coming to the end of this pregnancy has also been a stark reminder that we are also coming to the end of having only two.  These two:

These have been our only two kids for the past two years and now we're getting a new little person.  A new personality that will give our current two kids a new layer of themselves.  Our family will become more complete and with it we will all learn how to work together differently to allow for this new person to be with us.  We will go from equal parts parents and kids to an imbalance in favor of the young.

Currently, Grey and Gem are best friends; honestly.  They can hardly stand to be apart from each other.  The first words out of Gemma's mouth when she wakes up is "Where's Booboo?" and Grey makes it his mission to be his sister's protector.  He gives hell to the big kids at the playground, "It's my sister's turn!  Let her have a turn next!" and tells her frequently, "I would never let anything happen to you, Gem."

What will a new sibling do to them?  I don't say this in panic, but in curiosity.  I was one of three and having two siblings allowed for a mediator, an impartial listener, an ally, a conspirator, another best friend.  I can't wait to see how this plays out for our three too.

While at the playground the other day, my Mum was listening to a 'big boy' talk to the kids by the slide.  When Grey told him, "This is my sister Gemma and we're getting a new baby girl too."  The big boy said, "Another girl baby?  No one is going to pay attention to you guys anymore!" and Greyson announced to Gemma, "Let's get out of here, Gem." and they slid down the slide together and left that big kid up there alone with his rude warning.  HAH!

After I had my complications with Gemma's birth and was put back in the hospital for a few days, I remember sobbing to my sister that I felt like I was neglecting my first baby; Greyson; that I wasn't being a good mom to him anymore now with the new baby and (more so than that) restricted to the hospital bed.

I am feeling the same tinges of that now in my final weeks of pregnancy for baby #3.  I know I am slower and more tired these days.  I can't carry babies up the steps anymore or chase down 100 fly baseballs.  And after our new girl arrives, I know my Mummahood will be stretched a little thinner in both energy and patience.

Somehow though, isn't it funny and wonderful that being a Mum becomes thicker in Love with the addition of new family members.

I have been trying to take in all the little changes in our kids right now to hopefully keep a snapshot of them in my mind of what it was like when they were only two.

Grey has been growing at weed speed these days; both physically and mentally.  He came downstairs this morning and I knew right away that he had grown - and I was right: a full half inch since last month(!)  He has been trying out several phrases he hears from tv shows or bigger kids; things like "You started it," and "I'm going to scare the heck out of you!"

Yesterday at the zoo, he was acting like a spooky animal in the meerkat tunnels and sort of blocking the entrance for other kids.  I called him out of the tunnel and told him that even though it was funny to him, other kids weren't able to play too and maybe they were scared.  That I knew he wasn't a bully but he looked like one by not letting other kids in the tunnel.  He apologized and looked visibly saddened.  About a half hour later when we were leaving the zoo, he said, "Mum, I'm feeling nervous."  I asked why and he said, "I'm feeling worried about the other kids when I was being a bully."  He has my tendencies about holding onto that ping of worry in my heart when I know I made a choice that may have made someone else feel unhappy.

Gemma has turned on the little girl light switch and all the baby has nearly dissipated from her entirely.  She has made the drastically obvious leap from talking so that only her parents understand to full blown conversations that other people understand.  It's both scary and dazzling to see our girl, who has been the baby for so long, turn into a real life little girl.

When I was feeling particularly sick and tired the other night, I came upstairs and took a bath and then put on my flowered robe to lay down to read (thank you, Brandon for the peace & quiet!) and Gemma came upstairs to tell me it was time for dinner.  The moment she walked into our room and saw me in the flowered robe she lit up and whispered, "You are beautiful, Mumma!"  I could have cried.  She can be the sweetest, most loyal little thing in the world.  When we are playing monsters/bad guys and I pretend to be afraid; she runs to me, throws her little arms around my neck and whispers, "I'll be-tect you, mumma!"

We have been talking, practicing, role playing, and doing more talking about having our new baby around.  Every time I go to a doctor appointment, the kids ask enthusiastically, "Is she coming today!?"  We have been trying our best to make our new baby's arrival like waiting for a package in the mail;  we are all just anxiously checking the mailbox everyday in anticipation.

It's such a mix of emotions in these last few weeks.  Slightly grieving the end of two kids and the exact feeling of how our life is today in all it's wild, moving, chaos.  Hardly standing the anticipation to meet our new girl; to become more whole as our family - it so painfully obvious that she is missing from us.  And knowing that I don't want to feel so huge and out of control of my own self, but also knowing the alternative to that lies the zombie like state of the rotten eight first weeks of having a newborn.

And so we all wait to bring our girl home.  Until then, we'll be relishing in just how our life feels during these final weeks of two.

How we talk to our very young kids about alcohol

Last night at dinner, my two and a half year old daughter asked her grandma what she was drinking at the restaurant (it was a chocolate martini) and when her grandma told her "it's a drink for grown ups," my daughter responded, completely unphased, "Like beer?" shrugged, and then went back to chasing her brother around the restaurant table annoying all of the other patrons like normal.

Inspired by a post I recently read at Rage Against the Minivan, I want to write about how we have chosen to Talk Early to our kids about alcohol.  As early as toddler/preschool age level in our case!  

It takes only a quick pin-search of my blog and you'll find that the top hit on my site is about the Beer Olympics.  Followed closely behind by all my other posts about being a mom to little kids; which don't necessarily seem like they go together in any capacity.  But I'm here to tell you - they can, and do!

Our very young kids have attended parties where alcohol is present and have sat at the same dinner table while their parents enjoyed a glass of wine or beer.  Alcohol is not a secret at our house, but something that our kids see regularly.  But more than that - and this is the really important part - it is something that we have talked about together as a family.

We have had conversations together about how drinking alcohol is a grown up activity and dangerous for kids; like many other things we talk about with our preschoolers (see below).  We have explained that beer and alcohol can make a kid really sick if they drink it; that they will likely throw up.  We also talk about how when grown ups drink too much beer or alcohol - they get sick too and throw up.  We have discussed with them, as preschoolers, that beer and alcohol can make grown ups feel confused and sleepy which can make it hard for grown ups to make good choices.  (TV and movies offer no lack of examples of intoxicated actors making poor choices - even the G rated movies usually have some comic relief actor who behaves drunkenly!)

And so we keep talking about it.  And talking about.  And talking about, in hopes that it is clear that drinking is not something that is a secret, or mysterious, or exotic.  It is something we can ask questions about, we can notice, and we can talk about now and forever together.

When brainstorming about writing this post, I sat with our kids to test their understanding about the concept of grown up activities versus kid activities.  So we created together two lists:  One for the things that only grown ups and parents do and the other a list of things that only kids do that grown ups and parents don't (or at least don't do regularly)....keep in mind, my kids are only 2 and 4 years old, so this list is extremely basic.  I asked them their thoughts and they supplied the items in the list* 

Grown ups & Parents Do (but not kids):

• Drink beer
• Use tools by themselves
• Not wearing diapers
• Chewing Snuff (tobacco)
• Smoking cigarettes (we don't smoke, but they see other grown ups that do)
• Saying curse words
• Going to work
• Drinking coffee

Things Kids Do (but not grown ups or parents usually):

• Playing with toys
• Climbing on furniture or doors/walls
• Getting carried and held
• Wearing a diaper

*I cleaned up the language a little to make it more clear for readers- ie. 'bang a hammer' (4year old description) to 'Use tools by themselves' (Mum's cleaned up version for the blog) and 'hold you' (2year old description) to 'getting carried and held' (Mum's cleaned up version for the blog).

As parents, we know that it is important (obviously - but I gotta say it aloud, right, internet?) that everything should be kept within moderation; alcohol and cursing alike.  And it's vastly important to us to not only explain to our kids about moderation, but be models of moderation as well.  

We want to be as transparent as possible to our kids that there are certain things that grown ups do that are dangerous or inappropriate for kids to do...yet.  Just like lots of things (riding a bike without training wheels, driving a car, etc) there are activities that kids are not yet ready to do, but will be ready someday in the future.  

And although drinking alcohol or smoking are a little more awkward of a conversation to have than say why they can't drive a car yet - it's still an important discussion to have.  The more we approach the uncomfortable topics with explanations and confidence (just like we would with why they can't drive a car) the easier it seems for them to accept and learn about it, rather than making it taboo.

Our list of 'grown up' activities will no doubt expand as they get older and become more curious about various (less G rated) activities, and we will tackle those awkward yet insanely important conversations as well when the time comes.  And someday in the future - we hope to have been as clear as possible to our kids on how to approach all of those 'grown up' activities with awareness, knowledge, and safety.  The goal is to take the mystery and scariness out of topics and situations so that they can see them with a clear head and make a decision for themselves when that day comes.

Footnote: our kids have not attended the Beer Olympics for two years, and will continue not to attend as the event is not an example of moderation.  But rather a raucous - albeit safe!!- event that is entirely for grown ups.  Instead, they spend the day with their Pappy and Gigi doing little kid activities like swimming and visiting amusement parks.  We talk about the event together though and they see pictures of the day in our family yearbook.  We answer their questions if they have them (which usually is about who was the winner) and remind them that they get a fun day of kid stuff to do while we spend the day with other grown ups doing grown up things.  Again...the key being we talk, talk, talk about it.

our beautiful unstructured days

I try to keep parenting in perspective by imagining the things I will someday miss about these days with very young kids.  I've written about it before and think about it often.  On days when I've answered 36,000 questions and listened to 64 stories about Bigfoot, and cheered along to 93 of the kids 'shows,' it is sometimes difficult to imagine a time when my future teenagers will walk in the door and not even speak to me.   I try to envision the days to come when I have to pry information out of them about their days and their interests.  When they make friends with parents that we don't already know.  Crushes, peer pressure, boyfriends, girlfriends, heartbreak, failed test scores, team tryouts; these things belong in a parenting world yet foreign to us.

There is one thing about our life right now that feels frighteningly numbered and that is the beauty in our unstructured life.  There are so many reasons I feel blessed to stay home with our very young kids, mainly because that means we operate within an unstructured day.   We have no clocks barking at us, no third party schedules, no practices, no due dates, no homework; we have nowhere else to be than right where we are at almost any given time.

The kids slept in yesterday until after 8:30a and while getting changed out of pajamas, the three of us laid in Gemma's bed and pretended that various animals lived in the knots in the bunk bed wood.  As they suggested various hole-dwelling animals (worms, snakes, chipmunks) and I tickled them, pretending those animals were biting them. Later, they played on the slip n' slide for over an hour...because we could.  Lunch happens when we're hungry and we do 'activities' when the kids get bored.  The only place I had to be yesterday was at the dentist for an appointment and my Mum (thank you!) came to play with them for a few hours while I ran there and then to the grocery store.

B got home from work yesterday and for a hilarious half hour wrestled and slammed the kids on the bed while they joyfully shouted; "Again!"

I spend my days caring for our house and life (bills, cleaning, cooking, etc), but also playing board games, snuggling with Gemma before her nap, reading about tree frogs, teaching Grey to fold dish towels, and being there with open arms to tiny requests of 'hold you.'

This is my main job as a parent right now.  We try to follow a loose schedule for the weekdays to keep the kids learning new stuff:
Make Something Monday
Reading Tuesday
What's Cookin' Wednesday
Thoughtful Thursday
Explore Friday

...but most of our days consist of free play; the kids decide what looks fun and that's what they do for as long as they're interested.  It's out of that kind of play that I watch my kids learn and discover on their own while I answer questions and manage arguments mostly about sharing.

But these days are numbered.  I can feel them closing in on us.

Although four years old, Grey will not be attending preschool this year.

This comes as a surprise to loads of people that ask what are plans are for the fall.  Brandon and I have talked about it and agreed since there is no free preschool available at our local public school and paying for it seems sort of outrageous considering we live on one paycheck.  We'd definitely find a way to send him if we thought he needed it; mentally, emotionally, or socially - but he's a pretty well adjusted kid as we make sure to do educational things at home (thanks Pinterest) and spend great amounts of social time with friends, family, and playground stranger kids and talking about manners.

We have purposely limited enrolling the kids in activities over the past two years too.  Our kids don't play on teams, or attend multiple classes throughout the year.  They went to vacation bible school for a week this summer and this winter we plan to enroll them in gymnastics and/or indoor soccer.  But other than that, we keep it all pretty close to home.

Because we are keenly aware that there is only a very short time that they will get to have totally unadulterated freedom to do whatever they want with no restrictions of schedules.  Sure, they'll have summers in the future that will lay before them blissfully unoccupied, but even then we will likely have practices, or summer reading packets, camps, or sleep overs scheduled.  They will also be a little older which means a little more removed from us - a little less interested in spending that unadulterated freedom with us.

This time next year, we will be staring Kindergarten in the face.  Our first baby will be preparing to step into thirteen+ years of education.  Brandon and I were both athletes and multiple club members in high school, so we know from experience how entire seasons can be swallowed whole by practices, games, and laundry alone.  School and after-school commitments will dictate our lives for most of the rest of our parenting days.  I am a planner, so I'm confident in my future ability to deal with the scheduling of pick-ups, drop offs, dinner planning, homework completing, awards ceremonies, and fundraisers.

Our kids will have their whole lives to follow schedules and be on time for things.

But all that can wait.

Because we still have at least one year of beautifully, perfect unstructured days.

And the kids and I have absolutely no where to be today.  So maybe we'll take a walk in the woods, or take a trip to the bank followed by a stop at the playground, or maybe we'll dig for worms in the yard. We still have left some wonderfully, yet numbered, days that I fully intend to squeeze every little giggle, hug, and smile out of it while we still got 'em.

One of those weeks...

It has just been one of those parenting weeks over here.  In exasperated sobs last night I recounted all of the ways in which I feel like I've failed this week as a Mum to B.  Each day, at least one child has had what we call over here "A Hard Day:" the kind of day that is just ceaseless whining and unhappiness, no matter what happens.

One of the kids' favorite read alouds is My No No No Day by Rebecca Patterson because it so honestly recounts what a 'Hard Day' looks like.  We love at the end the poor Mom (who looks so exhausted as soon early as breakfast) explains to Bella that everyone gets hard days sometimes but perhaps tomorrow she'll be more cheerful.  Spoiler alert:  tomorrow she is!

The thing is, this week, when one child has a more cheerful tomorrow, the other is having a 'Hard Day.'  Yesterday was this poor, exhausted (23 week pregnant!) Mum's tipping point.  We were on our way to the playground when a battle of epic screaming erupted in the backseat that Gem wanted her window down and Grey wanted all the windows up.  We talk a lot about compromises so Gem and I got to keep our windows down (as it was 80 degrees outside) and Grey would get Daddy's jacket to cover up with.  Oh Hell No.  That was just not going to fly with my normally very sweet, mature for his age, blessed son.

As he furiously belt out scream after scream of "Gemmi's window up!" I pulled over to the side of the road and told him I would wait to go to the playground until he calmed down.  Calm down, he did not.  And after about five minutes of honestly contemplating what kind of crap mother has a child who endlessly screams about something so ridiculous, I broke.  We TURNED AROUND AND WENT HOME.  I was not having that shit, my friends.

Grey screamed more and louder upon realizing we were no longer going to the playground while Gem asked confused, 'playground, mumma?'  I got them both in the house, Grey threw himself on the floor in a total tantrum in the dining room while I held Gem and told her she was being such a good girl and that maybe we could go to the playground later after we all try our best.

Gem got the ipad and I took Grey up to his bed and laid down beside him and rubbed his back while he continued to scream, and then cry, and then whine, and then looked up and said, "Happy now."

This did not make me feel better.  As we continued our day post meltdown at 10:30am - a WHOLE DAY LEFT TO GO (!) my mind wheeled with possible reasons of why my kids were having such hard days this week.

that's peanut butter all over them.

Why I was such a poor excuse for a mother, apparently, as my kids were having so much trouble behaving like anything other than rabid, feral animals.

Maybe I'm too lenient?
Maybe I'm too harsh?

Maybe I don't play enough with them?
Maybe they don't play enough independently?

Maybe I'm yelling too much?
Maybe they need to be more afraid of me; yell more!  louder!?

Maybe I'm not meeting their needs for attention?  love?  holding them?  alone time?
Maybe I'm not taking good enough care of myself and I'm overly tired?  stressed?

Maybe they need more stimulation; toys?  trips out of the house?
Maybe they are too spoiled and expect to just get everything.  Go outside & play in the dirt like I did, children?!

When recounting all of this to Brandon he responded, "You're a great Mom.  Why can't you just chalk it up to a shit week instead of second guessing everything you do?"

Well, wouldn't that be a concept...but tis not the ways of Mommas, amirite?

I read an article yesterday too that contributed to my mom guilt spiral of despair about a woman who left her child in the car to run into the store for 5 minutes.  I read it first because I related, I've done that; left my kids in the car to run into the post office or the local deli for milk.  I know that it's wrong (even though I myself was left in the car many times, once even my sister and I put the car in reverse and we drifted down the parking lot a ways until popping it back into park; trying to pretend like the car hadn't moved at all when our Mom came out and gave us a good talking to - sorry Mum!  Kayla did it!), but I've still left them in the car because of a trillion contributing factors of the day that led up to that moment.  Just like every single bad or great decision I make as a Mum, it comes down to assessing the risk/benefit and deciding how to get our entire family through any one thing as best as possible at any given time.

The thing that struck a nerve about this article was not that she made an bad impulse choice as a mom in the heat of the moment...but because a bystander videotaped the scene from the parking lot. If the bystander thought the child was in danger - you'd think they would have spoken to the mom, certainly embarrassed her and everyone's day would have moved on.  But the bystander called the police.  long story short, the mom was arrested, taken to court for endangering a minor and received 100 hours of community service and parenting classes.  She was told to confess that she had a "lapse in judgement" and it was 'not worth losing her kid over' to fight it.

'A lapse in judgement' basically describes most of my entire day parenting two little humans:  my kids play outside by themselves, they buzz each other's hair with clippers unsupervised, and sit on countertops regularly.  I'm just trying to do my best and figure it out over here - as I imagine most moms are.  I understand that people want children to be safe, but shouldn't the first response be to speak to the adult?  I'm pretty sure that no one is constantly beating themselves up about every single parenting choices more than Mom.  Socially shaming on facebook or involving the legal system seem like the least effective ways to help Moms make better choices.

So I spent part of the day yesterday also stressing about the fact that not only do I have to worry about things like natural disasters, car accidents, disease, bullies, and strangers that want to kidnap or harm my children - I now need to add to the list, "good Samaritans' who call the cops on me behind my back for what they deem poor parenting choices that could potentially land me in jail or lose my kids.

--sorry if this sounds like a rant.  It's not.  It's more like a 'why do we do this to each other' question out into the world of parents.  why can't we try to support each other instead of making parenting a full contact competition?

If you want to help kids, here are some great sites that can help you do that today:
Feeding America
Adopt US Kids
Starbright Foundation
Children of Fallen Soldiers
Boys & Girls Club of America
Save the Children/Syria
Nothing But Nets
Global Giving - The Girl Effect

Anyway, the good news is that today appears to have at least started better.  Kids are already outside, attempting to entice bunnies with carrots tied to string and we have a playdate with our best friends this afternoon, followed by dinner & a meeting with The Hunting Daddies crew.  Plus, this weekend is our annual Grandmas & Kids to NYC trip.  I mean, we really only have up to go from here, right?

The Game of Outlast

After four years of being a Mum, I have come to the understanding that so much of my day with children under the age of five, is actually just a never-ending game of Outlast (not the video game kind which I didn't know existed until this morning), but actually the definition of the word Outlast; to last longer.

Outlast generally consists of children wanting to do something and parents knowing that a) the kids are trying to postpone the necessary (nap, teeth brushing, etc) b)it will cause an enormous mess that is simply not worth the trade-off or c) something that is potentially dangerous, harmful, or inappropriate for the setting

Outlast strategies for parents include; creating distractions, resetting the day, and standing firm in your decisions once made.  For example, when it's clearly time for a nap for an overly tired toddler.

A few weeks ago, Gem was obviously exhausted but absolutely had no interest in laying down for her nap.  In her room, she screamed and pushed against me with her defiant little fists while I gently swayed side to side and hummed to try to soothe her.  All the while my mind was scrambling for some footing, "No matter if your sweet, angel of a two year old is screaming directly into your ear; you can last longer.  Hang in there, you're 30 years old for goodness sakes - you're an adult, you've done more difficult things than this - get it together!"

Ever so slowly, the screaming turned to yelling to whining to silence as she laid her precious head on my shoulder and attempted to meekly fight off the sleep.  Oh sweet, sweet victory.  The Triumph of Outlast!

My children have seemingly caught on, however, that my abilities at the game of Outlast are markedly less impressive come 5:00pm.  Cleaning up endless messes, never going to the bathroom alone, watching the same superhero move thirty-six times in a row, and refilling spilled cups of water; all take their toll on my skills of keeping it together.

Outlast strategies for children include; persistent whining, repeating the same question or phrase over and over again ("Can we go in that doghouse display at PetCo"), making excuses to distract parents (ie. "I want different jammies on," "My legs are too tired to pick up that huge mess I just made", etc)

Right before dinnertime, this scenario is much more likely,

kids:  mum, we want to take off all the couch cushions
me:  not right now, guys, we are getting ready to eat
kids:  but we want to play ninja fighting
me:  i said not now, it's almost time for dinner
kids:  muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm, puhleaseeeeeeee
me:  just come sit in here for two minutes, let's have a talk; dinner is about to be done

This is the moment in need of Outlast strategy, alas Mumma just doesn't have the energy
--while kids catch a glimpse of my precarious nature--

kids:  but we're ninjas.  And we need the couch cushions off
me (clearly exasperated):  Greyson and Gemma, please.  two minutes.
kids: *whispering* let's just go take them off... woohoo! (as they happily leap across the room from one couch cushion to the next)

Defeat.

Using up so much energy at this game of Outlast for the duration of the day is why, when my husband walks in the door from work and asks, "how was the day, mumma?"  my usual response is to barely manage an exasperated, "Can I  please just be quiet for a few minutes.  I love you, but I need silence for like 5 minutes."

He was off on Friday and while at the kitchen table when the kids were showing off some serious stellar talent at Outlast over the astonishingly annoying and loud version of 'who was going to sit on which side of the bench for lunch,' he looked at me with a disbelieving expression.  I just gave him a knowing look and responded, "Yea...All Day."

I have found there are a few small pick-me-ups that I can offer myself to increase my stamina in the all-day game of Outlast.  Things like hiding chocolate in the fridge (top compartment behind the cream cheese) to sneak a sweet bite or a cup of hot tea in the mid-afternoon when my fuel is running low.

But usually, at the end of each day, the parents seem to win the game by only a slim margin.  The concern we have right now is we are not yet outnumbered, although those days are quickly coming to an end.  Will a shift in the team rosters affect our abilities to win at Outlast?  As they continue to grow; do their strategy skills get better, while ours gradually deplete from older age and fatigue?  How long does this game last?  Until the kids reach a certain age?  Until forever?

So much is unclear, I just have my eye on the prize for TODAY's game.  That's all I really can focus on, it's the lacing up my metaphorical running shoes and giving it all my talents today to get through this one game of outlast.

The bad news is that today's game already feels a little rigged in their favor -as we have already experienced a dumped out hamper of clean laundry (on purpose), what looks like rain on the way, and two kids who still didn't get nearly enough sleep last night.

Good luck, today in your own games of Outlast, friends.  Mondays aren't usually my best performance days...