The truth is - that both the kids take after me in their scale of emotions. They, just like me, swing from extreme happiness to super-sensitive feelings-hurt, to blinding flashes of outrage. Luckily, it is mostly extreme happiness during the day and then dips into the other ends of the spectrum. Brandon is the complete opposite and has a very steady emotional scale that is cool and calm nearly always. He very rarely swings to the deep ends of any emotion - unless it is an extreme situation (like there's been under 5 times in his life thus far). Whereas the kids and I can swing to the deep ends multiple times A DAY. B is the one that keeps us all grounded (xxoxo) and we help him experience the highs and lows of life with sweeping emotions.
So I've been feeling awful about these outbursts and I want to get myself under control - but didn't really have an idea of how to help myself grab calmness in moments when I feel overcome with anger. And then I read an amazing piece in one of my favorite parenting books: Buddhism for Mothers: A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your Children
. In a section on anger she writes,
I saw my exact behavior in the example she gave when she acted out in anger towards her own children. I was reading it thinking - this is exactly me and if I can accept that anger comes to me but is never a permanent feeling (actually usually lasting only a few strong seconds) then I could stare it in the face until the feeling left me and then act with a more rational mind.
A little while after reading this, I told Greyson he needed to stop doing something (banging a bat off of the wall near his sister) and when he didn't listen to me, I told him he'd need to take a break. Then I literally watched him go through the exact three same stages of anger that the book describes:
1. We perceive an object that we find unpleasant.
2. We exaggerate the perceived harm.
3. We develop a wish to harm.
Greyson perceived going into time-out/stopping banging as unpleasant. Then he threw himself on the floor kicking and screaming (exaggerated) and then stood up and turned around to punch me in the thigh. I stood there shocked that with this new found information - I could watch the anger process progress not only within myself but also exactly in my son's behavior. Seriously, it was revolutionary for me.
Immediately, I scooped him up and stood him on the bed so we'd be eye to eye and I said to him. See how you feel angry? The angry is in your belly but you just wait for it to go away, you'll feel better. Let's say it together, "Get out of me, Angry!" Grey shook his head no that he didn't want to but a few minutes later he shouted, "Get out of me, Angry!" and started to cry and then asked to 'hold you.'
We've since adopted at our house the phrase, "Get out of me, Angry!" For both the kids and I it has been amazingly helpful and a reminder that we can control ourselves when we feel overcome. When I say it- its a check for the kids that Mum needs a break and that they are pushing too far.
It's ridiculous most of the time the things that bring anger to me. The other day we were leaving the school track after running and riding bikes - all three of us were tired and hungry. I had just had to figure out the correct configuration for the stroller and the bike to fit under the truck cover and traveled to both sides of the car to buckle two cranky children in their seats. I finally got to my seat and was ready to pull out when Grey unbuckled himself. Which in my stage2 'exaggeration of the unpleasantness' - I perceived the situation to be this huge pain in the A...I'd have to now unbuckle myself, travel to that side of the car, listen to Gem whine and scream why we aren't leaving yet, I was really ready to just get home, etc, etc. I could feel my belly start to get warm and a yell about to come on, but instead I thought, 'get out of me, Angry,' and I sat and breathed. In and out, in and out - just wait for it to wash away. The anger started to leave and I could feel my thoughts start to clear again, "It's not like we have anywhere we need to be, you probably can reach his belt if you move your own seat back, you'll just need to remember to bring snacks on our bike trips, etc, etc.' Me - 1, Angry - 0.
For Greyson, the phrase has been both helpful in him being able to recognize his own emotions and also a red flag to me that violence may be about to happen - many times towards his sister. When I hear him give the warning - I have enough time to run to the two of them and congratulate Greyson on recognizing his own anger and also to remove Gemma from any imminent harm.
I wish I could report that our family is totally calm and patient with each other. But we're not. We're like every other family - we push each other too far, the kids fight - many times physically (Grey is a pusher, Gemma is a biter), and we lose our cool. We certainly aren't a perfect family - and we don't even have a goal to be perfect. We haven't removed all yelling from our family, nor have we been able to remove all of the kid-on-kid violence, but we are trying to be better.
It's been very helpful to remind ourselves that anger is a part of life - with all of the millions of unpleasantness, annoyances, and irritations that come with just living. But anger does not stay long; rather just stops by for a brief, very hot, intense visit and then slips away. We are just trying to recognize its arrival in each of us and find the patience to wait until it leaves. Trying to pay attention to what makes us angry and how to stare our anger down until it leaves our bodies without hurting anyone else (both physically or emotionally). And somehow the acceptance that anger exists has helped each of us feel more in control of ourselves.
. In a section on anger she writes,So what can we do when anger takes hold of us? It won't help to scold ourselves - to be angry with ourselves for feeling angry only adds fuel to the fire. Rather we need to stare at our anger with determination, to be with it until it changes form or dissipates.
I saw my exact behavior in the example she gave when she acted out in anger towards her own children. I was reading it thinking - this is exactly me and if I can accept that anger comes to me but is never a permanent feeling (actually usually lasting only a few strong seconds) then I could stare it in the face until the feeling left me and then act with a more rational mind.
A little while after reading this, I told Greyson he needed to stop doing something (banging a bat off of the wall near his sister) and when he didn't listen to me, I told him he'd need to take a break. Then I literally watched him go through the exact three same stages of anger that the book describes:
1. We perceive an object that we find unpleasant.
2. We exaggerate the perceived harm.
3. We develop a wish to harm.
Greyson perceived going into time-out/stopping banging as unpleasant. Then he threw himself on the floor kicking and screaming (exaggerated) and then stood up and turned around to punch me in the thigh. I stood there shocked that with this new found information - I could watch the anger process progress not only within myself but also exactly in my son's behavior. Seriously, it was revolutionary for me.
Immediately, I scooped him up and stood him on the bed so we'd be eye to eye and I said to him. See how you feel angry? The angry is in your belly but you just wait for it to go away, you'll feel better. Let's say it together, "Get out of me, Angry!" Grey shook his head no that he didn't want to but a few minutes later he shouted, "Get out of me, Angry!" and started to cry and then asked to 'hold you.'
We've since adopted at our house the phrase, "Get out of me, Angry!" For both the kids and I it has been amazingly helpful and a reminder that we can control ourselves when we feel overcome. When I say it- its a check for the kids that Mum needs a break and that they are pushing too far.
It's ridiculous most of the time the things that bring anger to me. The other day we were leaving the school track after running and riding bikes - all three of us were tired and hungry. I had just had to figure out the correct configuration for the stroller and the bike to fit under the truck cover and traveled to both sides of the car to buckle two cranky children in their seats. I finally got to my seat and was ready to pull out when Grey unbuckled himself. Which in my stage2 'exaggeration of the unpleasantness' - I perceived the situation to be this huge pain in the A...I'd have to now unbuckle myself, travel to that side of the car, listen to Gem whine and scream why we aren't leaving yet, I was really ready to just get home, etc, etc. I could feel my belly start to get warm and a yell about to come on, but instead I thought, 'get out of me, Angry,' and I sat and breathed. In and out, in and out - just wait for it to wash away. The anger started to leave and I could feel my thoughts start to clear again, "It's not like we have anywhere we need to be, you probably can reach his belt if you move your own seat back, you'll just need to remember to bring snacks on our bike trips, etc, etc.' Me - 1, Angry - 0.
For Greyson, the phrase has been both helpful in him being able to recognize his own emotions and also a red flag to me that violence may be about to happen - many times towards his sister. When I hear him give the warning - I have enough time to run to the two of them and congratulate Greyson on recognizing his own anger and also to remove Gemma from any imminent harm.
I wish I could report that our family is totally calm and patient with each other. But we're not. We're like every other family - we push each other too far, the kids fight - many times physically (Grey is a pusher, Gemma is a biter), and we lose our cool. We certainly aren't a perfect family - and we don't even have a goal to be perfect. We haven't removed all yelling from our family, nor have we been able to remove all of the kid-on-kid violence, but we are trying to be better.
It's been very helpful to remind ourselves that anger is a part of life - with all of the millions of unpleasantness, annoyances, and irritations that come with just living. But anger does not stay long; rather just stops by for a brief, very hot, intense visit and then slips away. We are just trying to recognize its arrival in each of us and find the patience to wait until it leaves. Trying to pay attention to what makes us angry and how to stare our anger down until it leaves our bodies without hurting anyone else (both physically or emotionally). And somehow the acceptance that anger exists has helped each of us feel more in control of ourselves.
It is uncanny how often I need to read exactly what you write about! Thank you Tabitha, I really needed this today.
ReplyDeleteKerry
I am dealing with that anger as a mama too! I know exactly what you are talking about. I am going to steal your line and check out that book. Thanks for talking about this it is one of my biggest struggles
ReplyDeleteI love that book and definitely would recommend it! I only read it in short bursts, but each time I really feel like I gained valuable insight into being calmer :)
DeleteThank you four this Tabitha!! I also struggle with anger as a mom and pretty much my entire life. You've inspired me :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honesty. I too struggle with this, and my husband is also the calm, cool, and collected one! It's so HARD being a Mama. I have always felt shame in the fact that sometimes, I lose it, I explode! But you're right, kids don't know when too much is too much. It's something that I remember as a child, my Mom getting angry-not often-but I remember those few times. And I fear that I am just repeating it, and that the anger will be passed down through generations, I already see it in my 7 year old. It scares me, I don't want her to have to feel that self guilt. I want it to stop with me.
ReplyDeleteThank you again for your honesty, and for tips on how to control it.
It has been really powerful for me to start to understand that anger is something that exists and that it is an impermanent state. Somehow feeling like it has nothing to do with me and my personality - but more with how I react to something that is always there. I'm not an angry person, but I know I can be more conscious of my reactions to moments when anger enters my life. The guilt I have over feeling angry has almost entirely left with that understanding - which makes it so much easier to act calmly.
DeleteThank you for sharing this. I am so glad I'm not alone in my ridiculous-anger. I,too, get mad about the silliest, tiniest things. But in the moment the anger is HOT! I am going to work "Get out of me, Angry" into my conversations with the boys, and use it myself to remember the feeling will leave eventually.
ReplyDeleteI agree - sometimes it is over the smallest, dumbest thing and afterwards I can't believe that I got so upset- but its just the way it goes I think with motherhood. It was a tiny thing but it was also after like 25 other annoying things that happened right before that - hahhha. Love that you are working on yelling less. I think that's my next step :)
DeleteThank you so much! I REALLY needed to read this. I am going to try the "get out of me, angry" trick and hope it works to calm and focus.
ReplyDeleteTabitha, I think what you are saying is so totally normal. I sometimes wonder if I am doing a good enough job because of my anger issues. Being a mom is tough and there are moments when I am so worked up I need to lock myself in another room to catch my breath.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing your best and that is all that matters. In the end they will remember all the good, not the moments of anger.
This is amazing! I really needed this; for the past few weeks my life and my sons life has been crazy with the new work schedule and weve both been so angry and stressed lately! Thanks for blogging! I love your insights!
ReplyDeletethanks, Mindy! Good luck settling into a new work schedule - changes are so hard with kids involved. Definitely a stressful time - sending positive thoughts your way xxox
DeleteThank you for writing this. I have been struggling with it all summer while my nearly 4-year-old has been out of preschool. He has spent the summer perfecting the art of pushing my buttons (and hitting, pushing, biting, etc.) ... generally turning into the Incredible Hulk. And while I've never been a huge blow-up-in-anger kind of person, it's how I have reacted to him over and over after being pushed past the brink. I'm so glad it's not just me!
ReplyDeleteI've had some luck with putting him in his room and saying that he can be as mad as he wants and pound on this squishy toy I bought him, but he has to stay there and he can't take it out on me. He can come out when he's ready to stop being mad and just be cool again. It's worked some. Your version sounds like a shortcut to that.
I feel like it's A) a kid thing B) somewhat of a boy thing and C) a cry for more structure in our house. Hoping back-to-school will cure some of it, but I've found that switching gears to a more calming activity can also help change the vibe in the house!
Sorry to ramble. I just really connected with your feelings! Here's to getting the angry out of us all!