the end of the bubble era

this one's for all the mommas who are sending their first baby to school this year.

---
Grey got a letter in the mail yesterday.  It had his name neatly printed on the front in green marker and was decorated with stickers.  As I flipped it over to open it for him, my heart jumped to see a long, rectangular sticker with smiling cartoon animal faces that announced, "Welcome to Kindergarten."

Grey pulled the three pieces of paper out and I'm proud to report that I made it to the fifth sentence of the letter from his new teacher before my voice audibly wavered.

"You will be learning letters, sounds, reading books (voice shake), playing on computers and iPads, (clears throat), counting to 100, (another voice shake), and so many more fun things!"

I did finish reading the whole letter aloud but it was with red-rimmed eyes and with a voice on the verge of breaking.

I.am.so.excited.for.him.
I can barely stand myself.

I remember before Greyson was born, having a giddy conversation with Brandon that we were getting new names; Mom and Dad.  How thrilling and foreign that seemed to us then - and to think now sometimes Mum is the only name I hear called for me all day (and at a rate of about 12 times a minute sometimes).

And here we are again, getting ready to receive new names once more, this time; Greyson's Mom and Dad.  Ugh, even more jarring: Mr. and Mrs. Studer (of which I was recently called at vacation bible school by the sweet high school student who befriended Gemma each day.  It happened in front of Gigi and she immediately started cracking up hysterically and then looked at me lovingly and with the faintest expression of nostalgia and said, "I remember how weird that was to get used to").

I'm not sad he's going to school (despite what my watery eyes and flashes of panic will tell you), it's more that I can sense that this era in our life is coming to an end.
forever.

Gah, the bubble era.
This phase of motherhood in which all year long, our days and weeks stretch before us like unmarked trails in the woods.  Our days are ticked not by times on the clock but by the rumble in our bellies and the next fun thing the kids feel like doing.  The years have been tracked by seasons, celebrations, and traditions, we get through the year by happily leaping from one holiday to the next.  The years move steadily, but gradually as we count down days until the next big thing.

But now, we are getting ready to make the transition to years marked by two main distinctions:  the school year and summer.  How much does it speed up a year when divided only by two?  I can only imagine how time will be counted in blinks.

Safe in our bubble for the past five years, there has been one entrance and exit in our lives here; people, ideas, tv, movies, words, activities - they all passed our customs check first.  We prepared, delivered, answered questions, gave guidance, followed up, checked in, asked questions. If something did sneak by us, the kids felt comfortable, confident, and safe to bring it up with us.  The topics on which we have given explanations and answered questions have been hilarious, random, and unnerving.  But so far, we have been the main point of contact.

That's not to say that we've tried to limit the world to them (many would probably argue -myself included- we've tried to do the opposite of that), but we have tried to frame the world for them.  To provide a foundation for understanding the world; to encourage problem solving, to try again, to respond with empathy first.  Outside of our bubble, this is not always the case and I wonder, now on the brink of the bubble pop, did we do enough?  Is he prepared for a world that sometimes is not as beautiful and kind as what we try to see everyday?  Does he have enough foundation in our morals to stand tall in the face of unfamiliar harshness.
I don't know.
How I hope though.

no, sad is not the right word.
melancholy, then?
I think the most accurate description might be: preemptively nostalgic

it's the clear marking of time that slices away at my heart; it's always the distinction between now and then that stuns me.

Time passes a little bit each day, but its hard to recognize the transition from when you go, for example, from two kids who communicate to three.  Like all those weeks of Violet babbling and watching us has now slowly, gradually turned into her communicating; signing and pointing and trying to convey meaning to us.  The change is slow then one day it just is and there wasn't a moment to try to grab at the sand before it slipped by.

But this is one of those clear border lines, and my hands are empty but repeatedly grasping at air and every tiny thing in our day appears tinged in rose.

It's a blessing and a curse to be able to look at the present through the eyes of the future.  My mind naturally paints romance around the commonplace because somewhere the recognition is written inside of me that everything is more beautiful, vibrant, and meaningful when you look back on it.

So, in these last few days, of the unrestricted freedom of the bubble era, I'm trying my best to act out of gratitude and joy.  Late morning starts, meals outside, spontaneous afternoon activities, feeling undeniably grateful for this time that I was able to be at home with these kids, just us.  It was so short of a time, but also so long everyday.

Oh, Time,
you are both cruel and lovely.
I both hate you and love you.
Greyson's mom

a young family watches a meteor shower

3:52am

Mom:  Sweetheart, do you want to see the falling stars?
Daughter:  yes, mumma
Mom:  okay, you'll have to wake up then and come with me
Daughter:  can we catch them?


Mom:  You're supposed to make a wish when you see a shooting star.  How many wishes do you think we'll get to make tonight?
Daughter:  eight
Son: one hundred and ninety and fourteen


Mom:  Oooh!  we saw a big on while you guys were getting the blanket!
Son:  Did it fall in our yard?


Son:  Hey, look!  the dipping thing!
Dad:  yep, you're right!  The big dipper!
Son:  it's cool that the stars make things in the sky


Son:  it looks like we're looking up at a big city up there in the sky, huh?


Daughter:  wow!  do you see that blinking green one?
Son:  Gem!  That's just the dog's collar


Mom:  close your eyes! I'm going to take a picture
Daughter:  why close our eyes?
;;flash;;
Daughter:  don't ever do that again, Mumma!

Son:  What did you wish, Mom?
Mom:  that everyone in the whole world would choose kindness
--
Daughter:  I wished I could be a human
Mom:  You are a human, silly!
Daughter:  no, a human who makes ice cream.
Mom/Dad/Son:  mmhmm, good wish.
--
Son:  I wish I could see the boulders in space
Dad:  you mean like an astronaut?
Son:  Yes!
Mom/Dad/Daughter:  mmhmm, good wish.
--
Mom:  what about you Dad?
Dad:  I wish for a blanket


Daughter:  what's that blinking one moving?
Mom:  It's an airplane
Daughter:  wow!  Up there with the falling stars, it better be careful!


Son:  you know, Gem, there are aliens flying in some of those meteors
Daughter:  oh, okay.
Mom:  What!?  no.  Grey!


Dad:  I'm cold, what do you guys think, one more meteor and back to bed?
Mom:  that sounds good, it's almost quarter after
Dad:  over that way I saw a whole bunch of little ones
Mom:  but the biggest ones I saw were over here
Dad:  well what are you going for here, size or quantity?
Mom:  I'd take one big one over a bunch of little ones every time
Dad:  that's what she said


Daughter:  oh! I saw one.  it was so fast though
Mom:  must of been, I didn't see it
Daughter: yea, it's all the way to the Dominican Republic now.


Mom:  thanks for watching the meteor shower with us, guys
Dad: that was pretty cool, huh?  that was a lot of shooting stars!
Son:  and a lot of wishes! maybe everything will be mixed up tomorrow
Mom:  because of everyone's wishes coming true?
Son: yea
Daughter:  maybe! I think it will switch all of our beds around
Dad/Mom/Son:  .....
Daughter:  that would be funny.


4:17am

Kid chatter

These two.

They are pretty funny (among other adjectives I could think of - HAH).  Here's a little sampling of the best quotes from them over the past few months that I've been compiling to share. Hope they bring a smile to your face too :)

-----

Gemma slammed her head off the door frame while attempting a gymnastic move and so I was snuggling her

Gemma:  when will my booboo get better? 

Me:  my grandma always said it would get better before you get married 

Gemma:  did you have any booboos when you got married?

Me:  nope, they all got better!

Gemma:  well I know what could make me better right now, true loves kiss

On the second to last Friday in Lent

Greyson:  boy!  Fish sure makes ya fart! 

Singing old macdonald to Violet and the kids were supplying the animals on the farm so I could do their sound in the song. 

Me:  old macdonald had a farm e I e I o

And on his farm he had a...

Gemma:  unicorn! 

Me:  gem. What does a unicorn say?

Gemma:  magical sounds? 

Greyson (whispering to his sister):  I won't tattle tell on you ,okay Gem. 

Greyson (aloud): I spilled the paint downstairs

Dad: did you? 

Greyson:  well I'm not telling on my sister

Me: you write on paper. Not on couches, not on walls, not on your own body, not on the floor. ON PAPER!

Gemma:  Lord in Heaven, help me. 

Me:  Grey! What's that banging sound?

Grey: what sound?

Me: the one that sounds like you're dragging something down the steps

Grey: um, I think it's your imagination.

While sitting at the breakfast table waiting for Brandon to come down dressed for work.
Gemma:  my handsome boy is going to come down soon!

Outside playing:
Gemma (mumbles something)
Greyson:  did she just say 'hell no?'
Me: I hope not, that's a curse
Gemma:  no I said, 'Aww shi...." (Trailing off while looking at me sideways)...I mean oh God!
Me: Gem, still both curses.

While sitting on her grandfather Chum's lap, Gemma spilled half a bottle of water on the both of them
Chum:  Gem!  It's all over my shorts!
Gemma:  Well it's all over MY FEELINGS!!

After Grey refused to apologize nicely to his sister for kicking her in the face on the trampoline
Me:  That's a shame because you know Karma works fast, my friend.  Something bad will happen to you now since you chose to be unkind to your sister.
(about ten minutes later at lunch)
Grey:  what's on my hair? I can see something
Me:  Um, looks like a little spider
-spider jumps down on a web onto Greyson's nose -
Grey:  Mom!
Me: (sweeping it off) Got it.
Grey:  Omigosh, was that the karma?!

Love, Greyson and Gemma

kid survey about their Mumma

There is a kid survey going around the internet that is incredibly sweet (thanks Shelly for sharing it!) The idea is that, without any prompting, you ask your kids each question and write down their responses. 

The thing that maybe is the most endearing part about the stuff that kids say is because there is usually the smallest hint of wisdom to their words - at least if only because it comes from a perspective that adults can't see anymore; we've lost along the path of growing up.

So, here is a bit of sometimes funny, sometimes insightful bits and pieces of what kind of mumma my kids have:

Greyson, age 5
1. What is something mom always says to you?  you are special

2. What makes mom happy? being good

3. What makes mom sad?  being bad

4. How does your mom make you laugh?  she tickles me

5. What was your mom like as a child?  she liked to play kickball

6. How old is your mom?  21

7. How tall is your mom?  shorter than Daddy

8. What is her favorite thing to do?   do exercise

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?  she goes to races

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  talking about the weather

11. What is your mom really good at?  writing and doing letters

12. What is your mom not very good at?  making Violet happy when she's putting her clothes on

13. What does your mom do for a job?  I don't know....what?

14.What is your mom's favorite food?  shrimp

15.What makes you proud of your mom?  when she went in the race

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?  her name would be 'Johnson Fairakin'

17. What do you and your mom do together?  we go on special dates and eat

18. How are you and your mom the same?  we have the same brain

19. How are you and your mom different?  different hair.  and you're bigger than me

20. How do you know your mom loves you?  she always be's nice to me

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?  she just loves him

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?  her sister's house

23. How old was your Mom when you were born?  21



Gemma, age 3
1. What is something mom always says to you?  Don't Yell!

2. What makes mom happy?  make her toast

3. What makes mom sad?  the butterflies flying away

4. How does your mom make you laugh?  make funny things

5. What was your mom like as a child?  she yelled

6. How old is your mom?  3, like me

7. How tall is your mom?  this big (with her arms outstretched)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?  make pizza

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?  Daddy's here then

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  being on Mickey

11. What is your mom really good at?  doing computer things

12. What is your mom not very good at?  doing bad things

13. What does your mom do for a job?  carrying Violet

14.What is your mom's favorite food?  chicken

15.What makes you proud of your mom?  sleeping

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?  Action!

17. What do you and your mom do together?  sleeping and going to the store

18. How are you and your mom the same?  this is taking too long

19. How are you and your mom different?  Mum!

20. How do you know your mom loves you?  her give me snuggas

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?  marrying him, giving him kissas and huggas

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?  to the store

23. How old was your Mom when you were born?  16

Greyson Rudy, our five year old

My Greyson Rudy Booboo, 

five.

five!!!!!

five?

We expect so much from you baby, and I know that makes it hard on you.  But you're our oldest and that tends to happen to the first born (me too, buddy).  But the thing is - you deliver, little man.  We ask you to be a helper and a leader around here and you are right there for us nearly every time, being so thoughtful and patient and kind to not only your sisters but to all of us.  

Our little man.

We are so lucky to have you - especially me, my darling, who asks of your own free will sometimes, "How are you doing Mum?  Can I help you so you don't have to do all the hard work and then we can play together?"

You are such an amazing big brother.  It sometimes silences me to see how gentle and patient you are with both of your sisters.  Granted, you tease and fight and argue with them too - but mostly you are more loving to them than I would ever expect or hope.  You jump at the chance to play the hero to Gemma when she feels like being a princess that needs saved, or happy to play as sidekick superheroes with her instead.  More times than I can count, I've walked in on you trying to teach them new words, how to use sports equipment, and offering to share your clothes/shoes/toys so that they can play like you.  They are so lucky to have you, Booboo.  

You are also so foreign to me sometimes; all boy.  You fall into uncontrollable laughter about farts and weenies and poop, but your laugh and huge grins are so joyful that I find my 'sisters-only' mind suppressing laughter most of the time too. A hug from you is to accept a full blown tackle that is delivered at a high speed sprint from across the room with a catapult from the couch arm rest.  It is painful to love you, both metaphorically and literally. You bring exhaustion and new bruises to all of me; my legs from chasing you, my arms from playing catch, my face from taking wrestling blows, and definitely my heart - my first baby, my ever-growing son.

Whatever sports season is currently in session becomes your favorite.  Right now you are baseball obsessed and even better; you're playing on your first real life team for teeball.  So it begins I guess, the years of practices and games and painting your number on our cheeks and the trying to not be the loudest, most embarrassing mom in the stands (don't worry we already designated a secret hand gesture that's meant to let you know that I'd actually really rather be screaming "That's my son!!  I'm so proud of him!!")

You have a body that almost appears to already have somewhere in muscle memory the knowledge of exactly how it's supposed to work.  You, my child, are an athlete at the core of you.  When you are moving your body, you are at your most comfortable.  We are doing our best to try to let you know how proud we are of you without making it seem like that is the best thing about you.  I hope you'll grow to recognize that being a great athlete is awesome and takes hard work, but it's not the most important thing about a person - just like your Daddy - he's a great man because of lots of things even if it seems people associate him with just that one thing.

I am so proud of your eagerness to learn (just like me!) and your ability to make friends (just like Daddy!)  You are constantly trying to make sense of the world; listening closely to everything that is said around you.  You are not only regularly asking us to clarify words and phrases for you ('What does deliberately mean?') but you are also then adding them to your own vocabulary ("Gemma deliberately used my teddy bear without asking me!")  Your huge vocabulary and your manners always have strangers guessing you are actually seven or eight instead of five.  That makes us both proud and weary; don't try to grow too fast, our Booboo!

Last night, you and I took the dogs for an evening walk together - you were happy to come without any hesitation when I asked.  It's unclear if it's because you wanted to spend time alone with me (rare in a house of three kids, one Daddy, and three pets), or if the idea of being in charge of walking Trixie made you feel like a big boy, or if maybe it was just because you were asked and Gemma had to stay home - but whatever your reasoning, we had a comfortable walk together.  We talked about teeball practice and deer trails and how much fun you had playing with your Aunts and Uncles that day.  

When we were about to head home, we stopped and tried to find frogs in a big puddle that was singing so loudly with their chirps it was like we were surrounded by the noise.  The sun was already setting behind a mountain but the clouds were outlined in pink and you were running around trying to use the chirps as frog GPS, and I wasn't worried about your next snack or if you'd be too tired to walk back or if you needed to stop for a potty break or coming up with answers for 35 nonsensical questions.

'Hmm, so this is what it will be like to raise a big kid then', I thought happily.

I will forever be grateful that you were our first, Booboo.

thank you for being our patient, gracious usher into each new phase of parenthood.

we love you.

forever and ever.

even when you keep getting so big.

your mumma.

kid chatter

Some funny chatter heard over at the Studer zoo crew to brighten up your Monday morning...

Greyson:  When will I get a girlfriend?
Me: um, maybe when you're fifteen
Greyson:  How long will it take to get fifteen?
Me: a very long time
Greyson: no, like how many sleeps?

Gemma: I'm going to kick your ass
Me:  Gemma Rose,  ass is a curse!
Gemma:  ass is a curse?
Me:  yes so stop saying it
Gemma: but my ass is getting out of here
Me:  Gemma! No more
Gemma: but what about his ass?
Me:  stop saying ass Gemma Rose
Gemma:  you said it.

Greyson:  I love you, Mum

Me:  I love you honey

Greyson:  I love you so much I have a smile in my heart! 

While painting our nails with glitter nail polish- 

Gemma:  look!  Sparkle-la-lees!

Me:  so fancy! 

Gemma:  I'm painting them for my daddy so you can look beau-full.

Me:  What do you want to be when you're a grown up?
Greyson:  Can I be a doctor?
Me:  Sure!  There are lots of kind of doctors:  there are kid doctors, grown up doctors, doctors that get babies out, doctors that do surgeries and cut people open and stitch them back up, doctors for animals
Gemma:  Can I be a Dr. Seuss?

Greyson:  Gemma, what's your football touchdown dance?
-Gemma stands up-
Me:  Here, honey - catch the ball for the touchdown
Gemma:  no
Me:  you have to catch the ball first
Gemma:  no
Greyson:  Gem!  You have to get the touchdown first
Gemma:  That's not my point!  I'm doing the dance part only

Gemma:  Knock, Knock
Daddy:  Who's there?
Gemma:  a fly
Daddy:  a fly who?
Gemma:  Momma hates it.

Gemma:   I want yogurt ON my waffle
Greyson:   Well that's unusual

Greyson:  Mum, do you get dead if you go in tomatoes?
Mum:  what?
Greyson:  If you go in a tomato, do you get dead?
Mum:  I don't understand what you're asking me.  Go in what tomatoes?
Greyson:  Like the girl on the Wizard movie
Mum:  that's called a tornado!  

Gemma:  Knock, Knock
Daddy:  Who's there?
Gemma:  Bullet  (our dog's name)
Daddy:  Bullet who?
Gemma:  Eat a bone.

Senior Night calls for a kid interview!

In honor of the Blue Jays Senior Night game tonight (and last home game of the season, whew!  that went fast!)  I interviewed the Blue Jays two biggest fans about our favorite team and coach.

What is your favorite part of basketball season?
Gemma:  Going with my Dad on the bus (with the players after away games)
Grey:  Going to practice and going to the locker room like the players.

Who is your favorite player?
Gemma:  Jake
Grey:  Drew and Billy and Dante....well, all of them, Mum!

Do you want to play basketball when you grow up?
Gemma:  Yea
Grey:  Yes!  and then when I get done with college, I want to be a coach too.  Like Dad.

Who do you think would win a basketball game: Daddy or the Blue Jays?
Gemma:  Blue Jays
Grey:  Daddy

You or the Blue Jays?
Gemma:  Me!
Grey:  Blue Jays

What is something Daddy says as a Coach?
Gemma:  Let's go Blue Jays!
Grey:  Jays on three, 1, 2, 3, JAYS!

What kind of coach do you think Daddy is?
Gemma:  a Happy Coach!
Grey:  He's an awesome coach because he teaches the team cool basketball moves.

Do Daddy's players listen to him?
Gemma:  Yes
Grey: (laughing)  um, No.

What's the coolest thing about basketball?
Gemma:  Playing basketball!
Grey:  All the cool moves, like when the player throws it up to the net and the other guy dunks it.  What's that called again, The Loopy Loop?  It's called an Alley-oop.  Oh yea, Alley-oop

What will you miss now that basketball season is ending?
Gemma:  The snacks
Grey:  I going to miss shooting hoops at practice.  I'm going to miss all the players too.  But they're invited to my birthday party, remember?

What do you want to tell the Blue Jays tonight for the game?
Gemma:  I'm Gemma, please can you bring me presents?  Thank you.
Grey:  I love you!  I hope you win today!  And I hope the other team doesn't win and you guys do.  So, can you please do the Alley Oop move?  Billy, you have to throw the ball to Charlie and then Charlie you pass to Drew and then Drew, you come over and dunk it...okay?  And here's what I have to say (deep voice):  Jays on three, 1, 2, 3 JAYS!!!!

stories from Booboo & Miss Ro

It has recently been just non-stop hilarity over here from my two big kids.  For some hump day laughs, please enjoy these two little comedians.

chocolate milk at New Years

While brushing my hair

Gemma:  you looking beautiful, momma.

Me: Thanks honey for fixing my hair

Gemma:  okay, now I need scissors

Me:  Gem.  No.

walking towards the steps to go downstairs

Gemma:  It's okay, Momma, I'm just going to cut MY hair

Me:  Gemma.  I said No.  You cannot use scissors right now and you definitely can not cut your own hair!

Gemma:  I don't understand you.

Me:  Come back in here, honey.

Gemma: (stomping in room) I don't care!

While discussing his basketball birthday party (in APRIL; 3 months away)

Greyson:  and Daddy's whole basketball team is invited

Me:  Hah, okay, sweetheart

Greyson:  and you need to put on their papers for inviting  (breathless) You...can...sleep....over!!

Me:  Um, I don't think that's going to work, buddy.  There's too many, where would everyone fit?

Greyson:  The littlest player, Mark* can use my sleeping bag.  

Me:  And what about Gabe*?  He's so long, where will he sleep?

Greyson:  I have a great idea!  Under our bunk beds!

*names changed to protect players' identities  (hahha)

Greyson:  Mom!!  Gemma said a fairy stole her make-up

Gemma:  A fairy did take it.  He picked it up and flew it away with his wings!

Greyson:  What other colors are lions?

Me:  I think just orange, yellow, and brown.  I've never heard of a white or black lion.

Greyson:  There are white ones in Antarctica

Me:

Greyson:  there are!  

Me:  where did you hear that?

Greyson:  Daddy told me

Me:

Greyson:  you didn't hear us because we were sneaking downstairs talking quietly

Me:

Greyson:  okay, I'm telling a lie, but I know there are white lions in Antarctica.  I just know inside my heart.

Momentarily angry at her grandfather Chum

Gemma:  You are the child and I am the genius!

While I was attempting to scrub paint off of the carpet bedroom floor

Me:  Grey, this is a really big mess, buddy.  Why weren't you being more careful with the paint?

Greyson:  I was in a panic

Me:

Greyson:  Well, remember I'm an elf because of my ears are pointy.  And I was in a panic because I didn't know why I wasn't at the North Pole

Me:  

Greyson:  Okay, I'm not an elf, Mom, I'm just growing.

We have a saying around here when the kids start repeating whine-requests 30 times in a row that goes something like "How many times do you have to say it?" and the kids answer "One time."

So while we were getting ready for bed and I was feeding the baby

Gemma:  Momma, I.want.you.to.hold.me

Me:  sweetheart, as soon as Violet eats, I will put her in her bed and hold you forever and ever

Gemma:  Momma, hold.me

Me:  Gem, honey, in just a minute.  lay down and wait for me.

Gemma:  I.want.you.to.hold.ME!

Me:  that's enough Gemma Rose

Gemma:  How many times do I have to say it, Momma?  Five Times?  Yes, five times!!  Hold me, hold me, hold me,

Me:

Gemma:  hold me, hold me, hold me,.....

After nearly breaking his neck doing a front flip on the couch

Me:  Grey!  Are you okay?!  Why would you do that?!

Greyson:  (laughing hysterically) It's okay Mum, I'm just re-dick-lee-ous

Gemma:  (all sung)

Here are my babies

Momma, I brought you some besketti (play spaghetti)

And this is my Momma's happy valentines

with coooooooooookies 

they taste so nice

but greyson cannot have any

stop looking at me greyson!

I am playing with my babies

not youuuuuuuuuuuu

Here's hoping your Wednesday is filled with laughter - from all of us here at the Studer Zoo Crew, but especially this little darling angel girl who giggles and makes raspberries at her 'reedickleeous' big bro and sis all day :)

The Lasts Weeks of Two

We're in the home stretch now for meeting our new baby girl.  We've made it to the six week countdown and I've passed the inevitable bridge that all pregnant women are required to reach; the i'd-rather-get-this-baby-out-even-though-it-requires-what-it-requires and i-choose-minimal-sleep-and-newborn-care instead of being this pregnant.  It's just a fact of life, friends and a necessary step to continue to populate the human race - let's be honest.

At this point, my pregnant body just feels foreign to me.  It no longer reacts the way I expect it too, I have aches and pains and constant heartburn (oh, Lord, the heartburn).  I need at least a 10 second warning a sneeze is coming on to tighten up, or well...you know what I'm talking about if you've been pregnant.  I'm deliriously happy about our new girl and so grateful that my body can do what it does (ie. grow humans!?) but I'm also ready to meet her and gain control back over my own self.

Coming to the end of this pregnancy has also been a stark reminder that we are also coming to the end of having only two.  These two:

These have been our only two kids for the past two years and now we're getting a new little person.  A new personality that will give our current two kids a new layer of themselves.  Our family will become more complete and with it we will all learn how to work together differently to allow for this new person to be with us.  We will go from equal parts parents and kids to an imbalance in favor of the young.

Currently, Grey and Gem are best friends; honestly.  They can hardly stand to be apart from each other.  The first words out of Gemma's mouth when she wakes up is "Where's Booboo?" and Grey makes it his mission to be his sister's protector.  He gives hell to the big kids at the playground, "It's my sister's turn!  Let her have a turn next!" and tells her frequently, "I would never let anything happen to you, Gem."

What will a new sibling do to them?  I don't say this in panic, but in curiosity.  I was one of three and having two siblings allowed for a mediator, an impartial listener, an ally, a conspirator, another best friend.  I can't wait to see how this plays out for our three too.

While at the playground the other day, my Mum was listening to a 'big boy' talk to the kids by the slide.  When Grey told him, "This is my sister Gemma and we're getting a new baby girl too."  The big boy said, "Another girl baby?  No one is going to pay attention to you guys anymore!" and Greyson announced to Gemma, "Let's get out of here, Gem." and they slid down the slide together and left that big kid up there alone with his rude warning.  HAH!

After I had my complications with Gemma's birth and was put back in the hospital for a few days, I remember sobbing to my sister that I felt like I was neglecting my first baby; Greyson; that I wasn't being a good mom to him anymore now with the new baby and (more so than that) restricted to the hospital bed.

I am feeling the same tinges of that now in my final weeks of pregnancy for baby #3.  I know I am slower and more tired these days.  I can't carry babies up the steps anymore or chase down 100 fly baseballs.  And after our new girl arrives, I know my Mummahood will be stretched a little thinner in both energy and patience.

Somehow though, isn't it funny and wonderful that being a Mum becomes thicker in Love with the addition of new family members.

I have been trying to take in all the little changes in our kids right now to hopefully keep a snapshot of them in my mind of what it was like when they were only two.

Grey has been growing at weed speed these days; both physically and mentally.  He came downstairs this morning and I knew right away that he had grown - and I was right: a full half inch since last month(!)  He has been trying out several phrases he hears from tv shows or bigger kids; things like "You started it," and "I'm going to scare the heck out of you!"

Yesterday at the zoo, he was acting like a spooky animal in the meerkat tunnels and sort of blocking the entrance for other kids.  I called him out of the tunnel and told him that even though it was funny to him, other kids weren't able to play too and maybe they were scared.  That I knew he wasn't a bully but he looked like one by not letting other kids in the tunnel.  He apologized and looked visibly saddened.  About a half hour later when we were leaving the zoo, he said, "Mum, I'm feeling nervous."  I asked why and he said, "I'm feeling worried about the other kids when I was being a bully."  He has my tendencies about holding onto that ping of worry in my heart when I know I made a choice that may have made someone else feel unhappy.

Gemma has turned on the little girl light switch and all the baby has nearly dissipated from her entirely.  She has made the drastically obvious leap from talking so that only her parents understand to full blown conversations that other people understand.  It's both scary and dazzling to see our girl, who has been the baby for so long, turn into a real life little girl.

When I was feeling particularly sick and tired the other night, I came upstairs and took a bath and then put on my flowered robe to lay down to read (thank you, Brandon for the peace & quiet!) and Gemma came upstairs to tell me it was time for dinner.  The moment she walked into our room and saw me in the flowered robe she lit up and whispered, "You are beautiful, Mumma!"  I could have cried.  She can be the sweetest, most loyal little thing in the world.  When we are playing monsters/bad guys and I pretend to be afraid; she runs to me, throws her little arms around my neck and whispers, "I'll be-tect you, mumma!"

We have been talking, practicing, role playing, and doing more talking about having our new baby around.  Every time I go to a doctor appointment, the kids ask enthusiastically, "Is she coming today!?"  We have been trying our best to make our new baby's arrival like waiting for a package in the mail;  we are all just anxiously checking the mailbox everyday in anticipation.

It's such a mix of emotions in these last few weeks.  Slightly grieving the end of two kids and the exact feeling of how our life is today in all it's wild, moving, chaos.  Hardly standing the anticipation to meet our new girl; to become more whole as our family - it so painfully obvious that she is missing from us.  And knowing that I don't want to feel so huge and out of control of my own self, but also knowing the alternative to that lies the zombie like state of the rotten eight first weeks of having a newborn.

And so we all wait to bring our girl home.  Until then, we'll be relishing in just how our life feels during these final weeks of two.

a love letter to worms

Dear worms,

You  may recognize these two kids' faces.

These two children belong to me.  I am writing to say thank you for your patience as you bring much joy to the daily lives of my kids.  

You see, Worms, the reason you recognize these children's faces is because they are always searching for you and they are usually successful.  You frequently hear the sounds of their shovels, diggers, and delighted shrieks as they ramble on and on about how they will "find us some worms today, baby!"

It is with love of the purest kind that they seek you out, to hold you in their hands so that you can wiggle and tickle their palms.  Thank you for being so accepting of our relocation program (not that you have a real choice), but I believe you will find your new home in our kid-selected "Worm Box" comfortable and full of all of your favorite things; mainly dirt.



You can rest easy in our Worm Box, as these children who so lovingly hunt for, transport, and place you in your new home, also stand guard to scare away birds from the Worm Box.  They are your protectors; I found them shouting in unison, "Get away from our worms, Birds!" with a fervor that is usually reserved only for religious extremists and people suffering from severe road rage.

If my children gleefully discover you in any location that is not our home; and let's be honest here, they're always looking so this is a very common occurrence, they proceed to display you to anyone nearby with honest pride for all that is you.  It matters not if these fellow humans are complete strangers, family, or friends they just made 2 minutes prior and have a clear fear or distaste for creatures of your nature.  

My children are so infatuated with you that they incorrectly believe every single human on the planet should also want to hold and admire you too.  If the human politely declines, my children will force them to hold you anyway, gently placing you on the person's most stable body part (knees, feet, hand outstretched in the "ew" position).  There may be a moment of jostling at this time, but that is brief before you are carefully placed "back with your family" in the dirt.

The two reasons I would like to say that I love you Worms,  are these:   First, you provide extended periods of attention and happy independent play for my children.  You are like a rare phenomenon that occurs in my days where I can quickly accomplish multiple tasks that having children hanging on or 'helping' is very difficult.  Things like mopping the floor, using the restroom, or sneaking chocolate from my secret stash without sharing.  I am so grateful to you for that.  

Secondly, you bring out the most beautiful and sincere compliments that my children offer up to each other.  Gemma toddles over with worm in hand to announce in awe, "Wook, Booboo found dis." Just yesterday, Greyson announced aloud at the playground, "Gemmi, you are the greatest worm digger in the whole world!"  and then proudly told his Dad at dinner the same thing and adding, "She found two worms at the playground! Can you believe that?" He had never been more proud of his little sister in her 2 years of life.

There is truly no greater compliment in our home right now than "Great Worm Digger."

You are such a small creature, Worms, but know that to us - you are a very big deal.

Love always,
The Studers